"On a break" - what is your opinion...

[J dub]

ok...woah...back up the truck for a minute.

 

Brief background tidbit: my parents got divorced when I was young and I was raised by my father.

 

With that said:

 

> it is highly abnormal for them to be involved to such a degree that he does not want her to turn into a young teen and get involved with boys.

 

No, it isnt at all abnormal, in fact its EXTEMELY common that the man who plays the "main man" role in a young girl's life won't want her to grow up and date...I mean c'mon they ARE men, they know what men think and do. It perhaps has nothing at all to do with them being selfish and wanting them all to themselves.

 

>Their unatural attraction to eachother is stifling them both.

 

Where did this statement come from? With all due respect, it appears youre drawing conclusions from limited info.

 

>For her to pick him as some high mentor and put him in some high esteem is strange in that , they are not supposed to be so consumed with eachother in that realm.

 

What? Shes not supposed to look up to him????

 

>Can't you see this is not RIGHT

 

I cant, in fact I see nothing that should be cause for alarm. The girl see's him as someone to look up to, he seems like he takes pride in being someone's mentor and maybe it gives him a sense of responsibility especially in the case that hes not working right now.

 

I dont doubt that theres a POSSIBILITY of something more going on here, but based off the assumptions you've layed out, I cant possibly imagine where you are drawing conclusion when you seemingly know only crumbs of their relationship, and even then this is info you are getting from a third party.

 

For the OP:

 

I think this man sounds like he is lazy BUT I have also been recently laid off and it took me a little while to get back into the game of sending out my resumes and applying for a job. Losing your job is kinda like losing a loved one because it rips the rug out from underneath you, leaving you on a blank slate. The unknown is scarey, esp when youve (literally) been rejected by your previous company.

 

The fact that he pushed you away is the part that I think its abnormal, however this again perhaps could be a coping mechanism of not wanting to put pressure on you or to allow you to see him in a bad state. I dont know, but if anything else, the best thing to do is give a man his space and time when he requests it. It's definitely a good time to get to know yourself a little better, and perhaps reassess whether or not this is the man you want to be with.

 

As far as the pedophile theory goes tho, I just can't see that. I'm sorry, but I dont.

[Mary3]

Well the OP has said she does not feel anything like that is going on and since she is *there* I will not go in that direction again. My only last suggestion is that she do a little research if things continue to look strange and remember back to any advice here ...

[AriaIncognito]

J-Dub, thanks for your comments. I agree with you for the most part. (regarding the relationship with his neice). However, i have always felt that he was a little too attached to her in the sense that he didnt' want her to grow up because he himself didn't want to grow up and accept responsibility of being an adult in and adult world. He's stated on several occasions that he's "seen grown ups and he's not impressed" and stated that he didn't want to "grow up". I just wish the relationship seemed less codependent in that respect.

 

As for our status now...still no contact. I'm doing well with it. I did hear from him for Christmas, but not New years. He's not looking for a job still, it seems. He's withdrawaling the little bit of money he saved in an account we opened for him. He's telling people he was downsized, when in actuality, he was fired. (I've got some mutual friends that reported that to me). He's apparently not really taking very good care of himself, appearance wise. He was said to look like he wasn't keeping up with his hair/beard/clothes.

 

Do I think he and I have a future? No. I don't. We were just too different. I have high aspirations for myself, he has none for himself. He just seems to live to get by.

 

As far as a lay off taking a toll. I was laid off in Oct of 2003, so I know what it's like. However, I was interviewing for my next job even before my layoff became official (i knew it was coming for about 8 weeks). I had to pay my bills, they weren't going to pay themselves. I was on unemployment, thankfully, for only 8 weeks and started my new job in 12/2003. He hated the job he was let go from. He had interviewed at one place but didn't get in (while he was at his old job, at my urging). He'd been saying he wanted to just take some other job, anything, anywhere. Seems to me that would be easy to do, if that's what he wanted to do. Just seems to me that he doesn't have much love or respect for himself anymore. I hope he climbs outta his hole, but it doesn't appear that it will happen in the near future, unfortunately for him.

 

I'm worried for when we run into eachother for the first time. I mean, while I know he and I weren't meant to be forever, it still hurts. I still wish we could have been more compatible. I just know that we weren't.

 

Jennifer

[Mary3]

Sorry to hear Jennifer . I know you had alot of hopes and dreams and now you are starting over...

