My view on being a mistress

[newbby]

i agree with you erica. on the other hand if somebody is going to do it anyway, maybe its best to just give them some advice about how (thats how not h.o.w).

lots could certainly give some good advice about what not to do (besides getting involved), if she would listen. there are a few people with successful a's, either the ones that were together in the end or the ones that are h.o.w like lyubimaya. firstly though aussie mandy has to decide which she wants to be, or which she can handle being. that means being self aware aswell though, from the outset.

[erika2610]

i agree with you erica. on the other hand if somebody is going to do it anyway, maybe its best to just give them some advice about how (thats how not h.o.w).

lots could certainly give some good advice about what not to do (besides getting involved), if she would listen. there are a few people with successful a's, either the ones that were together in the end or the ones that are h.o.w like lyubimaya. firstly though aussie mandy has to decide which she wants to be, or which she can handle being. that means being self aware aswell though, from the outset.

 

I agree there. I do. I just don't think she's very aware of what it would be like. I think she's just looking at stories from OW who're happy.. rather than realizing how hurt she might get. You can kinda tell by the way she seems almost giddy about it in her posts.

[newbby]

i agree with you there too, but, i think there will be a complete shutting out of any advice that goes completely against being with the mm.

i dont think she realises what the relationship will be like either, or that this mm definetly sounds as though he is enjoying the ego boost of being a knight saving his damsel in dental distress. once he becomes the cheating spouse who cant give mandy what she wants and definetly is not doing the best for his wife, he will be a very different person.

mandy though, is blinded by love. i think she needs to ask for a few pointers on how to handle an affair, how to be prepared for when mm changes etc

[erika2610]

i agree with you there too, but, i think there will be a complete shutting out of any advice that goes completely against being with the mm.

i dont think she realises what the relationship will be like either, or that this mm definetly sounds as though he is enjoying the ego boost of being a knight saving his damsel in dental distress. once he becomes the cheating spouse who cant give mandy what she wants and definetly is not doing the best for his wife, he will be a very different person.

mandy though, is blinded by love. i think she needs to ask for a few pointers on how to handle an affair, how to be prepared for when mm changes etc

 

That's true.. Honestly though, I think she just likes the attention. I mean who doesn't.. But I don't think she's looking for any advice.. I read her other thread. She's looking for pointers on how to get started. These girls who're telling her how to go about it etc.. aren't telling her about the rollercoaster of emotions, or the ridiculous amount of lies the MM tells..

[OldEurope]

There is no such thing as a "Happy O W" over the long term. There just is not. One can not be in love and then forever compartimenatlize that love. I think Lyub will be singing a different tune a year from now.

[newbby]

That's true.. Honestly though, I think she just likes the attention. I mean who doesn't.. But I don't think she's looking for any advice.. I read her other thread. She's looking for pointers on how to get started. These girls who're telling her how to go about it etc.. aren't telling her about the rollercoaster of emotions, or the ridiculous amount of lies the MM tells..

 

maybe because they are not yet aware of the ridiculous amount of lies the mm tells.

[erika2610]

maybe because they are not yet aware of the ridiculous amount of lies the mm tells.

 

That could be it ..

[Lyubimaya]

Actually you are all right. I should definitely not recommend this - as I had to change my lifestyle completely. Again, 999 out of 1000 OW end up hurt. And Aussie Mandy, I read another one of your posts and you just met that MM. So strike everything I said before - you will not be able to handle it. Everyone is right to say to walk away. You hardly even know this guy. You are not even remotely attached, so walk away now before you get all tangled up.

[HanginLow]

Have I got some stories about that end of the relationship spectrum. I am a MM and have had my fair share of OW in my life. The only person you will hurt it is the OW and not the MM. For it is he who will enjoy you more than you him. Don't get suckered into those lovy-dovey relationships, if they are MM they are only obligated to the number #1 woman, their wife and not you, you will be the IM keyword, or the secret cel call, or just the plain ol squezze, beware women. It has been said that it is the first wife that makes the man and the second wife that enjoys the man. Have any of you experienced that??? All for now, I've got to find a thread that here I can begine my life changing stories.

[OldEurope]

To Hang Low,

 

There are OWs who become the W because two people might fall in love more strongly than what any other previous relationship possessed, end of story. There are first marriages that are built on the wrong foundations, and simply collapse and often should. There are marriages that are excellent, worth fighting for, and where an OW has no business, absolutely. But these categorical statements that the OW is merely some sideshow are not true. Very often she is and later remains the #1 woman.

