Your's Ex's personal AD - What would it say?

[SMHappyface]

I found it therapeutic to write a personal ad for my ex as if he was looking for somebody. Then I read it and felt lucky I wasn't dating him anymore. What would your ex's personal read?

 

"27 yo, 240 / 6' male looking for girl any age to cook, clean and financially support him. Any age looks welcome, no references necessary. Must like porn and sex, threesomes a plus. Must not argue or complain in any way."

[downcydeguy]

My ex g/f's would be as follows:

 

21 year old college girl looking for non-serious relationship. Must be able to keep me spoiled at all times. Can't be jealous because I randomly hook up with other guys when I'm in the mood, and won't tell you about it. I travel all over the world and will not contact you while I'm away. I will give you every indication that you are Mr. Right, but in honesty, you're only Mr. Right Now.

[Hot Coco]

Do you like being interrogated and monitored? Do you enjoy a man of many moods? Are you a submissive type who likes to be verbally abused? Then I'm the man for you! Successful attorney with a genius IQ, 6ft, brown hair, green eyes, looking for that special girl who wants a take-charge man. Don't like making decisions, well I'll make them all for you, little lady! I will take charge of every aspect of your life for you. So take a chance on me or you'll be sorry!

[jomaxfury]

Very confused 20year old girl in search of anything! I am very demanding, manipulative, full of baggage and drama, I lack morals and values, I am very dishonest, I love to lie, I am very co-dependent and get attached, with anybody. I want you here with me so you wont be able to do any school, busines or family related stuff because it's all about being with me 24-7 but at the same I would need my space but dont know how to do that:o I am so spontaneous that I will call you when thing are going best and tell you I found someone else, but cry back to you the next day, and will do it to you on various ocassions. I do this becuase I love giving drama. I ask for engagement rings beforehand without proving myself to other person that I derserve one,,because actions speak louder than words...etc:laugh: :laugh:

So if you like what you read call me @ 1-800-con-fuse

[tinktronik]

My ex-H would read:

 

Hello ladies, I know you've been looking for MR. Perfect , he's finnaly here. Tall dark pimp, um I mean gentleman , to fulfill your dreams.Well after youve fulfilled all of mine ofcourse , well that will never be done , but lets just pretend for now. Insecure , heavy drinker looking for woman to cook hardy meals (even though there will be no groceries in the house ,I spent all the money on beer and a hotel room for me and the pizza girl) .Oh, and also must be enthusiastic about cleaning ( the house must progressively get cleaner , as what you did the day before will become dissatisfactory).Also you must realize that to you I am god, the world revolves around me (my mother told me this,so I know its true)and you must act accordingly ,if you dont it will prove you dont love me enough and I will then be free to cheat ,in search of that woman who really does love me.Oh and if you are not happy with this arrangement I will assume you are either crazy or on drugs, and I will tell your family this and try to get you commited .Oh and you must be willing to have sex give bj's ,my every wish and desire no matter what I called you 3 seconds before, because remember I am god, whenever I wish. And if we have children ,they cant really be mine , but because I am MR. Perfect I will get my new slave, oh I mean wife to take care of them and tell thoose children that this is their new slave , oh I mean mommy , so that I will never have to pay child support.But dont worry , said children will spend the majority of the year with my previous slave and I will collect money from her so that she can keep them.

[LilChicki]

I am a professional dick with ears looking for someone to cater to my ego as long as I am allowed to return the favor on MY terms and MY conditions. No clingy types please. I am far to close to my mama and she might get jealous if I go too far from her tit. I prefer women who treats me like sh*t, the worse the better. nice chicks with something to offer make me thnk there is something seriously wrong with them , so give me the Skank Du Jour, preferably one with , no job, no ambition..and one with a crappy attitude. Just make sure you give bj's on demand ..and no teeth is a big plus.

Heavy drinkers and Smokers are encouraged to respond.

 

Love Mr Wonderful

[konfuzd]

Haha great thread!!! My dumbass ex bf gave me all his email passwords and didn't bother to change them when we broke up, so when I found his online dating add, I logged in as him, and actually changed his profile, and password so he couldn't change it! yes very immature, but it sure was fun!

 

I don't remember the exact wording of it, but it went something like this:

 

Looking to fill the void of my ex girlfriend who broke up with me yesterday, must have size 7 1/2 ring finger so she will fit into the promise ring I bought, and doesn't mind it being slightly used (Wal-Mart has a no-return policy on discounted jewlery). I am financially secure, I'm 24 have a great job, and mom doesn't charge me rent, which has allowed me to purchase a brand new car and motorbike.

