Am I Missing Much?

[Nur]

Here's my situation. (I'll keep it brief).

 

Through high school I was very school-oriented, and literally had no time for "dating" or "relationships." All of my energy and focus was on doing well in my classes, studying for AP tests, and getting the best ACT scores I could. I had no romantic interest in any of my classmates, either, (besides the usual crushes) as they were in the same situation. We were a bunch of rather singleminded nerds.

 

Finally, it ended. I graduated with good grades and got myself a full scholarship to college. My AP scores came back awesome. I was happy -- and realized that I felt a bit lonely, too. Don't take me wrong; I am perfectly fine on my own terms and don't "need" anyone, but I thought that having a boyfriend might be nice.

 

Then, BOOM. He appeared. Ironically enough, he'd been a close friend of mine for three years. We were on a trip together for a club I was in, and it finally dawned on me (yes, I know I am oblivious) that he had feelings for me than "just friends." Being the emotionally-retarded nerd I am, I asked him how he felt to make sure -- and his answer, the depth of his feelings, surprised me. Another irony was that I'd always had a tiny crush on this guy, but ignored it because I didn't think he shared the feelings. Well, apparently he did.

 

So I figured, what the heck. I'll give it a whirl.

 

It's been nearly five months -- and they have amazed me. This guy, besides being extremely good-looking and athletic, is kind, open, family-oriented, moral, loyal, sweet, romantic... and all of those things are completely natural to him -- he's always been that way; he's not trying to "impress" me or be someone who he's not. He's changed me in a fantastic way too -- now I tend to think of things more emotionally rather than in the cold detached way I used to, and feel the neglected non-academic side of my personality finally begin to bloom.

 

My friends all love him (though not as much as I do ) and my mom said that I will probably never find another guy with those particular qualities again. I might find someone that I like as much, but no one quite like him. Our values are similar, our personalities compatible, and I grow closer to him with each passing week. We've had our conflicts, yes, but work through them easily. I miss him terribly when we're apart (we only see each other on weekends) but love the time we spend together.

 

Here's the problem.

 

I really think this guy is marriage-material. But I don't know if I should trust my own judgement. After all, this is the first serious relationship -- no, the first relationship period -- that I've had, and I don't know if it's wise not to have tested the waters and been with all sorts of guys first. I know that college is probably the best oppertunity of your life to meet available members of the opposite sex with similar interests and pursuits, and many of the best-quality are snapped up before grad school.

 

I don't know what the wisest thing to do would be in this circumstance. The professionals say you should date at least 30 people before marrying anyone. But I see guys all over -- the only ones I would consider dating are in long-term relationships already, and none of them have the bond or the history that I have with my boyfriend. The best of them are only comperable. I just feel like what we have is very special and deep, and I can see the two of us together forever, but I don't know if it's wise to choose the only one you've ever dated.

 

I know that my boyfriend will make a great father someday, and a great husband, and that I love him as much as I love anyone in my closest family. I know he feels the same. But if I do stay with him (which I can seriously see happening) then won't I wonder for the rest of my life if it was the right thing to do? I have no comparison.

 

I guess I should just give it time. But the time I spend committed to one person is time wasted in meeting other people. I don't know what I should do. My heart is telling me "Stay with him; he's perfect and you know it!" and my head is telling me, "What are you thinking? No one in their right mind would be exclusive with someone in their college years like this -- this is your chance to find what you are looking for!"

 

To which I reply... "But how do I know I haven't found it?"

 

Should I keep this guy that I truly care about and who seems so right? Or am I making some sort of long-term mistake?

 

Well, that ended up more long-winded than I intended. Thanks to whoever reads and replies.

[Judas Christian]

Forget about what "experts" or "professionals" say. Listen to what "you" say, deep inside. Don't think of it in terms of marriage. Just stay the course while the course is right for you. When your heart starts to question whether he's "Mr. Right," then it's time to reconsider all this. If it's just your mind telling you "you should be experimenting" or "you better shop around" then don't pay it too great of heed. Take it slow, too. Even if everything tells you he's the one, don't marry for awhile. See if the relationship carries on through college and beyond it. See where the road takes you. The world is big enough and full of enough people that even if you miss the chances in college and THEN your relationship with this guy falls apart, there will still be many, many fish in the proverbial sea. People come together and break apart all the time - there is never a real shortage of single folks for either sex, it's a matter of looking and keeping an open mind and heart. So, back to the point, if you've got a great thing going with him and you don't feel like there's anything in your relationship that is lacking or could be better with another person, don't screw up a good thing. That's my advice.

[SmoochieFace]

I'm just curious as to why you would even consider dropping the *good* thing you have with this guy in order to *find out* if there is someone *better*. To me, this says "I am not sure I am really happy with this person."

 

Grass is always greener on the other side, perhaps?

 

And this bit about the so-called *professionals* saying that you should "date 30 people before you get married" is a crock. Sounds like some of these *professionals* have too much time on their hands with very little to do.

 

My advice is to stay with the guy you are currently with and don't mess that up. You may regret it down the road AND there is no guarantee he would *take you back* if you decide to go back to him after your *adventures in the jungle*.

 

I should know. I rejected a woman who did that to me. She clearly regretted her initial decision.

[JS17]

Start worrying about it when he proposes.

[Nur]

I'm just curious as to why you would even consider dropping the *good* thing you have with this guy in order to *find out* if there is someone *better*. To me, this says "I am not sure I am really happy with this person."