 

You say, rather provocatively, that "The first wife makes the man, the second wife enjoys the man". Or, in my case, try this: "The first wife breaks the man, verbally abuses the man, lives parasitically off the man, lives through the man, has no identity outside the man, smokes and drinks into oblivion around and is endlessly screaming at the man..." The second wife, meanwhile, bearing the brunt of many issues from this first marriage, does so out of love, the desire to not take anything for granted, and out of true identification and belief in a partnership that grew out of maturity, self awareness, and difficult, difficult circumstances and risks. No, this second wife just does not "enjoy" the man. Sometimes, she brings him back to life.

 

Please do not project your own behavior as some universal truth about these situations. Also, I know its to be expected, but I am quite tired too of the Wife always being assumed the blameless angel in all these cases.

[erika2610]

To Hang Low,

 

There are OWs who become the W because two people might fall in love more strongly than what any other previous relationship possessed, end of story. There are first marriages that are built on the wrong foundations, and simply collapse and often should. There are marriages that are excellent, worth fighting for, and where an OW has no business, absolutely. But these categorical statements that the OW is merely some sideshow are not true. Very often she is and later remains the #1 woman.

 

You say, rather provocatively, that "The first wife makes the man, the second wife enjoys the man". Or, in my case, try this: "The first wife breaks the man, verbally abuses the man, lives parasitically off the man, lives through the man, has no identity outside the man, smokes and drinks into oblivion around and is endlessly screaming at the man..." The second wife, meanwhile, bearing the brunt of many issues from this first marriage, does so out of love, the desire to not take anything for granted, and out of true identification and belief in a partnership that grew out of maturity, self awareness, and difficult, difficult circumstances and risks. No, this second wife just does not "enjoy" the man. Sometimes, she brings him back to life.

 

Please do not project your own behavior as some universal truth about these situations. Also, I know its to be expected, but I am quite tired too of the Wife always being assumed the blameless angel in all these cases.

 

But it's not often the OW becomes the W. You are one of maybe 2 or so women that I've read stories about here who's situation worked out for you. And you WOULD blame the wife?

[OldEurope]

Hi Erika,

 

I am saying that in many cases the wife is not blame-less in the severe problems that ensue in a marriage where an MM gets involved in another woman. It takes two to tango, and the over-sympathizing with a wife in certain cases leaves me cold. My brother is now a case in point. He is the entire emotional, financial, house-hold, social, support system presence in his marriage while his "wife" does little but talk to girlfriends and run to mother, and apparently totally withholds sex. I said to myself recently, Hell, if he gets emotionally or more involved with another woman, I would not in the least blame him.

[sylviaguardian]

I've been reading a lot of posts in regards to being a mistress. So, I'll tell my story and share my experience to give another perspective.

 

I am a successful professional and a mistress to a MM. I am not a "kept" mistress, as I do very well on my own. It didn't start for just sex either. Before we ever had our first encounter, we knew this relationship was much more than that.

 

We are in love. I am the one he cannot stop thinking about. He's not happy in his marriage of 14 yrs, but he's not unhappy either. It's just there. If he didn't stand to lose so much monetarily, he would divorce. I knew this from the start, and had mentally conditioned myself that he will not leave her. I'm fine and have accepted that fact. I, at one point, was married for 7 years and have been divorced with a son for 4 yrs now. I've traveled down that path of marriage and know that I don't feel the need to rehitch. I've learned to live independently and like my time alone. Plus, I don't want to relive that routine life of living with the spouse 24/7 and deal with the stagnacy of married life.

 

Our relationship is perfect. It's exactly what I want. I don't want to deal with a man 24/7, it's exhausting. I spend half my life working, the other quarter with my son, and the other quarter for "things for me". I had a serious relationship with a man right after my divorce, and it ate up the time from my only son (I know, shame on me for not spending more time with my child - I've learned my lesson). I do not have time for a full-time relationship with a man. I dedicate my time to my work and my son.

 

This is how my relationship is working with my MM. He's so wonderful, I'd rather have him in my life part-time, than not at all. Quite honestly, I don't know if I could be with him full-time. By no means do I ask him to leave her. Because I love him, I wouldn't do that to him.

