How to tell her I'm concerned about her weight

[RecordProducer]

It is both spouses responsiblity to look reasonably attractive for the other. Read some books, it is one of Mens higher needs. To invalidate it is not right. Especially when a spouse was a reasonable weight prior to marriage then blows up.

I completely agree with you.

truth is the most of us mortals are EXTREMELY sensitive about our weight. Very very extremely massively, incredibly, tremendously and a lot.

One more good reason to not let ourselves look fat! Now if my guy NEVER told me anything about my weight, but I know he appreciates a nice body like all men alive, how would closing my eyes in front of the facts make me feel better? Even if nobody tells the fat people "Hey, you're fat!" they see the results of them being overweight - most likely people don't like to date them.

 

Refering to the penis analogy... if my guy ate too much cookies and that made his penis really small or caused erectile dysfunction, you bet I would nag about it.

 

Regarding this girl eating healthy food, if I exclude the huge possibility that she is eating healthily only around her boyfriend, nobody who eats properly and exercises regularly is likely to be significantly overweight. Now what's healthy food anyway? You can eat as many tomatoes and kiwis as you wish, but bread and butter, milk, potatoes, bananas, rice or beans will make you gain weight if eaten in high quantities, although they are also considered necessary for the body.

[JS17]

nobody who eats properly and exercises regularly is likely to be significantly overweight.

You're wrong. Period.

 

You also didn't understand the penis analogy despite the insightful post by Reckless.

[slubberdegullion]

JS, as much as I like your avatar, I think it's you who misunderstood Reckless' analogy. If you read it again, you'll see the following:

I said the penis thing not because it was comparable as a condidtion {sic} (of course one can't be remedied and the other can)(emphasis added}

 

RP is right, also, in her assertion that exercise and a healthy diet are required elements of a healthy body weight. Simply saying that she is wrong does not make it so. Read the data yourself: http://www.nwcr.ws/Research/default.htm

[JS17]

JS, as much as I like your avatar, I think it's you who misunderstood Reckless' analogy. If you read it again, you'll see the following:

 

 

RP is right, also, in her assertion that exercise and a healthy diet are required elements of a healthy body weight. Simply saying that she is wrong does not make it so. Read the data yourself: http://www.nwcr.ws/Research/default.htm

We both know that you took that out of context. I believe Reckless said

I said the penis thing not because it was comparable as a condidtion (of course one can't be remedied and the other can) but to illustrate how sensitive an issue you are dealing with.

The point was the sensitivity of the issue.

 

Of course exercise and a healthy diet are required elements of a healthy body weight. RP said that nobody that does both will be overweight. That is plain wrong. I don't need to read anything to tell me that.

[slubberdegullion]

We both know that you took that out of context. I believe Reckless said The point was the sensitivity of the issue.

I don't see it as being about sensitivity, I see it as being about something under one's control. Weight is a controllable factor. Penis length is not.

Of course exercise and a healthy diet are required elements of a healthy body weight. RP said that nobody that does both will be overweight. That is plain wrong. I don't need to read anything to tell me that.

That's not what RP said. Read it again:

nobody who eats properly and exercises regularly is likely to be significantly overweight (emphasis added)

Her comments was generalized, because it is based on general trends and not a hard-and-fast 100% guaranteed result.

 

But if you simply refuse to read the data, then you are basing your assumption on opinions, not facts.

[JS17]

But if you simply refuse to read the data, then you are basing your assumption on opinions, not facts.

Not everything needs to be read to be known. Sometimes experience will tell you that not every woman that has heavy parents, that has hormonal diseases, that is on birth control, that has had children....the list goes on....has control over their weight. I don't need to read it, I have seen it.

 

Edit: RP has also stated in the past that she believes 10-15 lbs is overweight so your "emphasis" holds no water. 10-15 lbs is not significantly overweight by FDA standards.

[slubberdegullion]

I don't need to read it, I have seen it.

Then you're basing your assumptions on anecdotal evidence, and drawing conclusions based on bad data.

 

But if you're determined to ignore the facts, then I guess there's not much more to be said.

 

You're welcome to have the last word if you wish; I'm not emotionally attached to the argument.

[JS17]

You're welcome to have the last word if you wish; I'm not emotionally attached to the argument.

Clearly. From what you say it doesn't sound like you have any experience in the arena. You learn more from experience then from sticking your head in a book.

[Audrey1]

You know, I read that the pill can cause a significant gain of weight. Why not dig into this possibility? Because, if it's the pill causing this; no matter how strict she diets and how much she exercises; the weight will be practically impossible to lose.

 

 

THAT IS SO TRUE! Heck, it happened to me. Went on BC and gained 20 lbs in under a month! I freaked out about this obviously and went off of the meds. Took 6 months for that 20 lbs to come off. Med weight gain is weird.

