I've decided, Love is a myth!!

[Soul Searching JJ]

I need help coping. My hubby is addicted to Pot - probably one of the strongest physiological additions psychotherapists have ever seen.

 

I never knew until recently and now it has cause Irrevocable damage to our relationship. Time will never heal the wounds it has caused - I've demanded he leave several times over the past year and he WON't. Now I'm not in a position to make him leave as I am unemployed for the first time in 15years and have 3 children to raise - 10 months, 2.5 yrs and 11.

 

He is financially very irresponsible so I know the kids will not be able to count on him for support if he is not here. I am not willing to give in to his addiction and just live with it. I have lost all love for him. I only have hate and sympathy left - weird combo but still. I've made the decision to let him stay - hide my true very, very deep disgust at least until the kids have grown or I can go back to work. Now I need to learn to cope, hide the shame and NEVER let the kids know.

 

This may not be the best thing to do although it is what I need to do for now. How do you cope? Any suggestions from anyone out there?? How can I get by with faking it for the next several years? I was a hopeless romantic who gave my all - my deepest inner soul, mental and physical devotion, although I have crossed over to the other side and am now ready to dish back what I was given.... HURT in the worst way. I want revenge and weapons to do it with. I may be asking the wrong crowd but I want to know how to do it - I suck at hurting folks - it is not my style although I've had it! And the music is beating a tribal tune....

[Outcast]

Smarten up. Focus on getting a job that will support you. Consider sharing housing. Then get out. Dreams of revenge are foolish and will only hurt you. If he's addicted, he's addicted. Nothing to take 'revenge' over. Use your time and energy to move on, not to obsess on hate. You'll only poison your whole family with your mood.

[lilmoma1973]

I know that pot is that bad but it can cost an awful alot and being very addictive take away from your relationship and your pocket book!! Get out of this situation for you and your family he is doing drugs and not setting an example for your children!!

[Soul Searching JJ]

Smarten up. Focus on getting a job that will support you. Consider sharing housing. Then get out. Dreams of revenge are foolish and will only hurt you. If he's addicted, he's addicted. Nothing to take 'revenge' over. Use your time and energy to move on, not to obsess on hate. You'll only poison your whole family with your mood.

 

THE HOUSE IS MINE - he moved in with me. I had a job, a life and a dream that having a complete family was possible. I married at 20yrs old to my high school guy of 3yrs when I was 4 months pregnant. He wanted to stay in this little town of his and never go anywhere else - me - I wanted life - adventure - travel - knowledge - all that bull Sh** young dumb kids want but think it will just happen. Well it is like playing the lotto unless you take the steps to make it real.

 

I had plans to dump Mr. Small town - bar stool Tommy, and leave to ASU in just months but instead of facing him I just stopped calling. He visited me to find out why and before I knew it, my dreams went up in smoke. One month after I dumped him I found out I was pregnant from that visit. We married, he drank and drank and never left that bar stool. I divorced him just one year later and was a single mom of a 1yr old.

 

I worked midnights and stayed up all day so my son never knew I was gone. I rented a house so we would have a back yard and a swing....raised him all alone (of course with the loving support of family). It was LONELY. I dated only one guy over the next 5 yrs until I met my now husband. He was my night in shining armor. He was everything I ever wanted and more. He was the father I wanted for my son and the partner I was desperate for.

 

WAKE UP CALL....we dated for 1.5yrs and then just two weeks after we were married the secrets began to creep out. First the sad ones like - he was severely abused as a child and has severe depression, anxiety, ADD... then the parental issues like - his dad abused him and his mom lived in town but left him there...so he had difficulty respecting women.... WHAT - this coming from a guy who had so much southern charm and class that I never had to open a door when I was around him but suddenly couldn't get him to understand why it's wrong to share nude photos and email with strangers online.

 

Then I found the stash - UNBELIEVABLE - he knows I am AVID about NO DRUGS. The list goes on. WHY do I want revenge? Because I was still young and had a second chance at happiness and he took that from me. I had so much to offer someone who was true. He lied to me about everything - even admitted it!!! He saw everything in me that he was not and pretended to be someone else just to "get me". Now I have two children by this guy and I'm facing a second divorce. I SWORE I would never marry again until he came along. Now I'm ruined, my children will suffer the agony of divorced parents - I saw my first son suffer - I CAN’T do that to the younger kids - I saw what it did to my oldest.

 

I blame myself for being NAIVE enough to think that a family was possible. My parents have been married for 40yrs and I am one of 7. All I ever wanted was a hardworking, honest family guy. I ended up with a drunk for my first husband and a druggie for my second. I am a shamed of me.

 

He is not capable of actually being the person he made me think he was. He kept it up for as long as he could and now, I'm the one who fixes things around the house while he is tending to his needs. I'm the one who is siding the house - yes me on a ladder with a tool belt - while he is out hunting. I'm the one who has to be responsible for everything. I was OK with that when I was alone but not when I have a husband who is fully capable of helping.

 

I've done everything for him - was supportive... and I've lost ALL my dreams - I've had it - don't want any more part of this mess and am PISSED. I want to hurt him so bad - my mouth bleeds when I think about it.

 

HOW selfish he was to take dreams from me and poison both my and my children's lives with his filthy person and lies. I HATE HIM - want to crush him. At least my first husband was real - a real looser but an honest one.

 

Men like my hubby are predators - sociopath - have no regret or conscience. I've learned how he looks into people - finds their weaknesses and then plays into that - it is sick. I've seen him take on different personalities just to "fit into" situations. He took something from me and I want to take something from him. I want so bad to see him suffer....