 

Ideal partner must enjoy long walks on the beach, and other activities which allow me to spend all my money on myself, chosing restaurants based on which has the best coupon. First language is not an issue, as I have no interest in what you have to say, as long as you're obsessed with how you look on the outside.

[cynicalnlove]

ahh finally something fun and new on a thread: Ok here goes:

 

33 year old male looking for any mate even if you have a moustache and look like a man as long as you are skinny with big t-ts. Must enjoy watching me high, low, drunk, and change my diapers when my mother's not around and this is an everyday gift for you. I have no ambition and broke all the time, so you must be able to support me even if that means i have to quit my job and lounge around drinking beer while you work all day. Please don't hesitate to apply, I'm a winner.

[slubberdegullion]

My ex #2's ad would read something like this:

 

Professional Complainer Seeks Spineless Wimp!

 

Insecure but arrogant. Emotionally fragile but bossy. Started slim but ballooned to nearly 200 lbs. within one year of marriage. Do I sound like the woman for you?

 

I like money, money and more money, and enjoy spending someone elses with reckless abandon. Don't expect reason. Must always have the last word, because anything you say after that is an entirely new argument.

 

If you're looking for a hot time in the sack, I'm your woman... seven times a year, max. If you like long hair, I'll cut it short. If you'd like me to wear provocative clothing, I'll don a burlap sack.

 

My ideal mate must enjoy being controlled and have no strength of character. Preferably male with mouth stapled shut. Must move slowly so I can easily bean them from across the room with whatever projectile is within my reach.

[a4a]

32 year old (39 really I lie about my age even) hot buff male. I am looking for a hot bitch that is ok with me dicking anything that crosses my path. I enjoy getting physical and hiding my paychecks in a box on the top shelf of a closet. I like to drink and then show off my strength by using my woman as a punching bag.... not to worry I won't remember a thing in the morning so each time it is just like the first to me

 

Future women must be happy to cook me three meals a day and iron my shirts. I must have a woman that not only I can dominate but my mother can control her as well. I want this to be a long term relationship (I already have short ones on the side), and someone who understands when I say I am sorry and won't do it again it means I will be you just have to forgive me anyway..... because I am the man of the house.

 

Women that defend themselves need not apply. Nor women that wield fireplace poker sticks at me once they have had enough. It takes the fun out of the relationship. I also change jobs often, some mornings I may pretend to go to work but expect my lunch packed anyway to take to friends house and hang out.

 

a4a

[scobro]

my ex' would be.......

 

Hello boys I have been married three times my second marriage lasted a whole 10 months because I had an affair but its about me anyways hehehe(im so cute).I know how to have a good reception part( thats why I get married).I will intoduce you to an engagement ring I like and will even buy it and give it to you in case you ever want to ask meI will do this after 4 months of dating.The first year we are married I will completely obsess about money but continue to put us in debt then I will out of the blue come and dump your ass while I go explore other men.We will then get back together but sex will have no passion I will have issues about certain things and sex but it's all about me anyway because I have blonde hair and big t!ts and workout everyday HEHEHE(I'M SO CUTE).The second year I will then try and get pregnant but im older 37 so it might take a little while to conceive but we will still buy baby things Then out of nowhere I will wait till you come home and then dump your ass again and start dating other guys with you in the house still whoohooo its all about me because(im so cute).

If you like to be put through emotional agony and be treated like s***, made to feel wothless and inadequate then I am your woman because hehehe(Im so cute).

Call 1 800 im so cute.

Oh by the way once I dump you and you move out hearbroken and in pain I will e- mail you after a month I will say to you "i didn't think you were still bothered by what happened"?

 

That felt great good thread:D

[Fallen_Angel]

This is an awesome idea for a thread...kudos!!

 

Tall and lanky, blond hair & blue eyed 24 year old grad student, more or less married to the chem lab, seeks skinny female (no fat chicks need apply, I can't stand 'em) for "relationship." You'd better not expect me to be there for you all the time, as I find it tedious to have to interrupt my schedule for you. Must be willing to give head constantly, but don't even think about expecting anything in return. If I don't agree with your tastes in music/TV etc., you'd better believe I'll ridicule you! Best to leave your personal inclinations quiet.

