Cat-ty Posted November 18, 2005 Share Posted November 18, 2005 hey, (i posted this in the infidelity section but thought itd be better here) this is my first post and unfortunatley it's not a happy one. My first boyfriend who I dated for 2 years moved away to university. We stayed together and my main rules were for him not to go to a strip club and not to cheat. He knew perfectly well that I was serious about this. Then when he came home for the summer I found out he had gone to a strip club and got a lap dance. He lied and told me that the stripper was wearing underwear and a bra and only after did I find out that she's naked and dry humps him. I broke up with him during the summer but then a few months later we got back together again. He said he won't get lap dances while he is in a relationship w/ me and that he only went the first time because he was curious of what it was like and it was the last day of school. I don't know how to feel about this. I absolutely dread the idea of a lap dance ESPECIALLY when the guy is in a relationship. I feel defeated and confused and am not sure whether or not I should forgive him or forget him. Please tell me what U think i should do. Link to post Share on other sites
Sarah12385 Posted November 18, 2005 Share Posted November 18, 2005 If he has to control himself from getting lapdances, that should be a big red flag telling you to leave him. Why stay in a relationship if you're just gonna be paranoid half the time? Men that are interested and serious about relationships don't need to go to strip clubs ~Sarah~ Link to post Share on other sites
mini696 Posted November 18, 2005 Share Posted November 18, 2005 I agree with Sarah... You had the ground rules set, and he broke them. The trust is gone. Link to post Share on other sites
makaze Posted November 18, 2005 Share Posted November 18, 2005 You won't trust him again, he consciously did something you clearly said you disapprove of. His defense isn't very passable either. I wouldn't really give him a second chance. Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted November 18, 2005 Share Posted November 18, 2005 You should definitely break up. 1) You need to stop trying to place such unrealistic rules on your partner because of your own insecurities. 2) He needs to grow a pair and be man enough to say "You're being ridiculous", rather than acquiesce and lie about it later. By no means however, should you think that this is only his fault. Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted November 18, 2005 Share Posted November 18, 2005 I am merely presenting another angle to this argument, one which, while it may not be shared by yourself, represents a real and valid set of points. While YOU might see it as perfectly reasonable to tell your partner what they can and can not do, myself and many others do not. This guy and this girl do not belong together, they are far too different. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cat-ty Posted November 18, 2005 Author Share Posted November 18, 2005 to Enema: i respect your opinion but if you could just elaborate on: a) how this situation shows that i am insecure b) how this is my fault c) how u figure that we are so different *just want more of an understanding (no disrespect) Link to post Share on other sites
makaze Posted November 18, 2005 Share Posted November 18, 2005 It is not wrong to feel uncomfortable about any particular thing, no matter how absurd or unreasonable it may sound to you. You have the right to tell your SO what bothers you and he/she could either 1) agree to never do that or 2) say he can't make that kind of sacrifice and that you should either live with it or dump him. This guy obviously agreed to what she said. Once you agree, it's your own fault whatever you do, because someone else is trusting you on it. He should've said 'no' in the first place. Not much to debate here either. Also, it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with self esteem. Of course it's easiest for you to assume that but quite surprisingly not all people do or feel the same things for the exact same reason. This guy and this girl do not belong together, they are far too different. I wasn't disagreeing with this. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted November 18, 2005 Share Posted November 18, 2005 What would i do if this happen? I would dump his ass and move on!!! Link to post Share on other sites
chrissy123 Posted November 19, 2005 Share Posted November 19, 2005 She has everyright to not want her bf to have a naked chick grinding her stuff into him. I don't consider that insecure in any way.... I consider it Normal and expected and realistic. While YOU might see it as perfectly reasonable to tell your partner what they can and can not do, myself and many others do not. You might see it as reasonable to cheat on your SO with strippers but many many people do not. It is reasonable to tell you partner they cannot particapte in a behavior you consider cheating. I personally have told my bf he can not get lap dances because I consider it cheating. I am NOT controlling or insecure, I just expect 100% faithfullness in a realtionship. Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted November 21, 2005 Share Posted November 21, 2005 That's why i said you guys are far too different to be in a relationship together. You have (what i consider) to be crazy ideas about faithfulness and what is considered an acceptable "rule". Your man obviously does not agree but was too afraid to say anything. It's important to remember that we all have different ideas about what is "right" and "wrong". Your ideas are a little bit antiquated, perhaps look in churches for a new bf, that way they're preconditioned to follow silly rules and would probably avoid strip clubs anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
chrissy123 Posted November 21, 2005 Share Posted November 21, 2005 Enema... just a ? for you. So you are saying you would be 100% ok with your SO having a naked person grinding into their lap and think nothing of it? I do agree with you that they are probably too different to be in a relationship, but people do have every right to say they consider sexual contact whether paid for or not with a member of the opposite sex to be cheating. They have every right to say that if someone wants to be in a relationship with them it is not allowed. It is also kinda far-fetched to think only guys who go to church can respect a woman and her feelings and not go to strip clubs. Link to post Share on other sites
