This long. Sorry, but I need help

[WitzEnd]

Hi everyone. This is my first time doing anything like this, so I'm kinda nervous. I feel like I'm in a chat room or something... also something I've never done before.

My marriage is in big trouble. I don't know why I'm on here writing. I don't know if I even expect any answers, or advice. I do know that I need someone to talk to, and I don't really have any friends, so I'm hoping this will be a good way to vent. If I don't vent, I feel like I'm gonna blow a gasket. Why?

Well, my wife and I have been married for a little over 15 years, and like most marriages, it was great for the first year. Fantastic!! But since then, it seems like we've been in a steady decline, with some bright spots here and there, but nothing too rough. Nothing that it seemed couldn't be cleared up. However, in the years since, we've continued to have kids. Only for the sole reason that we both agreed we wanted a big family. Now we have six kids, our newest being born last week (a baby boy, thank you!).

To nut shell this (otherwise it's going to be a novel!), since the summer, things have gotten much worse between my wife and I. I will be completely and totally honest:

1) I have never hit her. Ever.

2) I have never slandered her, or bad-mouthed her in front of the kids.. to me that's petty and low class

3) I'm not perfect... some of the problems we have are my fault

 

That being said, let me continue. She is very angry at me because since about June, she says that I haven't been there for her. That I haven't been interested in the pregnancy. That I wasn't emotionally close to her, and thus wasn't any kind of support system for her.

She is right. But as I've tried to tell her, I wanted to be and do all those things, but she drove me away from her. I understand that a woman is very moody when she's pregnant. But as I said to her, there's a BIG difference between moody and downright mean. At the beginning of the summer (actually thru the spring, leading up to summer), due to my own financial mismanagement, I ran our finances into the ground. We had to take a trip halfway across the country in July for some family business, and that didn't help. And all through the trip she was constantly criticizing my driving, and picking at me about one thing or another. At one point, as we were packing up to leave the hotel I asked what I could do to help and she said "just sit down and shut up. Keep the kids occupied and if I need you I'll let you know."

When we got back, money was really tight... more like non-existent.

But all would have been okay, if prior to the trip I had managed our money better. When we got back home, our situation was so bad that we had to borrow money from her mom just to eat! As I said, it was bad, and it was my fault.

My wife yelled at me (understandable). Then she yelled at me some more (also understandable, although notenjoyed at all). Then she yelled at me even more. This went on for about a week. No matter how many times I apologized, and said I was sorry, she refused to accept my apology, saying that it did absolutely no good. That my apology was worthless. After about a month of this kind of thing (her bad-mouthing me in front of the kids, too), I finally had enough, and told her that she just needed to be quiet about it. I understood that she was mad, but that didn't mean that I didn't feel bad about it, and that she should be allowed to just run her mouth on and on and on about it. She said that since I never brought up the subject myself, obviously I didn't care.

Since then, we've gotten back on our feet financially, but it's always one thing or another that she wants to gripe about. There is always something she's mad at me about. Now, I'm not perfect, but I also know that I'm not so big of a screw up that I can't do anything right. It's always something. And when she's mad, she just wants to yell at me. I figured she's pregnant, so I'll be easy about it, and just let her yell. Let her vent.

I also work two jobs... have for years, so I'm not home much. When I am, she's always mad at me; either not talking to me (but talking about me to the kids... what a horrible person I am, etc), or she's yelling at me.

About a month ago, she took to cursing out my parents. My parents died years ago! She's calling me an S.O.B. which isn't an insult to me, but to my mom, (passed away in 1990), and saying my dad (passed away in 1980) did a horrible job raising me (yelling all this, mind you).

I tried to tell her that if she wants to talk to me, I'd talk, but that I refuse to stand there and listen to someone yell at me constantly, and curse me. I won't do it. I also told her that if there's something I do that upsets her, she can talk to me about it, and I'd listen, but if she comes at me right from the beginning with all guns blazing in anger, I'll immediately be on the defensive. Who wouldn't be? I also said that I'd talk to her, but if she wants to complain to me about what I'm doing, or not doing, etc, she shouldn't expect me to want to stand there for 3 hours and listen to her cry and yell. That's no exagerration, either. That's happened. I don't want to have my ego crushed, squashed, and shredded for three hours. No one does. But that's what she expects. And she's surprised that I'm not emotionally close to her?!?!

The house is a cluttered mess, and she won't clean it, but gets mad at me if I do... she's a stay-at-home mom, and says that me doing that is invading her territory.

