Reconciliation issues, need help

[bkz]

Not sure how many have read my story but in short....My wife wanted a divorce 4 months ago wasnt "in love with me" was ?ing our marriage ever being good, you know the story. Since then ive used this site and another plus books to save our marriage. The last month in particular has been great, lots of sex, I love yous and overeall everything seems to be pretty good. Shes even called me a couple of times just to say I love you and this last weekend we went and got her a new SUV (witch shes needed for a while) and went to her dad/stepmoms house for the weekend. I havent allways gotten along real well with the stepmom and its seems when we go theres allways some tention but in councelling this week she said I was awsome and there was NO tention, everything went great. She also said she was real worried it wouldnt. Heres the problem im having:

For the first time in a month or so we went to councelling together on Tuesday night, we've been going to the same councellor one on one lately but because of the kids we havent been able to go together. She said some things that concern me and mabye its just her trying to put me in check or sorta control the situation as its mabye moving too fast for her? I dont know but my wife lives totally on emotions all the time. She said she feels shes still puting up a wall and doesnt know how to fully let herself go, that she loves me but is wondering how to get the chemistry back and again shes affraid i'll go back to being the old me. Shes been having some bad dreams about me and also her ex stepdad who peeped on her and did some real inapropriate things. He had two personalities and since ive made so many changes I guess its confusing her and shes sorta worried i'll go back to the old me, the councellor agreed with this when I said it on Tuesday night. She allso said she still feels a bit tense around me and doesnt know why, this used to be a big issue with us. She said her mom and a couple others have told her to just let go for once and start living in the present and future, just enjoy what youve got and how good things are in your life and marriage. My wife said she wants to but its not that simple, shes allways held on to things espessially the negatives. We had been going every week but the councellor asked would we feel comfortable at this point coming just every other week? I said it was ok with me. Wife paused and councellor asked her again she said "yeah thats fine with me, guess I just need to take things one day at a time, divore isnt something to just into right not". WHAT!!!! We havent spoke of divorce in at least 2 months! This is something I just cant get, i dont know why the heck shed say that and its ohneslty really bothering me. For the first time in a month or so im starting to ? things a bit and im really worried it'll show. Im allso concerned since I did do so much to save our marriage like changing, compromising my feelings, and sorta just being real passive to get things back on track, mabye shes lost some respect for me? Mabye its time I started being a bit more assertive again and not such a nice guy or so willing to please? Oh and shes on the rag and was a total you know what this morning so I just told her to stop being so uptight and quit complaining about everything and left to take my son to school. After I put him in the truck I decided to come back in and say goodbye have a nice day (she was in the bathroom and couldnt see me) and she said it back and started appologysing but I ran out like I didnt hear her, i really didnt want to here it at the time. She called me a little while ago to appologyse and said she realizes what a b@#$h she was being, I said no problem gotta go see ya later. Really need some advice here, or input on what she may be feeling at this point. This is the first sorta setback in our reconiliation so far and im real botherd and not sure how to act.

[trickynj99]

try not to get caught up in the day to day part of it...i'm in the same boat as you and the daily grind of not knowing is very very tough...

 

looks to me like you are doing the right things.... i learned from here and other places that you can't decide for her or even make her decide..she had to want to be together for progress to be real...all the good that has been happening must be making an impression

 

also, maybe she is feeling TOO GOOD and its scaring her so she just puts up the emotional roadblocks..

 

just my 2 cents..good luck

[bkz]

tricky, if shes just feeling too good that would be great!! But im worried thats not the case but who knows but her. Buying the new vehicle was a big one I think, mabye it was a bigger commitment to me for her than I realize but it was her idea.

She went out with her freinds for dinner last night and woke me up when she got home to tell me about it. Then this morning she initiated sex, she got her ortho evera patches (birth control) yesterday and I guess her periods over, whatever I was just glad for some effection it made me feel closer to her. She called me at work this morning and said she was in heaven, that she was staying home hanging out with our middle son spending alone time with him and just felt so spoiled. Its like 75 deg here today so I can understand how nice that would be, sucks to be at work!! Anyways im just not sure if shes really emotional because of her meds/health issuse and thats what causes her to be so up and down? Or mabye IM the one thinking things are going to good and being self concious and reading too much into things, never done that before!! Any other imput/advice is appritiated.

Oh and I was just rereading some of my last post and im soooooo sorry for the horrible spelling!! I just suck, mabye its time for spell check!

[Mz. Pixie]

Does she work B?

 

I'd echo what the other person said about not getting caught up in the day to day stuff.

 

I know it's hard because you've been looking for every little bit of improvement on her part to encourage you but try to stay steady if possible.

[bkz]

Yeah she does work part time. Shes got a real flexible scheduale at work and is off every day by 11:00 to pick the kids up from school and then hang out at home with them. She was only working a few hours a day Mon-Wed until we started having problems, she then felt (since we'de be divorced) she should start working more to make more money. Lately and just last night actually she's talked about going back to not working at all or just going back to the old scheduale of a few hours a day Mon-Wed. I think her staying with the kids is way more important than the extra money and we should sacrafice that for them if at all possible, plus she does MUCH better as a stay at home, works just added stress for her and she doesnt need that. Things have been going great and she does seem real happy. She ran into a freind of ours at the gym the other day and he told me she said shes happy with me the way I am but is affraid i'll go back to the old me. Guess its just gonna take time, we've been together 12 years so if what they say about a month for every years true guess we've got a ways to go.

