"On a break" - what is your opinion...

[AriaIncognito]

Well things have changed since a few hours ago....

 

He was online and he IMed me. My heart was pounding. He talked small talk and told me today he did spring cleaning, and i asked him if that would help him find a job, and he said he was hoping it would make him feel better, and i asked "health wise or job wise" and he said "both" and i said "usually you feel better job wise if you actually look for one" and he changed the subject and then I snapped on him.

 

He was pulling the same "change the subject when I don't want to deal with the reality that is my life" and I hate that! So, I said "yes. evading problems always makes them go away. not talking about it means it doesn't exist." And he said "so much for hello" and I just went at him. Here's the rest of the convo:

 

Him: And nagging helps

Me: i get it

Me: whatever

Him: So much for Hello

Me: yes so much for it i suppose.

Him: well as long as you're ok

Him: I'm taking my jobless butt to bed.

Me: i'm ok, i suppose, but i guess we should make arrangements to meet. you've got a bag of stuff here that's yours and you've got my keys.

Him: You're weird

Me: i'm weird? why? because i gave you a month and you basically just didn't care that i wasn't in your life. that speaks volumes to me. we split so that you could look for a job. you've basically told me you've not done anything of the sort. so, i think i should break this off for good. maybe someday in the future you'll see what you gave up and maybe you'll work at getting me back. but i can't keep pretending things are fine like you are.

Me: it's not fine that i've not seen my "boyfriend" in a month. it's not fine that he said he'd contact me and then would go weeks without it.

Me: i'm sorry i was gonna say all this in person but i'm just really upset about it.

Him: well it's been said and that's that

Him: we'll talk about things later

Him: I'll send you an email about a good time

Me: what

Me: why are you being like that

Him: like what

Him: ?

Me: i'll send you an email about a good time? what does that mean

Him: good time to meet?

Me: you can't decide on a time now

Me: i mean, you're not exactly crammed full up schedule wise i wouldn't think

Him: Ok. Thursday. 7pm.

Me: i'm not home at 7pm

Me: on thursdays

Me: i'm home at 7pm tomorrow if you wish

Him: That'll do.

Me: unless you want it earlier. i work at home tomorrow

Him: 1pm then?

Me: fine

Him: see ya

Me: bye

 

Ugh. So now i'll be seeing him tomorrow when I'm working from home, in order to give him back his bag of crap from here, and to get my keys from him. I'm nervous inside. I know this is for the best. I just hate that I have to do it. What do you all think of this exchange, was I too harsh?

 

This hurts.

 

Jennifer

[Tiny]

What do you all think of this exchange, was I too harsh?

 

Jennifer

 

LoL No Jen you weren't too harsh but you "both" seem to be into the "old married couple" arguments ie "take, take, take" emotionally speaking, before the water(love) can run free, first the dam must break, I know this might sound a little Kwai Chang Caine but it's my favorite form of relaxation lol

 

And I know it hurts, and although you may feel like you've given enough, maybe too much already, if you really want to feel how much love he still has for you, it may be necessary for you to give a little more, in the way of being honest with him about how you feel about him, and just how much this is really hurting you because of your love for him, so "you" must give that much more if he isn't willing/able to.

 

I'm sure you understand what i mean, and it isn't a very high price to pay if this really is "the end" of your relationship, at least you will then feel content with yourself, in the knowledge that you gave it one last true attempt to see if it was worth it, if he can't respond to you in a likewise manner, then you will know for certain, that he wasn't worth the effort and then you will be able to look for the person that can give you that.

 

I don't know the time difference thier to here, and maybe my response is already too late for any advice but i wish you the best and hope if there is a chance it works out ok.

 

Oh yeah and you also tell us how it went, coz i'm nosey like that

 

Good luck

 

Tiny

 

ps: I wonder if UPS do laundry by airmail

[AriaIncognito]

I already gave him that second chance of which you speak. We broke up in April of this year. Since then I've always been very open about how i was feeling, or how he was acting was making me feel. I just get "this is me, take it or leave it". he's not willing to change or budge one iota. He thinks being grown up is overrated. He wants to stay a child in a 36 year old body. He wants to sit around and watch cartoons and sci fi and nothing else. He wants to hang out with his 11 year old niece and keep her from growning up as well.

 

That is just not healthy, for any party involved. So I have to remove myself from it. 30 minutes more and he'll be here for his things...lord help me be strong.

