Can You Explain Why The Impulse is There to BreaK NC?

[In Sync]

Sometimes I get the strongest urge to break NC and the tension is really strong I find myself almost reaching for the phone and then like a minute later it's gone. Like a flash fever. This is happening lately..like its my latest sympton. What is that all about. I know that calling or contacting him will be a major setback, but have you ever gone through these intense impulses.

[reader]

Flash Fever is exactly what it feels like.

 

I still have them for someone and he was only a very good friend. It was a very intense friendship at a time where we were both feeling vulnerable.

 

I wanted to call him today, at the time I used to talk to him on a regular basis. I didn't call, but felt really bad about the whole thing.

 

It doesn't happen every day, but when it does it knocks the wind out of my sales and I feel so sad.

 

BUT, I know if I call, he will get what he needs and I'll feel empty, so I just call a friend or someone who gives me what I give them, and try to get over it.

 

Hang in there.

 

Reader

[reader]

Um, that was sails, not sales!

 

Tired...

 

Reader

[sadfish]

Oh i've had that urge A LOT lately. I'm on 1 month of NC with my ex, and everytime he sends me an email i feel nauseous, even though it's just those stupid chain emails and the like. Particularly now because i have learned that he and his latest have hit a rough patch, possibly broken up. I want so badly to talk to him, and i'm so torn with what to do, but my gut says to keep NCing--if he wants to get in touch with me that badly, he knows how, and i can't risk ripping open this still very much trying to heal wound...even though i miss him something terrible

[Art_Critic]

I know that calling or contacting him will be a major setback,

 

I don't know if you ever stop wanting to contact.. I think when you finally move on those impulses are just not on the surface anymore for you to see.

[johan]

The urge to call or email comes from thinking there is something you can do. When you are convinced there is nothing you can do or that it's the other person who should be doing the work, then there is no urge.

[J dub]

my gut says to keep NCing--if he wants to get in touch with me that badly, he knows how, and i can't risk ripping open this still very much trying to heal wound...even though i miss him something terrible

Stick with it sadfish, you'll be so glad you did. The wound comment reminded me of something I said a long time ago regarding my ex (at the time) and what my interpretation of NC meant.

 

NC is like a band-aid safeguard on your healing heart, and by opening the wound (contacting the ex) youre bound for some sort of infection and a "restart" in the healing process. Or something like that.

[Natalie05]

I noticed on this post that all the females posted about having the urge to break no contact - is this more predominant for women? Do guys have these same urges?

 

I've been going thru this for several months. Sheer willpower has prevented me from contacting him. I started to send him an email - had it stuck in my draft folder and almost sent it - then I went in and deleted it.

 

I think it's the unknown that plays tricks with your mind - you wonder what your ex is doing, are they missing you, etc. If someone has a miraculous cure to stop thinking about an ex I'd sure like to hear it. EVERYTHING reminds me of him.

[In Sync]

I think it's the unknown that plays tricks with your mind - you wonder what your ex is doing, are they missing you, etc. If someone has a miraculous cure to stop thinking about an ex I'd sure like to hear it.

 

Every insight given by you all has been taken in by me. Seems like the only magic bullet it boils down to is Sheer Willpower.

[In Sync]

Geeez,

I just had one of those intense moments again, so I immediately jumped here to avert doing something stupid. Any words of intervention are greatly appreciated at this moment...this too shall pass I find myslef saying over and over.

[JS17]

DON'T DO IT

 

how was that?

[In Sync]

From one kitten to another! Thanks..that was close.

[d'Arthez]

Add another kitten to that:

 

Don't break NC. You will feel worse.

 

In Sync your avatar is cute. If that is your kitty, try to get some company from him / her.

 

Don't break NC. You will feel worse.

[billskrill]

I'm a male and have had the urge to call my ex everyday since I've started NC. I guess it's because first of all I used to talk to her everyday and now I don't and ofcourse because I miss her. I tell myself contacting her won't accomplish a thing but it's still hard. Just remind yourself that if you contact your ex what will happen? You'll feel worse than you did and your ex won't have a chance to see what life is like without there at all. There really is no logical reason to contact your ex. Last night was hard on me as I was sitting at home by myself and was very lonely. I so much wanted to call my ex but I realized that wouldn't do anything but make things worse. Just be strong everyone and things will improve.

