Distraught...can't go on anymore

[Kisar]

Well he left came back left and came back. This time it seems like the end. I am now 7 months pregnant. Husband is gone. Left me and my 6 year old lonely. Everyday for me is like carrying a load of cement and I can barely talk without random tears falling from my eyes. I will be honest; I am scared to seek help. I do not want meds because I am pregnant. I am also embarrassed to see anyone because I work in the field and know so many people at practically every health center in my area. One strength is that I have not killed myself but I do have suicide ideation. I also harm myself sometimes like when I am looking in the mirror I will punch my head repeatedly. I cannot cope with the betrayal. My bills are falling behind because I have no extra income. He came for a week and left for work one day and never showed up again. How can someone hurt my little girl like this? What is wrong with us? Why. Why Why. I am so desperate. I am dying in the inside.

[Outcast]

You MUST seek help. You of all people must understand that depression is nothing to be ashamed of. You don't have to be put on meds, and you know that, too. Get individual counselling or get into a group and share your pain with the many other people who have been wronged. Do this for yourself but more importantly for your child. You know that the mental state of the mother can affect the fetus, right? So get help NOW!!!!

[Mz. Pixie]

First of all, I'm sorry for your pain.

 

Second of all, get a grip on yourself. Your child does not need to see you like this, you have to get a grip on yourself for her sake- and for the baby you're carrying.

 

Do you have family nearby??

 

You desperately need to get some help now. I do not care if you are embarrassed- I'd rather be embarrassed than my child be without a mother. It's nothing to be embarrassed about, everyone has issues.

 

There are medications that are safe during pregnancy as well.

 

Please please for the sake of your children get some help now. TODAY.

No one is worth giving your life for- and I say that as someone who's been divorced after a long marriage, etc.

[Trimmer]

Kisar - if a person on the street walked up to you and told you that story, being a therapist, I bet you would be very concerned, and you would strongly encourage that person to seek help. You know this better than anyone, sometimes we need help from outside ourselves, and there is no shame in that. You are in a haze, and you need to see through the haze to this truth - which you know to be the truth, right? - and then find someone you can be honest with and tell your whole story, and trust to help you out.

 

Look at it this way, if you are this distraught - where you consider that your one strength is that you haven't killed yourself - you NEED to get better, and you shouldn't worry about the possibility of a little discomfort in seeking assistance - assistance that will probably help you way beyond that little bit of discomfort. Frankly, I see it as a sign of strength when someone can stand up for themselves and say "I need help and I'm going to get it." Take care of yourself, there's no shame, no shame.....

 

I consider this nearly an emergency. If you were my sister or mother or friend, I would be on your doorstep and we'd be making an appointment for you with a therapist or cousleor somewhere. Take me seriously, please; I hear you calling for help here, so take my simple advice and go find a therapist to get that help.

 

Next, you need to ensure that you are physically well and safe - have you been going to your pre-natal appointments on schedule? Is everything OK there? Still eating and sleeping OK (for being pregnant, anyway?)

 

And finally, the issue of finances is an added stress that you shouldn't need to take on. Are you saying that your husband has essentially withdrawn financial support? In my state, you can get a temporary order for spousal support to define what is the expected (acutally required) contribution of a spouse in a case like this. He is legally married to you, and you are carrying his child - seems to me this is a clear case for exactly this kind of temporary order for spousal support was created. I don't know if you have to initiate divorce proceedings to get such an order - I think you might - but that doesn't mean you are committed to finish them, but it gives you certain legal tools and leverage, like the temporary order.... I strongly suggest you see an attorney for an initial consultation, lay out your story, and he/she may be able to help you get your financial situation back in order. It may cost you a couple hundred dollars, but explain your situation, and if they get you some support from your husband, you may come out ahead anyway...

 

Take charge. You will need to make it happen here, but it will make your situation better. Get yourself some help to get strong. Keep youself physically safe and healthy. I believe you have a good chance at making your financial situation less of a stressor.

 

Finally, do you have someone who can be a birth coach/support person? I hope you will get someone lined up who can be there for you.

[fomerlyniceguy]

Kisar the first thing you need to tell yourself is "I can handle this"! Say loud and often. Secondly, reach out to someone who loves you a parent, friend, neighbor anything. You started the process here but you need to have someone close to you to support you. Let them know what is going on and how you feel. Next pick up a phonebook and find someone to go see for help. You could start with a suicide prevention hotline a lot of states have them. If your employer has a Employee assistance program that is also good. If not a lot of therapist will work on a sliding scale. Don't be embarassed about knowing anyone in the field every therapist I have ever talked to had a therapist also. No person is an island, we all go through rough times. I know my state has a few Non profit organizations to help single mothers in your situation, especially with getting things like child support. The fact is you do have to be strong for your children right now, it all starts with 4 simple words "I can handle this".

