Breaking the Cycle...

[la_luna]

Sorry it's a long one...

 

Nearly six months ago, a close friend of 3 years declared that he was in love me. Having felt the same about him for a long time, I couldn't believe my luck and I'm still overjoyed. He's been living with me ever since, and for the most part quite harmoniously, i think.

 

He is very attentive, but I sometimes doubt how genuine his feelings are. He only mentioned his feelings towards me at the end of his only longterm relationship which i think was quite unrequited for him, and although we both find it hard being apart, we live off my student grant and he's failed to look sufficiently for work since we got together.

 

I also feel that my insecurity arises from a lack of communication between us, i am confident i can deal with anything he tells me, but when i try to talk tentavily about issues that i feel are important he usually shrugs me off and i end up feeling ignored and unvalued.

 

It seems I can only gain his attention when my frustration has built up into a brief but passionate outburst, making him angry and annoyed and escalating into an argument, for which we both seem to feel i'm to blame. Though i accept the issue itself may seem small, he accuses me of 'making trouble for no reason, every day' and after explaining why i'm upset (several times) he doesn't seem to listen, because his attitude ramains just as blameful.

 

These confrontations usually end either with his determination to leave the house and/or my breaking down and apologising. Either way, my initial assertiveness eventually gives way to utter guilt - we can't seem to find an alternative.

 

As he is aware, this scenario is nothing new for me and I've seen it spiral into physical and mental abuse from two previous long term partners. I'm so frightened that this relationship will end the same way, its as though i'm stuck in some 'Groundhog Day' nightmare because he says and acts exactly how the other 'rotten apples' did. Although i've had normal relationships before, i wonder if i'm instigating it, or that the trouble i've had in the past just gives him an excuse not to take responsibility for any part in our problems.

 

Earlier today, after a similar situation he walked out several times to go and stay with a friend, until each time i begged him to stay. it made me angry that he could leave when i was so upset and things were so unresolved - he often does this, and every time he returns the issue is apparently forgotten.

 

So i asked him not to go this time, i though we'd be better off if we could talk and understand eachother and i told him about a traumatising incident that happened to me a few years ago. I didn't feel very comfortable telling him, although he appeared to listen and was quite caring, he seemed to have half an eye on the TV. He didn't say much, but later i felt a bit better and he said he'd me a nice cook dinner.

 

I still felt guilty that he hadn't gone out as i knew he wanted to, but even though i was still upset underneath, my concerns seemed already forgotten. His friend rang and he told him he would set off immediately. He left me with a peck on the check and a groaning belly...

 

i feel numb. I think i should break up with him, but i do love him. Am i driving him away or driving us both mad?! How do i deal with it?

 

Thanks x

[d'Arthez]

I think there are quite a few issues you are trying to deal with. And you cannot expect that your boyfriend understands everything, and can deal with it all. I would certainly suggest professional counseling, if you can get it. Given that you live on students loans, counseling at the university might be a good option, even if you have limited means.

 

With regards to your boyfriend, and your relationship with him, the way he behaves, and the lack of constructive communication in the relationship is a worrying sign.

 

Even if you would not break up seems, it would naturally progress to that, if the two of you do not start to address the issues in a more constructive way. There is no denying that.

And breaking up is certainly not a bad move to make. He has issues himself (work, to name the most prominent one), and does not treat you right.

 

And perhaps you may be subconsciously selecting people who behave like him, and your two exes of before. The fact that there is a pattern, may give you insights as well. Try to find out what is common to the three, and why you did not give more weight to these behaviors before getting in a relationship with them.

[weescotslassie]

Sorry it's a long one...

 

Nearly six months ago, a close friend of 3 years declared that he was in love me. Having felt the same about him for a long time, I couldn't believe my luck and I'm still overjoyed. He's been living with me ever since, and for the most part quite harmoniously, i think.

 

He is very attentive, but I sometimes doubt how genuine his feelings are. He only mentioned his feelings towards me at the end of his only longterm relationship which i think was quite unrequited for him, and although we both find it hard being apart, we live off my student grant and he's failed to look sufficiently for work since we got together.

 

I also feel that my insecurity arises from a lack of communication between us, i am confident i can deal with anything he tells me, but when i try to talk tentavily about issues that i feel are important he usually shrugs me off and i end up feeling ignored and unvalued.

 

It seems I can only gain his attention when my frustration has built up into a brief but passionate outburst, making him angry and annoyed and escalating into an argument, for which we both seem to feel i'm to blame. Though i accept the issue itself may seem small, he accuses me of 'making trouble for no reason, every day' and after explaining why i'm upset (several times) he doesn't seem to listen, because his attitude ramains just as blameful.

 

These confrontations usually end either with his determination to leave the house and/or my breaking down and apologising. Either way, my initial assertiveness eventually gives way to utter guilt - we can't seem to find an alternative.

 

As he is aware, this scenario is nothing new for me and I've seen it spiral into physical and mental abuse from two previous long term partners. I'm so frightened that this relationship will end the same way, its as though i'm stuck in some 'Groundhog Day' nightmare because he says and acts exactly how the other 'rotten apples' did. Although i've had normal relationships before, i wonder if i'm instigating it, or that the trouble i've had in the past just gives him an excuse not to take responsibility for any part in our problems.

 

Earlier today, after a similar situation he walked out several times to go and stay with a friend, until each time i begged him to stay. it made me angry that he could leave when i was so upset and things were so unresolved - he often does this, and every time he returns the issue is apparently forgotten.

 

So i asked him not to go this time, i though we'd be better off if we could talk and understand eachother and i told him about a traumatising incident that happened to me a few years ago. I didn't feel very comfortable telling him, although he appeared to listen and was quite caring, he seemed to have half an eye on the TV. He didn't say much, but later i felt a bit better and he said he'd me a nice cook dinner.

 

I still felt guilty that he hadn't gone out as i knew he wanted to, but even though i was still upset underneath, my concerns seemed already forgotten. His friend rang and he told him he would set off immediately. He left me with a peck on the check and a groaning belly...

 

i feel numb. I think i should break up with him, but i do love him. Am i driving him away or driving us both mad?! How do i deal with it?

 

Thanks x

Ok, you need to get rid of this lazy letch. He isn't even mature enough to face up to and address the problems/issues/arguments between the both of you. You need to get help with this. Don't let him use you like this, it's not right. If he really does love you, he would want to be out there looking for a job to help support you, and contribute. He should be ashamed. I think you could do with joining a martial arts club. They will help you re-gain your self-esteem, and you will grow in confidence. It will also provide you with self defence techniques should you need to protect yourself from any other "rotten apples". Once you have gotten rid of him, take some time out for yourself. When you are ready to look for another relationship, take it slowly, don't jump straight into the deep end. Get to know him first, and find out what YOU want from a man. Good luck, let me know what happens.

[mememememe]

i don't know what your past is, or how you view relationships, but he is not a man.

 

if he was a man, and a man you deserve, he would be WORKING. TRYING to provide for you.

 

he sounds like he is using you as a crutch in more ways than one. i would seriously get rid of him, no matter how attached you are.

[westernxer]

i would seriously get rid of him, no matter how attached you are.

 

I told her the same thing in another post.