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Confused and scared

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Confused and scared

First off, I am a guy.

 

I'm 18, and a virgin. My girlfriend is 17, also a virgin. I used to be a christian, and I actually truly believed in sex only after marriage...I promised myself once, long ago, that I would hold myself for marriage.

 

There were reasons for that, but some of those are obsolete...

 

I wanted to make sure that my first time was with someone special. She's very special and means a lot to me...there goes that part of my argument.

 

I wanted to hold specifically christian morals...but I'm no longer a christian any more and I don't see the point as long as it's done responsibly, with protection and such. If two mature people love each other...

 

But along the way a consequence of this promise developed...a mental barrier, if you will, deep within my psyche...it even got to the point where I would turn my head away from watching TV or a movie if a sexy scene was on...I still do this sometimes, and I'm 18...but then I'll go look at porn on the 'net and it only makes the shame worse...

 

I'm just...confused and scared, hence the username. Luckily my girlfriend is a respectable wonderful young girl who cares enough about how I feel to take it slow, but still push a little bit so that I don't just sit there and not try to fight my little mental barrier...I mean, she had to ask me if it was okay for her to take her shirt off!! That just seems...wrong to me. She's sexy to me, and yet I'm such a coward that I'm scared...scared of what I know I feel, what I know I want.

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Maybe your just not ready yet, when I was 18 my girlfriend at the time was 17, we did it for the first time, we had been together a year already and both of us were virgins, the experience was pretty bad, first of all I couldn't perform, was so nervous, had to wait for about an hour or 2, then when we did it, she was very timid, and a little scared. We stopped because it was not that good. I was with her for another year and never had intercourse again! We did other stuff but not intercource, I was not one to ever pressure her. 2 people really have to be comfortable with each others bodies before they have sex. I thought I would share my experience with you.

First off, I am a guy. I'm 18, and a virgin. My girlfriend is 17, also a virgin. I used to be a christian, and I actually truly believed in sex only after marriage...I promised myself once, long ago, that I would hold myself for marriage. There were reasons for that, but some of those are obsolete... I wanted to make sure that my first time was with someone special. She's very special and means a lot to me...there goes that part of my argument. I wanted to hold specifically christian morals...but I'm no longer a christian any more and I don't see the point as long as it's done responsibly, with protection and such. If two mature people love each other... But along the way a consequence of this promise developed...a mental barrier, if you will, deep within my psyche...it even got to the point where I would turn my head away from watching TV or a movie if a sexy scene was on...I still do this sometimes, and I'm 18...but then I'll go look at porn on the 'net and it only makes the shame worse... I'm just...confused and scared, hence the username. Luckily my girlfriend is a respectable wonderful young girl who cares enough about how I feel to take it slow, but still push a little bit so that I don't just sit there and not try to fight my little mental barrier...I mean, she had to ask me if it was okay for her to take her shirt off!! That just seems...wrong to me. She's sexy to me, and yet I'm such a coward that I'm scared...scared of what I know I feel, what I know I want.
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When we are young, religious people tells us a lot of stuff which is primarily designed to keep order in society. Generally, it's not good for a lot of young people to be going around having sex, making babies, and screwing up their lives.

 

Nowdays, they teach responsible sex in school and religious organizations have sort of backed away in their losing battle to get guys to keep it in their pants.

 

I'm not a cleric, but my guess is that if you're worried about going to hell for having sex before marriage...you won't go there. Sex was something created by God, very obviously to have fun. He made it enough fun that men are willing to risk paying $700 or $1,000 per month in child support for having one 15 or 20 minute stab at intercourse.

 

Just to compare, one time at sex where a pregnancy results can cost you in doctor and hospital bills the same as a two week European vacation, with first class travel.

 

One month of child support is about the same as 12 three-day passes to DisneyWorld and Epcot.

 

So maybe hell is an "s" short of the money you'll have to "shell" out if your condom has a leak, or if you don't use birth control at all. And to ensure you shell out the dough, most religions seriously frown on termination of a pregnancy.

 

So if you take a lot of care in making sure you're gal doesn't get pregnant, I think you'll have a fine experience. You won't go to hell. There will be no major consequences. And you'll join the 95 percent of other people who don't wait until they are married to have sex.

 

On the other hand, I think it is extremely admirable that there are other people who do wait until marriage. However, I must tell you there is a risk in doing that. Believe me, even though the biological equipment looks similar in everyone, people can be sexually incompatible.

 

If you continue having problems, see a psychologist. He can work to change your views on this.

