Just need some support

[fomerlyniceguy]

Well I thought I was doing great. My wife told me a few weeks ago she didn't feel like she loved me anymore and maybe never did and that she didn't want to be married anymore. She said she wants to be on her own for a while and be independent, but still wanted us to be friends. I took it hard the first couple of weeks, but did my best to start moving on my own and doing stuff for myself.

 

She moves out next week and I move out the following week. Yesterday was my birthday and she wanted to take me to dinner, we have done this before and was always nice. Of course a birthday always bring up feelings of reflection for me and I was a little down. That part of me that always beats himself up was telling me that "You are 32 years old and no one has ever loved you". I feel like I am in so much pain right now I don't know what to do with it all. This morning I realized that she had quit wearing her wedding ring, and that made it even worse.

 

She called me later and apoligized saying that she didn't maen any disrespect and it didn't mean she was trying to appear available, she just needed to do it. She said she would put it back on because she was technically still married. I told her I didn't want her wearing it out of guilt.

 

I just need someone to tell me it is going to be alright that it will get better. Because right now it doesn't feel like it ever will.

[dgiirl]

It will get better. Trust me. It will take time and it wont be better any time soon, but you are strong enough to stick it out and to get through the pain. About 9 months ago, I was in the same position as you. The pain was unbearable and I never thought it would end. But it did. It still hurts, but not nearly as painful as it once did. You can and will get through this. Trust me and trust yourself. It will get better!

[fomerlyniceguy]

Thank You. I felt like I was doing so well. I felt strong and like I was on my way. I am sure I will be back up there sometime. I am not sure why I let it bother me as much as it did. She always seems so ok with it even happy about it. To me it just comes off as cold. I am not sure what I want from her. She can say she will miss the dog, or the house, or our town but she doesn't seem to care that I will be gone. It's not like I was ever a bad person I did my best to be a great husband, yet it doesn't seem to matter.

[dgiirl]

It's a really long rollercoaster of emotions. And you will see yourself happy one minute and then angry or sad the next. Just realize everything you are feeling right now is perfectly normal. It might help you to research the stages of grief just so you can understand what stage you are in. It helped me to not be afraid of the emotions you will experience.

 

As for your wife's behaviour, it never makes sense. They're cold because if they were kind, it would give us false hope. They want out of the relationship, and there's very little you can do once they make up their mind. The only thing you can do is to protect them from your anger. And if it hasnt yet, trust me it will come.

 

My exh admited to me once that he was a jerk to me so that I would realize there was no way he would come back to the relationship. It was the only way I could take him seriously, so he treated me like ****. But if it helps, try to put yourself in her shoes. How would you divorce someone you are no longer in love with? It hurts. It sucks. But trust me, you will have a period of mourning, you will cry and it will be painful, BUT you will make it through. Take this time as a learning experience. It will make you stronger and you will have a better life if you let yourself. If you make it your goal to keep moving regardless of the current pain, and keep focusing on the future.

[Trimmer]

dgiirl is right. I was there too, at about the same time as her. It will get better. It's hard to believe, but it's worth holding on to. Eventually, I came to find moments, then hours, then sometimes whole days where I felt better. It was gradual (and the "rollercoaster" analogy is a darn good one) but I started to see a general trend towards more-feeling-better and less-feeling-bad.

 

The bad stuff kind of slams you suddenly, and in big loads; the good feelings and recovery kind of creep back to you slowly, so be careful not to miss them. Take even small moments of comfort and pleasure and relish them, then remember them when you are feeling down - trust that they will come back to you eventually. This carried me through some pretty bad times.

 

Another thing that helped early on, even though I realized I still had a long and unknown road ahead of me, was realizing that whatever happened in my future - together or apart - it was going to be different, and I was going to be different. I had crossed a threshold, I was embarking on a process of change - big changes - and there was no going back to exactly "the way things were", even if we stayed together and worked things out. It helped me to stop struggling against what was happening, trying to drag it to a halt, but to start working with the forward progress instead, wherever it would take us.

 

And in a way, this is an encouraging thing. If you accept that you can and will and need to change, then anything is possible isn't it? The "old you" ended up in a marriage with some kinds of problems, but if you can change, then this allows for the possibility of rebuilding a better marriage. The "old you" couldn't imagine living without your wife, but if you can change, trust in yourself that you can become an independent, whole person. There are no guarantees, but there are possibilities. Whatever happens, you get to re-write your future. Accept that it will be different, that change will happen, and it becomes just a little less scary.

