gordon_gc Posted November 15, 2005 Share Posted November 15, 2005 Hi guys, Alright, I feel really down and still try to understand a lot of things I probably shouldn't. My 13 months gf broke up with me last week. She told me she felt lost. That she still loved me. She also told me that she felt suffocated in the last few weeks of our relationship. Anyway, of course, the whole thing hurt a lot and she broke my heart so much. During this week, I did not initiate any contact with her. However, she did at several occasion via text messages on my mobile. To be civil, I always replied to her but a day later or so. The week end went throught and on monday, she sent me a new text message late at night pretty much stating that she missed me a lot and that things were strange me not being around and that she would like to talk and see me soon. Naively, I took this as hope and told her she could call me if she wanted to. I think I expected her to tell she regreted what she would have said and done and that she was willing to give us another chance...NO WAY !! The whole calling thing was actually her telling me she had spent a really ****ty week...sad...upset...empty...a body without a soul. And actually, it was because she liked me around. However, she told me she was not ready to give us another chance but wanted to be friends. In other words, she wanted to feel better about herself by keeping in touch with me. I told her I wanted this more than anything because silence was really hard but didn't think it would be a good idea until she would know what she wanted. I told her to seek advices near friends and relatives and talk about the whole thing so she can find the right questions to ask and the right answers to these questions. The last contact I got from her was a text message received soon after to tell me she understood my decision of NC as she hurt me and didnt want to make things worse. She wrote that she did love me, couldnt figure out what was going on and didnt want to make a big mistake. Also, she felt lost and was sorry for not making anything easy for me. Since then, I thought about it and obviously, a strict NC is necessary however I do like the post from grace2005 and how she got back with the gf after 2,5 months. What I want from this post is maybe some advices on the choices I now have to make. I also would like to know if you share my vision of the situation that I see as...She loves me, might want to be in relationship with me but unfortunately, don't want to push the things further because she deeply realise that I am not the one and it would be a waste of time trying to make things work btween us 2. What do you guys think ? I seriously would appreciate as much as possible reply to this thread. I need help...Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted November 15, 2005 Share Posted November 15, 2005 I think you already pegged it; she's staying in contact with you to make herself feel better. It has little to do with you, and much to do with her own conscience. And if I hear of one more woman feeling "lost" (which is, of course, wimmenspeak for "I want out of this relationship but I'll string you along as long as possible to give you false hope, then rip your heart out of your chest and stomp on your last vestige of self-respect") I'm going to banish the word from my vocabulary. Keep NC. Don't even respond to her emails or other feeble attempts at manipulating you. Move on. Yes, it's going to hurt for a while, but you'll be a better man for it in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gordon_gc Posted November 15, 2005 Author Share Posted November 15, 2005 Moving on is easy to say but so hard to do...I seriously thought "she is the one...not "she might be the one" and it hurts to think that suddenly, everything is over and I have to move on. I'll stick to NC anyway Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted November 15, 2005 Share Posted November 15, 2005 Moving on is easy to say but so hard to do...I seriously thought "she is the one... Yes, moving on can be dreadfully difficult, but it's really your only option. If she is the one, then she'll be back. If she's not, then she'll be out of your life. Either way, you'll have your answer. Good luck, and stay strong. Link to post Share on other sites
reader Posted November 15, 2005 Share Posted November 15, 2005 I have to agree with the thought that she is using you to make herself feel better, particularly because this seems to be your gut instinct. Trust it. From a woman's perspective, it could just be that she is confused but it doesn't matter, it isn't right to drag someone else through whatever emotional trial she is going through. I know it's hard, most of us have been there. If it helps, I got very busy, spent time with friends who knew how hurt I was, beat myself up mentally for sticking my neck out for someone who was too immature, not ready, you name it, and very slowly got over it. It got to the point with me that when I started feeling better, I lived in a bit of fear that they would call, I was starting to hope they wouldn't so I there would be no risk of being dragged back in, get my hopes up, only to find out that it was all about them, again! Now I just feel that if it isn't working, it isn't. This means friends, spouses, etc. Stay busy, write here as often as you need to, and take time to figure out how you really feel, REGARDLESS of how she feels. Good luck! Reader Link to post Share on other sites
