"On a break" - what is your opinion...

[AriaIncognito]

Hello all. I'm a frequent lurker here but have posted few times. I am posting today because, well, I guess i need support, or I need to know I'm doing the right thing, or I need to be told I'm a moron, whichever you feel is best

 

A background: We were together 1 year and 6 days. We had just celebrated our 1 year anniversary. During this year, he'd been miserable at his job, always saying he wanted to get a different one, but never putting effort into getting a new one. i'd offer him help, email him job listings, etc, but nothing ever came of it. Fast forward to over a year, and he loses said job. He's in his mid 30s and lives at home, with his parents, and a niece who he claims to be a parent for, but when I talk to him about real life stuff regarding her, he says she's more someone to watch cartoons and play with. He's got serious issues with his parents, claiming they kept him from the world, sheltered him, etc. He's now quite bitter over that. (why he chooses to live with them despite that, i'll never know). He's a really really nice person. Treated me better than anyone I'd ever dated, but I couldn't help but feel that he was full of sh*t whenever he'd tell me he was going to do something, because over the course of the year, he'd tell me he was going to do X and then months later, even a year later, it was left undone. He just, I dont know, seems to be all talk, no action when it came to his own life and direction.

 

I'm 31. I've owned my own home since I was 26. I have a good career with good pay. If i tell you I'm going to do something, 99% of the time, I follow through. I am the type of person that if you have a problem, I try to help solve it.

 

Back in April, he and I broke up. He said that he was always disappointing me, and that he didnt' want to do that, so we broke up. 10 days later, we got back together, each of us agreeing to work on some things that were issues for us. For the most part, we both kept our end of the bargain on that through the end.

 

Anyway, I've had serious doubts as to whether or not he could be "the one" because he and I live so differently. He's financially irresponsible (doesn't save a dime, has no retirement plans, no home etc). I'm not rich, but I have money invested in stocks, I have a decent nest egg in an account for myself in case of emergency or if i want to buy a new home, etc. I think about the future, what I want, and how I'll get there. He lives for today, and pays no mind to the potential for a tomorrow.

 

Anyway, he lost his job due to "poor attendence". He was out sick a good deal, most of that time he was actually sick. He lost it on a Monday. I offered him help, he pretended to take it, but then did nothing with it. A few days later, I told him maybe we should take a break from eachother, so that he could focus on getting a job. This was two weeks ago. Last night, I called him, to see how he was doing (we had NC for 8 days). He said he was good, was doing things around the house, etc. When I asked about the job hunt, the whole reason he and i were on a break, he basically told me he's not bothered to look yet. He repeatedly called me sweety and baby and said I love you a few times. It's like he doesn't even realize why we are on a break, or care. It's like he thinks we are just not hanging out or talking to eachother but that in a few months, we'll be back to normal.

 

So, all that being said...I think I know what you all will say. Clearly, he and I aren't a match. I'd tend to agree. So, why do I feel the need to hold on? He was very very nice to me, and he was SO understanding of some HUGE issues I have (a few residual problems from a former relationship, the biggest being centered around sex) and I just feel like I'll never find someone who will be SO accepting of me and my ways, but I can't seem to accept him for his, so...why can't I just accept that we aren't compatible in the long run, and let it go???

 

I'm sorry this was so long. Thank you to those who stuck it out :-) I look forward to your advice in my situation.

 

Jennifer

[symbol]

Hi Jennifer.

 

You actually do know what you should be doing, but just don't wanna accept it. Perhaps because he's been living with his parents for so long, he just didn't bother to take the responsibility of his life. You seem to be a very mature and logical person, you are definitely taking care of yourself pretty well, I am sure you can find someone else who is a better match in so many ways and who can understand you and love you for all what you are.

 

I think it might be time to let go of this relationship and hope for the very best for the future.

 

I don't know if this was of any help at all but I actually do not think you need help to make the right decision. You know what is right and follow your brain, not your heart.

 

Best of luck.

