How to tell her I'm concerned about her weight

[Anjow]

Hi all,

 

I've been with my girlfriend now for almost 3 years, we have a very emotionally sound relationship and we're both having a great time.

 

However, lately I have grown concerned over her weight. When we met, she was not overweight at all but over the last 2 or so years she has put weight on little by little and now she has a bit of a belly and is actually overweight in mass terms too, though I don't know the exact figures.

 

Her mother is really quite overweight, as is her grandmother. Her sister is 2 years older and it looks like she's going that way too. I am worried that this is where my girlfriend is going, and I'd like to nip it in the bud if possible. The problem is that she's very very sensitive about her weight, to the degree that she gets upset if I even ask her if she's been exercising (which she said she would do over the summer, but never did really). I think she knows she is overweight, but I don't think she knows that its now affecting how attractive I find her.

 

I myself go to the gym about twice a week with my flatmates, but she says she prefers to do an exercise DVD that she has - however I've only known her to do it around twice in the last couple of months...

 

How should I handle this? I don't want to hurt her feelings.

 

Or am I just a big pussy for not saying anything?

 

Thanks.

 

[Edit]

Posting this somehow bizarrely gave me the confidence to suggest that she come to the gym with me sometimes, to which she replied that she doesn't like it at the gym because the machines that she uses (cross trainer) aren't any good there. I suggested that she try a treadmill but she said she doesn't like it.

[Reckless]

okay, get this straight from the go-get: there is no way to mention a woman's weight and not get burned. Can't be done, like looking for dry rain or warm ice you can cut it anyway you like but you won't find a way to say 'honey, you're looking a little chubby round the butt region' and come out alive. I guess it's somewhere on a par with pointing out how small a man's penis is - wise not to point out the obvious.

 

So, since you can't do it right and you understand that it can't be done right you can just continue to do the 'hun, how about coming with me for a run...' or '...wow look at that neat new stepper, how 'bout I buy that for you, sweetie...?' She'll know what you're saying. She won't like it, in fact she will hate you for reminding her how fat she is. She will hate herself more and go eat something comforting to dull the pain. You see, you my friend, are between the rock and the proverbial hard place.

 

Still you subtle reminders will register and that's all you can really do because fact is she'll kick herself into gear when she is ready and that will probably be an internal 'click' not an external 'boot'.

 

As for how attractive you find her, that's your dilema, if you cannot find the heavier version sexually attractive then you can't, either you stick it out and see if the gym bug bites, settle down to a sexless relationship or walk. Sounds harsh but it's a harsh reality that unless you both met at the gym, she was into health/fitness long before she met you and keeping her weight down is HER priority then chances are over the years her weight will continue to creep up.

 

So my advice, keep doin' what you're doing, be kind and if you do decide to sit down for the 'fat chat' wear some kind of protective head gear.

 

R.

[kiwi29f]

Let me give you a perspective from someone who gained alot of weight from having a baby & not being able to lose it & KEEP it off. I garantee she knows she's gaining weight but it is SO hard to get in the mind frame & actually doing something about it. What you can do is support her. Do you two live together? If you do suggest eating healthier, help her cook the healthy stuff. Suggest the two of you taking a walk together a night. It's so much easier losing weight if you have someone helping you. When I got preggo I gained 70lbs, it took me 2 years to lose it. My husband doesn't care as long as its not affecting my health. I finally got on a diet & lost 50lbs. It was the harest thing I've ever done BUT after I got off the diet my H would be like lets go to ____ to eat or this place. So we started going out to eat again & guess what? I've gained 35lbs back. It's so hard trying to eat healthy when your spouse is eating any & everything he wants (in front of you or asking if you want any), & eating late at night. & I'm not saying suffer but be supportive thats the main thing. If I had the money I would go to the gym & go back to to the weight loss center I went to to get that support back. Thats the main thing. It's VERY hard to lose it (& even harder to keep it off) especially if you have to fight with genetics too.

[Skeered]

Ok I have to say this...I didn't read the other posts just what the original poster said...