cynicalnlove Posted November 16, 2005 Share Posted November 16, 2005 Moving on is easy to say but so hard to do...I seriously thought "she is the one...not "she might be the one" and it hurts to think that suddenly, everything is over and I have to move on. I'll stick to NC anyway Everyone is so biased about love, as if it could be so easily replaced. And gordon, I understand what you feel. I know everyone from the outside keeps on telling you to move on. Yes, I agree. You may want to move on more than anything in the world, but your heart is still hoping. No love is an easy, but once you have it; it's amazing. Especially when that one person comes into your life, and changed everything for the better and for the worse. From my point of views. She is lost. She's confused about the whole thing, wondering whether or not this is what she wants. She's stringing you along to make sure that if she decides to go on with it, that you're still around. And because her "lost" is her dilemma, it is unfair for her to have played with your hopes and emotions like that. You could also take this time to really re-analyze your feelings. The NC thing will probably benefit the both of you, whether or not you would work well together. Will this be a continuous problem, will she be stringing you along everywhere she goes. Then she'll know that you're easily accessible, that until she finds someone better; she'll still have a warm body to hold on to whenever she wants. So see, if you let her do this; she'll take you for granted. Here's another theory. She might be afraid that she's fallign too hard too soon. Maybe she's been hurt in the past and that what she feels makes her vulnerable, maybe she's terrified of that. But then thats her issue that she needs to figure it out, but you also need to stay away. Because you might be hurt far more than this. Give her space, give her time. She can't half ass you.. In the meantime - enjoy life. Link to post Share on other sites
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted November 16, 2005 Share Posted November 16, 2005 Here's another theory. She might be afraid that she's fallign too hard too soon. Maybe she's been hurt in the past and that what she feels makes her vulnerable, maybe she's terrified of that. But then thats her issue that she needs to figure it out, but you also need to stay away. Because you might be hurt far more than this. Give her space, give her time. She can't half ass you.. In the meantime - enjoy life. does this really ever happen to girls? i.e. they are full on in mad love then take 10 back steps? my recent relationship was 7/7 full on right from the start, i don't even know whether she was that hurt in the past, i am hurt far worse than her, i am staying away from her...reluctantly Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted November 16, 2005 Share Posted November 16, 2005 does this really ever happen to girls? i.e. they are full on in mad love then take 10 back steps? my recent relationship was 7/7 full on right from the start, i don't even know whether she was that hurt in the past, i am hurt far worse than her, i am staying away from her...reluctantly Not usually, women are the ones who want security and feel safe so they want to know they are set in their relationship; ie they seek out commitment faster than men, regardless of being hurt. Its in our nature to want to be protected. There are some exceptions to the rule of course, like those who have been abused and such. But even then, from my experience I have seen the abused just want to be loved that much more. Anything is possible, though. Link to post Share on other sites
Neptune Posted November 16, 2005 Share Posted November 16, 2005 El Mucho Problemo with women is often they want to keep the man in cold storage. Then either check out a relationship or attempt to start a relationship with another guy. Very good chance that is what is really going on. Link to post Share on other sites
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted November 16, 2005 Share Posted November 16, 2005 El Mucho Problemo with women is often they want to keep the man in cold storage. Then either check out a relationship or attempt to start a relationship with another guy. Very good chance that is what is really going on. i wish i could find out, i don't know whether i imagined it or not the other night whether she was holding hands with a guy but to look at him i would doubt it, i think if she was I wouldn't have went up to speak to her, they were two fellow musicians so maybe not, I just wish i could ask her is there really a chance that is happening? like to hear from ladies! i know i wouldn't do this kind of stuff! yeah she said she was confused the 1st time she broke up from me, said it should feel like relief but it didn't Link to post Share on other sites
