Can You Explain Why The Impulse is There to BreaK NC?

[reader]

How is NC now? Is it any easier?

 

My situation is getting easier, but it was only a friendship thing, with some potential, not a relationship, so it might be easier for me...

 

What I have found, is that I have stopped waiting for a phone call or looking for an email. I deleted the info from my cell phone, so I couldn't call even if I wanted to.

 

I decided that I have something to offer, and if it is appreciated, great, if not, there is nothing I can do, and I need to surround myself with people that give back.

 

I'm in focus, with school, work, kids, etc., and I like being in this place a lot better.

 

Reader

[JohnJohn]

I feel defeated and he's been able to move on.

 

This is because he is an abusive person and has gotten under your skin. Don't let this defeat you. It's your choice. It is hard to go through, as I can attest to as well as everyone else on here, but it's the only sane thing to do. Don't allow him to destroy your self-esteem and dignity like this. It's like fighting a war - you have to win one battle at a time. When you have those memories of all the good times, counter them with the bad. Write them down to remind you if that helps. It did for me.

 

Sometimes we all need a lesson like this in life to make us stronger. Everybody plays the fool (remember that song?) sometimes. It's a question of how many times you're going to play it and to what level. That's your choice again. Learn from it and emerge a stronger woman because of it, which will allow you to have a more successful relationship in the future.

[In Sync]

Though it's not as strong as it had been, these occassional spurts do get me down, because I feel like he's still got a pull on me. why do these impulses persists. I get so disappointed with myself that I haven't licked this part of my recovery. Intellectually I know it's absurd but I catch myself feeling this pull to e-mail him a line. Will it ever cease?

[sadfish]

I'm right there with you today, InSync...i've been fighting the urge big time to email him this week for some reason. Maybe because it's been 6 weeks of NC and the holidays and pimping of togetherness everywhere you look. I've been doing NC to just help myself get over him and move forward, but i feel like i can't even get one step ahead because i am paranoid that he thinks i hate him and never want to speak to him again, which isn't the case at all. I'm using NC for me, but i feel like it's almost damaging me more at times because it really hurts to think that he might feel i hate him I'm so confused with what to do because not talking to someone, i feel, is SO out of character for me, but i do know what it is meant to do for me, so it's a real tough choice. I'm very lonely, i'll admit it, and i just feel like i'm sinking more every day instead of rising up. *sigh*

 

I just want something good to happen, soon.

[itwontdawnsooner]

you wait and wait...

 

you feel like, if things get any worse, what the hell is the point? at least i did. if you still care what they feel, you haven't quite erased them yet.

 

nc is about moving on, but in order to do that, its a forceful "erasure".... no more anything, completely cut off, its like trying to erase a memory (which you know ALL TOO WELL is impossible)...

 

with time, memories do become less powerful. but if you keep reliving them, they stay for a long time.

 

encouragment? you can make it. and even if you break NC, and are a wreck for a while, you will make it. you must! realize, you did the best you could at the time, youre doing the best you can now, and nobody, including YOURSELF should expect more than that.

[smile95]

In Sync....when you lost your mother, did you expect your ex to be nice and check on you and be concerned? I just lost my grandma and I thought that would make mine concerened. We have been talking as "friends" for a month and he ha told me he loves me and I was hoping I could turn him. He is not here for me. I hate it. Did your ex offer a lot of support? Have you heard from him since? I was just wondering during your loss if you just wanted to have someone to love you...that is how I feel now and it hurts even more to want it and not get it from him like I need and deserve.

 

The holidays make it worse!

