cal gal Posted November 15, 2005 Share Posted November 15, 2005 Well, I'm sure this will be a new twist for the stories I have read here in the past few months. I am separated from my H of 20 years. We will not be getting back together as he has never known how to be faithful. I have never had sex with someone else for 23 years. Seeing that I am very sexually driven - I am having a difficult time not having sex. I really want to JUST make love to a guy that has been a family friend for nine years. We are great friends and very attracted to each other and I know he would comply. Even though we have a very emotional connection -I really don't want a relationship with him - I just really want to have sex with someone I don't have to start at the beginning with. He understand this but has expressed that he is afraid that if he "goes there" he will fall in love with me, as we have alot in common. He has a great wife and family and I would never ask him to give that up. Do you think it is just using HIM to satisfy MY needs for sex? Please tell me how to proceed as I would appreciate any input - especially from the male perspective. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted November 15, 2005 Share Posted November 15, 2005 Hmmm.... if you have an 'emotional connection' with him and (then) are having sex with him... wouldn't that be a relationship? I think that pursuing anything with this friend would be a disaster for everyone concerned. He's already got a family, and he's behaving really well in rejecting your sexual advances. He sounds like a great man. Please don't push that any further when the result may be that you end up losing him as a friend totally. As you admitted, your thinking about sex with him is just a symptom of your fears for the future and finding someone new from scratch. This is the area you need to start working on. Try to look forward positively to all the new things that could be waiting for you. How long have you been separated? Do you have friends to go out with? Are you working? Life for you now is full of opportunity... please don't get caught up in an affair just because it seems convenient. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 15, 2005 Share Posted November 15, 2005 He understand this but has expressed that he is afraid that if he "goes there" he will fall in love with me, as we have alot in common. Imagine this: you and he make love and he then a. tells you it was a 'mistake' after a bout of uncomfortable, bad sex (the sex in your fantasies is going to be far, far better than in an awkward situation like you want to find yourself in) b. gives you the cold shoulder and never speaks to you again That whole "afraid of my feelings" is one of the oldest, most deceptive lines in the book. When someone says they are "afraid of their feelings" they are not afraid of what they feel, they are afraid of what they don't feel. He is rejecting you. The sooner you see it that way, the quicker you can begin to move on. Hopefully you can get to a place where you feel comfortable meeting people and dating again and find someone you truly desire and not someone who is simply 'safe' and 'convenient' (though neither is ultimately true of a MM). Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted November 15, 2005 Share Posted November 15, 2005 I agree with LB and Sami. And what about this guy's "great wife and family"? How would they feel? Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted November 15, 2005 Share Posted November 15, 2005 Tell you what, cal gal; since you don't really want a relationship but really would like to get laid, I can use you and you can use me and then we can part without ever knowing each other's names. </sarcasm> Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted November 15, 2005 Share Posted November 15, 2005 Tell you what, cal gal; since you don't really want a relationship but really would like to get laid, I can use you and you can use me and then we can part without ever knowing each other's names. </sarcasm> She said she wanted to have sex with someone she didn't have to start at the beginning with. How long have you known her..? Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Coco Posted November 15, 2005 Share Posted November 15, 2005 So where's the "twist?" I don't get it! Looks like the "same-old same-old" to me. Find a SINGLE man. Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted November 15, 2005 Share Posted November 15, 2005 So where's the "twist?" I don't get it! Looks like the "same-old same-old" to me. Find a SINGLE man. Argh the wrath of the reformed OW Where do you see the similarities between her story and yours..? Or between my story and hers... or my story and yours... I don't see many. I think you're just convinced that ANY affair relationship is exactly the same as any other affair relationship, for some (personal) reason. After all, every affair contains at least Three people. Yours involved Four people. How could the dynamics of that be exactly the same each time it's played out..? Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Coco Posted November 15, 2005 Share Posted November 15, 2005 Argh the wrath of the reformed OW Where do you see the similarities between her story and yours..? Or between my story and hers... or my story and yours... I don't see many. I think you're just convinced that ANY affair relationship is exactly the same as any other affair relationship, for some (personal) reason. After all, every affair contains at least Three people. Yours involved Four people. How could the dynamics of that be exactly the same each time it's played out..? No, Sami...look at the BIG picture. That's what I mean...same thing every time. No difference. ONE person going after ANOTHER person who IS ALREADY TAKEN. That's how they ARE ALL THE SAME! I don't care how many people are involved 2, 3 or 4, whether they have pets, kids or what. It's all the same. It's all wrong. It rarely ends without someone getting hurt. So how's her story so different? Who cares about the details. And that's what they are. If you look at the BIG PICTURE, it's all the same. See what I mean? The dynamics of whether it's 3, 4, 5 TEN people don't matter! Why is that important? Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Coco Posted November 15, 2005 Share Posted November 15, 2005 You're cute with your jokes, Sami! And i love to argue with you! But let me add something...I don't consider myself a "reformed OW" Ewww! Something just yuck about that term! Can't articulate what exactly right now BUT I'm not reformed anything. I knew it was wrong when I was doing it. I mean I could sometimes convince myself it was ok, but I knew it really wasn't. And I still think it's wrong. I just know now that I will never, ever let something like it happen again. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted November 15, 2005 Share Posted November 15, 2005 This is a disaster waiting to happen move on amd find someone that isn't married!! You are already cheating with him you just haven't done the sexual act!! Get a single man and leave this family alone or you will hurt alot of people she will find out they always do!! Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted November 15, 2005 Share Posted November 15, 2005 Well yes, obviously an affair is always the same in that one person is married. But that's errr... the definition of the whole thing. And yes, one or more than one person getting hurt happens. That happens with almost any relationship that doesn't work out. Those really aren't defining characteristics of anything much. And yes, I like arguing with you too Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted November 15, 2005 Share Posted November 15, 2005 You're cute with your jokes, Sami! And i love to argue with you! But let me add something...I don't consider myself a "reformed OW" Ewww! Something just yuck about that term! Can't articulate what exactly right now BUT I'm not reformed anything. I knew it was wrong when I was doing it. I mean I could sometimes convince myself it was ok, but I knew it really wasn't. And I still think it's wrong. I just know now that I will never, ever let something like it happen again. Hugs... you're so cute. With your little talons Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted November 15, 2005 Share Posted November 15, 2005 You are already cheating with him you just haven't done the sexual act!! Anyone who has a friend of the opposite sex is 'already cheating'? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 15, 2005 Share Posted November 15, 2005 He understand this but has expressed that he is afraid that if he "goes there" he will fall in love with me, as we have alot in common. He has a great wife and family and I would never ask him to give that up. Do you think it is just using HIM to satisfy MY needs for sex? Considering your husband cheated on you - WHY ON EARTH would you inflict yourself on a MM, who has a family and more or less has TOLD you that he'd fall for you if you two had sex!!!!!!!!!!!!! DO NOT use him for sex. That's insane! What you have been through - Use your pain and knowledge here. THINK, do not act upon your thoughts! If you want sex then find a single guy who is willing to be a sex buddy, not someone who is married. I really hope you do not let anything happen - The shoe is now on the other side of the foot, do you really want to be part of their marriage falling apart? Remember YOUR pain and what you went through?? THink about that for afew mins, then decide if you want to sleep with another man's wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted November 15, 2005 Share Posted November 15, 2005 If you want sex then find a single guy who is willing to be a sex buddy, not someone who is married. Any single girl can get sex anywhere. Her question was about needing sex with someone she knew and didn't have to begin again with? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 15, 2005 Share Posted November 15, 2005 Yeah, but the guy she wants to have sex with is married. Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted November 15, 2005 Share Posted November 15, 2005 Yeah, but the guy she wants to have sex with is married. When you say that I wonder whether it's actually so important that this man is married, or that it's just some man she knows already that is bugging me. I think it's that it's a man she already knows. (for me). I think that she would do much better forgetting what's 'known' 'convenient' or whatever it is... and branching out. I'm not so bothered about his married status, though I think that makes it doubly not a great thing to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cal gal Posted November 15, 2005 Author Share Posted November 15, 2005 I guess it just seems easier to satisfy myself if I know that I totally connect with this guy, and I don't have to commit to him. I have been separated a few months. I don't "wonder" if the fantasy would be better than reality... sometimes you just know for sure it will be. I have always had amazing sex. I don't want to start with someone new right now, I am devoting my time to my kids, thus no time for "new" connections, much less relationships. That is why I posed the question, especially if I have NO intention of taking him away from his family - ever. I know I could easily have sex with 100 men at any given time if I wanted to call them as I am considered extremely attractive, but I would never do that. I cant 'bear doing without the sex and I can't bear putting the energy into a new relationship any time in the near future...... Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted November 15, 2005 Share Posted November 15, 2005 I'd still say look elsewhere. No one can predict how feelings will go... and you already have a strong connection. It seems senseless to me to jeopardise a good friendship. It's still very early days for you. There are other ways you can satisfy that urge at the moment that don't involve getting caught up in something that could go really badly. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 15, 2005 Share Posted November 15, 2005 When you say that I wonder whether it's actually so important that this man is married, or that it's just some man she knows already that is bugging me. The title of this thread: What if I just want to use the MM? says it all. Sure, you won't have to commit to this man, use him "just" for sex...BUT, HE IS MARRIED and should ONLY be having sex with his wife!!!!!! I don't understand why this is an issue? Or is it just me... Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted November 15, 2005 Share Posted November 15, 2005 The title of this thread: What if I just want to use the MM? says it all. Sure, you won't have to commit to this man, use him "just" for sex...BUT, HE IS MARRIED and should ONLY be having sex with his wife!!!!!! I don't understand why this is an issue? Or is it just me... Why would it be different if it said 'I just want to use this man'? Or is that not what you're saying? Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Coco Posted November 15, 2005 Share Posted November 15, 2005 Well yes, obviously an affair is always the same in that one person is married. But that's errr... the definition of the whole thing. And yes, one or more than one person getting hurt happens. That happens with almost any relationship that doesn't work out. Those really aren't defining characteristics of anything much. And yes, I like arguing with you too I know but with this kind of relationship you know going in that it more than likely won't work out. Besides, it's morally wrong in my opinion (as well as most people's). Any other type of relationship isn't. I think it's VERY defining! Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Coco Posted November 15, 2005 Share Posted November 15, 2005 Hugs... you're so cute. With your little talons ARGH!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Coco Posted November 15, 2005 Share Posted November 15, 2005 Anyone who has a friend of the opposite sex is 'already cheating'? Not always, but usually...yes (unless they're gay of course) Link to post Share on other sites
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