Can you will yourself to love someone?

[sophia34]

Here's the short version of a long story: I've been with my boyfriend for 8 (yes, 8) years. We're both 36. He has wanted to get married since year 2. I have been stalling because I don't know if he's "the one." The problem is that he's perfect for me in every way: We laugh and have fun. He's kind, supportive, and self-sufficient. Our senses of humor mesh, we both love football and rollerblading. He's a moderate Republican and I'm a moderate Democrat, which means we meet in the middle on most issues. He wants children, and I could go either way. I respect him and even love him, but I don't think I'm "in love" with him. Haven't since year two. The "spark" and excitement just isn't there; I don't think we're the "soul mates" everyone talks about. But he's just so great, and he loves me so much. I just haven't been able to decide. That indecision has hurt both of us, in wasted time.

 

Here's the question: Can I force the "in love" part? Can I live without the spark? I haven't wanted to hurt him and I've feared the consequences of breaking up--both of us being alone for the rest of our lives. That may sound like an exaggeration, but it's really not. I know us both very well. I don't want to go through this ever again--I would NEVER put myself in this situation of possibly hurting someone so badly ever again--so I would definitely take myself off the market. And I don't flatter myself when I say that if I broke up with him, I would crush him. I know him, and I really think that's what would happen. He's so incredibly sensitive, and he's so shy that he would never pursue another relationship. He doesn't put himself in situations where he would meet another woman easily (in fact, we met by accident, through a mutual friend, and I had to jump through hoops to get him to notice my attention!)

 

I also fear the consequences of getting married. Trying to avoid hurting someone is no reason to stay together, I realize. He deserves someone who can love him without reservation. I don't want to get married and not give him 100 percent.

 

I also don't even know that I know what love is--there was a rush of adrenaline when we first started dating because it was just so wonderful to have him care about me. But I'm not sure I'd call that love. I've never been in love, and never felt it, so I might not even be capable of finding what I think is missing from this relationship.

 

Of course, being alone isn't a horrible thing. But the carnage left behind by a breakup would be so great for the both of us, I don't know if either of us could stand it. I WANT to love him. There is nothing wrong with him at all. This is all about me. In fact, I recently put my house up for sale to force myself to make a decision--get married and buy a house together or break up and I'd move to a new house alone. Now I'm panicked and miserable because I still don't want to make a (what I consider) irrevocable decision.

 

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Have any words of wisdom? I'm desperate to resolve this--eight years is way too long to live in limbo! I know no one can make this decision but me, but I'd love to hear anyone's thoughts.

[Outcast]

The 'spark' is a function of newness and infatuation. As those elements wear off, they are replaced by a deep, abiding love that has a different sort of flame.

 

Imagine your future without him. Imagine him dying tomorrow. How does that make you feel?

[sophia34]

When I imagine a future without him, my feelings are incredibly mixed. On the one hand, I know I'd miss him terribly. On the other hand, I feel very free and independent.

 

I just don't know....

[LucreziaBorgia]

Of course, being alone isn't a horrible thing. But the carnage left behind by a breakup would be so great for the both of us, I don't know if either of us could stand it.

 

Its nothing compared to what the divorce will be like.

 

I think you need to spare yourselves both that eventual pain. The mixed feelings you have now will only multiply when you realize you are in a more permanent situation.

[Reckless]

Your reluctance to commit to this person, even after 8 years is a big indicator that there's something wrong somewhere.

 

Sure, that 'something wrong' may simply be what you expect love to feel like. As Outcaste said, maybe for whatever reason you are expecting it to have the constant 'zing' of first contact. But the point is moot really, the sense of 'selling yourself short' is incredibly distructive to a partnership; whether it is in fact true or not is irrelevant.

 

If it's important that you have that 'I was put on earth to love this person' feeling then it is. No one can judge you, hold out for this, (you may be shooting yourself in the foot, however as love can come from the most unexpected places).