 

You have no right to tell her she is overweight nor do you have the right to tell her to exercise. She is the only one that should make this decision. If she were in a weight range that was detrimental to her heart or causing her to not be able to function then from a love perspective to say lets get you some help with that would be one thing...but basically what I am gettin here from what you wrote is that she's becoming unattractive to you because of her weight. I'm sorry that is a total pig thing to say. Love is deeper than an appearance..

 

If she were to come to you and say can you help me with a workout routine or help me get motivated then you should feel free to help her out...but if she's doin what she wants and she's happy in her skin then that's a wonderful thing.

 

This world has become so absorbed with outward appearance that we have forgotten what is truly important...not to sound cliche but it is what's inside that counts. Skippy for you that you workout as you do..but don't expect her to do it just to keep you happy.

[slubberdegullion]

You have no right to tell her she is overweight nor do you have the right to tell her to exercise... that is a total pig thing to say.

This is so wrong on so many levels it's hard to know where to start.

• It's like changing the rules in mid-game. I mean, would it be acceptable for her to just "take" it if you suddenly decided one day to start drinking heavily, or gambling all your money away? Of course not. Just as she would have the right to say that those actions are causing problems, you have the right to tell her that her actions - or, rather, inactions - are causing problems in the relationship;
  
• She may have started gaining weight because she has become so comfortable in the relationship that she no longer feels she has to take care of herself, or be aware of her level of intake or exercise. While it's good to be comfortable in the relationship, this seems to cross the line into taking your presence, and love, for granted;
  
• What often starts for one reason continues for another (with thanks to Dr Phil for that insight). If her weight gain started because of some meds she was on or something of that nature (Prednisone is famous for encouraging weight gain), it may continue after the meds are reduced or eliminated because she's become accustomed to her body image;
  
• It's very likely that she simply refuses to see the weight gain as a significant issue, hence her reason for turning down your offer to join her at the gym. There's probably a level of denial involved that simply refuses to recognize the obvious;
  
• Though the decision to love her should not be predicated on how she looks, the simple fact is that you are less likely to by physically attracted to her because of her extra weight. Less physical attraction can lead to infrequent sex, which leads to a whole host of other problems;
  
• Lastly, there are the obvious health issues which have already been discussed.

 

So, not only is it your right to make your feelings known about her increasing weight, it is your responsibility.

 

Her reaction will probably be one of anger and frustration, and she'll very likely give you something like the old, "You don't love me anymore because you think I'm fat???!!!" stuff.

 

Have none of it. Keep the conversation clinical and free of emotion. But no matter how you phrase it, or how gentle you put it, you're going to end up sleeping on the couch for a while.

 

Good luck!

[glittergurl]

I think Anjo is a good guy and means well. Last year, the American food started showing some effects on my skinny European figure lol My husband noticed I started having a bit of a pouch, and mentioned it. And you know what? I'm glad he did. So yeah, it hurt my feelings a little and I exercised to get rid of it; but hey, he's my husband, and I'm glad he noticed so quick. At least I don't feel like I'm part of the furniture and only good to keep up the house. I know he loves me, and he doesn't want to see me let myself go.

 

I think Kiwi had some great suggestions. Cook healthy meals for her, and take her out for a walk every day or evening. I bet you she doesn't want to go to the gym because she's aware of her body, and doesn't feel comfortable exercising in front of others. She probably lacks a little motivation too, but if it's only the two of you, she might get into it. Also, make sure you show her you love her, these little things can hurt a woman's feelings so bad.

 

You said her whole family's overweight; does she still live with them? Because it sounds like their home cooking and eating habits are pretty wrong.

[bunnzy]

Is he posting this issue because he is worried about her health, or because he doesnt find her sexually attractive?

 

Marilyn Monroe was overweight and a damm sexy lady. Theres just more to cuddle. If she does have a family history of obesity, find out if there is also issues with blood pressure or diabetes. Bring it up in a loving, concerned way. She may be offended, but she knows the truth.

[RecordProducer]

I seem to go 10 lbs up and down during a year. I am 100% sure that I want to be thin even though I can retain the extra 10 lbs for months. I get very sensitive when someone tells me I should lose weight (usually it's my mom). But with or without the "warnings", I WANT to be thin. I have a nice body and don't like to see it ruined by fat.