reddog63 Posted November 21, 2005 Share Posted November 21, 2005 "You should definitely break up. 1) You need to stop trying to place such unrealistic rules on your partner because of your own insecurities. 2) He needs to grow a pair and be man enough to say "You're being ridiculous", rather than acquiesce and lie about it later. By no means however, should you think that this is only his fault." I agree totally. I do not think that occasionally going to a strip club is that big of a deal. Let me guess, can he not have a Penthouse magazine or one or a few porn videos in the house either??? Link to post Share on other sites
Toni_no12002 Posted November 21, 2005 Share Posted November 21, 2005 I think its wrong for men to have lapdances.Yes you shouldnt make rules to your boyfriend but would her boyfriend like it if the tables where turned?i dont think so! She is obviously hurt by what he has done and i think he is wrong in doing it. I say if people men or women want to watch strippers stay single cos its not fair! Theres no need for it!get your g/f or b/f to strip!or something like that instead of looking elsewhere! are the people disagreeing with her saying that its ok to do this?how is it ok?Just because its the strippers job its ok!what if he went out and some total stranger striped for him and did this would it be different?no its not fair on her.He should realise what hes got before its gone or has it already? Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted November 21, 2005 Share Posted November 21, 2005 If my husband came home and told me he had a lap dance - I'd laugh. One-A-Day-Tan Link to post Share on other sites
Moai Posted November 21, 2005 Share Posted November 21, 2005 Maybe it's just me, but I don't see what the big deal is with lap dances. I think that they are stupid. They are WAY too expensive, they aren't sexy at all. No turn-on whatsoever. Beyond that, strip clubs aren't that much fun, either. Drinks are way too expensive, it's too loud to talk to the people you are with, and way too crowded with douchebags. The only time I have fun is when I go with a girlfriend of mine. It's hilarious, and she gets lap dances and goes crazy. Absolutely slays me. But it doesn't turn me on romantically. Maybe I am just jaded. Link to post Share on other sites
Audrey1 Posted November 21, 2005 Share Posted November 21, 2005 Men going to stripclubs on their own or with their buddies is a no-go when you are in a serious relationship. Is is control? No. It's a matter of respect. The church, as one poster suggested, has nothing to do with it. It is not antiquated to expect that your partner not seek outside persons or places for sexual arrousal. And you often hear men say I wouldn't care if my wife went to an all male strip club. Well, fine. But women are wired differently. I don't know too many women who find men in thongs attractive anyway. So I think this example isn't realistic. Let's say however, for another example, that a strange man asks to see your wife or GF naked. Asks her to bend over or face him and spread her legs open so he can take a nice close look at her. Well, would THAT scenario bother you men? It's not like they're cheating, right? It's just good harmless fun as you call it. Strip clubs are not innocent. And going to one, I feel, is a deal breaker. Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 Just step back for a minute and think without your own opinions affecting this. Type 1 Person: Thinks that strip clubs are ok. Type 2 Person: Thinks that strip clubs are not ok. Neither of these people are "wrong". All I'm saying is that Type 1 Person should not be involved with Type 2 Person. That is exactly the situation the OP is in. In regards to church, I'm not saying that there are no people outside of a church that is a Type 2 Person (see above), however the density of Type 2 People is much higher at churches, you'll have better luck finding someone that thinks like you there. Link to post Share on other sites
reddog63 Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 Well..........I was not speaking of a habit of going to a titty bar............and I can understand your argument that it is wrong. I just believe a marriage is healthier if both are grown up enough not to worry about something like this. And if she wanted to go to a chippendale showing...........fine with me. Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 While YOU might see it as perfectly reasonable to tell your partner what they can and can not do, myself and many others do not. whilst she cant tell him what he can and cant do. she can say what she will and wont put up with. Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 Well..........I was not speaking of a habit of going to a titty bar............and I can understand your argument that it is wrong. I just believe a marriage is healthier if both are grown up enough not to worry about something like this. And if she wanted to go to a chippendale showing...........fine with me. i do agree with you there, but this comes with the security of a good relationship and age. when you are young and insecure as young people are, she should not have to put up with something that makes you feel more insecure. Link to post Share on other sites
chrissy123 Posted November 23, 2005 Share Posted November 23, 2005 I just believe a marriage is healthier if both are grown up enough not to worry about something like this.... So being a grown up means being ok with my bf having naked ... rubbed all into his body and having fak boobies shoved in his face and being allowed to feel all over them? Man I really really hope I never grow up. Link to post Share on other sites
Toni_no12002 Posted November 23, 2005 Share Posted November 23, 2005 I dont think its got anything to do with being grown up.Everyone has things that upsets them or scares them but that doesnt mean there immature. Link to post Share on other sites
suzy Posted November 23, 2005 Share Posted November 23, 2005 Cat-ty, This is a difficult one to answer, but I'll have a go. Technically, no, he didnt cheat, and lots of guys go to strip clubs at the end of the night whilst in the company of a gang of guys (probably being a bit macho and coaxing him on) however.... You were very specific that you did not want him to go to a strip-club/get a lap-dance, and he agreed to that "ground-rule" knowing it was important you. By going he has damaged the trust between you guys and I think that THAT is the real difficult issue here. You will now need to decide whether it is worth continuing your relationship based on how much you feel you can trust him, rather than the specifics of whether lap-dancing is morally o.k. If its not o.k. for you, its not o.k. for you- end of story. Take care x Link to post Share on other sites
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