[Nikita20]

Sounds like my situation, however, I was like your boyfriend to some degree. Before in the past, I had the successful job, I was responsible, however I got laid off. I ended up working for my sister, which was supposed to be temporary, however that job ended up dragging for 3 years. I tend to believe that my boyfriend ended up dumping me because I lacked motivation. I think I was depressed and the fear of where I wanted to go in my life was holding me back. However, when I was living with him, I always paid my share of the expenses:rent, food, etc. I cooked for him and even cleaned the studio numerous times. I wasn't a slacker in that respect.

 

Now that we are broken up, I'm trying to find a new job. I've been on several interviews. Almost all of the companies that have interviewed me want to hire me. I'm currently negotiating my salary with a current job propsect. I'm hoping that they will offer me what I was making before in the past, but I'm willing to take a little bit less, since we are still in a recession.

 

If you care to read my original thread, I would appreciate your input.

 

My advice to you is to communicate to him that you will only take him back once he takes responsibility with his life. You will need to give him some time and space because he needs to do this on his own. You can't be the enabler, so to speak. Having a relationship with someone can be a distraction. I felt sometimes that I was so focused on supporting my ex and his career, I neglected my responsiblities, needs and wants. Otherwise, during your break, if your ex still continues with his lackadaisical ways, don't bother being with him. In a relationship, both of you need to equally tow the line or at least have the capacity to do that. I hope this makes sense.

[AriaIncognito]

Nikita,

 

See, that's the thing. He's fine with being unmotivated. He says that he's seen adults/grownups and he's not impressed. He doesn't want to grow up, basically. Doesn't want to admit that there will come a time that he'll be old and unable to work. Doesn't want to admit that his niece will one day grow up, and not need him to play with. I was hoping, that by going on this break, he would get motivated by the fact that he didnt have me around. However clearly nothing motivates him and he's cool with that. Just as Symbol said, I know the decision I need to make. I just dont like it, my head and my heart are at serious battle, etc. I know I should look for someone who can be everything I desire. I know I shouldn't settle for someone who is content to make minimum wage in his mid 30s. I should find someone that can take care of himself. I dont know, I guess I just wanted to be "done" with the whole finding someone thing, you know? I finally found someone who is very nice, treats me as I want to be treated, is very understanding of my quirks and my needs, etc. It's just so hard to let go of someone that is good "dating" material but not good "marriage" material, especially when you are not 100% sure that marriage is in the cards for you, you know??

 

So confusing. Thank you both for your replies so far...I appreciate it. :-)

 

Jennifer

[Tiny]

Bloody hell i'm just like your soon to be ex bf, i'm now 42 and just at the end of my second (infidelity on her part) long term relationship, I've never been motivated to do anything in my whole life, i just go with the flow, all i've ever known I wanted in this life, is someone to love, and to return that love wholeheartedly, everything else has usually always come from my partners asperations, it's not a very good outlook to have on life, but if this is the way you're born how the hell can you change?

 

I've often wished i had this "inbuilt" motivation to be successful and independent, but it's just never been there, and i only feel truly content and happy within myself, when i'm in love, and that love is returned, then it seems this does create some motivation on my part just never seemingly enough for my partner. tbh this guy probably really loves you very deeply, but knows his ambitions and desires for material wealth and stability far underweigh yours and this frightens him.

 

Looking at it from my point of view, and very likely his, i'd say although you may be in love with him atm, but in a year or two, you'll become very tired of his lack of motivation (introverted tendencies, same as me) and become bored with him, so you'd probably be best off listening to your head and not your heart.

 

Although I work full time and have always put at least 50% financially into any relationship, the first one was 100% All i've really got to give to any women is 100% loyalty, companionship, and love .... oh yeah and plenty of sex

 

If these qualities are not enough, i'd say to you, keep looking and good luck.