 

P.S. I hope so much that my ex gf just feels some of the lonliness that I feel. I also ask myself if she cared so much about me why doesn't she call me now??? Hell I still love her and am not calling her so just because your ex doesn't call doesn't necessarily mean they don't care about you but I'm not trying to give anyone false hope they may come back but I really don't believe they can go from loving you to not giving a sh*t with so little time in between.

[kitten chick]

Hooray for the kitten gathering!!!

 

D'Arthez is right, you know you'll feel worse if you break it so throw your phone out the window.

[In Sync]

YES! THE KITTENS ARE IN THE HOUSE TONIGHT!!! ROCKIN' LS!

 

It's a really strange sensation, almost like a panic attack but not quite so severe but still I'll have obessessive thoughts anervous pit in my chest and a thought flashes 'call him call him' And I begin thinking he'll be his old self...but then it passes just like a wave. Now I know the english bastard will say something cryptic and cutting so no, having experienced enough of that when I with him, I won't set myself up to be shot down with a new barbed remark. The mind is a wicked thing after a breakup.

[brooke7777]

I'm having strong urges to call today too! I've gone about three weeks since we last spoke and I am just feeling like I need answers and clarification to certain things. I know that most likely he cannot provide me with answers and if he does they probably will not be answers that I want to hear. I know that calling him will most likely end up adding to my devastation, yet somehow, I still have such strong urges to call. The mind has such strange ways sometimes...it knows that things are wrong, yet it yearns for them. It's like my mind is constanting testing me.

[smile95]

in sync...are you not the one who told me(beth5201-had to change my name) that I was obsessing a few weeks back and to move on with myself? I really 100% know what you are feeling right now, but it is NOT going to get better with just time. I came to the conclusion that time was doing nothing for me, it was how I was choosing to spend my time that was hurting me. On LS, crying, thinking of memories, literally thinking of him 24-7......Do you think one day you will just snap out of feeling this way? You won't. You commented on how long I have been on this website with the same issue and that is proof alone that time does NOT heal all. It is how you spend you time. I know LS helped me so much, but since I slowed down for a while, I do not think of the ex much since I am not writing about him and thinking about him. I do not condone breaking NC AT ALL since you are doing awesome, but that was the only way that I started to heal again. I got my answers from him. Everyone is different. When your mom passed, how was he to you? Caring? Sweet? Was he truly concerned? One thing that helped me a lot was to make a list of what I wanted in a man. List it all. Then list how many of those qualitites your ex had. You will see that you deserve so much better. I am no where near recovered, but NC was not for me. If I had not broken it, I would still be sick to my stomach and wondering what he was thinking and doing. Every situation is diffrent. All factors of the relationship need to be considered when doing NC> Someone said n LS once that NC cannot be used if you still love them. Only if you want them out of your life. I wish you the best and pray that you get better. What would be the best outcome for you if you could plan it out in your head.....is he the one that cheated on you? (sorry if I am confusing you with someone else)? What would it take to make you at peace with it all. Do you have unanswered questions? Or do you miss the "old HIm"?

 

You helped me so much and I just want you to try and figure out why you have this urge...not just saying that you miss him....

 

Maybe today will be a better day for you!

[bendit]

IS...

 

Time IS your friend. Continue to do the work...process..forgive, him, yourself, everyone you can think of and time will be your friend. Get through this tough period and day by day you will feel better. In six months, I will wager that you are going to be in a much much better place, rarely thinking about "him" at all. I have discovered that this can be a richly rewarding time in our lives, perhaps one we Needed to go through! Best of luck.

 

regards

[In Sync]

smile95 and the rest,

 

Sometimes it is easier to see and advise someone that I see is going through a rough patch, than to advise and listen to myself. I don't undersatand why I think callimg or e-mailing the ex would alleviate my anxiety. In my fanatsy land, I see him be humble and warm and happy that I did break the ice. In my realistic world I know just by contacting him I'll feel like crap again, because he won't say the things I want to hear or worse he'll ignore my call or e-mail.