 

I have some serious anger issues right now - SH*T I could probably use some pot - JOKE.

[SmoochieFace]

I ended up with a drunk for my first husband and a druggie for my second.

 

 

Perhaps you can channel your anger from wanting to *destroy* your husband to conducting some self-reflection on why you chose those two men as your husband. There is a pattern here and you now have an opportunity to explore why it exists.

[Outcast]

THE HOUSE IS MINE

 

You misunderstand. I mean consider getting a roommate.

 

Men like my hubby are predators - sociopath - have no regret or conscience.

 

Not at all. If he has ADD and was abused, his own subconscious is involved with self-protection, meaning making him do whatever it takes to be liked and accepted. He knows he has flaws and that's why he hid them. People will go to great lengths to receive love and acceptance and certainly hiding their flaws is not unique to 'sociopaths'. The fact of the matter is that he has had such a rotten life that his whole psyche is too busy trying to take care of and protect him that it has no room for you.

 

This is not his fault. He didn't ask to have psychological conditions or to be abused. This is what happens to children who are mistreated and the very reason why children need to be nurtured, loved, and taken care of if there are psychological issues in their youth - if not, they grow up into this kind of man.

 

He was my night in shining armor. He was everything I ever wanted and more. He was the father I wanted for my son and the partner I was desperate for.

 

And here is what happened: NOBODY is a 'knight in shining armour' and NOBODY is 'everything'. People are just human, but loneliness and desperation cause us to refuse to see the warning signs that are right in front of our noses. We cling to someone that seems suitable because we BADLY need a 'knight in shining armour'.

 

What you found out is that he is a human being with a lot of flaws. There is no need to 'destroy' him. He's already been destroyed by his own parents and his lifetime of difficulties. That's why he's not a good spouse and probably never will be.

 

So again I say focus on taking care of your own future and drop the anger. He can't help who he is. He was a blank slate and the way he was treated turned him into the man he is. Why do people have compassion for abused children but not for the adults they turn out to be? Can you honestly expect someone to come back from parental abuse and live a totally happy and productive life? Yes, a few people manage that but humans are born with differing levels of resiliency - some damage much more easily.

 

He's addicted to pot because he's self-medicating. He probably would refuse to see a psychiatrist to get properly prescribed meds to help him feel better - so he turns to illegal meds instead. Thank your lucky stars it's at least not coke or meth that he chose to medicate himself with.

 

Try to find some compassion for that man who was a little, lost, scared boy with terrible parents. You are mad because you allowed your wish to be rescued to pull you into a relationship with a difficult person. Learn from this for next time.

[Soul Searching JJ]

Great advice - the catch is I've already seen him through this X 4 and felt sorry for him for so long that he obviously doesn’t take me seriously anymore and uses my pity in his favor.

 

I do feel sorry for him. However, this does not change that he pulled me into his lies and now I'm living with a drug addict and this is supposed to be OK?

 

He has seen psychologists and has been prescribed meds - he is completely unfaithful in taking them. He prefers Pot.

 

I hate him not because he does Pot - to each their own - but because he knew how strong I felt about this and dragged me and the kids into his mess anyhow. Not only have I had to adjust to a whole DIFFERENT person - a total slob in every way - but I am having to sacrifice my own values to stay with a guy who has done nothing but lie, cause heartache and pain???

 

This is why people should ALWAYS be themselves. It is so unfair to cheat someone out of a chance to find the right person.

 

I don't think there is a pattern I followed, just BAD luck. After my X turned out to be a drunk I made sure I never got involved with a drunk or a druggie. I talked very clearly about how I felt about drugs and drinking to make sure there would be no mistakes. It is not like I knew my now Hubby was a Pot-head. This is why I am so angry. I made so sure to be so safe about whom I dated, what their habits were and how well we thought alike.

 

A whole lot of good it did me - I should have taken blood and hair samples before I said "I do" to be tested.

 

Do you realize how terrible it is to assume that someone would just change their life long values in a blink and just roll with the punches???? This is what he is doing to me... I can't just negotiate how I feel deep down inside about family life, drugs, sex, marriage, kids, money... all of it - because these are just some of the things that he has lied about. Now it is quite apparent how different we are now that the lies are surfacing...

 

I am in my 30's and have strong ideas about how I feel - it took me a long time to settle on my identity - I'm set into my ways now and he is expecting me to CHANGE all of that - just accept drugs into our relationship and our family and move on to accepting a pig sty for a home, no money for the kids because daddy likes to spend it on Pot, internet porn, threatening phone calls from collectors because he is completely irresponsible for even the little bills....

 

I'm at my boiling point. I know I want him to get out of my life for ever right now although I will probably sting him along for a while and then when he least expects it - WHAM - he won't see it coming and I hope it hurts as much as he has hurt me. This whole two wrongs don't make a right is bull - I am finally going to do something for me once in my life and I know it will feel damn good.

[Soul Searching JJ]

I know that pot is that bad but it can cost an awful alot and being very addictive take away from your relationship and your pocket book!! Get out of this situation for you and your family he is doing drugs and not setting an example for your children!!

 

Exactly how expensive is it? If he is smoking daily? I know his cig's (another thing he hid from me - he is a closet smoker - doesn't do it in front of me) cost prob around $200 a month - what about the pot? This makes me sick as I carried health and dental insurance for the family with my last job for 10yrs. Now that I am home - private insurance costs about $400-$500/mo and we haven't been able to afford it. So the kids are uninsured right now - scares me to death! I'm going to go thru the roof if his addictions are the reason we can't afford insurance...