[AriaIncognito]

Thanks Tiny. And wow, you have seemingly hit the nail on the head. He has said that very thing to me. That all he wants is to love someone and to be loved in returned. He views a relationship to be as simple as that. But honestly, are relationships really as simple as that? Do real life matter not really weigh in on a relationship? I think the thing that bothers me most about him is his relationship with his neice. He thinks he's giving her a life that he never had, but as an outsider looking in, I can see he's doing the very thing to her that he claims his parents did to him. He's not wanting her to grow up and grow out of him. He's not wanting her to become a woman someday and date. He's not wanting to lose his playmate. He's 36 years old and his version of television is spongebob squarepants or battlestar gallatica. He watches no other tv. Hate "reality tv" because he says he "gets enough reality in real life". I think he just really really has a strong aversion to facing his own reality.

 

Doe that make sense??

[Tiny]

Thanks Tiny. And wow, you have seemingly hit the nail on the head. He has said that very thing to me. That all he wants is to love someone and to be loved in returned. He views a relationship to be as simple as that. But honestly, are relationships really as simple as that? Do real life matter not really weigh in on a relationship? I think the thing that bothers me most about him is his relationship with his neice. He thinks he's giving her a life that he never had, but as an outsider looking in, I can see he's doing the very thing to her that he claims his parents did to him. He's not wanting her to grow up and grow out of him. He's not wanting her to become a woman someday and date. He's not wanting to lose his playmate. He's 36 years old and his version of television is spongebob squarepants or battlestar gallatica. He watches no other tv. Hate "reality tv" because he says he "gets enough reality in real life". I think he just really really has a strong aversion to facing his own reality.

 

Doe that make sense??

 

 

I hate to admit it, but your dead right, and probably much better off without him, looking at life through his eyes, i'd say any women is probably better off with out either of us the only reason i'm laughing is because of the irony of it all, no matter how much I love someone and want them to be happy with me, I know that in all probability, at the end of the day, the reality of life "will" kick in and they will become disillusioned and unhappy in the relationship, because of my introverted tendancies.

 

I can't say that i've ever had the desire to hold back the emotional development of either of my children or over protect them from "the world" as you seem to believe your bf is doing with his niece though, that does seem strange to me.

 

Although i know what i'm saying is true, (at least for me) it still doesn't stop me from forming relationships, because i have a lot of love to give, and need love in my life for it to be worth the effort, sad i know but true.

[Tiny]

That all he wants is to love someone and to be loved in returned. He views a relationship to be as simple as that. But honestly, are relationships really as simple as that? ??

 

 

As for my opinion on this, well the way i see things is that YES real life does matter and must be planned for to a certain extent. We all need somewhere nice to live and food to eat of course

 

BUT without real love, does any of the above really mean anything? to me the answer is, not really.

[AriaIncognito]

For a while, back in April when we initially broke up, I really thought he could have a case of Peter Pan Syndrome. The whole "i dont wanna be an adult, i dont wanna grow up, i've seen adults i'm not impressed" outlook is conveyed in that. However, I've never been able to really pinpoint if that's part of the problem or not. It seems to me that he's just really afraid of being dependent on himself for anything. That he fears failing, so he keeps himself immature, so to speak. Most women aren't going stay with a man that's 36 and lives with mommy and daddy too, let's face it. We want to feel like the man can protect us, care for us, even if we don't "need" it, say in my case. I want to feel that if something were to happen to me or my job or whatever, that my husband would be able to make ends meet while I found my new job or whatever. Things do happen. I was laid off in 10/03, only a month or so after having undergone surgery to remove a tumor from my uterus (fibroid, non-cancerous type, thankfully). Somehow, I survived on my own (was single then). Never missed a bill. Found myself my current job in a few months time.

 

I guess I just don't understand his non-want to be an adult. I don't understand why it brings such negative meaning, in his world. Why he's so afraid of it...

 

Jennifer

[Tiny]

I don't understand why it brings such negative meaning, in his world. Why he's so afraid of it...