Author gordon_gc Posted November 16, 2005 Author Share Posted November 16, 2005 Quick update and seeking advices...please help !!!! If you are on this thread, you got to see my situation and what I am living now. Today, my gf contacted me again but this time for something different. Actually, in the last few months, I have been indirectly involved in her work (ie I am a Graphic designer and she works in the marketing department of a company). I have done a few jobs for her to help her deal with the pressure she already had in her work. Today, she wants me to send her one of the logo I changed so she can work on something and I am really split in between sending it, not sending it, or sending it and telling her to get out of my life at the same time... What should I do ? Link to post Share on other sites
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted November 16, 2005 Share Posted November 16, 2005 i know you want to help her but most people on this site will say don't, do what you have to do , you sound like me i.e. a soft touch but anything you do probably won't change her mind but if you just want to help her out go for it although i've seen girls in work using guys and i despised them for doing that, really put me off them as human beings.... they lost my respect! Link to post Share on other sites
Author gordon_gc Posted November 16, 2005 Author Share Posted November 16, 2005 I dont think it is that she uses me in work since I proposed to help her out when she was so busy. Now, what is going through my mind is that she obviously need me to go through a work problem (and not emotional). I really want her back and I dont think messing up with her work would help me, help us. That is what my guts are telling me to do...send that thing so you dont put her in a big mess with her work. But I also wanna make a point that I am important in her life at every level by not sending it. And finally, I just wanna send that thing and really state that I do not want to have any contact but that would close my door and she might definitely decide to move on.... I dont know what to do and need answers quick !!! Link to post Share on other sites
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted November 16, 2005 Share Posted November 16, 2005 work problems and emotional problems right now are both the same for you both are entertwined as you know well... strange thing is the more you do for her now the less you will get... i've always been told adn learnt it makes you look weak! like my ex she's probably already moved on and is at least thinking of seeing someone else hell i thought i seen my ex with someone else on Saturday night... think anyway but if she is with him i don't know what she is at... he ain't noway as good looking as me and i did treat her like a princess! Link to post Share on other sites
grace2005 Posted November 16, 2005 Share Posted November 16, 2005 I do like the post from grace2005 and how she got back with the gf after 2,5 months. By the way I'm a male. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gordon_gc Posted November 16, 2005 Author Share Posted November 16, 2005 I do like the post from grace2005 and how she got back with the gf after 2,5 months. By the way I'm a male. My bad grace2005, I guess I got confused with my writing (I am French). I figured it out you were a male !!! Link to post Share on other sites
cynicalnlove Posted November 16, 2005 Share Posted November 16, 2005 ok, there's a lot of discussions going on at once. 1st: Gordon: I think you should just keep it professional. If its imperative for her to have that project, then email it . attached a professional note: per your request... etc, etc. sincerely - G. Your business and personal life should not collide with each other, as a professional; you shouldn't use it to get back at her or to make her realize that. BrainRight 2st: I just think both men and women are both cheating and manipulative hearts. i beleive women more so than men, because a lot of women have insecurities issues. But if she's with someone else in anyway, she has already moved on, meaning - she's willing to put you out of her life. She might just be dating the guy to fill a void. Doesn't neccessarly mean she likes him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gordon_gc Posted November 16, 2005 Author Share Posted November 16, 2005 Hi, Just a quick update of the situation. I actually took the decision to send the thing she needed for her work. I just thought about th whole situation and not sending it would have been negative for her job and ultimately, it would have been negative for me. Sending it was just a more neutral way of behaving (no positive either). However, I also played a mind game by giving her a few information about myself and my life. Indeed, I sent the documents to her and said I wouldnt be able to access my computer again for a few days as I was going for a break 100km away but I would be back in 2 days as I have to pick up my brother at the airport. (I am French and live in Australia so the bro thing is pretty big....and true !!! ... unlike the break). By telling her this as my last contact, I kind of expect her to think about the fact that I am trying to get my life back and that I will have fun anyway... What do you think of that strategy guys ? Of course, I would expect her to call me at some point to know what I am up to with my brother but at the time, she might not even call. I know this news will make her feel kinda bad and she will probably think she is definitely losing now. Ok guys, I hope you will be able to help me Link to post Share on other sites
