Jayhawkgirl Posted November 17, 2005 Share Posted November 17, 2005 I know there are probably a lot of posts already about this on here, so I'm sorry if I'm just repeating... Anyway, my boyfriend and I have been together for 3 months. Although this is a very short period of time, I am very happy with him and know that we are totally in love. There is one major insecurity that is holding me back...he cheated - repeatedly - on his ex girlfriend, and she never knew. He said he told me because he wants to be totally honest with me...which on one hand I really appreciate but on the other I wish I didn't know! He says he never loved her, but that he loves me and would never think of doing such a thing. How do I trust someone I know has cheated on someone else? Is it true, once a cheater always a cheater? Link to post Share on other sites
Topper Posted November 17, 2005 Share Posted November 17, 2005 I don't buy the once a cheater always a cheater argument. He didn't have to tell you anything. he stepped up to the plate and was honest with you. Now don't use that against him. Would you want him to use something from your past to judge your future behavior? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jayhawkgirl Posted November 17, 2005 Author Share Posted November 17, 2005 You are right, he stepped up to the plate and was totally open with me. I should be thankful for that. But now I'm just paranoid! And as far as judging me by my past behavior...another thing plaguing our relationship is the number of people I have slept with. (Even though his number is more), he is really bothered by it because supposedly other girls he has dated seriously have only been with one person aside from him. So, this is the same thing...I was honest with him but now he is really upset about it. How can we forget each other's pasts so we can get on with our future? Link to post Share on other sites
Tristram Posted November 17, 2005 Share Posted November 17, 2005 The truth can hurt, but not as much as being lied to (if the other person finds out because that violates trust). Just give him time he will get over it (or his own pride so to speak). It is only an issue if you make it one. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted November 17, 2005 Share Posted November 17, 2005 I don't buy the once a cheater always a cheater argument. He didn't have to tell you anything. he stepped up to the plate and was honest with you. Now don't use that against him. Would you want him to use something from your past to judge your future behavior? Totally agree he is being honest and open with you he could tell you a lie and that has to count for something!! People can change give him a chance before you judge him because of already cheated!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jayhawkgirl Posted November 17, 2005 Author Share Posted November 17, 2005 Thank you all so much for your advice. I know in my heart that I love him and want to trust him, just as I want him to trust me. It definitely helps to hear others unbiased opinions! Link to post Share on other sites
mini696 Posted November 18, 2005 Share Posted November 18, 2005 Just make sure you are honest yourself, do everything you can to have a strong relationship, believe him, and trust him... Its all you can do. The past is the past, and you should not let someones previous actions -especially actions towards someone other than yourself- dictate your current relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted November 18, 2005 Share Posted November 18, 2005 Well, personally I'd be cautious, if I were you. Because of one key word you used... "he cheated - repeatedly" One mistake is easy. More than one is a pattern. Sometimes people cheat once, and it's a mistake, they learn from it, and they never do it again. But...he cheated repeatedly, never got caught, and never suffered anything for having done it. Definitely a MAJOR red flag in my book.... It's all up to you...but I say proceed with caution. Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted November 18, 2005 Share Posted November 18, 2005 There is an argument that goes: people cheat (on someONE) because that person isn't meeting their emotional needs. (I'll leave the arguments about why that is, and whose fault it is, and whether it's 'ok' to cheat aside). Anyway, I think that it's perfectly possible for a person to feel they 'need' to cheat on a particular partner and not on another person. You might like to read this site, which talks about the importance of meeting your partner's emotional needs: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5520_qa.html Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted November 18, 2005 Share Posted November 18, 2005 Sami D has a point, BUT, a decent person whose emotional needs are not being met will express such, and then dump the person who is not meeting them. I happen to believe that cheating is a kind of emotional weakness or neediness. This is why I don't date women who look high maintenence or who are promiscuous -- usually they all suffer from some kind of mental void that NO relationship is ever going to fill. Link to post Share on other sites
