To Laurynn

[Jim]

I appreciate the piece of advice you wrote, dated friday july 6, 2001 at 8:45pm to the message i posted with the subject "Please help, i'm so confused." dated friday july 6, 2001 at 3:29am.

 

first of all, i don't like to tell my age. i hope you don't mind. we had been seeing each other for 6 months now. this is not the first time i had sex. I didn't used any lubricant during my first time with my ex-girlfriend.

 

i know i sounded that i didn't care for my girlfriend. but i really do love and care for her very much. the only reason i acted the way i acted is because of self worth. i kept thinking that if she gave her virginity to me that means she loves me and i can somehow rely that she won't leave me and IT'S NOT BECAUSE I ONLY WANTED SEX. if it is i would have look for other girls who are more willing especially after my girlfriend changed her mind about making love. that's why i can't find peace after she changed her mind about making love to me coz i kept on thinking maybe she don't love me anymore and it sounded like i just wanted sex.

 

now, i don't bring the sex part up anymore although i still can't find peace coz of my fear. i did apologized to her for acting the way i acted that day.

 

Laurynn, i have some question regarding what you've said, "If I were you, I wouldn't bring this up again......let her bring it up, WHEN SHE'S READY. Maybe she's not ready now. Maybe she was really turned off/hurt (emotionally hurt) by the fact that you were so pushy and didn't seem to care that she was experiencing pain? Maybe she wanted her first time to be very special and you didn't seem to care all that much about HER (just cared about getting your dick into her, come hell or high water)."

 

my questions are:

 

1) if she was turned off or hurt from my behaviour that day, does that mean it affected her feelings for me too although we still see each other just like before?

 

2) will the "when she's ready" day still come if she was hurt/turned of that day?

 

3) aside from not bringing it up again, what should i do for her not to think that i only wanted the sex part but also cared for her?

 

thanks in advance for any help and for the advice.

[Tony T]

I'm not going to respond to your post for Laurynn, but I do want to make a comment.

 

YOU WRITE: "first of all, i don't like to tell my age. i hope you don't mind."

 

If you want to get maximum use of the information that Laurynn, or anyone else here, has to give age can be a very important factor.

 

Since there are approximately 68,954,562 guys named Jim in the world, how could it harm you in any way to give your age? It would take a thousand lifetimes to try to identify you...and you have a pretty inflated opinion of yourself if you think anyone would take the time. And once somebody found your age, it would take them even more time to find someone who cared enough to want the information.

 

It really helps us to know the age of posters in many cases. If Laurynn asked your age, you can bet that's an important factor. I promise, she will tell nobody!!!

[Laurynn]

Hi Jim,

 

Okay the only reason I asked your age was because there was something vaguely familiar about your situation (I have a memory like an elephant LOL). I seem to recall some posts here in the past, by an older guy (30's?) who was dating an 18-19 yr old virgin........and he seemed absolutely obsessed with having sex with her......and it was more than apparent from the info in his posts that his girlfriend was simply not ready for sex...in fact, it seemed that she was quite naive when it came to sex.......and he came here asking if all of her actions meant that she didn't love him (he equated her having sex with him as her LOVING HIM).....he seemed to be trying damn hard to get into her pants, despite her 'comfort level'...... But hey, maybe that wasn't you...but that's why I asked :-)

my questions are: 1) if she was turned off or hurt from my behaviour that day, does that mean it affected her feelings for me too although we still see each other just like before?

I have no idea, that's something only she could answer. I'm sure if she was so turned off and hurt by things, she'd likely break up with you. If things are still good/the same between you otherwise, I really wouldn't worry.

2) will the "when she's ready" day still come if she was hurt/turned of that day?

I guess it depends on a few things: how good your relationship is overall, how close the two of you are emotionally/mentally, how open your communication is, how much she trusts you, how NON-PRESSURED she feels about having sex with you, whether or not you make a 'big deal' out of having sex, etc.....

3) aside from not bringing it up again, what should i do for her not to think that i only wanted the sex part but also cared for her?

Well, show her how much she means to you in other ways: really listening to her when she tells you something, leaving her little love notes, doing 'little things' to show her how much she means to you, little surprises: like buying her favorite ice-cream, renting her favorite movie, things like that......by showing her that you are committed to her, loyal, that you can be trusted.........by being affectionate (but not groping her/all over her..or thinking that because you give her a passionate kiss that it MUST lead to 'making out'........

 

Seriously though...if it's been 6 months and you're growing very frustrated with the fact that she doesn't want to have sex, or she's just not interested in it (and you've discussed WHY she's not/why she has a problem with it all), then you might want to consider ending the relationship...because it seems to me that you equate sex with love..so if you're not getting sex from her, you're insecure in that you're doubting/questioning her love/feelings for you.......that's got to be stressful, hey?

 

Are you SURE she's really 19? Because I'd think nowadays, most 19 yr olds would know that:

 

a) NO, having sex for the first time (and the discomfort of same) is NOT going to 'cause a fever' and 'cause you to miss a day of school'........no offense but did your girlfriend just fall off the turnip truck? That's the craziest MYTH I've ever heard. She sounds awfully naive and sheltered for a 19 yr old.

 

But seriously, if you ever DO attempt intercourse again, definitely get some KY Jelly (lubrication, water based!).....and you or her, put some 'down there' (on her) prior to attempting penetration....yeah, it's probably still going to be a little uncomfortable until you're all the way in, but come on now, it can't be THAT painful.....or is she just a wuss? People have been losing their virginity for thousands of years. It's not like having open heart surgery LOL (no offense to you).

 

Maybe you could do this......go to the bookstore and see if there's a book on Sex, or look around online (one place that sells books, Amazon.com/click here ....maybe she just has no clue about all this and is too embarassed to admit it. I'm sure there are books out there that explain about sexual intercourse, losing one's virginity, how it might feel the first time, etc.......Seems to me that she needs a good trusted source of info (not dippy friends who tell her that losing one's virginity will give you a fever/cause you to miss school..sheesh!).

 

Hope that helps some??

 

Laurynn