Profile of a Cheater

[SMHappyface]

If you've read my recent posts all over LS, you will know that I recently ended an engagment because of a cheating fiance and my previously relationship was another cheater. I've been wracking my mind of what was the common denominator between both of these men - is there a root thing in a man (or woman!) that helps increase the odds of them cheating? So far I've come up with a few things, and I'd appreciate your input as well:

 

1. Reading - both G & C didn't like to read, they rarely did anything creative and were obsessed with the media

 

2. Morals - both G & C didn't have strong moral boundaries that they stuck to - they basically would accept any female attention good or bad whether they felt it was wrong or not. Why would they stop when they started dating me?

 

3. Sex Obsession - both men were obsessed with the size of their dick & pornography. C was more vocal about it - constantly talking about it and pointing out random girls he'd like to F**k, and had a T-shirt that stated "my dick is bigger than yours."

 

4. Lived at home - G was at college at the time, but lived at home afterwards, C lived with his dad in a cabin, but also had a apartment downstate that he got when he was working. Neither man REALLY knew how to make it on their own.

 

5. Copy-cats - G & C both seemed to have the people around them create their personalities. C was worse - whatever people would tell him, he would automatically believe half the time. They were both stubborn, but rarely thought for themselves.

 

6. Low Self-esteem - G & C both thought they were ugly, weight was wrong (G was 150/6'5" and C was 240/6'), and had a hang-up about one or multiple parts of their body

 

7. Low Ambition - Neither had goals and worked towards them. G wanted to be a stock-broker and was really good with it, but after graduation worked for his dad's paper company. C's life-long goal was to be a police officer or own his own motorcycle shop - but he ended up working for state corrections. They both had dreams, but they ended in their minds.

 

8. Money - both boys wanted it, but never had it. They complained about it and blamed all the lack of doing things to money - they didn't come up with creative things to do, but always thought that money was the only way to have fun.

 

9. Immature - while it is 100% fine for a guy to like teenage stuff like video games, etc, both C & G would get along a little too good with younger people who they interacted with on a peer level. G was 23 at the time and was great friends with his cousins who were 14. C was 26 and some of his close friends were 16 & 18.

 

10. History of failed relationships - obviously if you are in a new relationship, a previous one failed. BUT, finding out why they failed may be a key, G had two relationships before me, both girls dumped him. C had had 5 relationships before me and 4 of them dumped him, and he left the other because she lived in Australia (too far from home).

 

Anyways, that's the start - I wanna make a list so I can avoid another cheating relationship!

[LucreziaBorgia]

Probably the most important thing is to realize that a person who cheats in one relationship will not necessarily cheat in a relationship with someone else. There could be new guys you meet who fit some of those descriptions who are not cheaters.

 

You may want to also identify and list the similarities in your relationships with these guys as well as the similarities between these two guys.

[d'Arthez]

LB is right to point:

You may want to also identify and list the similarities in your relationships with these guys as well as the similarities between these two guys.

 

Sorry for quoting extensively, but I wonder if there are a few connections in these criteria.

1. Reading - both G & C didn't like to read, they rarely did anything creative and were obsessed with the media

Did not make small movies, and were not in editing and such on computers? Obsessed with media, but in a passive way (i.e. watching a lot of movies, news, porn and such), but rarely willing to find out if there was basis to the "facts" in the movies and reports?

 

2. Morals - both G & C didn't have strong moral boundaries that they stuck to - they basically would accept any female attention good or bad whether they felt it was wrong or not. Why would they stop when they started dating me?

Interestingly enough, this seems to relate possibly to #5 (CopyCats), and possibly #6. If I recall correctly, people who have low self-esteem run a higher risk of cheating.

 

3. Sex Obsession - both men were obsessed with the size of their dick & pornography. C was more vocal about it - constantly talking about it and pointing out random girls he'd like to F**k, and had a T-shirt that stated "my dick is bigger than yours."

Is this related or independent from #1? Again, being vocal about it on a constant basis might (not necessarily!) also point to #2. I think but few people who are in a monogamous and committed relationship would tell their SO that they wanted to f**k this or that random girl / guy, unless their relationship is (becoming) unhealthy.

 

4. Lived at home - G was at college at the time, but lived at home afterwards, C lived with his dad in a cabin, but also had a apartment downstate that he got when he was working. Neither man REALLY knew how to make it on their own.

