Your's Ex's personal AD - What would it say?

[bigbrowneyes]

OMG...this is fun!!

My x's ad would read as follows:

 

Tall, dark, handsome, buff guy who is totally self-absorbed is looking for a fit, slim, female who must always look good...even while sleeping. You should be OK being my eye candy and not open your mouth to disclose the lies I've told my friends and other people in my life that I want to impress. You must enjoy the element of surprise...meaning you enjoy finding out that I have slept with half of my clients and employees...all of which are married or in committed relationships. You must be impressed by all my worldly possessions....that I've purchased unethically through my business because I have derogatory personal credit and can't affort to purchase even so much as a pencil on my own accord. You must enjoy fine dinning and dancing and dressing to the hilt to impress my associates...and expect that you repay me for the evening by having forced sex. If you do not satify me, you should be ok with the fact that I will make up some kind of lie to leave and call another woman to spend the night with. You must be fond of my company because you will not be allowed to have any friends or family relationships...but I will enjoy any relationships that I want. You must also have strong administrative capabilities since you will be required to run my business while you work full-time, raise 2 children, and go to school half-time. You must also be available to answer my phone calls or emails immediately or I will rant and raive and accuse you of all the ugly things that I am capible of doing. We're going to have a great life together...me, you, and all those other women...and you better like it!

 

That was fun!!

[Gottabestrong]

32 year old man looking for companion. You should be well educated and have a successful career.

 

I don't know yet if I want to have children, but surely not before I get 40 or 45, so if you are nearing 30 and want to have kids within the next 10 years, please don't contact me, you will only be disappointed in the end.

 

I also think that marriage is overrated and my idea of an ideal relationship is of two people who live their independent, busy lives and thrive to make lots of money.

 

I am not a very affectionate guy and I hope you will understand when I tell you that I have never seen my parents kiss each other in my life, and if they have gone without it for 35 years than I am sure you can go without kissing or cuddling for a few days.

 

I don't have a very high libido and am not really interested in sex more than once every six weeks or so. I hear there are many women out there who feel the same way, so it should not be too difficult to find a match.

 

I really like a woman who is into sports. If you like to go to gym every day and are a competitive sports player, then I am sure we will have great times together.

 

I am not an emotional or passionate person, so I am looking for someone who is like-minded and who looks for a stable uneventful relationship.

 

I am a good honest guy, who will treat you with respect and try to make you happy. But please don't expect me to sweep you off your feet with romantic gestures. I am just not that guy and while many women have tried to change me in the past, none has succeeded.

 

If you need lots of love and affection, then please stay away. You will save yourself a lot of heartache. Trust me.

[Clevelandfan]

Here's her ad,...

 

Hi,.I'm 32 and am as irresponsible as they come. I hope you are into that. If you're looking for a compulsive liar,...I'm your gal. I've got long blonde hair that I love to brush obsessively. I'm a spoiled little brat who needs a real man who can constantly pay attention to me and my constant drama. After all, this is my world you're just in it. Hope you like lots of financial and emotional baggage cuz I've got that covered. Hope you are looking to have a baby and get married ASAP cuz after a month of dating I'll begin pressuring you for both. I'll say real clever things like "let's work on having a baby now, cuz we're getting married anyway eventually." I like 5 table rings (a ring you can see from 5 tables away) but if you won't buy me one immediately I'll date some other guy at the same time who can handle these duties (smaller ring) while we are in our relationship. Inevitably,...I'll make you cut off your penis in order to save your wallet,..cuz,...I didn't tell you yet, I sorta get these headaches and use them as an excuse to avoid having to work. What's a girl to do? I'm not worried, some guy will move in and pay my bills,..I'll just have to put out and everything will be just fine. You could be that guy!

 

I need a good listener. Someone who likes my ex-boyfriend drama horror stories. Of course,..the breakups were always their fault. The story I like to recite the most is the one that makes me look the greatest, my 5 year escapade with a married man who just handed me money time after time for being horizontally accessable when he needed it. I thought we were gonna get married someday though,..duh! Did I mention my long blonde hair yet?

 

Before I let you go,..err,..before I move on to my next man to use for money, Just so you know, I'll try to get knocked up and get you to co-sign on my vehicle or house,..err,..cell phone service,..damn, I gotta get you to cosign on something. After all,..I've been bankrupt already and figure I'll do it again soon but in the meantime somebodys gotta pay my bills. Guys without a bankroll I can steal, need not apply. You won't want to anyway because when I figure out I can't use you, I'll show my true colors and treat you like dogcrap. Just for future reference,..I say "I love you" with no meaning behind it at all,..it'll seem like I mean it but remember, it's all about the money. By the way,..I love brushing my hair and primping myself.