 

Jennifer

 

I don't understand it either, but I certainly know how it feels, The last time I was on my own for about a year, I had to be totally independent (no other family or relatives) I kept going ok I suppose, I "existed" paid all my bills, kept going to the gym and forcing myself into society, pubs, clubs the usual, but I have to admit (I don't like admitting this btw) that most days I was absolutely scared ****less of "the world" I really had to force myself to "get out there" don't ask me why I can't answer that, it could be the "everybody needs somebody" syndrome and at the time i had no one (all say ahhh poor thing )

 

Anyway I do think your bf's position is slightly different from the one i was in, but he very likely has a very similar outlook on life as myself.

 

All i can tell you for certain is that when i did find love again, my self confidence and ego returned like crazy, and i almost enjoyed waking up in the morning again

[AriaIncognito]

Of course it did. It's a lot easier to wake up and face the world, in my opinion, when you know you've got someone that cares for you, loves you, is thinking of you. I think that's the hardest part of a breakup. Realizing you no longer have that.

 

Even though my ex or whatever he is and I didnt' get to spend much time together (1 day a week usually) i always knew he was there. We always texted. He always called to say goodnight, etc. It is just "nice" to know someone loves you in that way.

 

I just wish I didn't feel like I wanted that in my life right now...I need to be strong and break this off, because in the end, I know he and I aren't marriage material. We are just too different in how we approach life and its problems. Ugh. It's hard to convince your heart of what your mind already knows, and has known, for months.

 

Jennifer

[Tiny]

hmm heart or head huh, that's a tricky one

 

I guess it's got to be your head, because if you go with your heart, you'll ultimately wish you hadn't ..................... probably

 

I just hope you find someone to love you as much as your bf, that will also satisfy all the rest of your needs, I mean isn't that the ultimate relationship? the one were all looking for, but never find

 

Good luck anyway Jennifer and good luck to me too

[Nikita20]

Aria:

 

I think what you need to do is cut this off and walk away. Don't contact him at all. Let him contact you. See what he does on his part. And, when he does contact you, just communicate to him what your expectations in the relationship are. If he truly loves you, he will move mountains to try and get his life in order. Otherwise, if he doesn't make any improvements, then don't pursue the relationship. You need someone who is motivated and strong. As mentioned before, what if you lost your job and needed someone to support you? Currently, he wouldn't be able to do that, because he doesn't want to support himself. I just had a thought. Do you think that he is depressed? Perhaps he needs to see a counselor to figure out why he lacks ambition. Maybe he is afraid. Maybe he doesn't love himself or feel that he has any self-worth. Maybe he is just relying on your relationship to fill in these gaps, thus avoiding his responsibilities. I think that was my case with my ex. By the way, I'm talking to the counselor again on Friday to help sort out my issues.

 

When my ex cut it off with me it was a HUGE wake up call as far as taking care of my responsibilities. I'm making a lot of progress and it is even making me feel much better about myself.

 

I posted a reply to your response on my original thread, so if you could give me your input I would greatly appreciate it.

 

I hope that things work out for you!!

[AriaIncognito]

Thanks for your hopes, Nikita. I honestly do think he's depressed, but I'm not a doctor. It's just, the conversations I've had with him. Most of the time, he seems like he's just repressing/hiding his fears. He seems afraid of failing. Afraid of losing another thing that means a lot to him. Afraid of living in the adult world, only to fail. I mentioned to him that maybe he should seek therapy, as he has gone in the past to deal with an on again off again 7 year stint with some woman he dated. He said he was very angry with her and how she emotionally abused him. Maybe he's afraid I'd someday do the same thing. Time and time again he's told me that he loves me, wants nothing but the best for me, and that if it's not him, I will find some man who is worthy of having me. I'm flattered but of course it's hard to hear from your boyfriend that he wishes you happiness away from him.

 

So yeah, I think you are correct, that he could need therapy. Last time we spoke, I told him I'd talk to him next time he contacted ME. I made it clear. So, if he doesn't contact me, then he's not hearing from me. Somehow I've been pretty good with NC, unlike our breakup back in April. Maybe because I'm the one doing the break. Not that it feels much better..