 

Jennifer

[Tiny]

Be strong Jen

 

When I initially posted that I and your boyfriend were very similar, I now the reserve the judgment to say, that although we may have similar attributes, mine appear a little more mature and appreciative of someones love

 

GL and if he doesn't make you feel like your worth the effort, you can use my foot to kick his arse out of the door.

[AriaIncognito]

Well, I did it. He's gone. Now I'm left to heal again. I'm no longer shaking inside. I no longer feel like my heart is going to pound outta my chest. Those points are good.

 

It was quite sad. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to not cry. However, the instant I saw him, I cried. Now I'm crying again thinking about crying. Woo! Anyway...

 

It was sad. I said to him that the reason I was leaving was because he didn't value himself enough to make a life for himself. He agreed with me. I begged him to try to make himself a life, not for me, but for himself. He kept reassuring me that he'd be fine. I said "yeah, you'll just stay where you are now right?" and he smiled and I said "see how well I know you? I knew you were thinking that" and he said I was right. I told him I really didn't want it to go this way but that I needed someone that could value his own life so that we could have a life together. He told me many times that I could do so much better than him. I felt really bad. He was very unfeeling. He seems numb. He wasn't crying. Didn't seem phased. We talked about that, and he said he doesn't really feel anything anymore about anything. One thing falls apart, the rest does, the whole domino effect. He said he's been hurting for so long that now he just doesn't hurt. He said his heart was breaking. That just because he wasn't falling apart on the outside, didn't mean he wasn't on the inside. I told him I wished he was crying too, that I felt foolish, crying over a man that wasn't crying over me. He said he just didn't have any tears left, but reiterated how he was feeling on the inside. I guess this just falls in line with his not really telling people or showing how he's truly feeling inside. I have no doubt in my mind that he loved me as best he could. It just wasn't as best as I deserve. It's hard to know that, and to leave someone in hopes of finding that. But, I have to do it.

 

I said a lot of things I needed to say. I told him that if his parents were as bad as he says they were, that he'd not choose to be living with them. He made an "I guess that's true" face/shrug. I told him that I wished he'd wanted a life for himself and that it was the reason I left. I told him that I wished he looked like he was upset at all about my leaving him. I told him that I felt bad that I spent a year with someone who would just dismiss a relationship without mourning it as if it never existed in his life. I said I'd wished that I would be different and that he'd mourn losing me. He said he felt heartbroken about losing me. I guess he just didn't feel heartbroken enough to care to do anything about it. I told him that I'd like him to let me know how he is, and he said "I will" and I kinda pulled a face and he said "I WILL" and I said "pardon me for finding no comfort in those words". I told him that I'd like to hopefully one day be able to be friends, but that I didn't know when that would be, and he said he'd really like that.

 

I really hope he does pull himself together. For his own sake. Not for mine. I guess in that respect, I really do care about him. I hope he can find happiness instead of saying he's done with life. That's no way to live. I said that to him as well. He hugged me a few times and kissed my forehead once and my cheek once. I felt no comfort in his arms, for the first time. I know this is what I have to do. It hurts, but I guess time will diminish that part. And hopefully, I'll find someone more suited for me. And hopefully, Harold will make a life for himself. However, I'm more hopeful for the former than the latter, because at least I have control over my own destiny. He still needs to learn that he has control over his.

 

So, I start the final healing process. Wish me luck.

 

Jennifer

[Tiny]

I do wish you luck Jen it must of been hard for you, but you can only help yourself in these things, you can never "change" someone if they aren't willing to change themselves.

 

Anyway I really hope you find someone that'll make you happy, ah fk it, gimme your address I'll take you out and we'll see how it go's

 

If you'd told me his name was Harold, I could of told you, you were wasting your time anyway I mean with name like that there really wasn't a lot of hope was there, only kiddin btw my names Marcus so nice to meet you Jennifer.

 

I really wish you the best and it's been good to talk to you, even though it's ben a s**t situation, anyway keep me updated if theres any good things happening in the future, i'll keep checking back from time to time on this thread.

 

Tiny xxx

[AriaIncognito]

It's funny...I always found his name so stuffy, that i really never used it with him. To my friends, he was H. LOL. Or Big H. Or H-dawg...never harold. My friends made up the names. I just figured I wouldn't discount him based on his name, cuz well, my grandfathers name is Horace, and my grandmothers name was Evelyn. Stuffy names but they are/were good people :-)

 

Whenever you're in the US, Marcus... ;-)

 

Jennifer

[Tiny]

yeah well tbh i've never been further than the Mediterranean and the Aegean but hey you never know lol

 

You can always pm/msn me if you wanna chat

[AriaIncognito]

I couldn't find where to PM on this site...i use yahoo and aim...same nick as this forum ;-)

 

Jennifer

[Mary3]

At first I felt pity for him .