There seems to be some truth in the idea that men mature more slowly than women. It is hard to find out when it is becoming unhealthy. Would they refuse to cook, clean, or whatever, if it was necessary? Or would they come up with excuses why these things are not necessary?

 

5. Copy-cats - G & C both seemed to have the people around them create their personalities. C was worse - whatever people would tell him, he would automatically believe half the time. They were both stubborn, but rarely thought for themselves.

Consistent with #1, and with #7. And in combination with #2 and #3, you are dependent on the quality of his friends for the quality of his behavior towards you in the relationship. No nice combination.

 

6. Low Self-esteem - G & C both thought they were ugly, weight was wrong (G was 150/6'5" and C was 240/6'), and had a hang-up about one or multiple parts of their body

All serious issues. And as I wrote earlier, low self-esteem is a limited predictor of infidelity (the relationship if far from perfect, and some people with high self-esteem cheat too).

 

7. Low Ambition - Neither had goals and worked towards them. G wanted to be a stock-broker and was really good with it, but after graduation worked for his dad's paper company. C's life-long goal was to be a police officer or own his own motorcycle shop - but he ended up working for state corrections. They both had dreams, but they ended in their minds.

Sadly that is true for most people. But the question is, where they in a position in which it was possible for them to pursue their dreams? It seems so. And then, why did they choose the easy route? Any specific behaviors you can point to?

 

8. Money - both boys wanted it, but never had it. They complained about it and blamed all the lack of doing things to money - they didn't come up with creative things to do, but always thought that money was the only way to have fun.

Who does not want to have money? Practically no one. And while it is true that money may be helpful, a romantic dinner or anything does not have to cost much at all. Especially if you cook it yourself - but judging by #4, there may be a problem there. If you lack the skills and / or interest needed to pursue fun things without spending a lot of money, money is always an issue.

 

9. Immature - while it is 100% fine for a guy to like teenage stuff like video games, etc, both C & G would get along a little too good with younger people who they interacted with on a peer level. G was 23 at the time and was great friends with his cousins who were 14. C was 26 and some of his close friends were 16 & 18.

It is fine for girls too. And not all videogames are "teenage stuff." There is a qualitive difference between beating each other to ****, and roleplaying a monk in a D&D game. With the latter being indicative of creativity, and other positive attributes.

But on what basis where they friends? It matters if it is on exactly beat them up video games, or on the basis of chess, an interest in computer stuff in general.

 

10. History of failed relationships - obviously if you are in a new relationship, a previous one failed. BUT, finding out why they failed may be a key, G had two relationships before me, both girls dumped him. C had had 5 relationships before me and 4 of them dumped him, and he left the other because she lived in Australia (too far from home).

It may be something to find out who dumped who, but even more important is WHY the relationship failed. Cheating, passive aggressive abuse (and thus letting the other break up, making you seem like the "victim"), distance, lack of communication.

 

Remember the only common denominator in all relationships you had, is your presence.

 

Anyways, that's the start - I wanna make a list so I can avoid another cheating relationship!

[ReluctantRomeo]

Probably the most important thing is to realize that a person who cheats in one relationship will not necessarily cheat in a relationship with someone else.

 

Wanna explain your reasoning on this, LB? It doesn't look empirically true from where I sit.

 

I agree though that SMH's list does seem rather broad - reading and cheating don't seem linked to me. And that, as D'arthez suggests, the relational problems might well go beyond SMH's boyfriends' cheating...

[d'Arthez]

Wanna explain your reasoning on this, LB? It doesn't look empirically true from where I sit.

Meet a once-cheater who does not cheat in a new relationship. LB's point is proven then already.

[SMHappyface]

I don't believe that any person is responsible for cheating. If you are truly unhappy with a relationship, be a man or a woman and end the thing, THEN look for greener pasture. I believe people cheat because they want what they have THEN some - the constant search to have it all because they feel so empty inside for some reason or another. On my similarity points, I'm not saying any particular point is a REASON for cheating, just some similarities - I'm exploring, not giving my final conclusion. The reading thing was just to point out a passive view on life - these are both people that watch things happen than make things happen. I believe that people like that tend to allow things to happen to them that may not necessarily have chosen for themselves. I don't believe that my ex went searching for girls to cheat with, but I believe he didn't actively turn down the offers either, and sooner or later he gave into them. The two girls I KNOW he cheated with are both a bit aggressive sexually and a bit of party girls. I'm guessing there was most likely alcohol involved, which can lower inhabitions and give way to your base passions and desires. And I don't believe once a cheater, always, (C's best friend M cheated, but he realizes how bad it was, and has a great marriage today with a different woman) but I do believe that there may be things in a cheater that amplify the chances of this happening.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Wanna explain your reasoning on this, LB? It doesn't look empirically true from where I sit.