 

1. No matter what you do, it has to be HER decision to lose weight. Otherwise, she'll do it for you once then go back to her old habits.

 

2. No matter what you say and how you say it, she will be offended. But you have to say it. She must know how you feel about her body; otherwise she'd be hurt that you have hidden such an important thing like not being equally attracted to her as before. You can choose one of these ways to ler her know, if you want:

 

- spontaneously come to a context where you will ask her what she doesn't like about you; then when she asks what you don't like about her, tell her: "I like everything... well maybe you could lose a few pounds and be sexy as you were before."

 

- you can blatantly tell that she was extra beautiful when she was thin (she'll finish the sentence for you );

 

- you can point out at some girls in a magazine (not in the street!) and say how thin they are and that you like thin girls... the question about her weight will come naturally and you may say: "Yeah, I think you looked better than them when you were thin." (a compliment and complaint combined in the same statement! )

[mini696]

Tell her... "Your fat" then when you run away from the basball bat she takes to your ballsack, she'll have to run after you.

 

I think you are being very shallow. But I would bet my left nut she already knows and is embarrased about it. Thats why she doesn't go to the gym, its why she gets angry when you ask her about exercising.

[RecordProducer]

Please note that the question was : how to tell my GF..., not "Am I shallow?" There is nothing shallow in being afraid that your GF might become bigger than a king-size bed some day!

[JS17]

I can't answer whether you're shallow or not, that's a matter of opinion. I don't think you're abnormal though. There have been a lot of threads about this topic lately. I forget who said it but telling a woman who knows that she is fat is like telling a man he has a small penis. She knows it, she's depressed about it, she's definitely not happy about it. When you're overweight you feel like it's all the world sees and it makes you feel less important. So, instead of saying honey I love you but you're fat and I'm not as attracted to you any more, I say go the encouragement route. Why not try a diet with her? Tell her that you wanted to try something and you know she wasn't feeling great about the weight she gained so you thought it would be great if you could do the diet or workout regimen together that way you'd both be more likely to stick with it.

[Anjow]

Thanks for all the tips guys and girls.

 

A few replies:

1) I don't want peoples opinions on if I'm shallow or not, I know I'm not and I've been with her long enough for it not to affect our relationship seriously.

 

2) You cannot compare this to a man having a small penis. If that is the case then the man has absolutely no way of changing it.

 

3) She does eat healthily, well, I couldn't expect her to eat any more healthily because it would pretty much be salad for every meal.

[glittergurl]

3) She does eat healthily, well, I couldn't expect her to eat any more healthily because it would pretty much be salad for every meal.

 

Is she on the pill? Because, if she eats healthy as you said, the weight gain is not normal at all, and sounds pretty unhealthy. Maybe a hormonal imbalance?

[JS17]

Thanks for all the tips guys and girls.

 

A few replies:

1) I don't want peoples opinions on if I'm shallow or not, I know I'm not and I've been with her long enough for it not to affect our relationship seriously.

 

2) You cannot compare this to a man having a small penis. If that is the case then the man has absolutely no way of changing it.

 

3) She does eat healthily, well, I couldn't expect her to eat any more healthily because it would pretty much be salad for every meal.

You asked for our opinions and we gave them to you. Take the good with the bad and do whatever with it you like but don't come back and complain about it.

 

As for your second point, everyone was saying that the emotional impact of telling a woman that she is fat is similar to the emotional impact of telling a man that he has a small penis.

[slubberdegullion]

You asked for our opinions and we gave them to you. Take the good with the bad and do whatever with it you like but don't come back and complain about it.

He asked for help. "How should I handle this? I don't want to hurt her feelings." He didn't ask for opinions about whether anyone thinks he's shallow or not. It's not about his feelings, it's about how to communicate effectively with his lady.

...everyone was saying that the emotional impact of telling a woman that she is fat is similar to the emotional impact of telling a man that he has a small penis.

Nonsense. A man's paraphernalia has nothing to do with the lifestyle choices he makes. Weight, however, is entirely dependent (putting aside clinical issues) on lifestyle choices.

