Scottstina Posted November 16, 2005 Share Posted November 16, 2005 Innocently enough, my small daughter opened the drawer to my boyfriend's (we've been together one year) bedside table and there was a framed picture sitting on top of some other papers. I was laying in the bed and just leaned over and turned the picture over. I've always been told that he's got nothing to hide and he never acts suspicious or freaky if I go in his drawers to get my clothes or anything. (We don't live together, we just have stuff at each other's homes) Anyway, it was a small collage of photos of his ex-gf (and him...even a pic of them kissing). She was his only long term relationship ever, and I know that he was deeply in love with her and very hurt by their break-up, which was 3 years ago. For some reason, it really hurt me to see this photo. I am not a woman who has self-esteem problems, or jealously problems, but it still made me think "why would he have a picture like this so close at hand?" Quite often I feel that there is something holding him back from a deeper committment with me. When we discuss it, he says that he is proceeding cautiously. I think perhaps there is more to it than just being cautious. Any input on whether or not I should be feeling hurt....whether I should attempt to approach the subject of the photo with him...or should I just let it be and move forward with what we have, which is that I am in a relationship with a man who is afraid to let himself love again. That's an entirely new thread, and one that I may bring up some other time. Thanks... s.t. Link to post Share on other sites
glittergurl Posted November 16, 2005 Share Posted November 16, 2005 Well, it's natural for you to feel hurt. I'd probably feel the same, or even worse. I've always sucked at keeping my mouth shut and just suck it in; so every time there's been an ex-related issue, I've brought it up. I mean, don't let bad feelings build up in your head; if you feel like this will bother you on the long run, just bring it up and try to talk it out calmly with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted November 16, 2005 Share Posted November 16, 2005 I don't think anybody can tell you whether or not you should feel hurt or not.. feelings are true and real.. It did hurt you.. and for good reason.. He would be hurt if he had seen photos of your ex in your bedside table.. You need to speak with him about this and see waht he says.. study and gauge his reaction.. People put old pictures away in places that are not readilly accessable.. boxes.. closets.. etc.. Not nightstands Watch his reaction.. I think he is not over her yet.. Link to post Share on other sites
SmoochieFace Posted November 16, 2005 Share Posted November 16, 2005 Personally, I would be wondering if the X really is an X. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scottstina Posted November 16, 2005 Author Share Posted November 16, 2005 No, no, no....that's not an issue. I know that for sure. He's not the kind of man that dates one and has another one. It's just not his style. We spend every night together, and talk during the day. I'm aware that the woman has moved to another state and got married a couple years ago. In the manner of the X not being an X IN HIS HEART, yes, that is an issue. And that's what has prompted me to write in this forum. I don't really know how to approach the issue without seeming jealous and invading. I know I'll figure it out and handle it the best I can, but I was truly curious whether majority would say I was being over-reactive. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted November 16, 2005 Share Posted November 16, 2005 I don't think anybody can tell you whether or not you should feel hurt or not.. feelings are true and real.. You need to speak with him about this and see waht he says.. study and gauge his reaction.. People put old pictures away in places that are not readilly accessable.. boxes.. closets.. etc.. Not nightstands Watch his reaction.. I think he is not over her yet.. Art is right.....there are pictures of my husbands ex in the attic..... he moved here and just filled the attic with unneeded items. However I can seeing a guy leaving a pic in a drawer and never bother to move it. I guess it would depend on how long they have been apart and if he is neat and clean. I found tidbits of the ex here and there...he chucks them when they are brought to his attention.. just bring it up.... talk about it. a4a Link to post Share on other sites
seachange Posted November 16, 2005 Share Posted November 16, 2005 Hi tina. My gut reaction is that I'd be hurt, too. The nightstand drawer is a pretty intimate place to keep a photo of an ex from three years ago. I'm with Art on this one (as is often true, I find!! ) I think you're right to wonder if he's truly over her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scottstina Posted November 16, 2005 Author Share Posted November 16, 2005 a4a, he's extremely neat and clean, has recently moved into a new place and this relationship ended 3 years ago. ???? I will bring it up..I'm a talker. Just hard to talk about things that guys probably think aren't of issue. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted November 16, 2005 Share Posted November 16, 2005 Well Houston sounds like we got a problem! That does not seem right then. Going to make a really bad excuse for him, are you ready? The picture was in the drawer when he moved the furniture in and never bothered to clean it out........ bad bad excuse. My guess is you have been with him a year.... maybe it a year old in the drawer. Just be honest with him. I am guessing you tell him you love him? He tells you? Tell him you are not trying to be a "nut", but you saw it and it bothers you..... if he flips out....... well then post again! We are here. a4a Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted November 16, 2005 Share Posted November 16, 2005 a4a, I will bring it up..I'm a talker. Just hard to talk about things that guys probably think aren't of issue. In this case even if he thinks it isn't an issue it is to you.. and that is what is important.. The fact that he moved and placed the pics in the nightstand speaks volumes on its own without words.. Don't take any BS excuse from him.. expect only the truth.. that way you can make a decision about this based on hashing it out with him.. Remember in the end you also have your daughter to consider in the mix.. He may explain it all to you and come clean about not being over her. that way you both can deal with it in the open..and get passed it.. Nobody says this needs to break you up.. but you do need to get is resolved Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 