 

The fact is, no one should have to make themselves homeless to force their own hand to marry someone. It's not pulling teeth. Your man sounds sweet and ending a 8-year relationship is horrible but living with someone because you pity them and don't think they'll ever meet someone else is worse.

 

I for one would not want to be with someone if they felt 'panicked and miserable' at the thought of spending the rest of their life with me. And I would questions that person's emotional stability if they took 6-years to tell me.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Here's the short version of a long story: I've been with my boyfriend for 8 (yes, 8) years. We're both 36. He has wanted to get married since year 2. I have been stalling because I don't know if he's "the one." The problem is that he's perfect for me in every way: We laugh and have fun. He's kind, supportive, and self-sufficient. Our senses of humor mesh, we both love football and rollerblading. He's a moderate Republican and I'm a moderate Democrat, which means we meet in the middle on most issues. He wants children, and I could go either way. I respect him and even love him, but I don't think I'm "in love" with him. Haven't since year two. The "spark" and excitement just isn't there; I don't think we're the "soul mates" everyone talks about. But he's just so great, and he loves me so much. I just haven't been able to decide. That indecision has hurt both of us, in wasted time.

 

 

Conventional wisdom on this type of a relationship issue almost always coerces everyone to side with the person's apparent instinct that says "no", but your own words have sent me over to the other side firmly.

 

That "soul mates" stuff is crrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrAP !!

 

If everyone had a soul mate, then how come more of them are behind you in the same math class in Sioux Falls than are working at a 7-Eleven in Bangladesh??

 

That stuff is for people who think "cupid" owes them something, and not for people who want to play an important role in their own love life.

 

Fact is, from all you've stated, you HAAAAAAAVE the foundation from which a fantastic future and old age can arise, right there with that man you know so well.

 

Great relationships are about risk and vulnerability in front of the other, and after eight years you should have every understanding of which avenues to go down to pique your own personal/emotional/sexual excitement with this trustworthy man there at your side.

 

You have so much... and if I had to just guess, I'd guess that you haven't found emotional avenues (er, well, haven't proceeded down emotional avenues) that will leave you tingling after you each raise the ante in the close company of the other (naked or not).

 

So take the dare from your intellectual mind... tell him some of your real fantasies or dreams, and push the envelope of "love" a little bit...

 

You can indeed seem to "will" your own romantic success, but not PASSIVELY... you have to be active, and be the bold one to push the envelope even past the point where you think you're SURE how he's going to react.

 

Keep us informed!!

[Yamaha]

So take the dare from your intellectual mind... tell him some of your real fantasies or dreams, and push the envelope of "love" a little bit...

 

Good advice. See if you can open up to him and let him become even more emotionally available to you and you to him. This is the stuff of love. If you close off you will never find out if you truly love him. Use your mind instead of the "butterflies" that so many women judge as romantic love.

[sophia34]

And I would questions that person's emotional stability if they took 6-years to tell me.

 

 

He and I are definitely a bit unstable when it comes to this ... I've expressed my fears and uncertainties to him, so he knows that part, but I haven't had the courage to break things off. I've even tried to get him to break up with ME by telling him that he shouldn't waste any more time waiting for me to come around. On the flip side, he has waited, patiently, all this time. We both have issues!

 

I definitely appreciate the insight, on both sides. There's risk both ways. Stay together, and risk an unhappy marriage. Break up and risk realizing that "it" was there all along but I didn't realize it.

 

I've found myself wishing I'd never met him. It would have been a lonely eight years, but at least I wouldn't have to go through this. This is the worst period, I think, of my entire life, with no path seeming any better than the other.

 

But I've got to choose one! And I will...something will give, and I'll have to choose one. If nothing else is certain, that one thing is certain at the very least.

[sophia34]

Use your mind instead of the "butterflies" that so many women judge as romantic love.

 

And, Yamaha and Sincere, I'll definitely think through this idea as well. Somewhere, intellectually and emotionally, there's got to be an answer!