[Mz. Pixie]

Just focus on the long range plans and not so much on the day to day. Keep up the good work.

[bkz]

Thanks for the encouragement Mz. Pixie I appritiate it.

[bkz]

Funny how things work....or dont work at times. Thing that bothers me most is she mentioned in councelling a couple weeks ago she has a wall up and doesnt know how to let it down? I am sensing that and it does bother me. When she's feeling good the wall comes down and she calles me honey, pumpkin, touches me and just seems overal real happy witch in turn makes everything feel great all around. But other times she seems distant and uncaring, doesnt make alot of eye contact, no touching and overal just starts pissing me off and I dont want to be around her. I feel my W is the most self centered, self absorbed, insecure, vain person I know and our C agrees with most of this in one on one with me. I hate to say it but im starting to at times have bad feeling toward her for not placing ANY blame on herself for ANYTHING PERIOD!!! In our 9 years of marriage ive contstantly taken the blame upon myself for everything and made ALL the changes to make things right, and im still doing it today. I guess my biggest weekness is im just too hard on myself and am not too proud to change for the benifit of the family I love so much. I have to say and it may be shallow but.... My W is the most buitiful woman ive ever known (she was a model and has been in a few movies, she really is an amazing looking woman and attract ALOT of attention) and im so attracted to her physically it weekens me at times, its the only thing she realy has on me I cant get over. Im finding that her other qualities I used to love arent really there anymore or at least shes not showing them lately and its just my attraction to her physicaly that really gets to me. I hope im not coming off as shallow but its just how I feel and need to vent, also need some input or advice on how I should deal with these issues and not backstep by letting my feelings get the best of me.

[Mz. Pixie]

Well you know what they say, no matter how beautiful a person is on the outside there is someone somewhere that is sick of their crap. Just look at Jessica Simpson, she's undoubtfully very beautiful but yet she and her husband are divorcing.

 

Perhaps she can't take responsibility for her actions, ever. What are your options if she can't?? Do you seriously think you want to leave??

[bkz]

At times im angry with her self centered behavior and want to leave just to show her how good shes got it, but no I dont really want to leave her or the kids. Everyone around us constantly says she has everything including a husband that would do anything for her and wonders how ive stayed with her this long since she just doesnt seem to appritiate it most the time. I stopped showing her affection since sunday night and didnt kiss or hug her goodbye this morning but did tell her to have a good day, im just tiered of allways being the one to initiate effection. Funny thing is at times (usually every couple days) she'll call me honey or some other pet name, smile and say how good our simple little life is and how good we have it. When she doese this everything feels just great, like things are going to be fine and shes happy. Other times she seems distant, doesnt make much eye contact and is sorta unresponsive and thats when I start to get a bit worried and then of course after a while it starts pissing me off a bit but I try not to show it. I dont know mabye im just being insecure and not being patiant enough givving things time to completely heal. If I was just sure our marriage was going to work out I would be much more at ease and not give a crap so much about the little things and her moods since shes allways been like that really.

[bkz]

I was just speaking to a friend of mine who knows our sitch. Mabye my wife is happy and im just reading too much into everything? Mabye im just being insecure and mabye IM the one whos not happy or getting the love I need and its starting to bother me? Just talked to my wife and she said she's sensed something wrong with me for the last couple of weeks and I told her its just work. She said she wishes id talk to her about it instead of holding it in cause shes felt the tention and thought it was because of her, witch it really is im just not prepared to share with her how insecure ive become about things lately. She told me to go ahead and go to councelling on my own tonight instead of togeather so I can talk about things. She also says she think ive been trying to do to much for her and the kids and missing too much work to do things she can take care of since she's the stay at home mom. She thinks I need to spend more time on myself and stop trying to be the perfect husband/father as its just too much pressure to put on myself, funny I never thought she saw things that way and mabye shes right? Mabye I need to just ease up and be myself instead of allways trying to act happy even when im not? So confused and really need to get things worked out in my head to regroup and refresh my veiw of things.

[bkz]