I just can't take this anymore. I've asked her numerous times (both before the pregnancy and during) to go with me to marriage counseling. I've pleaded with her. She refuses, saying she isn't doing anything wrong, and that I need to do all the changing. That right now her focus is on the baby. And since she's had the baby, she says her focus is on raising the baby and recovering. I threw down the gauntlet, so to speak about three weeks ago, and told her that if she doesn't go with me to counseling, I couldn't stay with her. And she began to scream at me and cry, and say that I didn't care about her or the baby, that i was trying to draw all the focus to me, that I was being unfair, etc. If I had the money to move out, I would.

Believe me, I'd rather she and I talk about anything but me, because it always turns into a bitch session about what I'm doing wrong, or how mean I am. She wants to be able to yell and scream at me about whatever she wants, and her opinion is that since she brings it up, I need to just shut my mouth, and let her. Even when she gets personal in her verbal attacks, she thinks I should just shut up and take it. If I say anything that disagrees with her, I'm "arguing" she says. She asks me why I did something, and I tell her why, and she says I'm defending myself. What?!?!!? No, I just answered her question, that's all.

I've been on and off seeing a therapist, because I feel like I'm losing my mind. The therapist said once about 2 months ago that I should just tell my wife that I'd like to talk to her. Just talk. Nothing with any real meaning... just chit-chat to break the ice. Sounded good to me, so I tried it. I went home and the first thing I did was say "Hi" in as nice and pleasant of a voice as I could. I just said Hi. That's all.

"What's that supposed to mean?" She asked. "You never ask, so why are you asking now?" and it went from there into a massive argument. If I had the money, I'd have moved out by now. I want to fix our marriage. She wants me to fix our marriage. She doesn't want to do any work. Just this morning she was screaming at me, calling me all kinds of vile names, in front of the kids before they left for school, because I put the toilet paper I bought in the old place where we used to put it, not the new place. She needed it last night while I was at work, but refused to call me and ask. She said she shouldn't have to call me. I should just tell her. I explained that I forgot about it, and I apologized so she yelled at me for apologizing, and said I just didn't care. She was throwing things, and yelling and I just walked away. I don't need that kind of abuse. So she yelled at me for walking away. In throwing stuff around, she dropped the baby's pacifier,a nd she yelled at me for that, too. Our baby was born 5 days ago, and I haven't held him yet, because she says I have no right to. In her words, I didn't get to know him in utero, so what makes me think I have the right to now?!?! In the interest of not wanting to start some other huge argument, I've let her have her way, but it's tearing me up inside. I want to hold my son.

I don't know what to do. I want to save our marriage, but out of the two of us, it seems like I'm the only one who realizes it'll take two of us. I cannot do it on my own. I can't. She wants me to do all the work, and all the changing, while she just sits back and does nothing.

Am I crazy? None of this seems right to me. Please tell me, is it just me? Is my mind working right? Please forgive the length of this post, but I just had to get it out. Please someone tell me, am I crazy? Please...

WitzEnd

[quankanne]

this is not meant to be mean or rude, but maybe you need to get hold of her gynecologist and explain that your wife is going through a meltdown – it's possible that the resentment and anger and hurt that she normally experiences is being magnified by the stress from delivering your son (congratulations, BTW).

 

whether or not she has willingly agreed to be the caretaker and you the breadwinner, I imagine being Mama has taken it's toll on her.

 

counseling would do wonders for y'all, but it's hard to make someone want it, too. Don't stop seeing a counsellor yourself, and keep working on the marriage from your end, even if she refuses to help.

 

hang in there, man, we're pulling for you.

[WitzEnd]

Quankanne,

thanks for replying so quickly. I sat here and read it, and cried a bit as I did. I know it's not "masculine" to cry, but the flood of bad feelings is just so harsh. She and I wanted the homemaker/breadwinner rules since we first got married, so that's where that stands. Maybe I should do like you said and get in touch with her doctor. Maybe he can suggest something. I'm glad you said what you did about me continuing with couseling.... I'm planning to keep going, but the base where I'm stationed (I'm military) has limited times and spaces for the counselors to see anyone. I'll keep trying to get in there, though. Thanks so much again for replying...

[Zetter]

Well, I'm not a great advice giver, but I can at least empathize. You are human, you will make mistakes, and so will she. I think much of what is going on is the same thing you will see on these posts a thousand times - you didn't feed her emotional needs. It is tough to do when she is being cruel. Trust me, I know. The added stress of being pregnat, being post-partum, all of the hormones and emotions swirling from that, are throwing her into a huge tailspin. I would suggest writing her a letter so that you can get it all down, and let her read it without her yelling at you. At the end of the letter, ask her if you could sit down with her to discuss it all, because A) you really, really care for her first and foremost and B) you want to be there for her. She needs to hear those things, and more importantly understand and believe them. And you can't just tell her. You must tell her your plan to improve your support of her, and then you absolutely must followthrough. And do not say "hey, see, I did this on the list, and that." Just do it and don't say a word. She'll come around.