[JS17]

Nonsense. A man's paraphernalia has nothing to do with the lifestyle choices he makes. Weight, however, is entirely dependent (putting aside clinical issues) on lifestyle choices.

I couldn't disagree more. Not everyone who eats healthy and works out 5-6 times a week will have a great body. Weight is dependent on far more than lifestyle choices including genetics and hormones.

 

And on a personal note, if you read my original reply I state "I can't answer whether you're shallow or not, that's a matter of opinion."

[slubberdegullion]

I couldn't disagree more. Not everyone who eats healthy and works out 5-6 times a week will have a great body. Weight is dependent on far more than lifestyle choices including genetics and hormones.

Then we disagree, and I'm ok with that. I respect smart people like you who can disagree with me without resorting to personal attacks.

 

My point is that, with genetics and medical issues aside, obesity is a lifestyle choice. Yes, some people are predisposed to being overweight. But with that said, many use the genetic and hormonal argument as an excuse for inaction. "Oh, I'm just built like this," "I'm big-boned" and "No matter what I do, I gain weight" and all the rest are too often used as excuses to avoid the hard work - and it is hard, make no mistake - of maintaining a healthy body weight.

 

The other issue which hasn't been mentioned is one's perception of body image, which is too often tied to perception of personal worth.

 

Just because someone is overweight does not mean that they are lazy or have little willpower; but people often think that of themselves when they begin to get pudgy. Self-loathing leads, in many cases, to overeating, which leads to obesity, which leads to more self-loathing... I think you get the point.

 

It's hard, damn hard, to stop the cycle, but it's not impossible.

[bab]

I like the idea of going on nightly walks together. It can be romantic and fun. Plus, a 1/2hr. walk every night will make more of a difference then you think it will. Also, with the eating healthy, it's also about portion control. I eat lots of pasta and sauce. Not bad, but I at one point was eating 1/3 lb a serving. Yikes!!! Now I only buy 1/2lb boxes, and my fiance and I split it.

 

I do think you have a right to tell her. If she's sensitive about it, she probably does want to change, but it's a complicated issue, and takes motivation. Very similar to quitting smoking. Lots of people want to do it, but can't make it happen. Good luck!!

[Anjow]

I didn't want to start an argument, but I'm not okay with people who don't know me making accusations about my personality.

 

I'm very grateful for the advice.

 

To the person who asked if she's on the pill, yes, she is. She's had to switch lots of times recently because some gave her pains. However I am just of the belief that eating healthily isn't enough to stay in shape - exercise is necessary.

[JS17]

To the person who asked if she's on the pill, yes, she is. She's had to switch lots of times recently because some gave her pains.

Perhaps if she went off the pill she would lose the weight that you're unhappy with.

[reddog63]

"You have no right to tell her she is overweight nor do you have the right to tell her to exercise. She is the only one that should make this decision. If she were in a weight range that was detrimental to her heart or causing her to not be able to function then from a love perspective to say lets get you some help with that would be one thing...but basically what I am gettin here from what you wrote is that she's becoming unattractive to you because of her weight. I'm sorry that is a total pig thing to say. Love is deeper than an appearance.."

 

 

When I read something like this I can feel my blood pressure rise. He is a pig for mentioning her weight (ie unattractive)???? So, in other words, a man's need for an attractive spouse is not valid? Lord help me, people still think like that??? It is both spouses responsiblity to look reasonably attractive for the other. Read some books, it is one of Mens higher needs. To invalidate it is not right. Especially when a spouse was a reasonable weight prior to marriage then blows up.

 

The one thing you said I do agree with is that it has to be her decision. And no matter how much one trys to "assist" the spouse to lose weight, it wont happen until she or he gets serious about it.

 

My wife was overweight.....128 prior to marriage and near 200 at max........was she sexy??........no........did I enjoy her appearance??.....no. Luckily she is finally doing something about it. And believe me, I tried everything........offer to watch the kids, buy exercise equiptment, etc. Alls you can do is tell her the nicest way but direct. Do not be ashamed that you need her to look better, etc........Sure, you can throw in the health factor, but the truth is, you do not want an unattractive fat wife. That does NOT make you wrong or bad. My only advice is to figure out if your willing to live with it when you realize that most likely she will never get around to losing it.