 

I'm not saying there aren't serial cheaters - there are, and that can be established in pattern behavior. It can be predicted by certain factors as well. However, not everyone who cheats in a relationship can be labeled a 'serial cheater', nor can that predict if they will cheat again (barring pattern behavior and many risk factors). Sometimes it depends on the relationship, and how a person's choices are affected by the perceived happiness (or lack of it) in the relationship - and not a matter of some inherent moral weakness which makes them cheat uncontrollably.

 

Some people cheat because they are internally and compulsively driven to do so. Others do it because of external factors, that if different - wouldn't lead them to want to cheat. They can't all be lumped into one category. Sometimes people fail relationships. Sometimes relationship fail people.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Some people cheat because they are internally and compulsively driven to do so. Others do it because of external factors, that if different - wouldn't lead them to want to cheat.

 

Fair enough, I think I understand what you meant now. I'd also add a third category though - some people don't cheat on principle.

 

Without wanting to bore LS with a rigorous Bayesian analysis, it is clear that if someone cheats once, they are more likely than the general population to fall into your category 1 ("always cheat") than 2 ("convenience cheats"). And unlikely to be drawn from 3 ("faithful"), which is my target group. And presumably SMH's.

[SueBee3490]

2. Morals - both G & C didn't have strong moral boundaries that they stuck to - they basically would accept any female attention good or bad whether they felt it was wrong or not. Why would they stop when they started dating me?

 

5. Copy-cats - G & C both seemed to have the people around them create their personalities. C was worse - whatever people would tell him, he would automatically believe half the time. They were both stubborn, but rarely thought for themselves.

 

6. Low Self-esteem - G & C both thought they were ugly, weight was wrong (G was 150/6'5" and C was 240/6'), and had a hang-up about one or multiple parts of their body

 

These 3 points stuck out with me also regarding my H (though he was my bf at the time of cheating).

 

2. Morals - My H went out with one woman that he knew had a bf and she knew about me being his gf but that didn't seem to "bother" either of them. He chatted with one married woman on the computer for years (even though she was married and he says nothing physical ever came from that relationship). Then he had dinner and sex with another one, where he tells me he "wasn't sure" if she was married or not but he went ahead and went with her anyway. This just blew my mind that his morals are so low that he just didn't seem to care at all about anyone other than himself. I told him that whenever I chatted with any men on the computer if they said they are married or dating someone - that was an immediate bye-bye from me.

 

5. copy-cats - I have often told me H that he seems to believe what everyone else says - almost at times as though he has no mind of his own. ANYTHING any of his brothers say must be God's honest truth. Since he also was a truck driver - it seems anything that he heard on his CB must be the truth. I also noticed that anything that his kids liked or didn't like in the way of food - then he did also. Anytime we would run by a fast food restaurant, he tended to order whatever his son ordered. I asked him before why he couldn't order what food he really wanted - he just says that is what he wanted.

 

6. low self-esteem - My H definitely has low self-esteem - hell I do too but I didn't go cheating on him Actually I was proud to have him as a bf - evidently the same didn't hold true for him. He said his father used to tell him he was ugly, of which I responded if he really believed that - then wouldn't he also have this low self esteem issues in his 1st marriage (I'm his

2nd)? So wouldn't he cheat on his 1st wife too? He claims he never did and even says I can ask her myself. For some reason I believe he probably didn't cheat on her which makes me feel even worse because she did cheat on him during their marriage. :(

[ReluctantRomeo]

It can be predicted by certain factors as well.

 

I think SMH was looking for a list of these factors. Wanna share some?

[lilmoma1973]

Probably the most important thing is to realize that a person who cheats in one relationship will not necessarily cheat in a relationship with someone else. There could be new guys you meet who fit some of those descriptions who are not cheaters.

 

You may want to also identify and list the similarities in your relationships with these guys as well as the similarities between these two guys.

 

Totally agree with Lucrezia Borgia .. People can change don't judge them till they prove you wrong!!