 

And I'll make fun of your friends too. I won't give you any solid indication as to where the relationship could be headed...nope, none whatsoever. I can't "predict" these things. But don't worry, should things come to an end I'll certainly "pretend" I'm not hurting you and I'll be sure to feed you enough lies so that you won't want to kick me in the balls.

 

Serious replies only. No feminists/believers in male-female equality of any sort! Estrogen makes you stupid!

[Natalie05]

My ex's would say:

 

47 yr. old single father seeking subserviant wife (yes, wife as in I will propose to you within 3 months of knowing you then expect you to become June Cleaver). I'm too sexy for myself so you must worship me and put me first as I won't acknowledge you except for when you cook, clean and "gimme some luvin'". I lie alot and overexaggerate, I'm self absorbed and all attention must be placed on ME when we are around others. Nothing will be kept private as I call up and tell my sisters and my mom everything. I'm Italian and that means I'm hot. Once you meet me you'll never leave me because I'm just so wonderful.

[Tangerina]

OK, OK... I so have you guys all beat... because this is what my EX posted on MySpace before our breakup was even really solidified under the heading "Here for: Dating"... and HE made HIMSELF sound like a pretty big a**h*** on his own, or just a loser...

 

"Do you really care? I love to dance, ride, run, be alive. Sex is great too. Conversation and intelectual mumbo-jumbo are also favorite past-times. I must admit I have a big problem with all the 'yo whazup, give a shoutout to yer boyyyeeeee' types on this gizmo. I think theyre pretty ****in lame. No, im not going to ****ing 'holla atcha,' so why dont you shut the **** up. Yeah, thats one side of my personaltiy. I love making art, and even looking at some. Poetry and dance, mainly, but all kinds of theatre, too, and photography. Im very picky. And egotistical. I love meeting new people. If you want to chat, or maybe even meet, hit me up, but you better understand that I am not some computer egghead, and if I think youre cool I will probably want to meet you. Ps I love math. and literature/language. and westerns. like lonesome dove. and some textbooks. There. thats my confession. "

 

 

He forgot to add that he needs an emotional acrobat who can deal with his changes of heart every five minutes....

[Kengne]

'Sup....

 

My name is M, and I'm a tall, thuggish, attractive-looking 31 y/o Jamaican male with little to no ambition or drive. Understandbly, career-wise I'm going absolutely nowhere with my life so like-minded females need NOT apply. We can't have the blind leading the blind now can we? No.

 

I'm looking STRICTLY for young (18-24), hardworking black females who are willing & able to support me - financially, emotionally & mentally. Shape, size, looks etc... are not important, as long as you have your own vehicle as well as your own home (being that I don't drive and I still live at home with my moms).

 

Sexually I am a FrEaK. I have had threesomes, foursomes, fivesomes - you name it, I've done it. Now I won't push you to do anything you aint comfortable with, but I can safely say that no matter WHAT we do - I will still cheat on you. Please do not believe the crap I will tell you at the beginning of our relationship, as I am a prolific liar.

 

So if you're with it, and would like to be down - get at me.

 

M.

[Kengne]

My ex #2's ad would read something like this:

 

Professional Complainer Seeks Spineless Wimp!

 

Insecure but arrogant. Emotionally fragile but bossy. Started slim but ballooned to nearly 200 lbs. within one year of marriage. Do I sound like the woman for you?

 

I like money, money and more money, and enjoy spending someone elses with reckless abandon. Don't expect reason. Must always have the last word, because anything you say after that is an entirely new argument.

 

If you're looking for a hot time in the sack, I'm your woman... seven times a year, max. If you like long hair, I'll cut it short. If you'd like me to wear provocative clothing, I'll don a burlap sack.

 

My ideal mate must enjoy being controlled and have no strength of character. Preferably male with mouth stapled shut. Must move slowly so I can easily bean them from across the room with whatever projectile is within my reach.

 

 

OMGGG!!!!!!!! THIS IS THE FUNNIEST THING I"VE READ ALL WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

[cplfun13]

Ken that almost made me pee my pants.

 

38 year old divorced twice male seeks seductive, submissive, sexual, redheaded maid. I am bald egotistical male that has finally realized I am "gods gift to woman". Your friends and family will love me and brag about what a catch you have, but they will only see one of my personalities. The rest I will save just for you.

I am 5'8 and have been diagnosed with "little man syndrome" but don't you worry that is only a lie made up by my 1st and second wife.

If I ever stray from you it will be your fault or you would have secretly gave me permission.

