justaguy68 Posted November 18, 2005 Share Posted November 18, 2005 I see quite a bit if younger gals all day long and they do not bother me because although they may be good looking, I am not attracted to them at all. Then several months ago, I met a girl that really makes me nuts to be around. I do not know what it is, she has several things in common with me and is flirty (not in a sexual way). I am married with 4 kiddos, and I have no interest in leaving my wife or even cheating on her. But, this girl makes me want to take her out for a nice dinner while we laugh and talk, then go to a movie and hold her in my arms the entire time. The conversation and her smile would be amazing just to experience. I try to avoid her and not be dis-respectful, but just keep my distance and not let her know what she does to me inside. I know that it is wrong to feel this way about someone other than a spouse, but it is something that just happened, I was not looking for it. Not trying to go over the line, thought it might be good to get it off my chest and see how many others might be in the same hole as myself. Link to post Share on other sites
maddie1975 Posted November 18, 2005 Share Posted November 18, 2005 has just happened to me. I am the wife. I recently discovered that my husband is attracted to another woman. She is an old friend of mine that we met up with at another friends wedding. I would just like to say, you need to get over this attraction. I was absolutely devestated when I found out. I am having trouble dealing with it and it had killed a bit of trust I had. It has made me feel like I am not good enough and that I don't make him happy. You need to avoid her at all costs. It is not a nice thing for a wife to have to go through. You need to avoid her and get over it. Don't do this to your wife. Link to post Share on other sites
brittanyjean259 Posted November 18, 2005 Share Posted November 18, 2005 yeah im afraid to get married one day, but i guess you cant help how you feel....but its lust thats what your feeling...and i guess people can always be attracted to other people,but i can just imagine what the wife would feel like....... Link to post Share on other sites
penkitten Posted November 20, 2005 Share Posted November 20, 2005 its nice to have friends but its hell to be tempted. decisions decisions Link to post Share on other sites
michaelk Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 I've been in exactly your situation. I totally understand what you are feeling. And I sympathize. I reacted the same way you have, by distancing myself from the woman I was attracted to. I think it's the only thing you can do to make sure you don't step over the line and put your family at risk. But, oooooh, the temptation. I know a lot of guys would act on their feelings and hope to keep things together somehow. But is that a risk you want to take? It sounds like you don't. So you know what you need to do. Just keep thinking of your kids. ---- On a side note, to brittanyjean259, who said what he feels is lust: You don't know that. It is absolutely possible for a man to be attracted to a woman other than his wife and have it be more than lust. Listen to the way justaguy68 talks about this girl and you can tell there's a real spark there. It still doesn't justify cheating, but you can't just write it off as 'lust'. Link to post Share on other sites
penkitten Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 find a way to associate her with something you dont like, so you will not feel so tempted Link to post Share on other sites
janusp Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 hey justaguy, i kinda know where you are coming from, i am going through a divorce now never cheated , but i find myself attracted to a married guy but in my case i know he wont leave his wife and i honestly dont want that kinda of relationship, i really just to spend an evening with someone i feel that special feeling just to be held. Not everybody is the same. So everybody please stop being judgemental, especially when someone is feeling an honest emotion, we are all human. Justaguy , do you think she knows? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 Justaguy , do you think she knows? If she does, and she pursues it - its going to be one step closer to a full blown affair. Everyone thinks that having crushes and spending 'alone time' won't eventually lead to that but it nearly always does. At the very least, the people involved want to - taking that emotional investment away from one relationship and transferring it to another one. There's nothing judgemental about that - its a matter of simple biology. Chemistry + opportunity = sex. Eventually, it will get physical. It will be a kiss, then a caress, then mutual masturbation, then oral sex, then sex - each time justified as needed to accomodate sexual needs for each other. I know that it is wrong to feel this way about someone other than a spouse, but it is something that just happened, I was not looking for it. It isn't wrong to feel that way - it is a human emotion. Marriage isn't a magic ring and an enchanted piece of paper that changes your brain chemistry and human sexual urges. What would be wrong is to act on them, or purposefully and willfully harbor and nurture those thoughts with an intent to follow through with them. Why is it wrong? If you and your wife made promises and vows to each other - it means that you need to honor them, whatever they may be. You didn't make a promise not to be human and fall to human desire - but you did make a promise not to lie to her or cheat on her regardless of those human urges. If you want it to end - talk to your wife about it in marriage counseling in a general sense. She needs to know so that she can do her part along with you to make this marriage work for you both. If you let this go, trust me when I tell you that it will do nothing but grow and develop like some poisonous vine that will eat you alive from the inside and eventually kill your marriage - emotionally if not in actuality. Perhaps there is a way in MC to identify between the two of you a way to meet these needs you have from within instead of with-out of your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