[Mz. Pixie]

Are you by chance talking to a close female friend about some of these issues???

[Ladyjane14]

I'm with Quankanne on calling her OB/GYN. Post-partum depression is more than just feeling sad and crying. Sometimes the depression manifests in bouts of anger.

 

Six kids is ALOT of responsibility and work. It's already a big job, and I can't begin to imagine how overwhelming it is when you've got a newborn to deal with as well.

 

Take no static from the doctor's office staff if you feel that your wife's personality is truly altered.

 

Your family needs help. And since you seem to be the only adult who's still got both oars left in the water....the job is up to you.

 

I wonder if the chaplain on your base will have any ideas for you. (????)

[WitzEnd]

Mz Pixie,

No I'm not talking to any female friends about it. In fact the only female who knows is my boss at work. And she only knows because she asked me to stop by today... she heard from co-workers that I was very upset after a phone call at work from my wife about a week ago. I told her everything, and she was pretty understanding about it. She's pregnant herself and says pretty much the same thing that I'm getting from folks in this forum... that it sounds like a hormonal/chemical imbalance kinda thing

[WitzEnd]

Ladyjane14,

I know that post-partum depression may be part of it, but this has been going on for months. Is there a pre-partum depression, or any such thing? I have an appointment with some counselors on base for Monday (it's in an office called "Life Skills")... just someone I can talk with. That's the soonest they can see me.

As for the Chaplain, I've thought about going to him, but I wanted at first to see what the folks at Life Skills could do. In either case, whomever I end up talking to, I think I will bring up the thing about the doctor, and see if there's any way they can help me convince my wife that at least this may be part of the problem. I think too, that before I do that, I need to talk to my wife about the possibility of it being a medical thing. I don't know if that's a smart thing to do... I don't want to start another argument, but it might make it worse if I wait to see someone and then spring it on her.

[bkz]

Righting a letter to her sounds like a great idea. Does she ever get a break from the kids? How bout a day spa, some flowers and a nice night out for dinner? I know this may be tough to do at this point, that she may be unwilling but im just throwing it out there.

[Becoming]

WitzEnd--

 

You're really going through it, and I'm sorry for your pain. You don't deserve the verbal abuse you're getting, but honestly, she probably doesn't deserve the emotional neglect she feels like she's getting (for some good reasons).

The letter and day spa and flowers as well as counseling are all great ideas!

Also, check out http://www.marriagebuilders.com. It really helped my husband and me, and working through the things on that site could be the plan you present to her to show you're really serious about saving your marriage.

 

Now, I'm gonna tell you a woman's point of view Pregnancy is the pits for some women. Before we had our last child, I was on an emotional rollercoaster that felt like alien beings had taken over my body. I was sometimes mean to my poor husband who's a great guy but emotionally withdrawn for his own reasons.

 

I'd be willing to bet your wife feels abandoned. You have to work two jobs and you're not there. And then there was no money so that she was terrified. She's utterly dependent upon you, and you can't be there much because you're trying to keep everything together financially. Even when you're there, it doesn't sound like you're emotionally open (for good reason, man--no judgment!). But you've got to work on showing her you really want to be there. And it sounds like both of you need to learn how to share emotions you're both scared of with each other.

 

Also, there's something chemical going on with her. Pregnancy takes Omega 3 oils from our bodies in order to feed the babies. Get her started on about 3 grams of Omega 3 oils/day to replace what her brain needs to be happy. She's depressed, and with six kids she hasn't recovered from the other babies.

 

I know it's hard to hear this given your wife's unjustifiable behavior that has hurt you deeply, but really, you're going to have to take the initiative for saving your marriage. Check out marriagebuilders.com and do it. It really works.

 

Prayers and best wishes!

[suegail]

Well, I can understand why you have had the tendency to distance yourself emotionally - - you'd almost have to in order to remain sane. I would not ask - I would not leave her a single other option - I would insist on counseling. You cannot live like this and it's so terribly unfair to the kids. Don't worry about upsetting her by discussing the need for counseling or even the need for a medical doctor - it obvious she's going to be upset no matter what. What needs to be done is that someone needs to get to the bottom of whatever this problem is. There has to be a reason because her anger is out of proportion - she is way over the edge. If this isn't resolved it could get worse, it could escalate, it could branch out, and at some point I think you would fear for the safety of your children. She seriously needs some help....