Hopefully someone more similar to you will come into your life and you can share that good news with us Love Shackers

[Ssheena]

I've been reading this thread and it's so me and my semi-boyfriend.

 

Me: Divorced with two teenagers, went back to school, learned computers, gotten jobs and increasingly improved my situation, ambitious, driven, goal orientated etc.

 

Him: 34 (almost 35), living in a termite infested house with 3 other roommates (all of whom are younger than him by at least 10 years), video game tester - contractor. No benefits. No transportation (his motorcycle broke and he doesn't have the $$ to fix it). I've been going out with him since August after renewing our friendship afte 5 years. When I met him I did not see this side of him. Now I do. He doesn't know how to take care of himself, he doesn't seem to have any drive (he's not looking for a "real" job), he thinks that he is going to get every job he does get an interview for, I don't know, he's just kind of a loser. The last time I went to see him (on my dime of course) I went to Whole Foods and bought some stuff - salmon, fruit, salad, cheese, crackers etc and when he saw it he said, "the next time you go grocery shopping take me with you so I can learn how to buy stuff". He had never used his toaster oven. He is inhibited (example, he didn't drop his towel to put his shorts on, he pulled the shorts on with the towel around him and he was facing away from me) he's never done oral sex on me or any female. (Jeez, I'm reading this and going, what the hell am I doing with him!!)

 

The good side is: he absolutely adores me, cares about me, asks me how I'm doing, is willing to talk to me about anything etc.

 

He says I should be patient with him. All I see/hear is stuff he is going to do and I don't see any effort being extended. He says oh I'm going to go back to school and work parttime. I say, have you looked into it. He says no. I say your resume should have this strengthened. He says he's going to do it. He doesn't. He's got stuff from his high school years on it. He says this and that and I just don't even listen anymore. All I do is get pissed off and not say anything because I hear him talk, talk, talk and don't see anything.

 

I guess I should ditch him, but I know he will be hurt. I told him I lived like he is when I was in my 20's. I told him he is poor and living below poverty. Oh well.

 

Take care,

[AriaIncognito]

Wow, are you sure you're not dating my ex?? LOL. At least yours has a job...I'm gonna quote, cuz something you said reallllly hits home:

 

"All I see/hear is stuff he is going to do and I don't see any effort being extended. He says oh I'm going to go back to school and work parttime. I say, have you looked into it. He says no. I say your resume should have this strengthened. He says he's going to do it. He doesn't. He's got stuff from his high school years on it. He says this and that and I just don't even listen anymore. All I do is get pissed off and not say anything because I hear him talk, talk, talk and don't see anything."

 

This is SOOO my ex. He would tell me how he was going to get a doctorate in music (nevermind the fact that he doesn't even have a bachelors in anything). He would tell me he'd do certain things (fill out say, a car insurance application - we dated for a year, he still hasn't done it). He'd tell me we'd do things (trips/day things, whatever) and he'd never do the planning. He'd expect me to do all of it. I was the one to update his resume to make it sound more professional, probably more professional than he actually ever is. I just got to the point where I didn't believe anything he told me he was going to do, because odds were, he'd never do it anyway, so why should I get my hopes up, or nag him about something he said he'd do.

 

In my opinion, you need to move on as well. You clearly need someone who will love you for who you are and also be what you need in a partner. I've been single for a month and a half now, and while it's not a walk in the park, at least I'm only worried about my life and how to live it, not mine plus his and how to fix it.

 

Good luck to you. I wish you the best. :-)

 

Jennifer

[Mary3]

Classic : He wants everything hand delivered to him because he believes in his mind that Jobs will knock on his door. Opportunites will knock on his door and while you are at it can you please clean out his refridgerator

 

This non motivators likely have some depression because nothing materializes which sinks them even further. ..

 

The only thing that works is a good swift kick in the A**.

 

But however , that may be too late for both of the guys ...Living with 3 guys 10 years younger. He wants to be 22 again...

 

Peter Pan Syndrome .

 

Wonder if his parents gave him ( both of those guys ) everything they wanted and they have no idea how to work for anything ?

[AriaIncognito]

Mine did not come from a family where he was given much of anything, including attention I think. He was always harboring anger towards his parents because they supposedly sheltered him too much. Didn't let him experience the world when he was younger (like didn't let him take extra curricular activity or go out with friends type things).