 

Concrete things for you to do in the short term:

 

(*) Get enough sleep, eat carefully, get some exercise and fresh air, take care of your physical self.

 

(*) Take care of your emotional self; give yourself a break - if you'd just had surgery, you'd be expected to give your body time to rest and recover. Well, this is a pretty big trauma on your mind and emotions - let them rest a bit, and don't give in to self-doubt and putting yourself down. You'll do plenty of self-reflection as time goes on, but right away now, don't go too deep, becaue you'll end up beating yourself up, and you don't need that right now.

 

(*) Start thinking about the idea that change will come, and try to embrace it as a general concept for your future. Don't yet worry about exactly what the changes will be, or at least if you have to think about them, don't dwell on any particular one. If you start dwelling on a change that is frightening, counter it with an example that is different and hopeful...

 

Give yourself some time at these things, before you start working on what to do next. Let us know how you're doing...

[fomerlyniceguy]

I am in the mode of doing what I can for myself, lots of exercise, eating healthy, looking into fun things for me to do. I am doing a lot of reading about self esteem trying to learn about myself. I have identified things in me that I feel like are flawed and am working towards changing them. I told her that I would like to set aside some time this weekend to talk about boundries after the seperation and divorce. I feel like I have to do at least a modified No Contact for a while. We still have financial matters that are comingled and She had a son from another relationship and I want to be part of his life, at least I hope he he wants to be part of mine. But for now I want to just keep contact as minimal as possible. She said a cople of weeks ago that, "If she wanted to be married right now she wouldn't want to be married to anybody but me". I wasn't sure if that was the sweetest thing ever said to me, or the meanest thing ever said to me.

[dgiirl]

Interesting... sounds like she's a bit conflicted in where she lies.

 

As for you focusing on yourself, that's the BEST way to get through this. Especially in the beginning where falling into depression is so easy. You need to preoccupy yourself with everything you are doing. Good job!

 

As for the no contact, or limited contact. There's tons of different view points on it. Have you, yourself, gone to marriage counselling? Also, there is a ton of material over on marriagebuilders.com and divorcebusting.com that might help you when you ARE communicating with your wife. Who knows if it works, but it's worth a try.

[fomerlyniceguy]

Yeah she has made some wierd comments in the past that she needs time on her own, and that she wants to be friends and who knows what will happen in the future. I take that with a grain of salt because it could also mean "I don't want to hurt your feelings, by telling you it will never happen, so I offer this to you". One of the things I am working on as far as myself is that I have few friends. I have always been shy and introverted. I have one good friend that lives in Oklahoma but is moving his family back down here next month(I think God was looking out for me on this one). Still I don't have a close circle of friends to share my life with. I posted in the friends forum just now because to tell you the truth I am not exactly sure how to make friends as an adult. As a kid it was easy, now it is more of a challenge.

[Hot Coco]

Has anyone experienced this? I've always noticed in my life that the WORST experiences have always been followed by the BEST chapters in my life.

 

I never really thought about that before but it's been true in my life and I wonder if it has been for others. You have no where to go now but UP. I mean you're going through the WORST now. I've been through it too. I was really suicidal for the first time in my life. And that's with knowing it was the right thing to divorce. It STILL was hell!

 

Working on yourself is a great thing to do now. Make yourself whole again. One day, this will all be behind you. The pain will be nothing but a dim memory.

 

You WILL be alright again. And it DOES get better. It just always feels like it never will when you're right in the thick of this kind of pain. But it really does get better you'll see. You'll be not only alright again. You will be BETTER than alright. You will be stronger and you will appreciate the good things that will happen in your life even more.

[lindya]

Has anyone experienced this? I've always noticed in my life that the WORST experiences have always been followed by the BEST chapters in my life.

 

That's it. I'm buying a lottery ticket this week. It's MY TIME damnit!

[fomerlyniceguy]

That's it. I'm buying a lottery ticket this week. It's MY TIME damnit!

 

I'm afraid too she might get it all in the divorce:D

[fomerlyniceguy]

As for the no contact, or limited contact. There's tons of different view points on it. Have you, yourself, gone to marriage counselling? Also, there is a ton of material over on marriagebuilders.com and divorcebusting.com that might help you when you ARE communicating with your wife. Who knows if it works, but it's worth a try.