16, 2005 Share Posted November 16, 2005 How long have you two been together? You say it's been about 3 years since him and the ex split up - Yet you say When we discuss it, he says that he is proceeding cautiously. I think perhaps there is more to it than just being cautious. There is something wrong with that statement. Which is why I need to know how long you two have been together. If it is less than a year - Then he isn't ready to committ to you or anybody else. If it's longer, then he is worried he'll get hurt again. Not sure if he's putting up the wall for his sake or your sake. Be honest with him and let him know how seeing that picture made you feel. He owes you the respect of being honest with you back. Expect the worst, hope for the best - Hopefully when the talk happens it will be middle ground and can be dealt with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scottstina Posted November 16, 2005 Author Share Posted November 16, 2005 We've been dating exclusively for almost a year (December). We were friendly acquaintances for about 4 months before that. Yes, I've told him I love him and yes, he's told me he loves me as well, but it's not a daily thing we say....it's just kind of known. I honestly think he loves me and that's not what I'm addressing here. I'm concerned about his "attachment(?) to a memory" of this woman who I feel is a ghost in our relationship, who is causing a problem with forward movement. I understand that you can feel appreciative of having some person in your past, that that person has probably shown you a part of life that you may not have otherwise have seen, a new way of looking at things, etc. However, there comes a point when you have to let go of that and look at what you have in your life NOW and stop letting the past hold you back. Art, I definitely don't want this to break us up, and I know it won't, but how does a person go about "letting go?" I've never dealt with this, it's new territory for me. s.t. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 16, 2005 Share Posted November 16, 2005 He needs to "let" her go...Not only out of his heart but his mind too. That takes time and I hope for your sake he is willing to do that. Ask him to put the picture in a box - Away out of sight. She has no place now in his life. Hopefully he can understand, it's not only for your benefit, but for his. He needs to deal with some issues and pain from his past - Until he does that, things will be as they are. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted November 16, 2005 Share Posted November 16, 2005 I definitely don't want this to break us up, and I know it won't, but how does a person go about "letting go?" I think in this case the answer for him to start letting go may be in getting it out on the table in front of you, with you.. force him to deal with it.. He is carrying hurt and if is let alone to deal with this he never will.. He needs to know that the cost of not letting go is you.. Talking with him about it and making him face that it is over with her and you are in his life now is the best way to go about this.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scottstina Posted November 16, 2005 Author Share Posted November 16, 2005 On occasion, conversations will arise where we will talk about her, talk about things that happened in their relationship, about the way she treated him, about how she went into jealous rages, etc. From my understanding the woman was quite volatile and emotionally not completely stable. He never says terrible things about her, only factual things, and he never slams her or makes it out as her being the only reason for the end of their relationship. I have even asked him if he was still hung up on her and he said that no, he wasn't but that he appreciated the part of her life that she shared with him. That's all fine and dandy, but why are their pics of her on the top of a stack of papers in your bedtable? Who knows, maybe something just sparked him to want to look at it again and he just tossed it in the drawer, I have no idea. Wherever it came from it should have been put back. As I said, I am not jealous of her place in his past, but that's where she needs to be......not here and now. I will bring him an empty shoebox tonight and see if maybe we can put some stuff away. I am very grateful to all of you who replied and for giving me a bit of perspective on my situation. Thank you so much for taking the time for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Neptune Posted November 16, 2005 Share Posted November 16, 2005 He is not completely over her which means he is not completely into you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scottstina Posted November 16, 2005 Author Share Posted November 16, 2005 Bingo, Neptune. Which is why I'm here....... If things were rosy, I wouldn't be searching for answers from strangers. Right now, I feel a little lost. Patient, in love and willing to enjoy my time with him, but still a little lost and hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
seachange Posted November 16, 2005 Share Posted November 16, 2005 I don't know...maybe it's a blessing in disguise? You said you've been wondering what's holding him back and keeping him from a deeper commitment - perhaps it will be a good thing to have this as a basis for frank discussion. The best way to banish a ghost is to turn on a light. I know you're hurt and worried, but it sounds to me like there's plenty of room for hope here - provided he's willing to talk about this openly with you. That's an important barometer, I think. Good luck tonight. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 16, 2005 Share Posted November 16, 2005 Just a suggestion - But what if you were to get him to deal with his issues, to go talk to someone professional and sort it out. You shouldn't be second in his heart, that is very unfair to you. Don't put up with that, even though you love him. He may just need time to work through his feelings and then the picture will be more clear. Can you handle something like that? Putting things on hold for him to figure out his heart/head? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Scottstina Posted November 17, 2005 Author Share Posted November 17, 2005 So, I asked him what the photo was doing in the drawer, explained how it innocently enough came to my attention and that I wasn't rummaging, he wasn't mad at me. He said that there's no particular reason why it was there, it was among a bunch of papers and pictures that he had just thrown in there (not sure I believe that, but anyway......). I said that an accessible location like a bedside table isn't really the best place to have kissing photos of your ex-love and he replied that he didn't know about "bedside table etiquette" and what to have or not have in there. It was a place with a drawer for storage and that's all there was to it. He also said that it is a memory of his and he keeps stuff like that (that's fine....we all do). I asked him to put the shoe on the other foot and how would he feel and he didn't really say too much. He said that he's no longer in love with her, or the memory of her, but that a large part of the loss he felt with her was the loss of her son who he really loved. He said that is a big part of why he is so afraid/cautious with me, is that I have children and he doesn't want to feel that loss again, as he is becoming very attached to them. (My question here is, if you have this fear, think about how my children are becoming attached to YOU! If it's not something you want to deal with, then just let us go....which is something I have told him before, we were apart for a few days and he realized that he needed me/wanted me more than he thought) I said, fair enough. I understand that you may not have thought anything about it, but now is the time to put it away. It hurt me, it made me cry, and I would appreciate it if you would put those things away in a box in a closet because they don't need to be so close at hand. He agreed and said he would do some "housekeeping" this weekend. So, what it pretty much boils down to is that I am being penalized for the pain and loss he experienced with another woman and her child. I am not getting the full person that I should be getting and that's not fair. I have known this since the beginning and I have been very patient and understanding with him. I have given him the time and space he needs to "be cautious," but I believe that after a year of being with someone exclusively, you pretty well know whether or not that person has the intention of ripping your heart out or not. We're both in our late 30's so it's not like we're immature or like either one of us is running around looking for the next best thing every weekend. At this point, I will let him clean up the photos and just continue along with our relationship as it has been, we have a great time together and with the kids. However, I feel that being too cautious for too long won't work for me and when the time is right, I will let him know that. s.t. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted November 17, 2005 Share Posted November 17, 2005 I feel that being too cautious for too long won't work for me and when the time is right, I will let him know that. I am sorry for the hurt you are feeling.. it must be hard.. I agree that you need to let him know that it won't work for you.. He needs to know that his holding on to the past will cost him his future Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 17, 2005 Share Posted November 17, 2005 I suggest he go and see a therapist to sort this stuff out. You deserve to have "all" of him and not just "part" of him. I agree with you too, it shouldn't be about "his attachment" to your child, it's the other way around! Even that is a clue that his thought pattern is abit off. Still sounds abit like an excuse, you have every right to question it...I guess now, actions speaks louder than words, so hopefully he can show you instead of just saying the words. Back to the therapy. That isn't a bad thing, the therapist can help him see what is important and help him really let go of his hurts from the past. I said that an accessible location like a bedside table isn't really the best place to have kissing photos of your ex-love and he replied that he didn't know about "bedside table etiquette" and what to have or not have in there. It was a place with a drawer for storage and that's all there was to it. He also said that it is a memory of his and he keeps stuff like that (that's fine....we all do). I asked him to put the shoe on the other foot and how would he feel and he didn't really say too much. The bolded part, that is BULLCRAP and trust me, he knows that isn't cool. He just didn't think, period. Didn't think of the affect it would have on you. Link to post Share on other sites
Judas Christian Posted November 17, 2005 Share Posted November 17, 2005 It's perfectly possible that he just slapped the stuff (pics, etc) into that drawer because it was the closest spot. If he is a disorganized sort of person, it's perfectly sensible - I am, and my wife found all kinds of stuff regarding my ex-wife that I never actually meant to keep, I just never got around to throwing away. Any time she brought something to my attention (as she was doing the housework and whatnot) we'd throw it out, no problem. Finally I said, "You don't have to bring it to my attention - I don't want anything to do with my ex, so if you find something pertaining to her, throw it away - I don't even have to know - trust me, I'm not gonna miss it or know it's gone." That was that. However, I'm not convinced that's what's going on here either. I'm not sure what to think, and people say things to damage control, so you don't know really if the kid part even has anything to do with it in reality. I'd say the bottom line is that he needs to get rid of it. Saving memories, sure sure, but I'm not cool about saving memories of ex-lovers. Those emotions and bonds run so deep that if you don't sever them completely, you're only doing damage to future relationships. Your mind has all the memories it needs - you don't REALLY require photographic evidence of an ex-lover, I think. So, gently but firmly push the issue. It's not entirely acceptable (in my book anyway) if he just puts it in a less accessible area. He doesn't logically need reminders of her or their relationship unless he wants to be reminded so that he can revisit old feelings - those feelings need to die, particularly after 3 years, and they need to be replaced with feelings for you, completely. My two cents. Link to post Share on other sites
penkitten Posted November 19, 2005 Share Posted November 19, 2005 how often do you think he uses that drawer? the papers under it are not even current. the answer is simple, he put it there when he decided to remove it from the table and put it in the drawer because he wasnt ready to stick it in a box and someone over time, this guy has just plain out forgotten about it because hes not using that drawer everyday. Link to post Share on other sites
NYCmitch25 Posted November 19, 2005 Share Posted November 19, 2005 were they nudes, and if so, can I have them ? kidding aside, it isn't a big deal.. Link to post Share on other sites
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