I don't help around the house or with kids and love to see a female do all the yard work while I lounge in the pool.

If you like long nights alone and a huge imagination that will entertain you with ongoing lies, I am your man.

You will be lucky to have me and I prmise to satisfy all your desires for a miserable life.

[jayteresa]

Easy

 

32 yr old male, like to lie to the ladies about my age as I like them quite a bit younger, and dont want to ruin my chances!

I am a short ozzie with big hair, like to spend most of my time in well paid jobs doing as little as possible, bumming around surfing (which I am not so good at) and being a general alcoholic. Dont expect commitment as I tend to run back to Oz when anything gets serious.

 

Nuff said!

[NoFaith05]

I'm an immature little girl who doesn't know how to be alone. I go from guy to guy because I have to live vicariously through their personalities. I don't have a personality of my own- I'm like a chameleon. I will adapt to your personality, and I will pretend to like whatever it is that you like. I often confuse infatuation with love, so if I say "I love you", it means that I am just infatuated with you. Don't expect any real emotions from me, because I have detached myself from them. I treat my men like objects, instead of human beings, and they can easilly be replaced.

 

So am I your type??!!

[darhma]

You have met the one!!! I so respect a woman who will be there for me after I am done with my hunting, fishing, flying and hanging with my friends. I may be about 40# overweight nondegreed man but I prefer very sexy well dressed educated great bodied woman that understands a good women submits to her man. I may owe several years back taxes, and money all over town but I own 2 boats, a plane and 5 other vehicles and I want you to support me in buying more toys for our future. After all who needs health insurance, retirement, life insurance, savings...we can just scale back and move to trailer if any major life event happens. Just want a good religious woman who understands that drinking is evil (unless I am doing it) and a womans place is to take care her man when he is done having his fun. Please help me...the only woman I can find that fit this bill are Russian mail order brides...please let me know there are still good American woman out there!!!

[AltplanB]

Im a 21 year old drama freak with emotional problems up the wazoo. I am bulimic and depressed about my job and school, which i will lay all on you. And when i feel better about my life, ill drop you and look for someone to have fun with without fears of my baggage surfacing. Ill tell you all sorts of luvy dovey things until the minute i drop you and move on like your a notch in the belt. Now that i know im hot, im gonna sleep with everyone and alienate you from your friends, as they will become my friends because I AM HOT hahahahah.. So hey, im 5'11" 135lbs brunette with blue eyes. Come pump me boys!

[Merin]

Whoa!

 

My EXBF's would read like this...

 

(Well ya know if his dumb ass was being honest)

 

*Ahem*

 

29 year old Marine

ALREADY married to someone AND I have 2 Wee People BUT I WILL lie to you about that

 

I tend to be a nut-case, but enjoy blaming others such as YOU for my problems and issues in life and I absoultley WILL make you into a half whack ass in no time at all if you follow my lead.

 

Most of my family is bi polar which I've been told isn't a good thing, but eh... WTF do YOU know?

 

When I say Semper Fi it so does NOT apply to me personally, but I do like to say it because... well Girls seem to like that.

 

I will rock ya in the bedroom, or starbucks where ever we happen to be at the moment HOWEVER the only good and redeeming thing you will find with me is that I'm amazing sexually... however that could and most likely will be with several people when I'm with you... oh yeah and my Wife that I lied about.

 

Hit me up yo

[Nikita20]

Slubber:

 

I'm am dying from hysteria. Because your ad was so witty and clever, I had to read it to my sister-- and now we are both cracking up. I can't stop reading it because it so damn funny. Thank you Slubber...I needed a good laugh today because I'm kinda down in the dumps.

 

Burlap sack?! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

[Nikita20]

Actually, almost all these ads are pretty damn funny!! I've read most of them to my sister. Both her and I shared a good laugh.

 

Hats off to SMHappyFace for the clever idea!! This thread made my day. It is amazing what laughter can do. I feel great right now!!

[chocolate_boy]

I'm an immature little girl who doesn't know how to be alone. I go from guy to guy because I have to live vicariously through their personalities. I don't have a personality of my own- I'm like a chameleon. I will adapt to your personality, and I will pretend to like whatever it is that you like. I often confuse infatuation with love, so if I say "I love you", it means that I am just infatuated with you. Don't expect any real emotions from me, because I have detached myself from them. I treat my men like objects, instead of human beings, and they can easilly be replaced.

 

So am I your type??!!

 

Woah, did you date my ex?!