[In Sync]

smile95

Here is how it happened. I informed him about the loss of my mother. It was simply to much for my emotional state to handle. That I said F***it, I had to reach for the only thing to ease the pain of what I was feeling. In the past despite the crap in the relationship he was someone I thought I could count on. I had the habit of always callin him. NC was out the window. It did did silly because of the situation. Like I assumed surely he could be compassinate at my darkest hour. I only e-mailed him.. I couldn't bring myself to call him. (intuition maybe) anyway he responded as a human being

would. But he did write that "After things calm down, let's meet for coffee." I responded by saying thanks and really just tried to be honest saying how difficult the whole loss was for me. He followed up with another e-mail detailing his new active social life (How he went skydiving with his new friends, only he dropped mention of going out for coffee and I never followed up by encouraging it. I kept it civil and chatty.) Then he just never wrote me again. I don't know what made him stop. It's been over a month. There was no argument or harsh word or any exchange like that it just died. Nothing. That's why I guess I have an urge to see what happened but I guess that would be opening myself for more hurt. Did I imagine he would become less selfish and grow up and look beyond his me-ism and maybe we could talk again, I think I did. I was hurting so badly I wanted peace of mind and if that meant it coming from him..meeting for coffee I would have accepted. But maybe the divine powers God whatever anyone believes in spiritually intervened and let him disappear for my own sake. STILL it is unmofrotable to keep wanting to reach out to him. He is simply not capable of giving back. AND I suspect your ex Beth is similiar, he cannot give back the warmth and compassion we yearn for.

[smile95]

In Sync...my ex and I were talking for a month, and he was (like you said) like any other human. He was caring, but nothing like I would have wanted. Still selfish and could not amke time for me. Told me he wanted to see me soon(prob just to sound nice). I guess I really wanted him to change or prove that in a tough time, he would be the man I needed. He is not. He will never be. It was a reality check. We still talk, but I do not want to beg the man to call me and see how I am doing, he should know. I guess I was asking too much. sucks.

[JS17]

When my mom got sick 2 months ago and when my grandmother passed away this week I didn't contact my ex to tell him. Back when we were friends he probably would have been there for me, on the surface at least. After we dated I saw the kind of person he really is and if I had told him when these things happened he wouldn't care. I'd probably get a "sorry to hear that" and never hear from him again. I know this so what would the point of letting him know about my family? He doesn't care about me and he doesn't care about my family. My friends do though, so that's who I went to. Your N's can not be your rocks anymore, you have to find another support system be it family, friends, a councelor....whoever, anyone but your ex because he won't be their for either of you. These experiences made me realize that he needs to firmly be put in my past.

[In Sync]

JS17 I love the PIC...it's perrfect!

 

When I write out what happened to me it's theraputic...because it happened and hopefully aside from you anyone if it touches and stops them from doing something like I did..good. I hope it serves that point. Yet this is how the mind works when one is complete denial or goes on with the last shred of hope.

[JS17]

That's great. If writing helps you then keep doing it. Do you keep a journal? It might be helpful since you're more likely to write completely openly in a private place such as a journal as opposed to a public place, this forum. It has helped me a lot in the past.

 

gotta love the kitties

[smile95]

hi girls....If I were doing NC, I probably would not have even told him(who am I kidding-as I wrote that, I ad to laugh) . Well my point is...we were talking for a month again as friends and it happened and I told him. I thought he may care, but you are right NS17. N's do not care. I keep forgetting that! I keep forgetting he is not this man I built up! How eye opening it is to have a tragedy happen and you see who truly are your friends. All my friends are here for me and the one person I wanted comfort from is not giving me any except a fake call here and there(usually after I ask him to call). He say she loves me and again, actions are lacking. If anything, I have been hit with reality again that he cannot and will not change. As much as we love each other (and we do still) he is not the man I can see growing old with.

 

It helps me to write on here too. Still trying to sort thru all these emotions. I no longer wonder what he is doing or thinking, but now I just wonder why I am not important enough to care about. I will NOT focus my attn on him this week at the funeral and with my family.

 

It really goes to show me that I need to move along and keep him at a distance and never get my hopes up again.

