"On a break" - what is your opinion...

[lottie]

Jennifer - I think an earlier poster hit the nail on the head when she said "you sound like a nurturing women who may be confusing love of a man with mothering a child." There are two sides to this coin: you feel like because he's suffering and lost, you need to take care of him; then he feels like you're trying to force him to change and manipulating him through your love, and he rebels. I think the key is that you need to find someone who you can nurture and care for -- who nurtures and cares for you, too. We're all weak; but the key to an adult relationship is two people who support each other.

 

As for the sexual stuff, it sounds like you have some things to think about. Nobody of course should force you to do something you don't want to do; and the idea of somebody breaking up with you because you don't do oral sex is reprehensible and makes me think you're better off without him. HOWEVER, there's another side to this: sex is about two people and their mutual, idiosyncratic desires (their "quirks," as you put it.) You've got to give up your own preconceptions about what sex is and the lines you've drawn around what you do and don't do, and make it into a truly sharing, reciprocal act. It sounds like to me that you just haven't found a generous, kind man yet who will let you explore your sexuality without pressure. When you do find this kind of man, you'll be surprised -- you'll want to do things to please him and expand your horizons, because he'll please you too. It seems like you are convinced that you are a certain "way" sexually -- but sex is such a wild, unpredictable, and emotional thing that you never know the ways you'll grow and change. Just start thinking of yourself as a sexual person; do away with the preconceived limits.

 

Be brave!

 

PS Sorry for the lecturing tone of this post! Something about the internet brings out the professor in me...

[lottie]

I wanted to add a little more on the subject of sex drives. I think it's undeniable that men want more sex than women do -- but we get all these media images of super freak women, and we feel inadequate that we're not ready to go all the time. (Also, the pill really reduces sex drive, don't know if that might be a factor for you.) For me, I discovered in my last relationship (which, for all its insanity, was wonderful sexually) that I love having sex just once or maybe twice a week. Even just every other week, sometimes. That way, I'm fully into it when it happens. It's not that I'm not a highly sexual person -- it's just most satisfying to me to wait at least 5-6 days. That's my sex drive, and it's good. There's nothing wrong if your man wants it more than you -- maybe you figure out ways to be intimate in between, which can also be a lot of fun. (I'm not talking only about oral sex here.)

 

So what I'm saying is -- stop feeling like your sex drive is "broken"! You're perfectly OK.

[Tiny]

Joking who's joking?

 

Damn my secrets out

 

 

on a more serious note, any more news on the relationship?

 

Hope your doing ok

 

Tiny

[AriaIncognito]

Given the fact that I could go months and be fine, I think there is something "wrong" with my drive, so to speak. When I say months, I mean with a man, or self pleasure. I just dont necesssarily feel the need. This is why I think I could have a low drive to begin with. Add the stress of life onto it, and well I'm sure it doesn't help much.

 

What you said in your post about my changing or wanting to do it....this is not something I want to change on. Just as he shouldn't have to change and be a grown up, I shouldn't have to change sexually (and trust me, he doesn't want to me change sexually. it was my ex prior to my current one that did...not my current "break" or "ex" or whatever he is. I dont want the 2 confused. My current ex or whatever has been WONDERFUL about my issues when it comes to that. Said he'd want to be with me even if i never wanted to do it again.) It is because of that that i really wanted things to work out. But, I dont see that I'll ever be able to accept his not wanting to grow up, or accept his strange relationship with his family, esp his niece.

 

Men suck.

 

 

For Tiny - I'm doing OK i suppose. I could be sitting here crying over here. I'm sad, but I know in my mind that eventually, I'll be OK. Just gotta let my heart catch up to what my mind has known for months.

 

Jennifer

[Tiny]

Men suck.

 

Jennifer

 

I don't mind sucking but I expect one in return er...... sorry

 

Another one of my failings as one of my friends says, is that me and him always say what we should only think.

 

Ah just shoot me

[AriaIncognito]

I should have known better than to leave myself open on that one....

 

So Tiny, are you saying you'd not date someone who didn't feel comfortable doing that for you? Just curious...

 

Also, your name is Tiny...why is that

 

Jennifer

[Tiny]

I should have known better than to leave myself open on that one....

 

So Tiny, are you saying you'd not date someone who didn't feel comfortable doing that for you? Just curious...