[LucreziaBorgia]

I was faced with a decision like this once. Marry the guy I had dated for years, in a relationship in which I felt flatlined or break up and move on. I broke up and moved on - and met someone for whom I DID feel those deep feelings for. Still feel them after nearly ten years of being married, too. Best decision I ever made. My family thought it was the worst, and my friends thought I was insane for ditching a "sure thing", but why settle for a "sure thing" when your heart really isn't in it? Your heart will never be in it once you emotionally check out.

 

Of course, its a gamble. Maybe this 'sure thing' is the 'real deal', maybe not. I guess you just have to decide what it means to be married. Do you feel like you have to be married to someone? Are you getting married simply because the option of being alone isn't appealing?

[ReluctantRomeo]

The 'spark' is a function of newness and infatuation.

 

For emphasis.

 

My suggestion is that you either decide you can go for it wholeheartedly and without reserve or leave him. For what it's worth, my own observation suggests that inability to commit fully is most likely a function of what is in your head, not the relationship. So it will be reproduced whomever you're with.

 

But as in Lucrezia's case, it is possible that your doubts are telling you something. And you may even get lucky as she did. Don't count on it though.

[sophia34]

I can honestly say that I've never felt the need to be married to someone--that's probably part of the problem. I've always been fiercely independent. The idea of getting married feels like it will be a loss of that--not so much of my independence. I know I'll still get to do what I want, for the most part. But a loss of being represented as my own person--of everything I do being identified with ME and no one else.

 

I can't articulate it any better than that. But I really need to separate the two emotions--my feelings for him and my feelings for marriage in general. A fear of being alone is no reason to get married. But a fear of getting married is also no reason for staying alone. If that makes any sense.

[ReluctantRomeo]

A fear of being alone is no reason to get married. But a fear of getting married is also no reason for staying alone. If that makes any sense.

 

Makes a lot of sense. I think you're handling this well.

[FWIW]

It would be a mistake to get married, if you're feeling this doubtful. FOR SURE.

 

But how do you know if you'd miss him, if you split up? You don't.. and that's what sucks. But you don't HAVE to choose between two impossibly difficult extremes - there's a middle way. A cooling off. A trial separation. Tell him you're not sure and that you need to sort your head out. You need to figure out your true feelings rather than choose a path you're not sure of beyond reasonable doubt. If he loves you he'll wait. If YOU really loved HIM you wouldn't be at this point, I suspect, but you need to figure that one out for yourself.

 

If you become single again, you WILL meet other potential mates. Never be scared of ending up alone for the rest of your days. Just get out and meet people, and Life Itself will take care of it for you.

 

Life's too short to be shackled to the Not Quite Right person, no matter how Nearly Right they are. You deserve the Totally Right person, and there are many out there who could be him. Go find one. And don't ruin your bf's life by pretending you love him if you don't. He deserves better too. And don't feel guilty - it's HIS life to make of it what he needs to. If he ends up alone it's because HE hasn't made the effort to get out and meet people, it not YOUR fault for leaving a relationship that wasn't working.

 

Just imagine how messy it would be if you were already married, and wondering whether to leave him! Or if you had kids to 'cement your relationship' and yet you still felt unfulfilled. Nasty.

 

Trust your instincts - they serve you well. Be true to yourself.

 

Good luck!

[ReluctantRomeo]

Trust your instincts - they serve you well. Be true to yourself.

 

My instincts say "never take advice from someone who sexes up a sheep for their avatar"

 

Seriously, you should listen to your instinct. But try to understand the whys and wherefores - often our instincts jump to conclusions which do NOT serve us well. Read the book "Blink" if you're interested in more...

[FWIW]

LOL re: the sheep... I didn't take the pic myself

 

.. often our instincts jump to conclusions which do NOT serve us well. Read the book "Blink" if you're interested in more...