 

If I'm the type of gal you're dreaming of,...gimme a call on my cell phone. I have to worn you though, when I'm busy with another guy, I'll lie through my teeth and blame the cell phone service if you can't reach me. Works everytime,...I love cell phones,..LOL I mean,..just keep calling,..I'll eventually get back to you when I'm finished working my golddigging magic.

 

Hope to hear from your wallet,..I mean YOU soon.

[konfuzd]

I had so much fun posting about one ex. I thought I'd go for another one.

 

Rockstar seeking groupie

 

Do you dream of dating a rockstar? Well I dream of becoming one, so let's live the dream together! Of course it will remain a dream, as the lifestyle is way more important to me than the music. I'm not willing to work to make it to the top, I'm counting on a lucky break, and for one single which will rocket me to the top. One album will support me for the rest of my life, never to work again, but I'll bask in the glory forever.

 

I fully expect you to worship me as if I were Randy Rhodes re-incarnated, even as you watch me play in a scummy bar for 20 people. Don't get too attached though, because it's part of the lifestyle to sleep with as many women as humanly possible when we go on tour. I'll only keep you around when I need to show off my status, and when I feel the need to get off. Don't expect anything to be about you. I'm doing you a huge favor by letting you date a future one hit wonder!

 

Don't miss out on this opportunity, as one day women are gonna line up at my door for the simple bragging rights. Oh to dream!

[Sloppy]

One would go as follows:

"Great looking dumbass, model wanna be, will make you my sugga'momma if you look at my portfolio and let me f*ck you in your arse"

 

Anotherone would be:

"Looking but not really, just looking for some trouble. I'm fat, I love drugs and I can't keep it up for longer than 20 sec. If you think you can keep up with my uptimes and my speedy lifestyle, and you think you could be called a whore few times a day, you the woman I wanna marry."

[user12]

Emo guy seeking girl to have deep meaningful conversations with after smoking a bowl. She must not talk to any other guys because they will be thinking sexual thoughts about her, and she must not go to parties or dance, or I will call her a whore.

[Kisar]

33 yr old foreign born male looking for a woman that I could marry for my greencard, (oh I forgot I already tricked someone in to doing that). Anyways I am bilingual english/Spanish and can barely read in anyone of the languages. I have a strong lack of vocabulary ad do not like women who want to talk. I am looking for a woman who does not have a college degree and who is interrsted in the simple things in life...cooking and being submissive. My future woman has to be open to me cheating and lying about it because I am use to that. She also needs to undertsand that I do not communicate at all, and though I am still currently married with no oplans on granting my wife a divorce I do not want anyone getting mad at it. My future woman needs to take birth control because I do not have time for children even though I have two, they were a mistake for me. I like women that love to have drunk sex with me that is because I am not sexual unless I am drunk. Even though I do not bathe but twice a week, if that, I want a woman who is open to oral sex. Oh and very important, My woman needs to laugh and make me feel like everything I say and do are right if not she is not the one for me. Last but not least my ideal woman needs to know that I do not care about anyone else but myself.

[loulabelle]

Writing this personal ad for my ex has been the best therapy ever. It has been my absolute pleasure!

 

18 YEAR OLD LAD TRAPPED INSIDE THE BODY OF A 32 YEAR OLD MAN, SEEKS GULLABLE GIRL (PREFERABLY 10 YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME), TO FALL HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE WITH ME AND MASSAGE MY EGO FOR A FEW YEARS UNTIL SOMETHING BETTER COMES ALONG.

