Oh, What to do...............

[Prettyinblack]

My b/f and I split up in July and started to speak again in September. He broke up with me. I was a musician until 3 years ago when I was diagnosed with a disease that almost took my life 2 x and lost my mother in the process. It was a difficult time.

Anyway, the bf hung in with me, was supportive and all that but has been waiting for me to get my motivation back to start playing music again, but I have lost the passion. He is a musician as well. I have tried to start things up again musically but find that I feel depressed about the whole thing and he doesn't get it. How could he, he may have went through the illness with me, but I feel like my whole world changed and can't seem to get my old life back. I am seeing a therapist to help me resolve this issue but am not "there" yet in terms of playing again.

My b/f and I broke up because of this.....he said that he has been waiting and his dream was to play together and I will think about playing with other people but not him, and he doesn't know what the heck to do. I think he was waiting and just got fed up.

So, today, here is where we are at. We have gotten together 2x since September but his life now is filled up with rehearsals and gigs and we don't spend much time together. I feel that I had to have a real job where I have benefits for medical in case, and the job I have just about zapps me of all my energy. It's like he has said to himself, "I'm not waiting for you musically" and has filled his life with jams and gigs and I feel lost. Our schedules are kind of opposite now, the nights I work, he's off to rehearsals and the nights I'm off, he's gigging. I haven't even gone out to the gigs because I look at it like this.....make time for me or I won't make time for you.......I come up with lame excuses for not going.

The worst of it is, I love him and I know he loves me. I'm not dealing well with the 'busi-ness' of his life and don't know where I fit in anymore. It makes me sad. But then again, I feel sad that I have lost the life I used to live. I used to be so carefree but now, am afraid.....of what I don't know and am not sure.......I'm just afraid like the big black dog(my illness) is right around the corner. It's like my whole life changed and I don't know who I am anymore. I think when you get really sick, you realize just how vulnerable you really are and that life can change on a dime. My b'f has had the 'charmed life'. No deaths in the family, no illness, his parents are 85 abd still live on their own. I have lost my entire family and my health (although I'm pretty good now,) and I look at life differently now.

ANy coping suggestions?

Thanks

[Outcast]

It's unfortunate that your bf's dreams hinge so strongly on having a musical partner. Is he earning a living through his music? Could you? Certainly if you make enough money, you can purchase your own health insurance. As for not wanting to play music, it sounds as though you're depressed even despite having counseling. Have you talked with your therapist about trying some meds? You may need a bit more than talk therapy to dredge you out of your depression.