Sami_D Posted November 18, 2005 Share Posted November 18, 2005 Must agree with Cecelius that if there's no real need to continue with the relationship you're in (married, children, etc.) then cheating is something slightly different. On the other hand, when the relationships are 'only' at the dating or pre-commitment phase... then that's another situation too. There are a lot of things to consider with this subject. I think talking to your boyfriend and asking him WHY he cheated, and how he feels now, and then running it past LS again might help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jayhawkgirl Posted November 18, 2005 Author Share Posted November 18, 2005 Sami D and Cecelius, thank you for your input. I have talked to him a lot about it and am trying my best to understand. I believe that if you feel the need to cheat (or go through with it), than you should just break up with the person. His reasoning is that they were really good friends & even though he didn't love her like a girlfriend, it was "convenient" for him to stay with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted November 21, 2005 Share Posted November 21, 2005 It's a youth issue then -- he just wasn't that concerned with her feelings or doing the right thing and took that path of least resistance. Just understand that it is there, and for boys the cheating IS more intentional -- boys cannot just get drunk and be taken advantage of, so no matter how nice you think he is, clearly at certain points he has gone on the hunt. Link to post Share on other sites
whistletone Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 Jayhawk-- My ex cheated on other girls before. I asked him in the beginning of our relationship how did I know he wouldn't do that to me. He answered: Because I love you, I didn't love those other girls. Guess what? We are now broken up a year and 5 months later because he was trying to see multiple women. He was writing to some girl on email too and would tell me he was busy and try to make plans with her. I don't trust anyone in regards to cheating because you can never really change a person's make-up or drastically alter them. He's flawed. He may have good intentions now, but sooner or later he will gamble your relationship by testing the waters. I would save yourself some pain and get out early. But people never take advice, so for what it's worth that it my opinion. Lisa Link to post Share on other sites
bolisco2k Posted December 15, 2005 Share Posted December 15, 2005 trust me i have been with my for 1 and a half years. i have caught him in the act of cheating and begged for forgiveness. a month later i caught him again same thing happen he beg. it was like he was somebody esle. he cried, begged said he was seduced i forgave him but guess what last 2 weeks i discovered he had beening sleeping with my co -worker so trust me once a cheat always a cheat. once a lair definitely always a lair. I know there are probably a lot of posts already about this on here, so I'm sorry if I'm just repeating... Anyway, my boyfriend and I have been together for 3 months. Although this is a very short period of time, I am very happy with him and know that we are totally in love. There is one major insecurity that is holding me back...he cheated - repeatedly - on his ex girlfriend, and she never knew. He said he told me because he wants to be totally honest with me...which on one hand I really appreciate but on the other I wish I didn't know! He says he never loved her, but that he loves me and would never think of doing such a thing. How do I trust someone I know has cheated on someone else? Is it true, once a cheater always a cheater? Link to post Share on other sites
bolisco2k Posted December 15, 2005 Share Posted December 15, 2005 i disagree why will you cheat if you say you love me. no wat wat i have done to you and you love me you won't put a another woman in my place that means you don't care. being in l;ove is having the person on your mind everyday, min hour sec.There is an argument that goes: people cheat (on someONE) because that person isn't meeting their emotional needs. (I'll leave the arguments about why that is, and whose fault it is, and whether it's 'ok' to cheat aside). Anyway, I think that it's perfectly possible for a person to feel they 'need' to cheat on a particular partner and not on another person. You might like to read this site, which talks about the importance of meeting your partner's emotional needs: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5520_qa.html Link to post Share on other sites
