Jealous of my lover

[CaliBiker]

Here's the situation:

 

My lover and I are both married, and have been seeing each other for 7 months. We're in our late 30s. My lover recently told her huisband about me, and now they're seperated--he's out of the house.

 

Recently she went out with her girl friends to go dancing at some clubs. She was very forthcoming about this with me, saying that they went to a bar, and then to a club where they danced for several hours.

 

My problem is that I feel jealous or insecure about this. I also feel that this insecurity is unwarranted, but I feel it nonethless. Is it reasonable to be cool with the fact that she went dancing with her friends? Or is that something I should be jealous about?

 

One other fact: She and I are planning to move-in together. I'm in the process of getting out of my marriage within the next month or two. We have both been in miserable (nonsexual) marriages.

[truth]

seeing as your relationship was spawned out of lies and deceat, what possible good can you expect to come from it? Oh by the way, you may think this woman is all great and what not. But when you finally leave your wife and move in with her I bet you will be in for a rude awakening.

[Scott S]

First, let me say that although I do not condone this, I am attempting to keep in the spirit of the LS board by not being unduly judgmental.

 

This is the problem with engaging in extra-marital relationships. You probably do not want to hear this, but trust, or rather the lack thereof, is a legitimate issue here. If someone is willing to disregard marital vows, how much loyalty & fidelity can s/he be expected to show to someone else? If this happens once, chances are it will happen again. This is a major reason why relationships that begin this way are not known for their successful track records.

 

That's not to say you're doomed to failure, but you both have some obstacles to overcome, & you will both need to keep good communications.

[Tristram]

Hum, lets see how this all turns out in about 6 months. I can offer you no advice except to seriously think about the circumstances in which this relationship begun. I.E. You lieing to and betraying your wife and her lieing to and betraying her husband.

[CaliBiker]

I agree with both of you...and it's something we've both discussed: the fact that we started out by lying and cheating on our spouses. That said, we were both miserable and we'd both made numerous attempts during the course of our 10+ year marriages to rectify things. But neither spouse was willing or able to deal with their issues--primarily the inability to be intimate, in any sense of that word. More, I was faithful to my wife, and she to her husband, prior to our entaglement.

 

I suppose that I do have a level of guilt associated with my actions and that I'm projecting my emotions onto my lover. These feelings come in waves. Never too intense, but there nevertheless. Anyway, it's a relief of sorts to post this on this board and to hear your feedback.

[weescotslassie]

Here's the situation:

 

My lover and I are both married, and have been seeing each other for 7 months. We're in our late 30s. My lover recently told her huisband about me, and now they're seperated--he's out of the house.

 

Recently she went out with her girl friends to go dancing at some clubs. She was very forthcoming about this with me, saying that they went to a bar, and then to a club where they danced for several hours.

 

My problem is that I feel jealous or insecure about this. I also feel that this insecurity is unwarranted, but I feel it nonethless. Is it reasonable to be cool with the fact that she went dancing with her friends? Or is that something I should be jealous about?

 

One other fact: She and I are planning to move-in together. I'm in the process of getting out of my marriage within the next month or two. We have both been in miserable (nonsexual) marriages.

Is the jelousy issue due to the fact she went out with her girlfriends, or is there an underlying reason for you to feel this? By the way, I've just left my bf for my lover and it did not work out. Although everyone is different, please be aware that, although your relationship with your lover seems perfect, understand that it will change as your circumstances change. It's not the same being a lover as it is loving someone and being with them. I hope, for your sake, and your lover's, that this will not be the case. I would hate to think that you have both given up your marriages for something that doesn't work out. When you are both settled into home-life, and she goes out again, will the jelousy rear it's ugly head again? This is definately something you both need to address and discuss. Trust is a difficult thing to give and gain, especially with a relationship that started off on lies and deceipt. I wish you both luck and a happy future together.

[CaliBiker]

Thanks for the input weescotlassie...and sorry to hear your situation did not materialize as planned.

 

After giving this some thought, I think my jealousy is unfounded. I've given her plenty of room to change or end our relationship and she's more into it than ever. That she wants to go out with her friends doesn't bother me...I think my imagine simply got carried away. There's been so much lying, cheating (for lack of a better word), and deceit that it's sometimes difficult to keep straight who's saying what to whom. As far as challenges faced by two people who are having a secret relationship and lying to their respective spouses, there's no doubt that we have more baggage than most. At least in this arena. But we justify our actions and continue on, right or wrong. We're two people who met, fell in love, and are trying to find our way in a difficult world. I hope we succeed but am aware that there are challenges.

 

For anyone reading this and contemplating an affair, understand that longer-term affairs, especially when love enters into the picture, pose a whole array of emotions--fear, joy, envy, anxiety, guilt--that you may never have forseen. It ain't always easy, but it's been worth it. Meeting her has opened my eyes again to what it feels like to be head-over-heels in love. Thanks again folx for you're input.

[clynn]

seeing as your relationship was spawned out of lies and deceat, what possible good can you expect to come from it? Oh by the way, you may think this woman is all great and what not. But when you finally leave your wife and move in with her I bet you will be in for a rude awakening.

 

 

Yes I agree.

 

How can a cheater trust a cheater?

[suzy]

Where to start!

Why are you upset that she went dancing with her friends? Even if you were a legitamate couple, that kind of jealousy should be kept well in check. But, you are not a legit couple so you really do have no claims on her anyway. The day you leave your wife is the day when you can start to put down ground-rules, however, I dont see that going out dancing is an issue anyway, unless she was dancing provocatively with a guy, which would be different. Do you really want this woman though, cos if you do you would be best to leave your wife sooner rather than later, as im sure she may have picked up on the idea that something is wrong by now, and that feeling is horrible to live with. Look before you jump though, cos thes types of relationships that begin with deceipt often end in tears. Make sure that you are doing this for the right reasons ie; you simply cannot be without this o/w. If you have ANY doubt about that and you still love your wife in some fashion, then work on your marriage first, before its too late.

Take care