 

Jennifer

[AriaIncognito]

Anybody else have any advice on my particular situation and "break"? Anyone ever have a break that worked out and ended up together for good?

 

Jennifer

[Treasa]

Ok, my thoughts are going to seem really disjointed here.

 

I'm a 30-year old woman. I watch Spongebob. I play video games. I asked for an interactive R2D2 for Christmas.

 

I also have a college degree (graduated with honors), a very decent paying job at a prestigious company (that I got after applying to only two companies when I graduated), no credit card debt whatsoever, a credit score of 750+, and a retirement fund.

 

My point is that you can't judge someone on his/her hobbies or interests. That being said, he doesn't seem like he's motivated to do anything. If he at least had a job, regardless of what he made, that would at least be something. Money isn't the end-all be-all of life. There are times when I'm tempted to quit my job and get a lower paying one just for the reduction of stress. I would have to live more simply, but that doesn't make me a bad person. I also don't think living at home with your parents is necessarily bad, as long as you contribute to the household equally.

 

I agree that he may be depressed. Maybe his parents are too easy on him.

 

You seem like you're the diametrical opposite of him. Take your break, don't contact him for a while, and see what he does.

[AriaIncognito]

Ok, I'll counter what you said, just to give you a frame of reference...

 

"I'm a 30-year old woman. I watch Spongebob. I play video games. I asked for an interactive R2D2 for Christmas." ------ I too play video games. I don't necessarily have a problem with a grown up watching cartoons, but when that's all you watch and refuse to watch everything else....I don't know.

 

"I also have a college degree (graduated with honors), a very decent paying job at a prestigious company (that I got after applying to only two companies when I graduated), no credit card debt whatsoever, a credit score of 750+, and a retirement fund." ------ He's got no college degree. Went for a few years then dropped out. His credit rating is like 520, so low he can't even have a cell phone that isn't prepaid. He was unable to get a loan for a car because it was too low, as well. He had to have his dad cosign a car loan at age 36. He doesn't have credit card debt, because no company will give him one. He doesn't have a retirement fund because he doesn't plan for anything beyond tomorrow.

 

"My point is that you can't judge someone on his/her hobbies or interests. That being said, he doesn't seem like he's motivated to do anything. If he at least had a job, regardless of what he made, that would at least be something. Money isn't the end-all be-all of life." ----- I agree with this. As long as you can afford to live as you want to live, then fine. he made like 35k at his old job, which in my neck of the woods here in New Jersey, isn't enough to pay much of anything. Typical rent in our area is 1000k a month.

 

"There are times when I'm tempted to quit my job and get a lower paying one just for the reduction of stress. I would have to live more simply, but that doesn't make me a bad person. I also don't think living at home with your parents is necessarily bad, as long as you contribute to the household equally." ------ I'm not saying that's it's totally bad, but he's not exactly contributing anything by living there, except for living for next to nothing, having his laundry done for him, food put in the frig for him, etc. He does babysit the kid a lot (his niece and his sisters 2 or 3 kids at times who lives next door).

 

So, yeah, I mean, I can get behind someone like you. Someone that is driven, has good credit, plans somewhat for the future, but thinks money isn't the be all end all. I don't find it to be the be all end all either. I just think it's good to plan for when you're old and can't take care of yourself by working.

 

Thanks for your reply and feel free to reply if any of this info clarifies things for you :-)

 

Jennifer

[lottie]

Wow, your situation has so many parallels to mine. I don't have any sense of if you'll be able to get back together. But here's what I see in your story about your boyfriend: he has embraced a self-identity of being "dependent" and refusing to grow up -- because it rewards him. As long as he can tell himself, "I'm just a loser who hates my job and lives at home" he has the perfect excuse not to make any effort to change, and to continue on benefitting (free rent, doesn't have to work hard, gets to just play with his neice instead of doing any of the real, hard work of parenting...) As long as he refuses to give up the rewards of his dysfunctional behavior, he won't change.