 

If you have sex before marriage, both of you are emotionally ready, and you take precautions to avoid unwanted pregnancy, you will still be eligible for heaven. There are some people who feel that an orgasm is about as close to heaven as they're going to get.

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So what is it you're worried about? Why are you apprehensive? Somewhere in your subconscious mind there are remnants of your past religious beliefs. That's what you have to get at and reprogram.

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Hi Confused and Scared,

First off, I am a guy. I'm 18, and a virgin. My girlfriend is 17, also a virgin. I used to be a christian, and I actually truly believed in sex only after marriage...I promised myself once, long ago, that I would hold myself for marriage. There were reasons for that, but some of those are obsolete... I wanted to make sure that my first time was with someone special. She's very special and means a lot to me...there goes that part of my argument. I wanted to hold specifically christian morals...but I'm no longer a christian any more and I don't see the point as long as it's done responsibly, with protection and such. If two mature people love each other... But along the way a consequence of this promise developed...a mental barrier, if you will, deep within my psyche...it even got to the point where I would turn my head away from watching TV or a movie if a sexy scene was on...I still do this sometimes, and I'm 18...but then I'll go look at porn on the 'net and it only makes the shame worse... I'm just...confused and scared, hence the username. Luckily my girlfriend is a respectable wonderful young girl who cares enough about how I feel to take it slow, but still push a little bit so that I don't just sit there and not try to fight my little mental barrier...I mean, she had to ask me if it was okay for her to take her shirt off!! That just seems...wrong to me. She's sexy to me, and yet I'm such a coward that I'm scared...scared of what I know I feel, what I know I want.

There are two viewpoints you could take on this -- 1.) because you're confused and scared you should hold off until you feel ready and comfortable or 2.) because you're confused and scared, that you should "jump into the pool and learn to swim," so to speak. I think it's a personal decision that you need to make as you examine and identify what exactly seems to be inhibiting you. I'll have to agree with Tony's last posting that makes references to past belief systems to which you subscribed that still resonate within your conscience. You may no longer classify yourself as a Christian, but that doesn't necessarily mean that the morals that you or others have engrained within you will vanish. From your descriptions regarding scenes on television and the sensations of guilt from looking at porographic materials, I think it's safe to say that that's what's happening here.

 

Incidentally, I think it's interesting to note that had you had told us you were female, you most likely would have gotten responses that pushed more towards the "You should wait until your comfortable" perspective. I really didn't see any of those messages made in response to yours and felt I should jump in. Coupled along with the frustration of being unsure about your feelings and what is the right thing for you to do, you have that added pressure of being the of the sex which is the traditional initiator and seeker of sexual opportunities. I think you touch upon this when you comment on how "wrong" it was that your girlfriend had to ask if she could take off her shirt, just as she may be pressured to enter into a sexual relationship with you. Most likely she's feeling the same apprehensions as you!

 

I would highly advise that you let this young lady know what exactly you are feeling. Print out your message that you posted here if you must and share it with her... let her know that you're having these doubts, but that she does mean a lot to you. Find out what her desires are and share yours. And try and reach a level of intimacy in which you both can be comfortable. There *are* couples out there who don't engage in intercourse and yet are more intimate with each other than those go at it like rabbits. The last thing you want to do is something that you will both regret, so make sure all the cards are on the table from the get go.

 

Best wishes,

 

LoveAngel

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Confused and scared,

 

As an aside, for an example of why it's so important to make your feelings known to your special girl, see the message posted by Rita on July 7, 2001 entitled "sexual problem".

 

Best wishes,

 

LoveAngel

Incidentally, I think it's interesting to note that had you had told us you were female, you most likely would have gotten responses that pushed more towards the "You should wait until your comfortable" perspective. I really didn't see any of those messages made in response to yours and felt I should jump in. Coupled along with the frustration of being unsure about your feelings and what is the right thing for you to do, you have that added pressure of being the of the sex which is the traditional initiator and seeker of sexual opportunities. I think you touch upon this when you comment on how "wrong" it was that your girlfriend had to ask if she could take off her shirt, just as she may be pressured to enter into a sexual relationship with you. Most likely she's feeling the same apprehensions as you! I would highly advise that you let this young lady know what exactly you are feeling. Print out your message that you posted here if you must and share it with her... let her know that you're having these doubts, but that she does mean a lot to you. Find out what her desires are and share yours. And try and reach a level of intimacy in which you both can be comfortable. There *are* couples out there who don't engage in intercourse and yet are more intimate with each other than those go at it like rabbits. The last thing you want to do is something that you will both regret, so make sure all the cards are on the table from the get go. Best wishes, LoveAngel
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