[Kisar]

Thank you guys for the support. I know I need help (professional) but I do have to say that this site has helped me make it through those rock bottom days. I almost feel like my typed words can't express my feelings. I never knew that things could get so bad. I am going to my prenatal appointments and that alone is a killer, to be going alone with out support. You guys always ask if I have any family or friends or anyone that can support me, but the truth is no. I cannot think of one person who can support me. I do not have a great relationship with my family, in fact when they find out that my husband abandoned me they will in some way say that it was my fault. I don't have any friends...just co workers that I would not trust with my personal life. The thing that hurts me the most is the betrayal. My husband was cheating on me for a long time with several diffrent women, he isolated me and made me feel like everything was my fault, hec, I really felt like I caused all the problems. When I finally started seeing things for what they were...he did not like it and said that he was leaving me. In fact the day I confirmed with one of his partners that he had been cheating ...he left. Once I get over the why part I will be able to be healthier. I am not a bad person, I am smart, and once people use to call me beautiful except I don't feel like it so much anymore. Why did he do this to me. I hate being selfish but not being here is the only way I can stop feeling this pain. I am on my computer now typing...I can't sleep...I hardley ever sleep because I stay up all night and cry because in the day time I am putting up appearances at work and in front of my child so that at least she does not see me so depressed. Does anyone have insight on my case. Feel free to look up my other postings. How does someone destroy another person like this? Why could'nt he have told me a long time ago before the kids that he did not love me. By the way he not only abandoned me but he has abandoned his daughter. As for the new baby he said that he never wanted it in the first place. How can I not be distraught? Someone please tell me. Am I wrong for feeling so sad? Am I really that distrurbed because this is bothering me? Are other people so much stronger than I that they could carry on under the circumstances? Please let me know because I do want to learn how to start living a normal day.

[dgiirl]

Kisar, sweetie, i've been here from the first day you posted. Everything you are feeling is perfectly normal. You, of all people, should know that. The anger, the questions, the sadness, the tears. Every single thing is normal and is expected. I went through it. We all are either going through it or went through it. You are not alone! But trust me on one thing, if we can get through it, you can get through it. It takes time, strength, effort and determination, but you have that inside you. You have to fight! You have to tell yourself that he's wrong, he's the jerk, he's not a nice person, and this is NOT MY FAULT. His cheating is NOT YOUR FAULT. He's manipulated you into feeling guilt for his wrong doings. Nice huh? Instead of him facing the heat and being a man, he turns it onto you to feel guilty so you will leave him alone. But you are not a victim! You have to fight back. You need to realize that he made this decision, but you are going to make it right! You are going to take this experience, grow from it, become a better person and create a much better life. You have to actively work on it and take charge. Now is not the time to be asking why. You can ask why later. Right now you are in surivial mode! You have to do what you have to do to give this baby the best chance at life you can. You have to get help. You have no choice in this. You are feeling ashamed because your husband cheated on you? Why do YOU feel ashamed? You were the faithful one! HE should be ashamed for HIS actions. Stop being ashamed. You did nothing wrong! If your friend's husband left her, would you think the same things about her you think about yourself? Or would you think her husband was a disgusting piece of sh*t for doing what he did? This is NOT your fault and stop taking blame for it. Get help! There's no shame in asking for help. There's shame when you could have asked for help and decided not to and something terrible happened instead. This is no time to play games. Would you rather risk the health of your baby and your babies mother, because you fear of what some stranger might think of you? Is their thoughts more important than your health? Your priorities are messed up here and you need to change that around.

 

I'm here for you. Feel free to pm me anytime!

[ReluctantRomeo]

Does anyone have insight on my case.

 

I'm so sorry to hear that. Being abandoned during pregnancy is the worst. What he did was awful.

 

Please seek professional medical help - don't be too proud. Your kids need you.

 

Since you asked for insight, in the longer term you could examine with a therapist why you have no real friends and why your family would think you were to blame for the end of the relationship. Your husband is behaving like a complete and utter bastard, but that does not mean that your behaviour has not somehow fed into this. Taking charge of yourself and your behaviour can be incredibly empowering.

[Mz. Pixie]

It's hard to be alone, but yes, people do make it through this and even worse!!! Yeah, it's hard to think that it could be worse but it really could if you think about it.