 

I took out a book on Peter Pan Syndrome when we had 1st split in April. Some of it rang true for my ex, some of it didn't. However, for the most part, what we seem to have here in both cases is definitely a case of not wanting to "grow up" for whatever reason. It's a shame. There are some good things that come along with being a grown up. Too bad they are missing out.

 

Jennifer

[jd2004dc]

Interesting thread. I have never been in a relationship like this, but my sister seems always to be in one. She loves "helping" and "saving" men -- only to get frustrated in the end when they never change. I think relationships have to be built on mutual support, aid, comfort, help. St. Paul speaks of charity in these terms, as building one another up, self-sacrifice, and so forth. But what's interesting, to me, is that this only works if it is mutual. Of course, there are many times where one partner will be stronger than the other. But the point is that it cannot always be one who gives and one who gets. If it is -- and if there is no real excuse for why this should be so -- then I think you end up enabling the other person, turning them into your pet really, rather than actually helping to "build them up."

 

So, I think it is all well and good to focus on the faults of the other person when you are getting out of such a relationship. But why, I wonder, would so many people be like my sister and find themselves getting into relationships like this time and time again?

[Ssheena]

Ariawoman -nah, my bf lives in LA which is far away from NJ but maybe they are "seperated at birth". I finally had a talk with him and tried to be as nice as I could but now I feel incrediably guilty (which I don't think I "should" as I'm taking care of myself and putting myself first). Here is a bit of what I said:

I was rereading the email I sent to you in November regarding some stuff as far as jobs, resumes etc.. and it's VERY frustrating for me to think that you have made no progress on any of this. Now maybe you have and I don't know about it and I refuse to get involved in your life as far as making suggestions or anything like that but I am having a hard time hearing you say you are going to do this and going to do that. I am doing my best to be patient.

One day i hear you say, I'm thinking about going back to school but I don't know how I'm going to pay for it and then I hear, I want to buy a van because it will cost the same as getting my motorcycle fixed..

It is your life and maybe you are ok with everything the way it is, but I feel like saying get off your ass and do something about it instead of talking about it. If you had money we could go on a vacation or go to mexico or you could come here and visit and that's just not possible now and that's a bummer.

He's gong to "get back to me tomorrow" about this and he agrees with everything I've said (which he did before too). It's just he is soo frigging poor. Frontier had an airline sale yesterday -$79 one way from Denver to LA and I didn't even tell him about it because I know he couldn't afford it.

I took a class or a seminar or somewhere I heard and absorbed that two of the worst words to use are "try" and "should". I don't want to hear, I'm trying to sort out my life. He's been "trying" to do that since August and nothing has changed. GRR. Oh and of course, he is depressed and on Prozac but he doesn't like that and has no health insurance..the list goes on and on. I am losing all respect for him which I think will be the next thing I tell him.

[Mary3]

Ssheena " I have a few questions . How did you meet your current boyfriend ?

How long have you lived long distance from each other and how many miles apart ?

If this has always been a LDR , how long has it been going on ?

 

I am thinking he lives far enough away from you and has to fly to see you so maybe he is just a big talker and not a do-er. ( As in, seeing you more often ) or doing anything that he says he's going to do ?

[Ssheena]

Mary3 - Man, oh man.. the day after I bitch at him and tell him to get his ass in gear and that I'm sick of hearing blah, blah, blah - he gets the frigging job that he had applied for - a "real" job with benefits (paid vacation, health etc).

Soo..if I had just managed to keep my mouth shut for one more day.

 

How did I meet him? - Uh, I met him at a Club Med in 2000. Then I kind of tracked him down (stalking is too harsh for what I did) and saw him off and on for a few years - bad timing. He was in love with someone else. We reconnected in August of this year and he is totally present and in love with me (finally). I, of course, never stopped loving him.

 

We never have lived in the same place but this is actually the closest we have ever lived. I'm in CO and he is in LA. So the LDR has been going on since then. We both have webcams and can see and talk to each other real time which we do everyday.

 

When he told me he got the job yesterday he said he had already looked into flights to come out and see me. We had already discussed he comes out one month and I go out the next. Flights average between $160 and $210 RT which isn't bad for either of us (now). That is cheap in my book.

 

I guess he just moves at a different pace than I do (being a former East coast girl where everything is fast).