 

Sad that he lost such a beautiful strong woman.

 

You can't help but feel this in your gut wrenching good bye ...

 

I just read an article on MSN about cutting your losses. I was not thinking of your situation until this moment and how profound and true it is.

 

The article was basically stating that dating is like the stock market. You have to know when to get out of a bad investment that is eating away with no good returns.

 

No matter what , I feel bad for him. Empathy.

 

But as sad as it is, your bf needed to do SOMETHING and chose to do NOTHING and will remain in a frozen state of a 9 year old . He has gotten there by his family and behavioral traits. He remains there because he has made a choice to do so.

 

No one has a gun at his forehead forcing him to watch Cartoons and play with kids all day.

 

But maybe this loss will shake something inside of him. He has indeed hit rock bottom when he allows his laziness and ( depression -yes ) to eat away at his ambition, his goals , his dreams. He has none.

 

And you have MANY . And you need someone similar to your own goals and needs.

 

You did not find it with this man but there was something you found in him and perhaps he was the wounded bird that you tried to fix.

 

I tried to fix a few wounded birds too but they need help far beyond our care.

 

 

Good luck with your new life

[AriaIncognito]

Mary,

 

You're very right. A coworker of mine, around my age, very happily married, has always told me that I should just cut my losses and move on to someone else. Of course my arguement is always "move on to who? i never find anyone" but I've always known deep down that he's right. He said that I should "collect then select" meaning, date. Dont get into LTR until you really want that person to be the one (or know they are or whatever). He said when he met his current wife he was dating a few other girls. Their marriage makes me sick. It seems great. I mean, I'm sure they have their moments, we all do, but i can't help but be jealous of them. Wishing I had what he has with her. Wondering when i'll find "the one" i'm meant to be with.

 

You're right about H. He chooses to be this way. I told him that. I said your life is about your choices, nobody else makes them for you, so if you aren't happy with it, it's in your power to change it. He shook his head in acknowledgement that I was correct, but of course, it's much easier to sit around for six months and collect unemployment instead. I feel very sad for him. I wish he'd help himself. I'm doing OK breakup wise, for me. I'm not spending too much time wallowing in self pity, but I do of course find myself thinking about him and such. I miss him, and I admit that, but I know that I did what was best for me, for now, and quite possibly forever. So, now i just need to find where all these men hang out that my coworker thinks I should be dating LOL.

 

Jennifer

[Mary3]

He also sounds lazy . He Rather the government send him a stipend check and lay around some even more.

 

This really was not your dream soul mate.

 

I think and hope you will find someone more similar to your ambitions, goals and dreams

[AriaIncognito]

He's only got a whopping 5 more months that he can sit around before unemployment runs out on him, considering he only worked a little over a year at his job. Hopefully he'll get his act together, for his sake. And hopefully I'll find someone who has his good qualities and thensome so I can totally let go.

 

Jennifer

[Nikita20]

Aria:

 

Just a hypothetical question. What would you do if let's say after 5 months he finds a job, moves out of his parents place and calls you asking for a 2nd chance? What would you do if he professes his love for you and tells you that he made a mistake and made significant changes within himself?

 

I'm just asking because, as I mentioned before, I'm sort of in the same boat as your ex. I'm not quite like him because I've been sucessful, however when I met my ex I was in a rut. So far, I've paid off my taxes, I'm enrolled in the classes for my driver's license and I'm very close to landing a job. However, the only thing that kills my chances of getting back together with my ex is that he is seeing someone else. I've posted some new material, so if you would like to comment or give me some input, I'd appreciate it.

 

My point to all of this, is if you had a wonderful, loving relationship, why throw it away? People have the capacity to change. I know they shouldn't change for the sake of someone else, or for the sake of a relationship, but they should change for their own well being. I think if he does make some significant changes and proves not only to himself, but to you that he can be financially independent and successful, you should at least forgive him, understand him and give him a 2nd chance.

[Mary3]

Interesting Niki. Could she take him back if he made significant changes ? I think he would first off need therapy to dig deep into his self worth. After therapy and some intense soul searching , he would then need to put his plan into action.