 

I'm not trying to find someone "better" really -- because I don't think there is such a thing as better. Something just seems strange that we get along so well and have such a deep bond and that we work so well together when most people are supposed to go through tons of different people before they find what they are looking for. Could I really have already found him? It seems to good to be true -- like living a fairy tale! Real life is supposed to be harder, and that makes me suspicious I guess.

 

But I see what you mean about there still being plenty of singles after college. I suppose the wisest thing to do would be to stay with my guy for a few years and re-evaluate then.

[JS17]

My parents met when they were 16 & 17 and they're still madly in love with each other 30+ years later. Everyone I know is jealous of their relationship. It was a different time but people are fundamentally the same. Sometimes you just get lucky and hit it right the first time.

[Outcast]

I'm not trying to find someone "better" really -- because I don't think there is such a thing as better. Something just seems strange that we get along so well and have such a deep bond and that we work so well together when most people are supposed to go through tons of different people before they find what they are looking for. Could I really have already found him? It seems to good to be true -- like living a fairy tale! Real life is supposed to be harder, and that makes me suspicious I guess.

 

Some people have better luck than others. Some people find their lifetime sweethearts in high school, marry, and are blissful ever after (few, mind you). Others have to go through a lot of relationships and failures before they find their happy-ever-after.

 

The reason to date people is to find out what you don't like or what unpleasant surprises there might be out there. You learn how to figure out if someone's an alcoholic or if his spontaneous nature is really the sort of impulsiveness that leads to spending wildly and doing dangerous things. Essentially, dating shows you what mistakes you can make and how not to make them and, maybe, to help you find someone who's not badly flawed that you get on with well.

 

You have skipped over the fellows with major flaws right to the 'good guy' that other women your age are still looking for. That your family and friends all like him and get along with him speaks volumes.

 

Just reread your post and saw that you have only spent five months together so far. There's the caution. You must spend at least a year with someone, ideally including some 24/7 time (vacations, staying at each other's places for a week or two at at time) to see whether you live together well.

 

It's one thing to go out with someone and quite another to live with him. Not only that, but serious flaws don't necessarily emerge in the first few months. It can take up to a year for them to appear or for the stars to fall from your eyes so you can see them.

 

Yes, it's great he's wonderful, but don't make any conclusions about marriage until you two have spent quite a bit more time together.

[SmoochieFace]

I'm not trying to find someone "better" really -- because I don't think there is such a thing as better. Something just seems strange that we get along so well and have such a deep bond and that we work so well together when most people are supposed to go through tons of different people before they find what they are looking for. Could I really have already found him? It seems to good to be true -- like living a fairy tale! Real life is supposed to be harder, and that makes me suspicious I guess.

 

But I see what you mean about there still being plenty of singles after college. I suppose the wisest thing to do would be to stay with my guy for a few years and re-evaluate then.

 

 

Everyone is different. Some people *get lucky* early and for others it comes later. Took me 35 years and one marriage/divorce to find the love of my life - doesn't make me a *weirdo* or anything, right? The point is that there are no set rules - unlike what the so-called *professionals* want everyone to believe.

 

Here. Look at this: ...and that we work so well together when most people are supposed to go through tons of different people...

 

Strike the term in boldprint. Like I said - there are no set rules for this.

[Leahh]

my cousin found her man when she was 16, tey got married at 19 and 22 and they are in their 40's now..healthy relationship.

 

she never had any doubts he was "the one"

[Nur]

Just reread your post and saw that you have only spent five months together so far. There's the caution. You must spend at least a year with someone, ideally including some 24/7 time (vacations, staying at each other's places for a week or two at at time) to see whether you live together well.

 

Good point -- even though were were really good friends for three years first, and saw each other every day and talked about all sorts of things, the boyfriend-girlfriend relationship is certainly a lot different. It's just that I look around and almost every family I know is plagued by relationship problems and divorce... my friends lament over the shortcomings of their SOs...

 

And here I have this guy who sees all of my good and bad points and accepts them, and I can see and accept his (after all, after three years of friendship you've seen quite a few mood swings both ways). Neither of us has some sort of horrible hidden flaw, and despite my best efforts (originally I planned only to date him until college, then move on once our paths sort of separated) I found myself growing progressively closer, completely against how my head had decided it would be.

 

I guess the main issue is that I've always used my head to decide things and think things through. I've lived life by the rules, by the dry scientific method, and emotion was completely out of the picture. Now for the first time, my heart and head are of different opinions, and the disparity is something I've never had to deal with before.

 

Thanks for pointing out that some people can be happy without going through the "thirty dates" rule the professionals prescribe. It's just that I know VERY few people in this situation, and I never expected it to happen to me.

[Outcast]

And here I have this guy who sees all of my good and bad points and accepts them, and I can see and accept his (after all, after three years of friendship you've seen quite a few mood swings both ways).

 

Living well together is about more than moods. Do you share the same philosophy about money? Religion? Children and how to discipline them? Are you equally tidy or is one a neatnik and one a slob? Is one of you very social and the other not? Often what will put an end to a couple is not personality, but just an inability to mesh lifestyle.

 

It's particularly difficult when you have two people who MUST have things a certain way (thinking of a friend who MUST have her towels hung up evenly or she flies into a fit). If they MUST have things different ways, it's disaster. I'm also thinking of another couple I know - she is very controlling and wants everything in the house to be exactly as she likes - he isn't 'allowed' to have anything he likes if she dislikes it but he hasn't the same veto power.

 

That's why spending extended time in the same abode or on vacation is important - you find out if you can live well together. Do you act like a team that works together to solve problems or like two individuals in a power struggle? If the latter, then the chance of success is very low.