I THINK I AM A GREAT CATCH, INFACT I THINK I AM ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC. i AM DEVASTATINGLY GOODLOOKING AND WOULD DESCRIBE MYSELF AS A TRULY WONDERFUL, WELL ROUNDED INDIVIDUAL. BEING WITH ME WOULD BE BENEFICIAL TO YOUR PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT AS I WOULD BE EAGER TO POINT OUT YOUR MISTAKES AND SHORTCOMINGS AT EVERY OPPURTUNITY. I AM IN THE PERFECT POSITION TO DO SO AS I HAVE NO ISSUES OR BAGGAGE WHATSOEVER, INFACT, I AM PERFECT. ANYONE WHO THINKS DIFFERENTLY IS THICK AND I TELL THEM SO IN A VERY POMPOUS FASHION. ALL THOSE PEOPLE THAT THINK I AM A LYING, ISSUES RIDDEN LOSER ARE WRONG AND THAT IS THE END OF THAT. i CAN ASSURE YOU I AM 100% FAITHFUL, NO MATTER HOW SUSPICIOUS MY BEHAVIOUR OR WHAT COMPRIMISING POSITIONS YOU FIND ME IN I WILL NOT EVER BE CHEATING. YOU WILL ALWAYS BE MISTAKEN AND I WILL ENCOURAGE YOU TO SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP FOR YOUR PARANOIA.IF YOU ARE THE TYPE OF GIRL WHO IS NOT INTO COMMITTMENT, I AM THE BLOKE FOR YOU. I DONT KNOW WHAT THE WORD MEANS AND WILL RUN OFF WITH A 19 YEAR OLD WHEN IT LOOKS LIKE WE MIGHT HAVE TO SETTLE DOWN. BUT DONT WORRY, I WILL LET YOU DOWN GENTLY BY WEANING YOU OFF ME. I WILL HANG AROUND FOR AYEAR AFTER I DUMP YOU, YOU CAN STILL SLEEP WITH ME, PAY MY BILLS AND TELL ME HOW GREAT I AM. I WOULD DO IT FOR YOUR BENEFIT OF COURSE, NOT MINE.

YOU WONT EVER BE EXPECTED TO GET ON WITH MY FAMILY AS THEY ARE ANTISOCIAL AND WILL NOT INVOLVE YOU IN ANYTHING FOR NO GOOD REASON. WHAT A BONUS! MY OTHER GOOD POINTS INCLUDE, SNORING LIKE A PIG, BEING INCREDIBLY VAIN, INCREDIBLY ARGUEMENTATIVE, RUBBISH WITH MONEY, LAZY, SELF OBSESSED AND GENERALLY IRRITATING. SO IF YOU FANCY WASTING 7 YEARS OF YOUR LIFE THEN GET IN TOUCH!

 

aaaaaaahhhhhh! how much better do i feel?

[In Sync]

Took me a while but I'll give it a shot, The Ad For My Ex Would Go Like This.

 

Hey I'm Just What You Need:That's Right..Just Call Mr.Person Of Superior

Intellect.

I know everything, including all about you! I know that you like being called Pyscho, and Whack-Jobs! Ah Come on, Just taking The Piss Out of You. Hey! You'll Really Go For My Inside Private Jokes, like The One When I Call You Fat..(hee hee HEY! I'm just joking!!!) Or some of you may go for my multiple personalities, often Mr. Rage-aholic comes out if you don't agree with Me (hee hee Hey what's a little yelling...I'm joking) And then there my Strong Silent side, I mean you'll get use to it, I usually GOT better things to do than be with you, so I go undercover and disappear and don't like any form of communication, so I'm a little aloof..(Hey...you'll get use to it. Whack-jobs!.Hey don't get scruffy, I'm joking) And don't go expecting any gifts (I'm not a bleeding Liberal!) I can only spend the money Me mom and daddy give for my Armani X clothes, so I don't have any left over for you because I gotta look good. That's what you Whack-Jobs Like. You All Want My D**K!

Anyway, We Can Only Do What I Like Doing: Playing On-Line Poker, Watching Fox News, bingeing or Pizza and LowMein and checking My weight On My Scale every Ten Minutes.

Warning Any Emotional Types stay away, Bottle Those Emotions. Other than that I'm a terrific bloke over here looking for a lovely yank ...because I'm A Person of Superior Intellect.

 

 

ain't love blind.

[bigbrowneyes]

MY OTHER GOOD POINTS INCLUDE, SNORING LIKE A PIG, BEING INCREDIBLY VAIN, INCREDIBLY ARGUEMENTATIVE, RUBBISH WITH MONEY, LAZY, SELF OBSESSED AND GENERALLY IRRITATING. SO IF YOU FANCY WASTING 7 YEARS OF YOUR LIFE THEN GET IN TOUCH!

OMG loulabelle...this made me laugh so hard I cried. I've really enjoyed reading all of these post but when I read this part I couldn't control my laughter. I felt really good after I posted here. Great idea for a post. I wish more people would respond to this thread. Very entertaining for the readers and very therapeutic for the writer.