[bendit]

IS, you had to go back to square one when you contacted him about your mother. even that little contact effected you as if you were still in the relationship. I am sorry you broke contact but now it makes much more sense why you are still hurting. Because you count from your last contact, you only have one month of NC in the bag and it takes two or three months to get strong and healthy.

 

I hope you don't break NC again because now you see how it sets you back almost to square one. You broke up in April but your last contact was in early November. I broke up in late July but my last contact was in early September. So I now have three months of NC in the bag and I feel powerful and strong.

 

When you contacted him about your mother, even though it was email, it set you back in a very significant way. That is why I always have said that NC is serious serious business. Those with powerful addictions to their disordered exs who don't or won't do NC are destined for nothing but pain and heartache and maybe worse. It is really that simple.

 

regards

[In Sync]

IS, you had to go back to square one when you contacted him about your mother. even that little contact effected you as if you were still in the relationship. I am sorry you broke contact but now it makes much more sense why you are still hurting. Because you count from your last contact, you only have one month of NC in the bag and it takes two or three months to get strong and healthy.

.... It is really that simple.

 

 

Well at least that explains this compulsion... last night I was really this close to doing it breaking NC, but I had to talk myself out of it.

Why would I do it? What would be the point? What good would come of it? And since all my answers lead to dismal to sad conclusions, it made more since not to. But damn every time I have to keep having these talkdowns...yep, that emailing him at my most vulnerable time was clearly a setback. On the flip side though who would've imagined that I could go without contacting him over a month. I'm surprised at that myself. I can do it, but it's a total B***H and a half.

[smile95]

There must have been something over time that went on in our brains to actaully still love these people that clearly hurt us over and over. Why do we yearn for the ones that hurt us? I feel brainwashed almost.

 

IS- I know why you reached out to your ex when your mother died...I reached out too this wk with my Gram. I do not understand how my ex can call me and tell me he loves me and then when I ask him to call me when this happens it takes a "reminder" to call me back. I guess I am expecting waaay too much. Like Bendit told me earlier in the wk, he is not going to change no matter what events happen in my life. He is only concerned with his own. Sad part is...he has no idea that he is doing anything wrong. It is business as usual to him. I broke NC and I am glad that we are talking as friends and I am glad this happened so that I can see that this is not who i want in my life as a spouse.

 

I am so deeply hurt that he does not seem to care. I reaached out to him and it was almost like I was expecting to be let down. Like I wanted him to let me down so I could say ,"see AS*hole, you don't care". I almost crave this treatment and expect it. I want to just delete it all! I want to start over and I am finding it so hard to fid anyone else attractive. Is it possible that it is too soon to date for me?

[In Sync]

There must have been something over time that went on in our brains to actaully still love these people that clearly hurt us over and over. Why do we yearn for the ones that hurt us? I feel brainwashed almost...

I am so deeply hurt that he does not seem to care... Like I wanted him to let me down so I could say ,"see AS*hole, you don't care". I almost crave this treatment and expect it. I want to just delete it all! I want to start over and I am finding it so hard to fid anyone else attractive. Is it possible that it is too soon to date for me?

 

smile95 I started this thread and asked this question;

Why Do We Always Want The One Who Doesn't Love Us Back?

under which Johan wrote an insightful post, which sheds light on our mindset. Read through this recent thread. We probably have a simliar personality chip

in our fear of failure and how with this rejection by our ex's we feel unloveable. And will do whatever to fix it...I'm paraphrasing but it really is worth reading. In my case it was accurate. Had I more love for myself I would have along time ago realized the boy I was with was a waste of time. Instead I continue to think his rejection is failure on my part and I am not loveable, so I've made him the object of proving this is not true. If I can just make him love me, it will prove I am worthy of love. Regardless if he is even worth all this effort and pain. No one is worth it, especially these unepathetic N's.