 

I'm interested in this, but I'm not about to read a whole book.. can you summarise the main points please?!

 

thanks

[Outcast]

The idea of getting married feels like it will be a loss of that--not so much of my independence. I know I'll still get to do what I want, for the most part. But a loss of being represented as my own person--of everything I do being identified with ME and no one else.

 

= commitment phobia.

 

Why is this so important to you and why do you think things you do won't be identified with you? Why would they not be? Sorry but I have trouble understanding this line of thinking. Is this the impression you have of your mother? Is this about your parents' relationship?

[sophia34]

Can't really use my parents' situation as a model! I was raised by my grandmother--grandfather lived in a different state. Saw my biological mother during the summer and at Christmas.

 

My grandmother was the strongest, most independent and wonderful woman I know. She took care of herself and of me and gave me pretty much anything that I ever needed or wanted, even though she only received Social Security!

 

So I'm not really coming from a traditional family structure.

 

Note to Reluctant Romeo: I've put "Blink" on hold at the library to read when it comes available!

[Becoming]

Tough one. I can see why you're paralyzed. You might check out http://www.marriagebuilders.com for some really level-headed stuff on marriage and relationships. It's really good stuff.

 

If you're afraid you can't do better and that's the basis for getting married, what's that say about what you think of yourself? And is fear really a good foundation for a marriage?

 

But I agree with the idea of soul mates and all that crrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrap! Sometimes the spark of passion becomes an endless nightmare of passionate conflict.

 

Sometimes just great companionship is great . . . but boring. So maybe you need the thrill for some reasons that you need to get in touch with? Dunno.

 

But I really can see your dilemma, if it helps any. You may need a therapist's help with this at what you see as a crucial crossroads in your life. Sure sounds like a good use of resources at a critical juncture, and you both deserve it.

[sophia34]

Well, life can change in an instant. A couple days ago my boyfriend completely stunned me by proposing. One minute, we were looking at house listings that the realtor sent--I thought we could buy the house together and I could figure out my feelings more from there. The next moment, he's pulling out a ring and proposing.

 

And now, it's on my finger. I said yes. And I'm still not sure what to do. Some moments I'm really happy at the prospect of merging my life with his and in the very next moments I'm thinking, "Oh no, what have I done?" At lesat there's some sense of relief because there's a direction now. I'm not on the fence, at least publicly. Family and friends are ecstatic.

 

But he has agreed to a long engagement. I still need to think things through. I think I just need to have faith that things will work out for the best. Thanks to everyone here for their advice and help!

[ReluctantRomeo]

Note to Reluctant Romeo: I've put "Blink" on hold at the library to read when it comes available!

 

And I may even do you a summary sometime when I have a bit of time - I love doing this kind of thing

[vixen123]

dear sophia...don't end up like me...I'm living your life one year ahead in engagement and its horrible...

[sophia34]

vixen123, could you tell me more about your situation? How are you coping?

 

My boyfriend (now fiance, I guess) is so happy right now, and his family is so happy. I don't know what to do. I shouldn't have said "yes." I can't stand to even think of what I've done.

 

He doesn't deserve this--he's such a wonderful guy. Nobody deserves what I've done, and I don't know how I could have messed things up so badly. I don't know how to fix it or how live with it.

 

And I don't know WHY I feel this way. I don't know why I can't love him. He's perfect for me. I don't know why I can't be happy with this. I hate this so much. I don't know why this is happening.

 

That icon doesn't even begin to describe this.

[ReluctantRomeo]

I don't know how to fix it or how live with it.

 

Talk to him. Be honest. Tell him you're scared and you don't know why. Ask for his help in working thru this.

[Yamaha]

Talking to him about how you feel might help your anxiety. He might have some as well. Sometimes when you have dated so long you just expect marriage to be the next step. Maybe some relationship counseling for you both would help with your commitment concerns. Take your time until you feel comfortable. If you are unhappy you will make both of your lives hell.