RainyDayWoman Posted December 15, 2005 Share Posted December 15, 2005 you disagree because you have an extremely biased opinion, bolisko. i've cheated before, yes. i've cheated mulitple times on the same person, yes. was i happy with the relationship, no. should i have broken it off before cheating? yes. did he do things to me that are just as bad as cheating but aren't seen that way because they didn't involve sex? yes. would i cheat now? absolutely not. it's called growing up and knowing the difference between right and wrong. it's called knowing not to indignify myself and stoop to a level that compromises my ideals. i know now to finish one thing before starting another...now i am (maybe) getting engaged. and why do i know this? because i have cheated before, and i have learned my lesson...not because i "got in trouble" over it, but because i don't like the thought of it now, and can't believe that i did it in the first place. i can speak with experience. there is the argument that you never know what's going to happen, you can't say you know you're not going to cheat as an absolute fact...and to some extent that may be true. but i don't think someone like me is any more likely to cheat than someone who has not presently cheated and says they "never" will. so while you were burned, don't pin that every person in the world who has made a mistake, or even 10 mistakes. people change when they are ready. you might as well not ever date anyone again, if this is your mentality, because evryone has the potential and ability to cheat. whether they do or not is up to them, not someone's idea that they will. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted December 15, 2005 Share Posted December 15, 2005 was i happy with the relationship, no. should i have broken it off before cheating? yes. did he do things to me that are just as bad as cheating but aren't seen that way because they didn't involve sex? yes. Such as..? Link to post Share on other sites
RainyDayWoman Posted December 15, 2005 Share Posted December 15, 2005 Such as..? i'm sorry, i don't feel like discussing those particular things. Link to post Share on other sites
makaze Posted December 16, 2005 Share Posted December 16, 2005 If somebody very 'consciously' cheats while in a serious relationship that isn't lacking in anything [according to them] and they love their partner but still wanted it, then it's highly likely they will do it again in a similar situation. Unless they were like, 13 at the time or whatever. Link to post Share on other sites
sparticuss Posted December 16, 2005 Share Posted December 16, 2005 The most important point is who was the girl he cheated on. Was she the same as you from his point of veiw. That is what really affects a gusy inclination to cheat. This "once a cheater always a cheater is just as stupid as the attitude that all girlfreinds are the same. Among guys there are several types of girlfiriends and the characteristics of the different classic types vary among individual girls too. - The girl he's fallen for. This one is headed fro the altar if she stays with him and he's headed for suicide if she breaks up. Guys almost never cheat on this one. - The bit of pussy. Also known at the **** buddy this girl is primarly for sex. She can also be dated too but thats a waste of good bed time. Some guys cheat on this one but not normally. If they do they get a one night stand with some fresh meat but they run the risk of losing their regular **** buddy. - The social accessory. This girl is usually not a sexual partner. Sometimes she's a business partner, sometimes a neighhbour. Shes dated and taken to formal dinners, or deb balls or weddings when everyone else is in couples, and the single person stands out like a sore thumb. This girl is often cheated on because there's neither sex nor love in the relationship. Only social convenience - The hanger on This girl is sometimes a sexual partner sometimes not.. She doesn't love her boyfreinds she loves HAVING boyfriends. In fact she's desperate to have a boyfriend at all costs in order to keep up with her girlfriends . Sex comes with a price. A gift, a date at a place he hates, an uncomfortable meeting wiht her hostile relatives. Any departure from her ideas on dating, sex or relatinships sends her loony. This girl is often cheated on and ALWAYS cheated on when the guy has had enough and is ready to break up. Thats just a few. So unless his last girlfriend was exactly the same as you then ALL issues no longer apply. Sex, cheating, committment, relationships. It's all different. Link to post Share on other sites
Cecelius Posted December 16, 2005 Share Posted December 16, 2005 i'm sorry, i don't feel like discussing those particular things. That's completely cool. My list of reasons where cheating is okay is: he hit her (any genuine physical abuse) killed her dog/parents/whatever I just think that the universe of "unmet emotional needs" that is often cited as the excuse doesn't count, ever. Link to post Share on other sites
RainyDayWoman Posted December 20, 2005 Share Posted December 20, 2005 My list of reasons where cheating is okay is: he hit her (any genuine physical abuse) killed her dog/parents/whatever I just think that the universe of "unmet emotional needs" that is often cited as the excuse doesn't count, ever. i get you. Link to post Share on other sites
shadowofman Posted December 22, 2005 Share Posted December 22, 2005 Men don't typically cheat (extramarital SEX) for their emotions. They do it for new sexual partners. They can still be in love with you and do it anyway. It takes an exceptional man not to cheat. Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted December 22, 2005 Share Posted December 22, 2005 shadowofman, can you say without shadowofdoubt, that men ALWAYS cheat purely for sex? Link to post Share on other sites
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