 

Can you change him? Probably not. It might be that a clean break would give him motivation to get his life back together. Sometimes we get stuck in a situation, and one change makes everything else change too -- even if the first change is unrelated to the other things.

 

I think you have it in you to have a happy, contented life as a single person. You're not helping him by staying involved, and you're not getting what you deserve -- a full partner for yourself, an adult you can count on.

 

Good luck.

[AriaIncognito]

Lottie -

 

Yeah, I'm sure you're right, that I "have it in me" to have a happy life as single. I'm just, well, in that "need to have an other half" mentality right now. I could kick myself too, because 1 year ago when he was courting me, trying so hard to get to go out, I was really fighting it, because I was finally in a place, after 3 years of being alone and single, in a place where I was content pretty much with how my life was. I was OK with not having a date on saturday nights. Now, I got involved with him, and got used to the companionship and don't want to give it up. It's ridiculous, really. I suppose at this point, it's more "the idea" of him than it is actually him, as we all know that he and I have some serious differences.

 

My brain is going to explode from all this. Just sigh.

 

Jennifer

[Mary3]

Ambitious vs. lazy

 

You wont be able to change him.

 

He has learned behaviors from his childhood of what a worthless human being he is ( as noted by his parental issues ) .....and he has lived up to that and does not believe or have hope or expectations, or a future , or a retirement and he will NOT be like you. Ever.

 

He is playing with little kids and he is 36 years old ? He could have ANOTHER far worse problem....

 

He likes Spongebob and Mommy paying the bills.

 

Its not * him * you want. Its something in him that he represents.

 

Get a puppy.

 

Lose this one.

 

No matter how much therapy he gets he is not going to change by LEAPS and bounds.

 

Small baby steps.

 

Get an Adult.

 

Okay ?

[PEShamhart]

I am sorry to hear that there are many more men out there like me. I wish I could talk to him and show him what the road he is on ends in. Its dark, cold, and lonely. Only a fool would not grow up for the one he loves. What is it about us men that makes us need to feel "free" to do whatever we want at the expense of everything else around us. Jennifer, I hope that he wakes up before he loses all hope of ever getting you back. Once he realizes its too late and it sets in how easy it could have been to make it work, he will feel a pain deep in his soul that can not be imagined. I hope all men realize what they have before the chance to save it is gone. Love hurts enough when you lose it. But its torture when you lose it because you made stupid mistakes and never tried to correct them. If even one person learns from my loss, then maybe there is hope for even the likes of me.

Paul

[AmberAriesMom]

Ambitious vs. lazy

 

You wont be able to change him.

 

He has learned behaviors from his childhood of what a worthless human being he is ( as noted by his parental issues ) .....and he has lived up to that and does not believe or have hope or expectations, or a future , or a retirement and he will NOT be like you. Ever.

 

He is playing with little kids and he is 36 years old ? He could have ANOTHER far worse problem....

 

He likes Spongebob and Mommy paying the bills.

 

Its not * him * you want. Its something in him that he represents.

 

Get a puppy.

 

Lose this one.

 

No matter how much therapy he gets he is not going to change by LEAPS and bounds.

 

Small baby steps.

 

Get an Adult.

 

Okay ?

 

I agree with Mary.

 

Jennifer, you sould like a nurturing women who may be confusing love of a man with mothering a child. Save it for nurturing children and pets. This man is never going to change imo, but if there's a snowball's chance in H*ll that he might he will never feel the need to try as long as he is getting what he wants, that being your attention. Make a clean break and don't call to check up on him. I'm sure his mommy will make sure he's just fine.

 

Also, think about this....he is willing, or at least saying, that he can let you go if you think he's not for you. Any guy who says that needs to be let go. Period. Because what he's saying is you're not his type if you want him to change. And somehow I'd bet this makes you feel like you're not such a good person if you are so hard on him to think he should change and can't accept him unconditionally. This is a very subtle sort of guilt trip these guys put on people who cater to them to get them to keep doing it.