 

When I divorced, every friend I had turned their back on me in a snap. I had no family living here- none even close and really no one I could turn to. Two of my male coworkers helped me move and another female co worker. I had to ask them, I didn't have anyone else.

 

They have all been so supportive and I couldn't have done it without them. Yet, there were many times I cried myself to sleep at night over the loss of my friends and extended family- in laws etc.

 

You can do this, and you will be stronger in the end for it. You do need some professional help though to make it through.

[curiousnycgirl]

Needless to say I agree with what everyone said. To me you sound like a remarkable woman.

 

The only thing I would add is that you need a lawyer. This man needs to pay for his share of the life you two created together! There is no reason for you to be bearing the brunt of it all on your own.

 

Please recognize how exceptional you are - and start living your life for you, your daughter and your new baby. And start doing what is right for all three of you!

[Kisar]

Thanks DJGirl and all of the others who have been with me through my journey. Hey DJGirl I have been trying to PM you for a few months and not able to do so? Anyways I want you guys to know that I know I have to live. I have to live for my children and myself. That is why I am alive. But I do have to say that my soul is depleted. I guess I was naive and never knew that my husband was capable of such malicious behavior. It does make me very angry when I think back to the times where he said he would never walk away from his responsibility? He would never want his daughter to be raised alone and possible raised by another man. (Now he'll have 2 children being raised without him). The other thing that makes me really angry is that I know that the only reason he was able to walk away from our relationship was because he was with someone else. So when he tells me that he just can't be with me...things will never work out...we have been unhappy for a long time....I find it odd because I remember being happy just 8 months ago...last year...year before that? (Of course we had ups and downs but not this intense). It took him meeting someone else to figure out he could not stay with his family.

 

Someone posted and said that I needed to reflect on myself and to figure out what personal problems I brought to the relationships...well that is true but I am able to say that the main problem had to do with falling in the cycle of the emotional abuse. No he never told me that I could not have friends, but when I had them he did not like them. So I chose him. He never told me not to go out...but when I did he would get upset ...so I chose him. I gave him his papers to be able to stay in the country...I did a lot...and in the meantime I was losing myself. I am very upset about that. I feel so horrible with myself for allowing it to happen. But I really believed that he loved me.

 

Sorry if I am venting, but I truly cannot understand why. How could someone do this to another person? I am determined to move on. I have not called him or seen him...but it does not get better. I've learned on this sight that NC is best and that time heals...well nothing is happening for me...except more and more pain.

[dgiirl]

Thanks DJGirl and all of the others who have been with me through my journey. Hey DJGirl I have been trying to PM you for a few months and not able to do so?

 

Ah, I forgot about that. I think it's cos you havent posted enough on the forum I dont know how many posts you need before they open that feature.

 

 

Sorry if I am venting, but I truly cannot understand why. How could someone do this to another person? I am determined to move on. I have not called him or seen him...but it does not get better. I've learned on this sight that NC is best and that time heals...well nothing is happening for me...except more and more pain.

 

Believe me, you will get better with NC. Put it this way, do you feel better when you DO have contact with him? There is a period of time where you are now that you have to grieve the relationship. You will experience a whole slew of emotions from anger, disgust, revenge, sadness, pity, dispair, depression. NC allows you to experience these emotions. To heal, you have to work through those emotions. Feel them, work through them, let them out so that they are not staying inside of you, consuming your whole life. There is a period of time you need to let yourself feel these emotions because if you dont they will stay inside of you. It's your emotional baggage, and unless you purge them, they'll stay around until you DO purge them. And it's best to purge them NOW when you are heart broken, when you do NOT have a relationship, and you can afford the time to be emotional. But dont spend TOO much time letting it consume you. There's a fine line between falling into depression and purging your emotions. Listen to your body because it will tell you when you've cried too much. When you need to get off the bathroom floor and start paying attention to something else. You're on a rollercoaster of emotions. In the beginning it's extremely painful. But give yourself some time. Trust in time you will smile for a split second, and then you will wonder to yourself why the hell are you smiling when you're life is in such a disaster. But pay attention to those moments. Remember them and embrace them. When you start riding a low again, remember that for a split second you were happy, and so you know in time the happiness will come again. Trust in that it will come because it already did once. And you will notice the highs start to get longer and longer. The lows are still there, but they start to fade. The pain starts to fade. It's a LONG ride, and I wish I could make it faster for you. But I truely do believe this is how you heal. Dont get lost in the dispair but do let it out.