Caught in the middle...need opinions please

[muffin]

Opinions please. I am caught between both sides, see both sides, hurt for both sides, and don't know how to feel or what to say to either.

 

I just got back from a trip to see my younger sister married. I went with my mother, who brought her little dog, and my 11 year-old son. My sister made the foolish mistake of offering for us to stay in her condo, which she is currently trying to sell. Instead of letting her realtor know she was having company and preparing for her wedding and needed time off, she decided to try to keep the condo in showable condition, and expected us to pick up after ourselves continually---a difficult thing to do considering there's a child and a dog. I tried to be understanding of the stresses she was under but I did tell her that there were 4 of us in there and we had to use the water, had to use dishes, etc. She did say to me she understood and was sorry to be making it difficult on us.

 

So inevitably the night before her wedding there was an incident with my mother's dog and some other thing and my sister got irritated and kind of snapped at us. I didn't think much of it but my mother grabbed up her dog and went upstairs in a huff. She says she just wanted to get out of the way and work out her feelings alone but my sister saw it as passive aggression and manipulation so she went up to talk to her to get things right between them so it wouldn't affect her wedding day. It just ended up making things worse. From the bits and pieces I heard my sister made her feel unwelcome, and she failed to be considerate in certain areas. I have gotten the whole conversation from both sides, and I can't find anything in it that was extremely cruel or life-changing or major enough to cause such hysteria. It wasn't really any different than conversations they have had before in a confrontation. My mother felt hurt and shocked, she says, and she cried so hard she was unable to go to the dinner. She swears my sister never apologized but I saw her and heard her do it. I tended to support my sister more at the time because it bothered me so much to see her upset and crying herself on her wedding day. (this was still an issue the next day).

 

I just felt like it wasn't the time or place for my mother to be making things all about herself and her feelings and her dog but a counselor she talked to says my sister's treatment of her and even me, was abusive. I don't know what to think. Part of me hurts for my sister whose intentions were originally good, and who ended up being largely unsupported at such an important time, on the other hand I know that she is a very selfish and impatient, even intolerant person. When I look back on the visit though, I felt like my sister was trying harder than she usually does to be accommodating and patient. I see my mother's side too though, as she has spent most of her 62 years in abusive relationships and having strong emotional issues. It's been days since the incident and my mother keeps talking and talking to me about it and I feel like I'm being expected to take sides. When I don't get as agreeable or passionate about something as she does, she takes it as me not agreeing or me being unsupportive and she gets annoyed with me. Most all the time she and I get along very well and we can talk about anything in the world, but I can't stand being caught in the middle between her and my sister and I'm not the kind to lie or be two-faced. I've chosen to listen (even though I really would rather not), and just be loving, but not offer my opinions.

 

I'm just curious how this looks to an outsider. I'm not sure how right or wrong either of their reactions were and I'd really like someone else's take on it.

[RecordProducer]

When I don't get as agreeable or passionate about something as she does, she takes it as me not agreeing or me being unsupportive and she gets annoyed with me.

It sounds like you both have problems with your mother. She is the rebelion while you're the one who doesn't fight back.

 

This is not about taking sides; your mother is trying to turn you against your sister. This is unfair of her. It sounds like you're not "allowed" to express your honest opinion. You have to agree with your mother or you feel like she won't appreciate you enough or you will get into constant fights with her, just like your sister. I assume you're younger than your sister so she served as an example as to how to not act with Mother. But that doesn't mean that you should always agree with her. Feel free to take your sister's side and express your honest opinion.

 

It's nice to avoid conflicts, but it's not necessary to avoid them at any cost. By not defending your sister, you're preventing your mother from looking deeper into her own personality and realize where she goes wrong. Perhaps if she has both daughters on the same side, she will realize her character flaws and the fights will diminish. On the other hand, you may advise your sister about her faults as well. You can be in the middle and help, but you're not.