 

Also, your name is Tiny...why is that

 

Jennifer

 

 

Well in both of my LTR's i've been in, both partners never had a problem giving me oral sex, and semed to enjoy it immensely, at least from where I was looking anyway I think a lot of the pleasure they derived from it was/is from the feeling of control/power they get over me, as I beg for more and both always took it to completion if you know what I mean

 

As for dating a women who didn't feel comfortable with it, lets just say I wouldn't "push" it lol .. sorry ... no tbh of course i'd respect her wishes and if she felt that strongly repulsed by it, well i'd just dump her in a second

 

Come on, if dating is about finding love, which is what I always look for, then sex always takes second place imo lets put it this way it's a lot easier living without sex, than it is living without love, but if you can have both you've hit the jackpot, i'd just hope that it would be another interesting side of sex for us to explore and enjoy together, personally either way, man on women, or women on man I mean why not I find it a great turn on both ways round.

 

Also, your name is Tiny...why is that

Hmm Tiny ... well I guess you could apply the term to a certain part of my anatomy, although i'd like to ask you if it felt Tiny when it was in a certain part of your anatomy, tbh I took this nickname long ago, when I needed an online name for gaming and stole it from a certain author named Sven Hassel, who's books I used to like reading ie "Tiny Cruetzfeldt."

 

Nice to see your still smiling a bit Jen

 

ps: My God that's a lot of smilies

[AriaIncognito]

With all those smilies you've let me down, I was hoping to see each one used properly in a sentence LOL.

 

I'm hanging in. Been cleaning the house some of the day. Trying to not want to contact him. Keeping pseudo busy. I gotta eat something soon though, it's almost 630pm and i've yet to have a meal...

 

Jennifer

[Becky9]

Anybody else have any advice on my particular situation and "break"? Anyone ever have a break that worked out and ended up together for good?

 

Jennifer

 

My last relationship lasted two years (of which we were living together from day 1) and he was significantly older than me, but I was the one with the financial stability, etc. He's still a bartender with many aspirations that he never fulfilled - that's the thing about him, he starts but never finishes.

He's brilliant, sweet, attractive, doting, everything a woman needs. BUT...

There was a but... yes, I admit, there was a but..

He couldn't come to my level emotionally and mentally, and I was always feeling that I was sacrificing in order to make something irrepairable work. So we ended up breaking up (I initiated it). And at first it was tense (we lived together). But after a while, we adjusted to it and soon enough we were leading our separate lives -- the beauty of it all is that to this day (a year or more since we broke up), we're really good friends and remain in touch.

So I lost a boyfriend. But I gained a friend for life. It is possible.

[lottie]

Jennifer - Sorry, I guess I was projecting my own self & situation onto yours -- all to easy to do right now when I'm so wrapped up in my own drama. But, I still think that you shouldn't be so rigid about your sexuality when you've only had two lovers. You never know what might happen! Sexual chemistry is something that happens between two people, so it's not a stable thing that will be the same for you for your whole life.

[Mary3]

Despite all beliefs sexual compatibility is a MUST ! You can let it sit on the shelf but eventually it calls you to address it.

 

If you have a low drive you can remedy that by being with the RIGHT partner who takes you to the moon. Alot.

 

If you are willing to experiment sexually with a man and open up your mind then I think he is more willing to see you as an open minded sexual partner.

[Kengne]

 

I also dont engage in another popular for of sex, which also erases like 1/2 the population, so when I said he put up with me, it was those things I really meant. The other stuff, well it can be worked around. Like the fact that i need to sleep witha fan on, or the fact that I'm a picky eater. But there's no getting around my not wanting to "go to town" down there so to speak lol. An ex and I broke up over that very thing, and I guess it's made me feel like I'll never find anyone that will accept me in that arena. (this man is my only other bf after the ex that I was with for 4 years but didnt match sexually/compatibly) These two mentioned are also the only 2 i've "slept with" as I held onto my virginity until my early 20s. So I've not much basis for comparision. My mind jus assumes that if one man was like that, they all were. Which I know, is wrong. But that's irrationality for ya...

 

Any thoughts on that? Men? Could you accept a woman who wouldn't do everything sexually that you craved?

 

Jennifer

 

Hey Jennifer!

 

1st of all.... let me say that YOU... are who I was say, 8-10 mths ago. In that I could not/ would not perform oral sex (though I rec'd). This post struck a chord w me and I just HAD to respond.

 

Now I know you said that was an aspect of your sexuality you are not seeking to change... and I can respect that... as I felt the same at one pt. I did not EVER see myself performing oral!

 

BUT AS OTHERS HAVE SAID - sex is a wildly unpredictable thing. I met someone after my bf of 4 yrs cheated on me - and that person opened the floodgates to a sexuality that I felt was suppressed. I too - tht I'd had a low sex drive bcuz why didn't I enjoy sex w my ex bf of 4 years? why did i always make up excuses to get out of it? I tht I was a freak - in a bad way. That I was 'less than whole'. Add this with the fact that my ex-bf cheated bcuz sexually - he wasn't 'satisfied enough' and my self-esteem in that dept was shot.