 

Ha......if I ever was single again........A woman who takes care of herself would be high on my list!

[JS17]

"My wife was overweight.....128 prior to marriage and near 200 at max

Was this when she was pregnant?

[glittergurl]

To the person who asked if she's on the pill, yes, she is. She's had to switch lots of times recently because some gave her pains. However I am just of the belief that eating healthily isn't enough to stay in shape - exercise is necessary.

 

You know, I read that the pill can cause a significant gain of weight. Why not dig into this possibility? Because, if it's the pill causing this; no matter how strict she diets and how much she exercises; the weight will be practically impossible to lose.

[Reckless]

Hi there,

 

I had to come back because I made the 'original penis' remark (never thought I'd say that out loud) and it seems to have caused quite a bit of a raucus... and also because I'm er... a woman and although not overweight, like 90% of the women on the planet, think I'm too fat when I gain 10 lbs... after a LIFETIME of dieting and generally screwing with my metabolism, I have a degree in 'is there a good way to say the F-word...?'

 

I said the penis thing not because it was comparable as a condidtion (of course one can't be remedied and the other can) but to illustrate how sensitive an issue you are dealing with. Because something can be remedied doesn't mean isn't a sore point; in fact, it may be more loaded because you can go ahead and add a generous helping of guilt and self loathing to the wealth of negative feeling already in the pot.

 

Maybe your lady is one of the 12 well balanced, easy going loves-herself in her head, totally zen-like magnificents that didn't grow up with her perception of self inextricably linked to what she looks like on the planet - in which case she should write a book because she's exceptional - (also, if that is the case you have nothing to worry about her ingrained sence of balance will soon kick in and modify her exercise habits...) but truth is the most of us mortals are EXTREMELY sensitive about our weight. Very very extremely massively, incredibly, tremendously and a lot.

 

So all I as saying is gently does it. Was that unreasonable? In fact, seemed to me your approach is more or less spot on (gentle encouragement to do more exercise) but I also seem to recall you asked if you were being a bit soft and should you just come out and say it and my reply was something like... well, you could but duck first.

 

I can conceive of cases where a couple may need to discuss the man's small member. The woman may need to be stimulated in otherways to be sexually satisfied, she may feel that they need to experiment with various positions and approaches, she may be 'concerned' that their relationship is suffering, but if she's any sense, she'll know she's approaching a minefield by bring up the subject and will step lightly.

 

 

.... women and weight are like.... (okay I won't say men and their penis' (peni?)... men and money? men and their cars? I don't know... it's our personal battle, our daily struggle, our egos, our sexuality. Its how we 'connect' with each other, even with strangers. It (wrongly) is used as a gage to how attractive we feel. it's our take on the world. We bitch about our butts and gripe about our thighs. Women walk into a room and can within 6 seconds classify each woman according to weight (and looks of course). We don't admit it, if asked we don't heistate to say how politically incorrect that would be, how we should all embrase the sisterhood, blah-blah, BLAH blaaahhhh..... but believe me, most of us do it.

 

Just as men have NO IDEA how bitchy some women can be (they NEVER are around men), most cannot conceive of how such a 'simple' "energy in x energy out" biological equation can become such a part of the fibre of how a person feels about themselves and the world around them and how, give or take a degree, depending on whether or not our mothers let us play with barbies as children, how terribly sensitive we are about our weight.

 

So, is there a good way to tell a woman your concerned about her weight gain? No, No. A thousand times, no; there is no 'good' way to say it, but I did not say it should not be said (or that it is wrong to be concerned as some have commented). As someone pointed out it might be what she needs to hear.

 

Not everything in life is pleasant (for the disher (you) or the dishee (her) but some things should be said.

Knowlege is power, so, my post was to let you know in case you didn't, there is not 'good' way to say the F-word.

 

Here's to luck, love and health for you both.

 

R

[reddog63]

Quote:

Originally Posted by reddog63

"My wife was overweight.....128 prior to marriage and near 200 at max

 

Was this when she was pregnant?

 

 

Youngest is about to turn 7. Was at about 190 within last year. And like I said, somewhere between last child and now she hit high of 200.