 

To feel as he did , to get where he got in life , will take a tremendous effort. Also I still state that a man ties his work to his ego , so if he is unemployed and feels down , he will need some help with that.

 

Will the OP take him back after all that ? I wonder ?? Does the OP really truly love him enough to observe his metamorphisis ?

[AriaIncognito]

First of all, what does OP mean LOL

 

Anyway, Nikita in response to your questions...

 

I'm not sure that even if he were to get his act together in that way, that we'd be any more compatible in other things. He's still got the very f'ed up relationship with his 11 year old neice, that wont go away regardless of him getting a job. Also, his living standards, are way different than mine. While I do not live in a palace by any far stretch of the imagination, he has told me time and again that he'd live in a run down shack and be happy with it. We are just very different people, in a lot of ways. He likes to collect what i call "old crap". Books, toys, etc. He apparently has piles and piles of stuff in his room with no rhyme or reason to it. So that poses another potential problem, if he's a pack rat, my home would eventually become that way.

 

So, if he were to make a major change, I still don't think we'd really be compatible enough in other areas to ever be anything more than boyfriend and girlfriend. If I decided I never wanted to live with a man or marry one, and he fixed all that stuff about him, then yeah we'd prob get along well. However, you and I both know he's not going to improve in all of this, and if he does it would be YEARS until anyone could expect him to be actually changed on the inside. Therapy takes time.

 

Jennifer

[Nikita20]

Aria:

 

What is so screwed up about the relationship with his niece? That statement you made gives me the heebie jeebies and makes me think that perhaps there is something going on between him and his niece. I hope not. Please explain.

 

Your reply to my hypothetical question, confirms that you need to move on. In previous posts, it seems like you still have feelings for him and you miss him. If you feel that you guys would never be compatible and never see a future with him, then it would be in your best interests to move on and forget about him. It sounds like your gut is telling you to move on, however your heart is hurting.

 

Do you have any further input on my situation?

[Mary3]

OP= Original Poster - which is you Jennifer

 

Your guy sounds like he has deep troubles and is a obsessive pack rat to boot so that means your house would eventually look like his room.

 

What is it about the 11 year little girl ? Could he be traumatizing her ? Spending time with her... f*** ing up her world ?

 

I would called CPS and have them to an in home analysis. You dont want the little girl to grow up with problems too ...

[AriaIncognito]

To go into a little with the child...

 

He lives with his parents. His sister (who also used to live there) has 2 kids. One girl 11 one boy 6. two different fathers. Apparently, the mother of these 2 kids at one point, left the girl behind with her parents (the childrens grandparents) and took the boy with her to live. She ended up back in the house. Apparently the grandmother said if you leave again you're leaving this girl behind. Recently she left again with the son and left the daughter behind.

 

So, my ex took it upon himself to help raise this child, which I admit, is a very admirable thing to do. However.

 

It seems more like he just wants her around because he himself doesn't want to grow up. He and I have had conversations about her and how she's getting older and how soon she could even be dating, and he would not hear this. he'd actually cry over the thought of her growing up, and I think growing out of needing him. Sure, this might be normal for a parent to feel, but i think in ways he's holding her back. He claims he wants to give her the life that he didn't have. I'm not sure that's happening either.

 

When we first started dating, he told me the kid (mind you not even his kid) would always come before me. I took it with a grain of salt and I figured I'd see how he balanced it. At first, he'd be at my home from friday night til sunday afternoon when he'd need to go to work. Then it became saturday. Then it would be he'd be getting calls from her on the 1 day a week i'd be given. "When are you coming home? Where are you" blah blah and from his end of the conversation I always heard him consoling her over the fact that he was gone.

 

What I believe he's created here, is a codependent relationship. He doesn't want her to ever not need him, and she has created this need to ALWAYS be with him. She didn't have anything against me, matter of fact, she liked me, and wanted to spend time with me and him as a unit. I did do that a few times, but generally, i didn't want much to do with that relationship because it creeped me out. Everyone that knows me and knows of that relationship, also thinks it is unhealthy. I don't think it was just my being jealous of having to share him, so to speak.

 

So, there's your explanation. it's nothing sexual like you might have thought. Ew. It's just very very psychological.

 

Jennifer

[Mary3]

You may believe its not sexual with the 11 year old but it is highly abnormal for them to be involved to such a degree that he does not want her to turn into a young teen and get involved with boys.