 

And then I met another guy - who OUT OF NOWHERE just brought out this sexual being in me that I DIDNT THINK EXISTED! I wasn't 'trying' to change. I wasn't trying to go with the flow. I just opened to him sexually bcuz for the first time in my life - I WANTED to please him, as he pleased me. I never felt like that EVER before.

 

The reason I'm saying this is bcuz I dont want you to think you're abnormal or wrong re: your sexuality. You have a right to feel how you felt, just as I did. My only thing is this: are you even OPEN to the possibility that you may ONE DAY feel different? I'm not saying that you have to or should change - but are you even OPEN to the IDEA of a change happening NATURALLY from within you, like it happened for me?

 

But honestly .... you asked if a man would be satisfied if you didn't do everything (or as much as possible IMO) to please him... and my firm belief is NO. That man could love you TO DEATH... but sexual satisfaction is often times removed from emotional satisfaction from men... truss me on it... my ex-bf that cheated told me time & time he LOVED me to DEATH.... He was VERY understanding of my desire NOT to perform oral... he NEVER pushed me in that direction (not in 4 years!!)... in FACT he always made it seem like it was no big deal and even told me he HATED ORAL SEX! (and I was the dummy that believed him:rolleyes: ).... and that he loved me JUST THE SAME... EVEN if I didn't do SO and SO.... and I'm sure he did!... but that DID NOT STOP him from going out there and receiving INTERCOURSE AND ORAL SEX from over 20 diff ppl... bcuz his sexual needs just WERE NOT being met at home... even though he LOVED me to DEATH, and never pressured me to meet his sexual needs. In fact he told me AFTER that he never pressed me to go down bcuz he knew that I 'just didn't do that'.

 

So yeah... sad to say, a man could love you like cooked food even if his sexual needs arent being met... and at the same time he could be meeting them outside, ELSEwhere...

bcuz as well all know men are able to separate love from sex.

 

Just my 2 cents.

 

K.

 

PS> OMG I CANNOT FALL ASLEEP WITHOUT A FAN ON TOO!! THIS IS SO STRANGE!!

[AriaIncognito]

I appreciate your opinion on this Kengne, however I have to disagree with it to some extent based on my current ex. He has proven to me time and again that sex isn't his number one priority. He didn't cheat on me. He certainly has a sex drive, but he didn't push me to do things I wasn't comfortable with, and told me that any man that would make me do things I didn't want to, wasn't worth being with and I tend to agree. Why would I want to be with someone that wanted me to do something that literally makes me cry? I would like to think that someday, I'll find a man that I'll want to do these things for, but honestly, I'm so against oral that i really dont think that will ever happen, unless I were to be hypnotized or brainwashed or something into thinking I liked it. My 1st partner, basically made me feel like utter crap because I wouldn't do it (I did it for him many times, hated it each time and hated myself for giving in on something I found nasty). I'd love to have more of a drive in general. Just wanting to do it on a regular basis, when I am with someone, would be really nice and a huge burden off my mind. I spend so much time being worried about being "in the mood" that I'm hardly ever in the mood. Sometimes, I think I should just stay single, because I hate the sexual aspect of life. All it is is a bunch of stress, for me. I wish I could be like other women and want it all the time and be all sexy and whatnot. I just can't.

 

And this is why I should just get 29 more cats and be done with it.

 

Sigh.

 

Jennifer

[Mary3]

Jennifer : what is so bad about having a penis in your mouth ? Seriously ??

 

Most men if not all men want you to engage in oral sex.

 

Sex is all mental .

 

Its about desiring and pleasing your partner and he in turn will please you back sexually.

 

If you feel anything negative towards him , he will suffer in the sex department and so will you.

[Nikita20]

Sex is like a dance. There are some that you have a groove with naturally. There are some where it is awkward and clumsy. It is all a matter of who you feel comfortable with. Like dancing, I think we all have the capacity to be good sex partners--practice, practice, practice. Hee!! Hee!! And this stems on chemistry and most importantly communication.

 

Relax, don't worry about your low sex drive. You just haven't found one who has rocked your world yet!! And, when you do, you will be amazed by the things that you will do in return.

[Mary3]

Absolutely Nikita ! It is a Dance and there MUST be chemistry and communication.

 

Could not have said it better....

