ginag Posted November 16, 2005 Share Posted November 16, 2005 My BF is very curious about my past and is always asking me questions of past loves etc. He says it doesn't bother him but I have not told him about all my past. I feel uncomfortable talking about things like that. It's really not a big deal but I feel that I have cheated on him by lying to him. A few years ago I got tipsy and went home with an acquaintance of mine. I wasn't dating anybody at the time. It meant nothing and I never speak of it to anyone but once in awhile I run into him. I don't want my BF to get mad (which he will if I tell him) but it's driving me crazy. I know the past is the past and it's nobody's business but my own. Any advice about telling your current love about the past.... after you've said "that's all I've been with"? Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Tristram Posted November 16, 2005 Share Posted November 16, 2005 Actually it should be his business as well. Dont you think he deserves to know what he may be at risk for? Dont you think he deserves a honest relationship? My wife did that crap to me. And I will tell you, I was highly pissed when I found out the reality of her past. Sure I would have been upset or stand offish had she told me when we first met but it would not have been nearly as bad. Point Blank- He has just as much right as you do to determine rather or not the relationship is right for him as well. When you lie, you hinder that ability. Would you like it if he did that to you? If say he did something you like or dislike wouldnt you want to know? What if he has herpes or something and decided to lie to you about it to make himself more appealing to you, what would you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted November 16, 2005 Share Posted November 16, 2005 One sure way for me to dump a g/f is for her to be hanging out with a guy she banged in the past and still has contact with. If it's not a big deal, then why's it a secret? Sure, you can keep this a secret, but if it comes out it will be MUCH worse and he will be that much more deceived. People have the right to present the deal they present. Part of his deal is that he wants to know (I think asking is dopey, personally). You are not meeting the deal he offered. Link to post Share on other sites
Jayhawkgirl Posted November 17, 2005 Share Posted November 17, 2005 Don't do it! Leave the past in the past. One drunk night my boyfriend asked me how many people I had been with and he told me how many he had. Now we are both dealing with major jealousy issues that we never had before and wish we never would have told each other. There is nothing you can do to change the past. Instead, look toward the future. That's what we are trying to do... Link to post Share on other sites
mini696 Posted November 18, 2005 Share Posted November 18, 2005 Dont tell him unless you want too. The reason he asks is because he is probably jealous, and jealous people prefer to know what it is they are worried about rather than thinking of the worst case scenario. The past is gone, and nothing will change what you did. You own him nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted November 18, 2005 Share Posted November 18, 2005 It is weird. He is claiming that he is not bothered about your past, yet at the same time curious about it. The two do not add up. As for the secrecy issue, it is understandable. You know these are risky subjects, even moreso, when a partner behaves in such way as to suggest jealousy. They are intimidating you, making it less easy for anyone to tell what happened in the past. And subsequently punish you for "your dishonesty"? I would suggest that people who do that, also take a look at their interrogation techniques. I would consider telling him. Not because you are forced to do so, because you are together (can you speak to ALL his ex-gfs? And if not, why not? You may insist on that as well, by virtue of his position). But because you can see how he deals with it. If he is acting as a <insert expletive>, you are better off without him. And he would have behaved in similar fashion, if you had not told him, although the pretext would be different. And if he reacts to it, without making you feel terrible because of that, the issue will cease to exist in the future. It may hurt him, but he insisted to know everything. And he will be reaping the rewards for that. Of course the above is anything but failproof. The safer bet is not telling. But you can make a good case for telling. Link to post Share on other sites
witabix Posted November 18, 2005 Share Posted November 18, 2005 If he asks tell him. Not telling something you have been asked aout is lying by ommission. The truth may hurt, but as I said if he asks tell him. Tell him the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. if he doesn't like it tough luck on him. Main Entry: omis·sion Pronunciation: O-'mi-sh&n Function: noun 1 : something neglected, left out, or left undone 2 : the act, fact, or state of leaving something out or failing to do something esp. that is required by duty, procedure, or law <liable for a criminal act or omission> Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted November 18, 2005 Share Posted November 18, 2005 He's currently saying he's not bothered by it because you have not yet said anything that has "flicked that switch" so to speak. I don't know if all guys do, but I grew out of the past relationship curiosity phase sometime around 22. The past is the past, just get bloodtests and then it never happened. If that doesn't work, he's probably fishing for assurances that he's the best you've ever had. So tell him. (even if it's a lie) Link to post Share on other sites
suzy Posted November 21, 2005 Share Posted November 21, 2005 I have been in this exact situation before, though I can give you advise, I'm not sure your going to like it! No guy should be asking you, or (as the case may be) harrassing you into cataloging your past love-life, frankly its none of his buisiness. If you CHOOSE to SHARE that information with him, well that's fine, but that should be your choice. If you do trust him with info about your ex's then he should not be breaking your confidences by using your openess to hurt you. My advice would be to tell him nothing more about your past until he can handle his feelings of jealousy better or maybe better still, kiss his ass good-bye. Link to post Share on other sites
cgm5 Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 I don't get the people who always say its "not their business" to know the past. I've been with my boyfriend for two years and although it did induce a bit of jealousy on both parts I'm glad we have both been completely honest about our pasts. I want to know if I'm encountering people that he may have had sex with...not that it makes any difference to our relationship, but I would hate to be the oblivious one in a situation where an ex-lover is present and everyone knows something that I don't. Part of being together is knowing EVERYTHING about eachother...the good the bad and the insignificant. The real clincher in making or breaking a relationship, in my opinion, is knowing about and being able to deal with the past, present and future. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 I agree with the question about whether it's their business... I guess it's not, but then if you want to be in a relationship with them, anything they want to know is in some sense their business. If you don't want to talk about it, then tell them that. If you lie, and they find out, you are toast. If you lie, and they don't find out... well, score one for successful deception and don't you feel good? Just be honest about how you feel about talking about it. If he can't take that, then you won't be happy with him long term anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
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