online dating

[PixieWerks]

Hi all-

 

Briefly - met someone online, dating for a month, and he a)hasn't removed his profile, and b has enrolled in an "alternative" site looking for casual sex. Lesson learned is that I should have discussed my expectations (monogamy) up front, but, when is it appropriate to do this - after all, when you meet online, there's access to you and the other people 24/7 - when does it become clear you are dating exclusively?

[Tony T]

There is no such thing as online dating. If you think there is, prepare yourself for massive heartbreak. Most people who use the Internet to interact with those of the opposite sex in a cyber-intimate fashion do so because:

 

1) They are very married.

 

2) They are otherwise very attached.

 

3) They are very ugly.

 

4) They are very overweight.

 

5) They are afraid of personal closeness or intimacy.

 

6) They have other serious physical or psychological problems.

 

YOU ASK; "when does it become clear you are dating exclusively?"

 

An exclusive dating situation occurs after you have met the individual IN PERSON, began a dating situation, and have mutually decided after a period of dating that you are sufficiently compatible and enjoy each other's IN PERSON company enough to see each other exclusively.

 

If your guy is stupid enough to not remove his profile from the dating site and either stupid enough to tell you he was advertising for casual sex or stupid enough to post in such a fashion that you could easily identify him, WHY IN HEAVEN'S NAME WOULD YOU WANT ANY KIND OF RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM???

 

If the guy is advertising for casual sex and you don't really care about the type of relationship you have, you will not be able to get sexually transmitted diseases he picks up from those he meets if you interact with him only on the Internet.

 

If you do start seeing him in person, be sure he gets tests routinely for STD's.

 

My wish for you is one day you will me someone special in person and have a great relationship.

[pyxiewerks]

There is no such thing as online dating. If you think there is, prepare yourself for massive heartbreak. Most people who use the Internet to interact with those of the opposite sex in a cyber-intimate fashion do so because: 1) They are very married. 2) They are otherwise very attached. 3) They are very ugly. 4) They are very overweight. 5) They are afraid of personal closeness or intimacy. 6) They have other serious physical or psychological problems. YOU ASK; "when does it become clear you are dating exclusively?" An exclusive dating situation occurs after you have met the individual IN PERSON, began a dating situation, and have mutually decided after a period of dating that you are sufficiently compatible and enjoy each other's IN PERSON company enough to see each other exclusively. If your guy is stupid enough to not remove his profile from the dating site and either stupid enough to tell you he was advertising for casual sex or stupid enough to post in such a fashion that you could easily identify him, WHY IN HEAVEN'S NAME WOULD YOU WANT ANY KIND OF RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM??? If the guy is advertising for casual sex and you don't really care about the type of relationship you have, you will not be able to get sexually transmitted diseases he picks up from those he meets if you interact with him only on the Internet.

 

If you do start seeing him in person, be sure he gets tests routinely for STD's. My wish for you is one day you will me someone special in person and have a great relationship.

 

Thanks for the straight talk - I should have been clearer in that I HAVE met him, we HAVE been dating in person, and it's now that I am questioning if I should have made it clear from date one that I wanted monogamy. Thankfully he has been tested for STD's. My main question, again, is when using one of these online dating services, upon meeting and starting to date in person, when do I say "okay, time to be exclusive, pull the profile off-line and stop looking at other women?"

 

[Tony T]

So you are NOT online dating. You are actually seeing this guy in person. That's a whole different story indeed.

 

You would use the same rules as you would in seeing anyone else. And I have already given you the answer. When you feel this person is someone you admire greatly, and the feeling is mutual, and you want to take the relationship to the next level...that's when you tell him to pull the plug on all this online stuff.

 

I guess I'm pretty old fashioned, but I would have nothing to do with dating someone who I knew was advertising for casual sex partners. A person who engages in such sexual objectification (of women, in your case), has got some qualities and issues that will haunt you later.

 

I just don't think there is anyway I could feel good about dating someone I knew was actively seeking casual sex partners.

 

I hope this works out for you.

[pyxiewerks]

Tony-

 

You hit the nail on the head - it's the casual sex solicitation that bothered me - if it was just him still being on the matchmaking service I'd see this as salvagable with a good conversation. The fact he signed up for alt.com personals (BDSM stuff amoung other things) makes me so uncomfortable I'm actually sick with disgust and disappointment. All that remains is for me to end it in a civilized manner. Sigh. Back to the drawing board. Thanks for the voice of reason. Nice to know there's at least one man out there who thinks casual sex gotten online is a bad thing! Thanks aagain!