But the big question for me is WHY CAN'T I MOVE ON. AM I SOME KIND OF FREAK?? HE WAS MEAN TO ME! AND VERBALLY ABUSIVE and yet all I keep remembering are the good times and how it felt when I was with him in his arms. AND THOSE THOUGHTS ARE NOT going away with time. And I'm scared that he got the best of me..I feel defeated and he's been able to move on. And everyday while dealing with the dismantling of my mom's place and her things I'm reminded that this is too much. Why can't I have just a little happiness. Time does not feel like my friend because each moment I'm reminded that he's moved on and I have nothing.

[smile95]

smile95 and the rest,

 

But the big question for me is WHY CAN'T I MOVE ON. AM I SOME KIND OF FREAK?? HE WAS MEAN TO ME! AND VERBALLY ABUSIVE and yet all I keep remembering are the good times and how it felt when I was with him in his arms. AND THOSE THOUGHTS ARE NOT going away with time. And I'm scared that he got the best of me..I feel defeated and he's been able to move on. And everyday while dealing with the dismantling of my mom's place and her things I'm reminded that this is too much. Why can't I have just a little happiness. Time does not feel like my friend because each moment I'm reminded that he's moved on and I have nothing.

 

I know just how you feel. I think what upset me most was knowing that I did nothing wrong, he did, and here I am the onw hurting~ How could I love him after all he did? Sometimes the good memories really stick when I wish it was the other way around. YOu are going thru so much but remember that for every horrible things that happens, God pays you back two fold with the good blessings in life. He knows your heart and what you deserve. Have faith that your life will turn around. Have a good attitude each day and it really makes a difference.

[sadfish]

InSync,

 

Please know that you are not alone in feeling this way. I beat myself up over thinking about how easily it seemed for him to move on and now has this new relationship. How can someone who dumped you be *allowed* to be happy so quickly? It's a total blow to the ego, confidence, etc, and then i get even madder at myself for letting it all take my energy and spirit away. I try to convince myself that what goes around comes around, but even that isn't very comforting most of the time. We just have to feel our pain because, think about it, at least we ARE feeling something, whereas it seems they (the dumpers) are not. Paints them as pretty cold. But i am with you--try to stay strong!!

[brittanyjean259]

i tried nc, than broke it...but not like it had matterd any way, he hasnt spoken to me.

 

there are impulses because were so used to being with them that it feels kinda werid just not talking to them. and if we see that there not talking to us it makes things a little tougher but the more you hold on to it the easier it gets, and the more you talk to them the harder it gets to not talk to them.

[d'Arthez]

In Sync,

 

you are not a freak because of that. Most people want to see the good in people, remember the good times and such. Because these things are what makes life worthwhile.

 

You have nothing? You must be joking. Your emotional health - even though it needs some time to recover. The idea that you deserve better than the idiot who once was such a big part of your life.

 

What does the ex have? Everything? He is still an abusive idiot. By breaking up, he has not suddenly seen the light. Far from it.

 

It is not time that is of the essence, but your realization that the both of you are better of without each other. He will be as abusive as he was with you, if not more - but that is for other people to deal with, as long as he does not do so himself.

 

And you? You deserve way better than what you had. And that is where the memories are interfering. Because they make it seem, that what you had was indeed a lot better. Remind you of the bad times you had with him too, the moments these "happy memories" arise.

 

You are trying to sort out the factual past and the emotional past - which are wildly different (blame physiology). He may not do that - but whether that is a positive thing is open for debate.

 

The urges will be there, and will be there for some time. Do not punish yourself excessively if you make a small mistake, or have such an urge.

[In Sync]

d'Arthez,

From the bottom of my heart it means alot to know that someone cares enough to help me now, I do appreciate your wisdom here. that goes for everyone.

I guess I wanted to come out on top with this guy. Didn't want to feel I was a loser at love...again. I would even accept a s***ty relationship if it meant I deluding myself into thinking "see he still wants me.to be with me." Nevermind the fact he's a jerk. 2+ years is a lot a delusion. So these urges are still part of that, see.