 

Get out before you invest any more time and emotionaly energy in this man. I know it's going to be hard on you to do this because you'd be leaving him at a time when you don't feel any anger toward him. Maybe you might check your own past and see if it always took anger to make you take a stand in your decisions. I think you might be feeling disgusted as you should. What other sorts of things in life do you feel disgusted over that you put up with to the lengths you are putting up with this man?

 

I say, find yourself first or at least again find the person you were before getting involved with this man. And if that person you find can't see having this dependent life with him for the rest of your life, then just leave. You don't have to find an excuse or a reason you can put your finger on. He's going to balk at any reason you might find because he's doing what he wants to do and has to justify that it is correct so he won't feel like a loser for continuing to do so, or he'll do what he did and say ok fine with me if you want to break up.

 

Finally, you mention he puts up with your quirks etc. I fear you might be thinking too little of yourself. Everyone has quirks etc. Don't look for someone who puts up with you. Look for someone who adds to your life, brings energy to the relationship and who brings something to the table other than their warm bodies.

[AriaIncognito]

Wow, so much has been said that just hits home...

 

Mary3 - I've got a cat hehe. I agree with you, that he'll never change. I know that I also shouldn't be with someone that I think needs to change. We are supposed to love people for who they are, and all...

 

PEShamhart - I'm glad that you've seemingly found the error of your ways, and I wish you the very best in finding someone who will accept the new you. I just really hope you made your changes for yourself. I too wish you could talk sense into my man, but unfortunately people only change when/if they see the problem and they feel the need to change.

 

AmberAriesMom - I need to quote you first because you absolutely hit the nail on the head with this one ".... And somehow I'd bet this makes you feel like you're not such a good person if you are so hard on him to think he should change and can't accept him unconditionally. This is a very subtle sort of guilt trip these guys put on people who cater to them to get them to keep doing it...." That is SOOOOO him. Whenever we got into a fight about something that he's not willing to budge on, he said "this is me baby, take it or leave it." or "don't try to change me, I am who I am, and I am happy with who I am". Things of that nature. As far as my saying he puts up with my quirks...I will admit, my self esteem when it comes to how I look are pretty low (even though I've been told time and again that i'm attractive) however my self esteem as far as who I am is pretty decent. I know I'm successful and mostly a good catch. My "quirks" that I was referring to, are actually a pretty big deal, to me, as they are sex related. Most men want "lady on the street but a freak in the bed" as the song goes. I've had issues with my drive in general, and I find it hard to find men that will be happy to only "get it" once in a while if you know what I mean. I also dont engage in another popular for of sex, which also erases like 1/2 the population, so when I said he put up with me, it was those things I really meant. The other stuff, well it can be worked around. Like the fact that i need to sleep witha fan on, or the fact that I'm a picky eater. But there's no getting around my not wanting to "go to town" down there so to speak lol. An ex and I broke up over that very thing, and I guess it's made me feel like I'll never find anyone that will accept me in that arena. (this man is my only other bf after the ex that I was with for 4 years but didnt match sexually/compatibly) These two mentioned are also the only 2 i've "slept with" as I held onto my virginity until my early 20s. So I've not much basis for comparision. My mind jus assumes that if one man was like that, they all were. Which I know, is wrong. But that's irrationality for ya...

 

Any thoughts on that? Men? Could you accept a woman who wouldn't do everything sexually that you craved?

 

Jennifer

[Tiny]

Any thoughts on that? Men? Could you accept a woman who wouldn't do everything sexually that you craved?

 

Jennifer

 

 

Er ...... After you'd experienced my unfailing sexual athleticsm baby, you'd be only to willing too

[AriaIncognito]

Tiny,

 

While I realize you were joking, a lot of men have that attitude for real (regarding my adjusting and wanting to do oral). And well, I'm not changing...at least not on the oral thing. i'd be more than happy to have a higher sex drive though lol.

 

jennifer