pippen_2k Posted November 16, 2005 Share Posted November 16, 2005 ahhhhh the mind games we play! xcellent strategy.... lol umm im kidding... Link to post Share on other sites
omegaRED Posted November 16, 2005 Share Posted November 16, 2005 Gordon, i can see what you`re trying to do with that "I`m not gonna be here for a couple of days", but... You really should have done it IF it had something to do with the job, i.e. if she needs something from you in those two days, so just a little job-related info. Very, very neutral. If, however, you are saying that JUST to make her wonder and possibly intrigued, don`t. Yes you might achieve that effect. But if she`s smart, she`ll see right through your attempt. You`ll gain nothing. The point being that SHE has to decide she wants you. Without any outside (read: YOUR) influence. You might intrigue her, she might call and ask about you, yet not because she wants to... So just try to keep it as cool as possible, do not play games to get her back. If she left you once, until she is in the clear with her feelings, she`ll leave you again. So any chance this could work out demands that SHE finds out what she wants. Do not try to make her want you. She knows you, better than anyone else, and unless you f**ked up big time, you don`t have to do anything else. I don`t know... IMHO you should just keep it professional in the future. Be as vague about your life as possible if a convo can not avoided. Dude, you MAY be able to make her come back, but if she doesn`t decide for HERSELF that she wants to, it`s not gonna end any better than the first time. Link to post Share on other sites
cynicalnlove Posted November 16, 2005 Share Posted November 16, 2005 Gordon, i can see what you`re trying to do with that "I`m not gonna be here for a couple of days", but... You really should have done it IF it had something to do with the job, i.e. if she needs something from you in those two days, so just a little job-related info. Very, very neutral. I don`t know... IMHO you should just keep it professional in the future. Be as vague about your life as possible if a convo can not avoided. Dude, you MAY be able to make her come back, but if she doesn`t decide for HERSELF that she wants to, it`s not gonna end any better than the first time. I totally agree. She has nothing to do more with you. What you do now, doesn't concern her anymore. She has to realize that. By you openly volunteering the info, she'll know. Just say, I will not be here - all related work should be directed to XXX. thanks.. be professional - and act like a professional, because if you are; she'll start to wonder why you're being so, more mystery. Link to post Share on other sites
omegaRED Posted November 16, 2005 Share Posted November 16, 2005 Yep. No hints. No further info. Just be professional. Re-read every e-mail you send her. Keep it very, very professional. Do it mostly for yourself. What you did with this "strategy" is basically fool yourself into expecting some action/inquiry from her. And when she doesn`t act, you`ll be dissapointed and you`ll be back at the start. Drop it. I know it`s f**king hard NOT to do something just so SHE does something in return, it`s not healthy for you. Whenever you feel that urge to bring up the relationship/your life/what you do, slap yourself and show restraint. It will be hard to resist, but in the long run it`ll be much better for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gordon_gc Posted November 17, 2005 Author Share Posted November 17, 2005 Hi, just thought I would drop a few lines. First, to thank all your reply to this post. It makes my day easier to get advices from you guys and every suggestions is always good to take to learn more. I also take the time to clarify a few point regarding the situation with my exgf. We have been together for 13 months as bfriend-gfriend. In these last few months, she has got a crazy amount of stuffs to do at work and I proposed to help her with a few tasks so she could go through her days a bit easier. I never had any professional way of contact with her...just giving a favour. Anyway, I sent the things she needed. Other problems, I acted before actually waiting fro your replies and proceeded with the strategy posted a bit earlier. I also would like to clarify something regarding this. The purpose of giving her such elements was mostly to set up the scene for her as I planned to initiate and stick to NC. I just thought I would give her the last not concise elements of what my life would be from now on. Why ? Because imagination always makes things worst than they actually are for me and probably for her too. Anyway, this morning, she actually sent me a text message on my mobile trying to initiate contact and also asking how was my trip away...At this point, she might be thinking "He is bull***ting me, I gonna try to know more" or she actually wonder what I am doing. I believe I shoudnt reply to this...shouldnt I ? Thanks guys;) Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted November 17, 2005 Share Posted November 17, 2005 No reply is necessary. Stick with NC. Link to post Share on other sites
cynicalnlove Posted November 17, 2005 Share Posted November 17, 2005 yeah, - don't reply. My ex does this to me, and beleived me it killed me! Link to post Share on other sites
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