[AriaIncognito]

mary3,

 

What is so bad about it? Well, think of something you hate. What's so bad about that thing? WHy can't you just get over it? Etc. It's the same principle, applied to this one act. Why don't you like broccoli? Because it tastes bad! Well then, don't eat it. Same thing applies here. I dont like 1.) to suck on something that is urinated from and 2.) dont like the taste of pre-ejac or semen. It's disgusting to me. Being told to get over it or deal with it or learn to like it is like telling someone who is fat to just get over it and stop eating or tell someone who's anorexic to get over it and start eating. It's not so cut and dry as to be all "you have to like it cuz men want it" because you know what, if a man can't accept me for who am I, then why would I want him in my life?

 

yes, a lot of it is mental. I also have a severe aversions to bad tastes, and eat minimal varieties of food. This does not make me a bad person, nor does this mean I should force myself to eat chicken lips just because i'm told some people like to eat them. I should be allowed to be who am I and still be worthy of a man's unconditional love, don't you think??? If not, then f*ck it, I'm getting more cats, because I'm not going to be someone I despise....

 

Jennifer

[Tiny]

Get more cats Jen, I'm starting to think your going to be doing him a favour by dumping him

 

Now back to the original flavour of the thread please

[AriaIncognito]

Yes that's it. I've done him a favor. Think as you wish, however I'm not the one living at home with mommy and daddy at 36 (soon 37) and getting my laundry done by mommy and whatnot. Somehow, I don't think my leaving him is a better deal for him...despite blowjobs. I think we can all be a little more mature regarding the topic. I highly doubt people would tell you that you had to change for your partner in other scenarios, so i don't see why all of a sudden, there's an addendum when it involves something sexual. Call me crazy, but my ex loved me as I am, no blow jobs and all, and I'll find someone who will again.

 

Now, in the vain of this thread, one thing I have to admit is I have not felt for anyone, the need to please them totally, or felt so overcome by them that I wanted to push my morals aside to do so. Maybe that will happen with the right person, but I'm not banking on it.

 

Jennifer

[Tiny]

All I "was" saying is lets keep it on topic, love, longing, living, and coping, and not get sexual, my point exactly As for cats I got dem too, and no mommy n daddy wish i had sometimes though. Arghh washing n ironing NOOOoooooooooo

[AriaIncognito]

Sorry you've got no mommy and daddy I've got a mom, and a stepdad (have had 2 of those so no real dad here lol) Cats are good. :-) If you were here in the US, i'd do your laundry for ya! hehe.

[Mary3]

You should do whatever makes you feel comfortable. If you have an aversion to seminal flavor then by all means dont perform fellatio.

 

I think you should do what is right for you. I was just saying that men love oral. But good luck to you .

[Tiny]

Hey Jen any news ?

 

Hope all is well as can be.

 

BTW my washings building up

[AriaIncognito]

Aww thanks for checkin in with me tiny...my wash is pilin up too LOL. Well...here's the latest....

 

I was going strong on my NC. I had talked to him on 11/14 on the phone and i said next time i talked to him would be when i heard from him. Technically I guess since we aren't broken up yet, i can't really call it NC, but close enough. Anyway...at the end of that conversation he interjected many i love yous and honeys and sweeties, and he said he'd be certain to keep better contact (as it had been 8 days of NC til i called his a$$ on the 14th). He didn't contact me til 11/23, the day before Thanksgiving. I was totally not expecting it. I was going on with life and feeling pretty decent, then boom, he mails. He says things to the effect of "I've really gotten myself into a big ol funk" and "Just so you know, I'm not seeing anyone else. Don't get me wrong, the women are lining up at my door. After all it's not often you find a 36 year old man, unemployed and living with his parents". That's pretty much verbatim of what he said. I decided to leave the email unresponsed to, until the end of the weekend. I replied on Sunday night, and told him how my holiday was vaguely and said I hope you get out of your funk soon, if you choose the funk over life, you are going to miss out on a lot, you already are missing out on a lot.

 

I've not heard anything in response. Not sure he checked his mail yet or whatever. Either way, I'm pretty sure I know what I need to do. I just need to get the courage and strength built up to do it.

 

So, there's your update hehe. I wish I had happier things to report, but sadly, I don't.

 

Thanks for caring about me though :-) It means a lot to know people are thinking of me.

 

Jennifer

[Tiny]

Oh not so good then, he certainly does seem rather a strange guy, no disrespect intended, I mean when you love someone, at least when I do anyway, I'll try a whole lot damned harder than he seems to I mean him going for so long with NC, just says to me he's indifferent and not worth the effort, as you originally said.

 

Anyway i'm glad your not too down on it all, and I hope Mr Right is waiting just around the corner for you

 

Good luck, and take it easy.

 

Tiny