Am I wrong to be bothered by this?

[Audrey1]

I'm about to get engaged to a wonderful man. (a family member slipped up and told me a proposal is on the way) I'm thrilled. He's an amazing human being and we are great for each other. But there are a few things that are bugging me and I'm wondering if they bug me now, will they bug me forever?

 

We both come from families that are very close. Both sets of parents have been married for over 40 years. My family is tiny but my parents have become like my best friends and he is equally close to his family, however his family is MUCH larger.

 

His family does everything together. Lots of huge family trips and they also run a family business. So they see each other all the time, if not daily. I don't see my parents as often because I live two hours away but we talk daily.

 

Anyway, my gripe is that we can't seem to take a single vacation that doesn't involve his family or his parents. Planned family trips are one thing, but when we plan a vacation for just us, his parents always end up coming along too. The one that bugged me the most was our vegas trip last year that was a VALENTINE'S DAY trip and his parents came. Not so romantic anymore.

 

Now don't get me worng, I love them. They are great people, but I would like to take a trip with my man by ourselves!!! We go away for little weekends just the two of us, but any REAl vacation we take always turns into a family affair.

 

I think his parents and my bf are just so used to the whole family doing everything together they don't even think twice about it. It's like they find out where someone's going and then they go too. Simple as that. And we always have a nice time but it's not the same because you have to coordinate all this stuff when others are involved in a trip.

 

So we were thinking of doing a Vegas trip for New Years because the Bellagio sent us some promo thing for big gamblers(my honey loves gambling) and I said GREAT because my birthday is just a few days after that so let's make it a big trip and celebrate...so as we were talking about it my bf chimes in with I talked to my dad and he also got the invite so we'll all go...

 

My heart sank. Not again. We haven't been on a real vacation (just the two of us) in over 4 years!!!! And I sure as heck could use a romantic getaway and it would also be a nice birthday.

 

I've mentioned this before, delicately of course, and he always acts as if he would crush his parents' feelings by explaining that it's a romantic trip for the two of us. I don't want him to think I dislike his parents because that's not the case at all. But I've just never known anyone so eager to spend THAT MUCH time with family...without exception. It's a nice thing, I guess...but I feel like I can kiss the idea of any future romantic vacations goodbye.

 

Oh, and the idea of spending time apart in vegas? Would never happen. We'd all be together 24/7. It's kind of like an Everybody Loves Raymond situation. No kidding. The folks live 5 doors down from him, sister is a mile away, brother is also right around the corner.

[glittergurl]

Whow, you must have a lot of patience for having put up with it so far. I would hate it. My mother in law is very intrusive and imposes herself a lot, and I CANNOT stand it. I've made it pretty clear, and it's sort of a love-hate relationship. I talked it out with my husband and he understands and respects the fact that I want privacy once in a while.

 

I think you have to tell your guy that you REALLY want this trip to be super romantic and only for the two of you. Just tell him you don't mind going on trips with them, but that you'd really like to keep at least a trip or two/year private. This is not an unreasonable request at all, he should understand and make an effort.

[Judas Christian]

That much family involvement is, quite simply, unhealthy. If your husband feels guilt just at the idea of having a great vacation with only the two of you, something isn't right. Is this behavior limited to vacations only, or are his parents overinvolved in other aspects of your life together? Trust me, being married won't change it. The precedent needs to be set here and now that you two have a relationship that is COMPLETELY SEPARATE from his relationship with his family. While you certainly should be invited to and made welcome at family functions, you are not just an inclusion into the bigger fold. You are his partner and your relationship with him should involve only two people - no outsiders necessary. As backward as the christian bible can be about things, it does strongly suggest that when a man marries a woman, she becomes his first priority - he in effect leaves his family to be with her. It doesn't mean that you don't do things with the family at all, but for god sakes you've got to have your own relationship, holidays, everything! Do you or your husband seriously want every picture in your marital scrapbook to have his family in it? I wouldn't think so. You're right to feel the way you do, so don't be afraid to feel and express it. More importantly, EXPECT him to make changes. He owes it to you as his partner and future wife. You're not just an addition to the big happy family.

[Audrey1]

Sigh. I know. It's tough spot right?

 

The thing with the vegas thing is that these invites are sent out to "high rollers" and his dad is one too so they get the same invite and if one decides to go to vegas, then they all go. Then his brother comes. And is brother's girlfriend comes. So a trip for two gets turned into a trip for 6 in a matter of minutes.

 

So it's not as if we can say "Don't come to Vegas" because they received the same invite from the hotel as we did.

 

Maybe I just have to give up on Casinos. Casinos are a favorite thing in the family. Maybe I have to start suggesting skiing or camping trips...things they don't like to do. But that's still not fair. I LOVE casinos too. I love cards and we always have so much fun and usually every last little expense is comped so it's like a free vacation when we go and we can just induldge and let our hair down.

 

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr. There is now way of dealing with this without hurting my bf's feelings or making him think I don't like his parents. I really, really do...they are awesome but I see them more than I see my own family for F***s sake!!!

[Judas Christian]

You like his parents alot, that's clear. If it's clear to me, someone who doesn't know you, then it ought to be crystal clear to your BF. So, obviously, telling him you want to take vacations with only the two of you is nowhere near saying you don't like his parents. You have to convey that to him clearly, anyway. Tell him the same as you're telling us - you really like his parents but you want to go to casinos and other holiday plans with just the two of you, no one else. It's not about not liking his family or wanting to hurt his feelings, it's about wanting time, to which you are entitled, with him and him alone. Frankly, you should be asking why he doesn't want the same! I find the whole situation a bit creepy and I definitely think you have to put your foot down and tell him how you feel. You're not married to him right now, and that's probably a good thing, because trust me - if you can't fix this situation, it'll only be that much worse once you're married.