 

But if she's on BC that could be the cause of it! Glad someone thought of that possibility!

[slubberdegullion]

It seems that we've strayed far from the point.

 

The original post was asking for advice about how to break it to her that her weight is causing an issue in the relationship, regardless of the reason she's becoming obese.

 

My original advice still stands.

 

Good luck, Anjow!

[Audrey1]

OK, back to the point.

 

Try saying this:

"Honey, are you ok? I've noticed a change in your personality lately, like you don't seem as confident and vibrant as you usually are. Is is because you've put on a little weight? I love you no matter what, but if you want me to help you get in shape I"d be glad to."

 

And if she DOES finally begin working out/eating better and she does lose weight, you make damn sure that you are all over 24/7 with affection and compliments, and you look at her new beautiful body with awe. That will be your end of the deal.

[glittergurl]

It seems that we've strayed far from the point.

 

The original post was asking for advice about how to break it to her that her weight is causing an issue in the relationship, regardless of the reason she's becoming obese.

 

Well, I'm sorry, but finding the reason of her weight gain is quite essential to find a solution, don't you think? It's hard to give any good advice about how to approach this situation if they're on the wrong track to begin with.

 

This, I believe, is much more constructive than debating whether he's shallow or not.

[reddog63]

"Well, I'm sorry, but finding the reason of her weight gain is quite essential to find a solution, don't you think? "

 

 

My guess is too many donuts and not enough exercise.........but its just a guess!

[slubberdegullion]

Well, I'm sorry, but finding the reason of her weight gain is quite essential to find a solution, don't you think?

You're right, of course, that finding the reason for the weight gain is necessary to begin to work on a plan for reduction. But from what I understood from the original post, his concern was less about the reason for her weight gain than it was about how to talk to her about it without him getting his head bitten off.

 

And yes, it's far more productive than the accusations of him being shallow.

[sunnyson]

Instead of getting DVDs or going out for dinner, maybe you could make it a day at the late waterskiing, play some volleyball etc.

If she gets sensitive or doesn't like the idea, then approach her in a different way.

Instead of asking her if she's been excercising (when you know she hasn't - which is why she finds it irritating), let her know that you worry about her well being and that you just want her to be happy. Eventually help her find a sport that she loves and can do on a regular basis. And introduce her to healthier alternatives to what she'd usually eat at home. (eg. subway)

 

And of course, you need to get to know the source on a deeper level. Why is she gaining weight over the last two years? Obviously she's been eating more, but why? The key is to care about ur gf on a level where she knows that you just want the best for her and that you genuinly care about her health.

 

Like for me, I watch very carefully what my bf eats because I know he used to have high blood pressure. And he nags his mum about his younger brothers' weight because of the risk of diabetes, and heart diseases in adulthood.

 

All the best to you and ur gf.

[islandsurfer]

Weight is a touchy matter to a girl, and there really isn't much u can say about it that will go over well. It is all up to her wether or not she will do anything about her weight gain. As she buys new (bigger) clothes maybe she will relize its time to watch what shes' eating or to exercise a lil more.

 

I total sympathize with you about offering to excerice with ur gf and her not wanting to. Over the last year n a half my gf has gained weight, complaining about the added weight all the time. I am doing what i think is the smart thing, and keep my mouth shut everytime she complaines about it. I tried to do physical activities with her, but she never wants to. She continues to slowly gain weight, and the only thing i know i can do is support her if she reaches a point and wants to lose weight. I don't think its possible for me to bring up her weight without it going the wrong way. You know ur gf's personality and can judge how she will react better then we can.

 

On a side note, I think my gf's added weight is whats keeping her from doing physcial acivites with me. Using the gym as an example, a year n a half ago she was the slim girl that went to the gym to maintain her figure. People would say she looked good and my gf would tell them what she used in the gym. Now she feels uncomforitable going to the gym noticibly heavier and knowing she won't be able to do the stuff she used to do.

[reddog63]

Everyone talks about how crucial good communication is to a relationship. Why all these f***ing games??? Why so afraid to tell someone the truth???

If a husband or wife is getting to heavy, tell them directly for gods sake. You can try and say it as nicely as possible but dam...........

 

Ohhhh, its all about feelings. Well the spouse that has to put up with the not so attractive weight gain .........well.........he or she is either shallow to mention it or has to tell little white lies..........."Ohhh honey, I am just worried about your health, I love you for who you are on the inside...kiss kiss", "Oh noooooooooo, nothing to do with you look fat and are not appealing to me sexually",

 

Come on people............if she/he has a fat ass and it keeps growing.........be nice but have the balls to be "DIRECT"!!!!!!!!

[ACB]

Be careful. I didn't say anyhting and now my wife is huge. Too late to go back now. You get used to it.