We must start seeing our own self worth smile95. This is extremely hard, because we accepted somewhere along the line we weren't. Breaking NC and reaching out to the uncaring beings validates a distorted view we have of ourselves when they reject us. I appreciate knowing this information about myself because I know that this urge comes from a desire to continue to think only he can validate my existence...which is Total Crap. I guess one could say I've got a monkey on my back, and it's this f***-up belief, the N is just a symbol of the depths I go to reinforce it.

 

I am not ready to date. Not yet. I don't think a new love interest is something I am seeking. Now it feels fake, perhaps because I am rebuilding myself still. Otherwise I run the risk of transferring the same feelings of needing proof of being lovable and validation onto another person. Until you realize who you are and why this man is your addiction dating is like putting a bandage on an open gash.

[smile95]

that is 100% how I feel. Unlovable. Him wanting me and calling me =I am worthy. For him to ignore me during this hard time with my Grandmother really is enough to push myself to get over him. He is so heartlesss. I deserve so much more and so do you. This is my breaking point. In a few weeks I will forget how upset I am with him, so remind me if I ask!!!

[In Sync]

that is 100% how I feel. Unlovable. Him wanting me and calling me =I am worthy. For him to ignore me during this hard time with my Grandmother really is enough to push myself to get over him. He is so heartlesss. I deserve so much more and so do you. This is my breaking point. In a few weeks I will forget how upset I am with him, so remind me if I ask!!!

 

 

The fact that we are becoming aware of how our own perceptions about ourselves plays a role in this self-defeating cycle is a breaking point..try not to put a time limit on when you will forget about him, because this "forgetting how upset I am with him" may not occur as when you would like and if you do find yourself still wanting him to call you, you will feel like a failure and the whole pattern begins again with wanting him to call you=I am worthy.

beth, I am living day to day still with this urge, aaarrgh. Only now I know its me wanting to change a hopeless situation..it's a reflection about how I feel about me. My commitment to NC is my pat on my back, because I can do it, despite my own conflict here. You can do it too...do it with a solid commitment to yourself. There's no shame in still having the need to want to hear from your ex.. that urge obviously it just won't go away overnight.

[fomerlyniceguy]

Hey I know how you all feel. Although it has been a few short weeks for me I know what it is like to pick up the phone. Actually I stated thinking about this last night. While I have never been to an AA meeting and don't really need to, I think they have a good outlook on recovery in general. The idea of a sponsor someone to call when you feel like having a drink is brilliant. The idea is having someone accepting of you and your faults, forgiving you if you slip and looking to put you back on the right path. I think that is the reason most come here to post, but I could see how someone with a single purpose could benefit. I also have always liked the serenity prayer, it is very comforting and I often recite it in times in my life when times are trying. If you never heard it here it is.

 

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

 

Anyway just my two cents.

 

fng

[In Sync]

Dare I say it..I was having an urge, came right here before I did something I'd regret. For a fleeting moment I thought maybe his computer crashed and he lost my e-mail address. Or maybe he's sick and can't write...is that lame?

[JS17]

Don't do it!!! Who cares if he's sick or his computer crashed. He's not a part of your life anymore. Glad to see that you came here instead of calling him

[In Sync]

Don't do it!!! Who cares if he's sick or his computer crashed. He's not a part of your life anymore. Glad to see that you came here instead of calling him

 

Whenever I have my meltdowns you're always there....THANK YOU:bunny:

[steffany]

Do you like animals? I know this sounds lame also...but:

 

I go on craigslist to the pet forum and talk to others about pets.

 

Or I go on the joke forum and read them there.

 

There is also a women's forum that is nice.

 

I like it here don't get me wrong but when I just need something faster paced I like to go there and read and answer.

 

It is quicker than here and when you need a detour to your thoughts it can be of help.

[JS17]

That's because I have too much homework to do Even if I'm not here someone will be on LS to listen and you're better off having someone here listen then your stinky ex. Anyways, you're welcome

[JS17]

There's a pets forum on Craigslist?!? Well now I have another procrastination tool as if kittenwar and kittensinsinks weren't enough. Thanks steffany