She called me at work yesterday a few times to tell me she loved me the called and told me to come strieght home from the gym, she was making me a nice romatic dinner and have a bath ready for me. It was a nice night with the kids mostly and before going to bed I told her id be going out with my friends tomarow night, I could tell this bothered her and she began to ask some ?'s. Now she take ambium and when shes on this sleeping pill she says strange things and gets emotional and relaxed. She says what are you gonna do when girls hit on you, I dont answer. So are you gonna let them pic up on you? Are we seperated or married? Im thinking WHAT!!!!! seperated or married!!!! this womans off her rocker here!!! So I pretty much just didnt answer and blew her off to go to sleep. Also before going to bed I told her not to worrie, I know we cant have sex becuase or her infection (she has some female problems right now). The only reason I said this is because I know she puts alot of pressure on herself with the sex thing because she think she needs to have sex with me as my wife. Not to say she doesnt enjoy it because she does, but she puts pressure on everything mostly through feeling guilty. If I do nice things for her of help around the house she feels guilty rather that appritiative. This morning I got out of the shower and hopped back in bed and asked if she wanted to cuttle, got no answer from her she just layed there drinking her coffee, whatever so I got up and I guess she could tell I was upset. Well who wouldnt be? Turned down just to cuttle a bit, seems easy enough for her to do? Anyways she starts crying and saying she just cant take the pressure I put on her to have sex and she has an infection and thats why she isnt able to. I say im not puting pressure on her I just wanted to cuttle a bit, well she says you never wanted to cuttle before!!! So I just thought you might like it and I do want to cuttle now. I told her the guilt is on her not me, that she feels guilty even when I try to do nice things for her cause I love her and want to show her I care, that everything with her translates to guilt and its not my fault it on her. Before I left she did give me a kiss goodbye and we exchanged I love you's. She is freekin waaaaaaayyyyy wierd on the ambiem and usually she also gets real ralaxed and sexual shortly after she takes it, she also doesnt remember things we talk about at times the next day so im not sure if she remembers last night lamo talk about me going out but did remember that I was going out this morning. Any input on this?

[Mz. Pixie]

Ambien is very strong and it "wierds" you out. She is almost high in a way.

 

As I said before, Ambien is only approved for short term use and it seems she has used it for a long time. That's not a good thing.

[bkz]

Shes been taking it for at least 3 years and cant sleep without it, her doctor doesnt seem to have a problem with her taking it but thats just what she tells me. She also suffers MAJOR from migranes and has for 15+ years, nothing works not even botox injections (witch she just had last week) but they do help. Funny thing is the ambium will take her migrane away or at least make it bearable, the other stuff she takes for the migranes is called I think Zomag? Its a nose deal she takes but it makes her heart hurt and causes rebounds at times. Anyways as you can tell shes a mess and this isnt even the half of it theres also the Mastoiditist and possible TMJ, so its just a bad deal for her overall health wise. The pressure she puts on herself and feeling guilty about not having sex and just overal, any ideas on this? She conciders herself a pleaser yet she really doesnt do much to please anyone but herself for the most part espessially lately. She really doesnt appritiate all the things she has and what a great life she has, even people in her family have told me they feel this way and wonder if she'll ever truely be happy. Of course I choose to love my wife forever and would never leave her so far as im concerned.

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm not a doctor but I think she's mentally ill. You cannot fix her, you can only fix yourself. Only she can fix her problems.

[bkz]

I'm not a doctor but I think she's mentally ill. You cannot fix her, you can only fix yourself. Only she can fix her problems.

 

Mz. Pixie, having fallowed my story pretty much from the beginning I know youve got a good idea the extent of my wifes problems physical and emotional. (You may also remember im very hesitant to blame our problems on my wifes possible mental condition) Because of that I value your opinion and think as much as I hate to admit it your probley right in your assesment. In councelling the other night by myself our phsycologist was listening to the things going on that concern me about our sitch, including my wife feeling guilty when I do nice things for her and when I try to help around the house, rather than being appritiative. Now our C doesnt belive in diagnosing for the most part, she just thinks people like my wife are "unique". Well durring our conversation she went to her bookcase and started looking through a book and reading things off to me to answer, alot of them she knew the answers to from councelling with my wife. Things like symptomes and behaviors that fit my wifes personallity and she was a mach on all but a couple in the two arias she read, not sure what they were (the illnesses) but this was something she had never done with me before and it was something that really has stuck with me. I really think shes starting to feel theres more than just some imotional issues there with my wife. I appritiate your honesty and advice through all this and cant thank you enough for it. Me and my wife have alot of work to do for any chance at a healthy marriage, but for ours and our kids sake I hope we can make it work.

[Mz. Pixie]

I think I possibly mentioned to you that your wife may have a borderline personality disorder. If you google that you will see some websites where you can get more information.

 

She reminds me so much of my mother in your posts, and my mother had BPD. I'm not a doctor but gosh, I can read those patterns in people after all the therapy I've had.

 

What struck me most about your wife are a couple of things-

 

1. She never takes responsibilities for her actions- everything is always someone elses fault.

 

2. When she went to therapy she immediate didn't want to go anymore.

 

The second one?? Well, BPD's think that it's not them with the problems it's everyone else. According to my therapist they rarely ever seek therapy for that reason.

 

The fact that she takes alot of meds for depression and anxiety that never help her?? That is because it's something wrong with her, deep in grained in her personality. For years my mother medicated but the drugs never helped her- this is why my therapist later explained they never helped her.

 

The one thing though that pops out at me that makes me doubt BPD is that she feels guilty when you do things for her??? Are you sure that's real guilt??? Because BPD's usually really do not have empathy or sympathy for people, it's imagined. So, if she's being genuine and not just doing it for attention that doesn't jive.

 

I'm babbling again. Please explore this with your counselor fully though to see what her thoughts are on it.