 

Yes I have gone to a therapist. We went to a marriage councelor once and it pretty much just reaffirmed her wanting out. She told me that it was not me it was her. Of course when you here that you know it is not true. So I asked her to be honest and she gave me a laundry list of things, but said in the end she thought that all those things could have been worked through, she just wants to be free so to speak. She said she feels like she has always given to other people and feels like it has exhausted her. She bounced from relationship to relationship never being by herself. Now she wants to be on her own for a while. While I know the No contact thing is used by people wanting there SO back. I don't think it would ever happen. I think the No Contact would be for me just so I don't feel drawn in again. Because we can still laugh and have fun and even connect, but I know it doesn't make any difference on the outcome because in the end she still wants that paper that says she isn't married anymore.

[dgiirl]

No contact is mainly for you to heal and not damage the relationship any further by crying/pleading for them to come back. If you have a good head on your shoulder and can refrain from begging them to come back, then you might not need to implement no contact. However, again, nc is good for YOU if you want to move on and feel that staying in contact with her is not letting you. You also dont want to be caught up in a situation where she has the best of both worlds, you as a friend (who's pining over her) and her freedom to see whoever else she wants.

 

It's funny that you mentioned that a close friend of yours is coming back to your home town. I have experienced similar situations. Before I told any of my friends that my exh just left me, i got three pairs of my friends emailing me that they were going to come and see me in the following month. It's like they knew I needed to see them or something. I have other similar bizarre situations where I truely do believe God interviened and put them into my path just to help me out of this situation. It helped a lot to know I wasnt alone.

[scobro]

She told me that it was not me it was her

 

Thats the biggest crock of corn s*** if I have ever heard.My ex said that too and your damn right its you is what you say.I know this is tough and I didn't want to believe it but are you sure there is no-one else because all of what she is saying are signs that there is.My ex said that other posts I have read same thing and there in the end I found out there was another guy involved now I don't know if she was losing 10 pounds a night getting slammed by this guy but there was an emotional connection of some sort.I would be extra nosey and curious where she goes and who she talks too follow her one night or hire a PI and find out, it could help in the divorce settlement.......fking women:mad:

[scobro]

She bounced from relationship to relationship never being by herself. Now she wants to be on her own for a while.

 

Sorry just read this, brother,my ex said word for word the exact same thing then that night I catch her talking on her cell to the guy she was seeing.I would now be extra extra suspicious I think someone else is around her corner.If one month from now she is dating I guarantee right now there is someone else.

[Hot Coco]

That's it. I'm buying a lottery ticket this week. It's MY TIME damnit!

 

That's funny Lind! Hey, you never know, right?

[dgiirl]

fking women:mad:

 

Hey dont be lumping all of us into that group. Some of us women were cheated on too you know!

 

I just read what Trimmer wrote too (not sure how i missed it the first time). Very excellent post. Try and not blame yourself too much for the failure of the marriage. A dr philism, Always remember that "you did the best you could at the time, and when you knew better, you did better"!

[scobro]

Hey dont be lumping all of us into that group. Some of us women were cheated on too you know!

 

Sorry had forgot that women get cheated on too

[fomerlyniceguy]

It was very weird ride home from work last night. I was driving home and I learned two words I am not sure I have ever used before, "I Deserve". I started talking to myself and yes crying(not easy seeing how I was raised). I was shouting,

I deserve someone who loved me.

I deserve someone that was willing to make me a priority occasionally.

I deserve someone who is honest with me.

I deserve respect.

I deserve to have my needs met.

I deserve to get as much as I gave.

I deserve better.

I am sure it would have been a strange scene to anyone passing by but talk about empowering. After that and a good workout, I felt great. I am savoring the moment because you never know how long it will last, but for one brief and shining moment I feel like I have got my self respect back with the words "I deserve".

 

P.S. ScoBro I haven't seen any evidence that she is looking or has hooked up with anyone else. Not sure that I care anyway. I was a damn good husband, stepfather, lover and friend and if she feels like someone else can do that better so be it.

[trickynj99]

hey nice guy(not gonna use the formerly!!)

 

i'm going thru same thing as you.. i can only say to keep thinking positive thoughts(As best you can) and it seems you're doing that.

 

think of it this way...smokers won't quit because you convince them or make them quit..they decide internally...whatever you really really want on the inside (and only you know this) the best way to go forward is to be your best person and learn from mistakes and try to be strong.. then whatever happens you did your best and maybe in the end your partner decides for herself that SHE WANTS to do better too!!

 

and kudos, to Trimmer's post, i agree with it wholeheartedly

[fomerlyniceguy]

Yeah I am working on it. I feel good today and am concentrating on just today. So far so good.