Roarz Posted November 16, 2005 Share Posted November 16, 2005 A big writeup of my story is available somewhere, but it's not really important to my questions. Short story is, dated for 2 years. I am a year older than her, so in my freshmen year I came back every weekend to see her. When she got to college, a month and a half in she dumps me, citing that "She 'just knows' it wouldn't work out in the end, she can't see us together forever, lost the spark, ect". Anyway, she dumped me and a week later started dating this guy (which didn't work out, he dumped her). It's been a month since the breakup (initially, I did all the wrong things, cried, begged to her, ect) and recently I have been steadily trying to practice a sort of no contact with her...the last thing we did in person together was that I went with her to some concert a week ago with a bunch of friends (tickets were free, haha, can't decide if that was worth the tradeoff of having to see her). I tried and succeeded very well at being friendly and acting like I was ok with what had happened. She even tapped me on the face in a playful way during one of the songs (don't worry, I didn't melt or anything, I kept my cool). It's been 2 weeks since then, and I've been trying not to talk, and if she initiates conversation online (which she always does, I refuse to), I will either talk to her briefly and always say I have to go first, or just not respond at all and pretend I'm not there. I always pass her going to my classes..same thing, I try to walk past her, and if she starts conversation, I talk briefly and say I gotta go first. She hasn't called me once in about a month, but always tries to talk online, and never tries to hang out with me. She usually only talks to see how my life is. The other day I told her that I'd gone on a double date with my friend, and she asked me how it was. I just said "I don't kiss and tell =)" (she is still my friend, I didn't want to hurt her feelings with unnecessary details) and got on another topic. She only talked about this topic for about 3 minutes before asking "So did you get any booty from that girl?". I finally said "Yeah, it was pretty great". After that she didn't msg me anymore that night and I just left it at that. Today she IM'ed me today just asking me how I was doing (I wasn't there to respond). Well, now that you're up to speed on how I've been handling this, what should I keep doing? I really really want her back, and I'm proud of myself for not caving in and keeping my distance, but these NC guides say if you want them back, you just call and ask if they want to hang out, and keep it light, show her the door is open, blah blah, all of that. But if I do that, won't I be undoing all of this forced distance which makes her (hopefully) miss me? When (if ever) is it ok to stop NC and be friends (if you want them back)? One last one...do you think she is starting to miss and want me back (her IM's are more frequent after me telling her I fooled around with that other girl), or just wanting to keep tabs on me or what? For all guys doing NC, if you ever start to breakdown and are about to contact them, this phrase from good old David DeAngelo always makes me laugh and keeps me strong: "If you find yourself thinking about her and wanting to hear her voice, BITCH-SLAP yourself. If you're feeling weak, have a friend do it." Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted November 16, 2005 Share Posted November 16, 2005 IMO, those NC "guides" are a sissy way of getting the job done. If you want to get your head clear and allow for someone to miss you (which is the ONLY WAY they will come back, they have to see what its like without you around) you need to enforce strict NC and dont fall for the crumbs they throw at you. Dont talk to her at ALL unless she is telling you she misses you, wants you back, is sorry, and cant live without you. If she IMs you, I'd suggest ignoring it...it may sound mean but you gotta do what's right for you right now. I think in your heart you know what to do, but those "guides" are messing up your gut instinct. Take it from me, you'll only confuse yourself further by reading those. Also, DO NOT settle for being friends. UInless you want to be friends, but its clear you dont want that. It will suck royally to see/hear her talk about the new fellas in her life. Imagine youre out having a drink and she runs into a friend there, and friend says "so how was that hot date you told me about?" Just think about how much youre going to hate yourself for allowing that. Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted November 16, 2005 Share Posted November 16, 2005 Roarz, J Dub is not only beautiful, she's as smart as a whip. Her advice is right on the money. Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted November 16, 2005 Share Posted November 16, 2005 Roarz, J Dub is not only beautiful, she's as smart as a whip. Her advice is right on the money. They need to make a smiley for "blushing" cuz that sure made me turn red Thanks, Slubberdegullion Link to post Share on other sites
Author Roarz Posted November 16, 2005 Author Share Posted November 16, 2005 She is pretty cute . Thanks for posting that, you kind of opened my eyes a lot. I realized the only reason I wanted to be her friend is because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I've been whipped by her for a long time (probably the main reason she left me, but was too afraid to tell me), but now I realize I gotta start living for myself instead of for girls. That's no way to keep someone interested in you. I guess this breakup is teaching me to be a man and think about my own needs, and not only of the girl's. From now on I'm not going to talk to her unless it's about getting back together. I don't care if she wants to be "just friends" because I don't want to. If it makes her mad or sad then too bad because I'm doing things for myself from now on, not for her. I'm not another one of her damn girlfriends, I'm a guy and I'm not gonna be subjected to stories about her latest date and how badly he's treating her, because I deserve better than that. And if she ever wants me back, she's going to have to work hard for it or get nothing. I'm a good person and I deserve to get what I want. /rant off Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted November 16, 2005 Share Posted November 16, 2005 I'm doing things for myself from now on, not for her. I'm not another one of her damn girlfriends, I'm a guy and I'm not gonna be subjected to stories about her latest date and how badly he's treating her, because I deserve better than that. And if she ever wants me back, she's going to have to work hard for it or get nothing. I'm a good person and I deserve to get what I want. Heres your own personal cheerleader: *\o/* Not very elaborate but it works. I'm glad to hear that youre going to better yourself, Roarz. It's a win/win situation because it'll show her youre not weak and you can move on (an attractive aspect) AND you'll feel better about yourself because youre demanding respect. It's the only way to go Link to post Share on other sites
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