 

Their relationship does not sound healthy at all. At 11 she should ( lets think back to when we were 11 ) outside alot and playing with kids and crossing over from being a baby to being a kid about to enter puberty.

 

Their unatural attraction to eachother is stifling them both.

 

For her to pick him as some high mentor and put him in some high esteem is strange in that , they are not supposed to be so consumed with eachother in that realm. He should be a good role model and encourage her to grow. I think that he looks at her as * his * and I promise you this can lead to sexual molestation .

 

Dont kid yourself anymore. 11 year olds are impressionable and they are both hanging on to each other in a way that can lead to exploration of areas they can not take back once they cross.

 

I still stand by that something is WRONG here and if left un attended , their relationship could progress into him exploring her ( if he has not done so already )

 

Pedophiles go to great lengths to expose their day time activities revolved around children. They could be in love with each other. Her looking up to him and him wanting her to stay under his wing. This can lead to them becoming physically attracted. She is entering the Danger Zone where girls have feelings stirring inside them ( remember when you were 13 and started liking boys instead of hating them ? Remember when you felt emotions of wanting a boy to ask you out ?

 

They are playing with Fire . It is up to HIM to control himself and get his life together.

 

I still say that they may start exploring eachtother as her body develops.

 

Please consult a child abuse sexual assualt counselor to find out the signs of a un natural obsession of a ADULT MALE hanging around an 11 year old.

 

Can't you see this is not RIGHT >?????

[AriaIncognito]

I can see that it's "not right" however, it's not my business anymore either way. I told him how I felt about their relationship when we were together. Honestly I really don't think this is a pedofile situation. Sure, I could be wrong, but I highly doubt that I am. What I think is the case here, is he doesn't want to grow up, so he doesn't want his "buddy" to grow up either. This was another major dealbreaker in our relationship. I couldn't accept the relationship they had. Be it sexual or not (and ew to even thinking about that) it was unhealthy because they were codependent. She doesn't have friends her age. She goes to school, and goes home. She is in karate and girl scouts, so she does get out of the house with other kids at times, but she's not one to hang around. He takes her to school every morning. Claiming no other adult in the house is responsible enough to do so. Yeah, maybe it does all sound really weird. I don't know. It's a sore spot with me and always was, and was a major contributor to my unease about our relationship.

 

As far as them now, I've got no say, nor is it my business to be reporting anyone based on the fact that they are a bit needful of eachother. There are 4 other adults living under the roof. If they aren't smart enough to see it (if it does exist) then I can't really do anything about it. He is no longer my problem, given the fact that we broke up. Sure, I don't want anything to happen to any of the children living there, if god forbid your ponderings are correct, but again, it's not my call to make.

 

H is a God fearing man who I highly highly doubt has ulterior motives here aside from his own lack of wanting to grow up. I'll need to place my faith in that belief.

 

Jennifer

[Mary3]

I understand you have removed yourself from the situation and are no longer concerned or bothered with him and his lack of ambition .

 

I also understand this child is not your concern .

 

There is nothing more for you to do here. I did urge you to find out whats normal and whats abnormal .

 

I can do no more.

 

Good Luck with you life.

[Mary3]

This Article I just researched : Written by a pedophile :

 

:When I was younger, I had a real close friend, who was always with me. We were best friends, and we were always together. Eventually he moved away, and I never seen him since. The reason I say this is because I think many pedophiles had similiar experiences or had sexual relationships with other kids during their childhood. As I was growing up, I missed my childhood friend a lot. I think(and I could be wrong) that I started seeking other boys out, thinking I would find another boy just like him. I believe over time, the thought process of finding a child becomes conditioned in ones brain(seeking love, comfort) from past experiences. As the individual becomes older, there still seeking out their first "attraction", which consequently will be a child, since their first love has grown up as well. Sexual attraction is embedded within the conditioning in ones sub-concious mind.

[AriaIncognito]

While I appreciate your concern, I really don't think that this is the case in this scenario. If I did, I certainly would have noticed it when we all spent time together, and also would have talked to him about it. This is merely a case of a man who doesn't want to accept his adult role in society. Many of them exist, and there's a psychological term for it, it's called Peter Pan Syndrome. Just because someone chooses to spend time with a child, doesn't make them a pedofile.

 

Thanks for the advice.

 

Jennifer

[Mary3]

Okay Jennifer. Good Luck .