janusp Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 I think most people who dont fool themselves know it will turn into a full blown affair, but sometimes whats that a person needs in their life. Why breakup a home and a family. We are people and we change and alot of times we change differently. When your 18 or 25 or 35 or 45 or 55 each of these stages you need different things at that stage of your life, and if the person you married changes with you and wants the same exact things great, but thats not always the case hence all the affairs. Most woman if there man is providing for them well will look the other way, its really about what both people want , need and getting. It is never a cut and dry and each situation is different is all i am saying. Link to post Share on other sites
JustAGirl64 Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 Hello JustAGuy68! I'm so pleased you decided to air your feelings because just like you I logged on get some sanity...I am a women who is just so smitten by a guy just like yourself. He and I have some stuff in common and I try so hard not to flirt with him but just cant help feeling so overwhelmed anytime we are within any proximity. The atmosphere is so intense and I just know that being both married with small children, it's just not the right thing to be thinking about. Its driving me crazy. He seems so distant and yet so into me. I just dont know where I stand with him. We speak occassionally and half the time I get the feeling he trying to avoid me, which makes me so sad, and the other half of the time, I see the twinkle in his eye and just cant help thinking 'he is so smitten'... Would you ever consider breaking the silence? I know if he just said something it would be so relieving and so manly of him. He would be honest to himself and to me and in the end, wouldn't that be worth it? Link to post Share on other sites
justagirl64 Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 Hi Justaguy68 (here goes for take 2, somehow my last posting got lost, so apologies if this appears twice) I was so relieved to read your message. I find myself in a very similar situation but from the opposite direction. Everytime he and I are anywhere near each other, I am completely transported and try very hard not to stare, flirt or whatever, but it is almost impossible. I have no idea what he is thinking! Even though we do communicate somewhat. Half the time he politely avoids me, and the other half I see a look in his eye that melts ice and sends me into a spin. There is definitely something there. I just dont know where I stand. I keep coming back to ' If he is interested - he would have said something, anything but he seems to avoid me'. Tell me Justaguy68, would you ever think of approaching her? Even just to say - hey we are just human and connect with her on some real level. I think she would be so totally over the moon if you said something....I know it would make my year! There is nothing wrong with liking some who is mutually unavailable, it a challenge and character building and means that you are ready to learn a lesson. The reasons she makes you feel so good is a) you deserve to feel that way b) you both have things to sort out in your lives c) life is full of challenges and surprises..and surprises should never be disregarded, avoided or demeaned! How's that! Link to post Share on other sites
janusp Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 You really took the words, thoughts and feelings right out of my mouth and heart. I guess you're not the only that feels exactly like that! Link to post Share on other sites
michaelk Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 Tell me Justaguy68, would you ever think of approaching her? Even just to say - hey we are just human and connect with her on some real level. I think she would be so totally over the moon if you said something....I know it would make my year! There is nothing wrong with liking some who is mutually unavailable, it a challenge and character building and means that you are ready to learn a lesson. I'm sorry, maybe I'm misreading you, but this sure seems like pulling the wool over your own eyes. To suggest that he try to connect with her, and that he should view this as a 'character building' exercise, sounds like a HUGE rationalization from someone who is looking for any excuse to move forward and start an extra-marital relationship. As I said in my previous post, I've been in his shoes before. And right now he needs to be worried more about whether he wants to keep his family than whether he 'deserves' this new relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Neptune Posted November 22, 2005 Share Posted November 22, 2005 Just a few thoughts. Not only married people go through this. It seems almost all adults, even terminally single ones like myself, could be attracted to a married person. My grandfather said, if it hurts to think about it, don`t think about it. Pretty simple. But I think sometimes you have to do what you got to do to not think about it. The other thing. I know a guy married for over 25 years that I would have thought could not have been faithful but has been. Apparently it has to do with the simple sense that when it is a good thing you just have to avoid it. This same person tried cocaine many years ago (before addiction was as well understood as now) and said it made him feel so good he was scared as hell to ever touch it again. Again....real simple. You just have to do what you have to do to maintain your course. It really hurts some times. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted November 23, 2005 Share Posted November 23, 2005 This is like reading the agony aunt column of some teen magazine. Look, stop acting like a goddam Chimpanze. You're an adult human being, not some monkey in a zoo, crazy on heat. Ever heard of willpower? You know, the thing that sends you to work in the morning instead of getting drunk on booze or watching sports all day? Tune off from this girl and focus on your wife instead, ok? I mean consider how would you like it if she had the same feelings for some hunky young guy? If you don't stop this crap now, you'll find yourself in divorce court getting screwed the other way. Just read the infidelity threads on here, you really don't want to go there. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted November 23, 2005 Share Posted November 23, 2005 It isn't wrong to feel that way - it is a human emotion. Marriage isn't a magic ring and an enchanted piece of paper that changes your brain chemistry and human sexual urges. Along the same lines, you could say that it isn't wrong to want to murder people. Law isn't an enchanted piece of paper that changes your brain chemistry and human warrior urges. Please, come on. We aren't reptiles or baboons. Humans have things like intelligence, morality, and free will, that distinguish them from mere animals. It's not illegal to want to cheat, or want to kill - but it's definitely wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 23, 2005 Share Posted November 23, 2005 Along the same lines, you could say that it isn't wrong to want to murder people. Law isn't an enchanted piece of paper that changes your brain chemistry and human warrior urges. Marriage and murder are not related topics in this discussion, so I won't answer to this. It will be arguing a logical fallacy, which is never a productive thing to get into. As for basic emotion in terms of marriage, basic emotions and biological urges do not magically go away when the ring goes on and the paper is signed. What makes us human is the free will to choose not to act on them. That is my point - that it is normal to have those basic emotions and urges, it is normal to be attracted to other human beings and there is nothing 'wrong' about a person's attractions to other human beings - however, it is wise to use our abilities in terms of free will to make better choices to not act on them for all involved. Link to post Share on other sites
centered Posted November 23, 2005 Share Posted November 23, 2005 But, this girl makes me want to take her out for a nice dinner while we laugh and talk, then go to a movie and hold her in my arms the entire time. The conversation and her smile would be amazing just to experience. It's not always just a simple matter of lust, chemistry, or hormones, as many others have suggested. I suspect you really *do* love your wife, and you miss the freshness of romance, the way she used to light up and smile when she saw you, the way you could both seem to speak to each other only with your eyes. But 4 kiddos later, she's probably *tired!* She may be so busy and worn out, her light is dimmed. And like a moth attracted to the brightest flame, this new girl caught your attention, stirring the memories of what you shared with your wife, and you want to experience those feelings again. So instead of treating the symptom and wrestling with suppressing your feelings, *redirect* your feelings back to your wife. Help her light up for you again. Find a way to give her a break from the chores and work. If she's rested and romanced a little, I bet her love will come shining through, and that flame of love that attracted you to her will draw you to her again. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted November 25, 2005 Share Posted November 25, 2005 Absolutely Right Lucrezia : ( Post ) It isn't wrong to feel that way - it is a human emotion. Marriage isn't a magic ring and an enchanted piece of paper that changes your brain chemistry and human sexual urges. What would be wrong is to act on them, or purposefully and willfully harbor and nurture those thoughts with an intent to follow through with them. Why is it wrong? If you and your wife made promises and vows to each other - it means that you need to honor them, whatever they may be. You didn't make a promise not to be human and fall to human desire - but you did make a promise not to lie to her or cheat on her regardless of those human urges. I agree with Lucrezia's Post above. I think that the OP is bored and wants to taste some fresh fruit however once he tastes it , well he might as well kiss his marraige goodbye. Apparently it is normal to feel attraction to others but to act upon them is not...unless of course , you are single and available. The OP needs to figure out if he likes being married or divorced.... Link to post Share on other sites
Pantuuf Posted November 26, 2005 Share Posted November 26, 2005 Hello, I would bet that you have an idealized perception of this new crush...however, like all folks, she has flaws and big or small they'll come up sometime. I agree with centered, you need to remember what you love about your wife and family and focus on that and remember that grass is not always greener. Furthermore, if you act on this, you will lose your family, they won't live with you any longer, think of the holidays...is it worth it? If you truly love your wife, make the choice to remember her!! You owe yourself, your family and your wife more than to act on this dalliance that will most likely be pretty disappointing and not live up to the idea of it that lives in your head. Link to post Share on other sites
insync Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 Married guy, are you still going crazy or perhaps you have 'talked' yourself out of feeling for her...does it feel any better not to have given the game away? Link to post Share on other sites
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