 

I am faithful to him. He feels I'm getting the short end of the stick; says I indeed deserve more and it's not fair to me. He doesn't command me to be faithful, cause he says he can't have his cake and eat it too. However, I am the one who insists that I have no interest in finding anyone else - and I say that perhaps when I'm sixty I'll find me an old geiser to settle down with. But for now, I have committed to being a long-term mistress to him exclusively.

 

We talk everyday - each morning, noon, and night. I see him sometimes every other week, or if we get lucky, 2-3 times a week. I am extremely content with that. We have discussed, though, if I would remain with him if he leaves her. Initially I said no, but we've been together for awhile now and I would continue to be with him if he divorced. But we said we would not marry. We would still live separate. We both like time alone, and agreed that should the divorce occur, we would still have separate lives.

 

And this is where we're at. I have no intentions on breaking up the marriage - and it doesn't bother me one bit that I'm technically in 2nd place. I know that I'm first in his heart, and that is all I need to be happy. Simply knowing that I am truly loved and put on a pedestal is far better in my eyes, than having a mediocre marriage to him.

 

I know that this is not normal thought process, but this is the way I tick. Most people would not understand how I can be happy, but I have to say I'm the happiest I've ever been. I just thought I'd give some insight as to how I look at this type of situation. I anticipate negative comments, but that's fine. I know it's hard for most to understand how I deal with it. Again, just trying to shed light somewhat.

 

Lyubimaya,

 

Have you ever thought about what messages you are sending your son? Probably when he is 'happily married' with kids, he'll see no problem in getting whatever else he wants from life too.

[erika2610]

Hi Erika,

 

I am saying that in many cases the wife is not blame-less in the severe problems that ensue in a marriage where an MM gets involved in another woman. It takes two to tango, and the over-sympathizing with a wife in certain cases leaves me cold. My brother is now a case in point. He is the entire emotional, financial, house-hold, social, support system presence in his marriage while his "wife" does little but talk to girlfriends and run to mother, and apparently totally withholds sex. I said to myself recently, Hell, if he gets emotionally or more involved with another woman, I would not in the least blame him.

 

Peopleover symphatize with the W sometimes.. that they do. Because she's the 'poor helpless victim'.. and we're the horrible human beings. But I do feel bad.. I do. When I was with my MM, I was a waitress and he was the cook. I waited on his family once, and felt awful..here I was, the mistress.. waiting on this woman who had no clue. Then, a few days later, she came in for a key from him.. he made me give it to her. I felt worse. So sometimes, I do feel really bad for them. She didn't really do anything to deserve him doing that to her. If things were that bad, they should've gone to counseling (which they eventually did, after her finding out about me) and TRIED to fix whatever the problem was.

[scarletletter]

I think the bottom line here is...people make choices, not always good ones and then they go looking for someone to tell them that its not so bad, or that it is okay to be involved with a married man. I, for one, would never advise anyone to get into this situation (although I am in it myself). No matter how it happened, it just happened and now I am in deeper than I intended to be. The deal with Mandy is that she can stop it right now, before it gets any deeper, like most of us should have done. She has the benefit of "nothing has happened yet" so she can put a stop to it if she wants to. Everyone here has given her all kinds of advice and opinions. I cannot tell her what to do but I can tell her that it is a very painful situation and I don't think she needs the aggrivation. She says she has a serious illness and most illnesses do not respond well or get significantly worse with added stress. If she gets involved with this man, stress is going to be a factor in her life like she has never known it. She's a big girl, and I think she will make an informed decision. What is not helping her is the negativity here. I think we should give her sound advice without insulting her. After all,, that's what she is asking for.

[Katch22]

Hello Everyone,

It's been a while since I was here last about a month!! Well I started the NC and he kept coming after me, and eventually we were right back were we left off at. Then we agreed that we would go away for my B-day and that would be the end of us when we came home. I was completely OK with that I truely would like some kind of ending! But as usual he didn't stop there and he's back to calling everyday when he's working cause he can't call when he's home cause the W keeps catching him but at the same time I'm going on with my life. So whatever will be will be!! I just recently asked him to stop again but the problem is I dont' truely want him to I want him to be with me. But I've set a date and if things haven't improved by then. I can't ignore that anymore so good luck to all of you with what ever decission you make none of them are easy but GOD I WISH I WOULD'VE NEVER FALLEN IN LOVE WITH HIM!!! Then just yesterday he left work and went to the mall and went shopping for me just because he said he wanted to ....... And then I find out later the he is going off with W and C for the next 2 days to Orlando not to be with family but to go and be a family... So it makes me believe that's why he bought me that gift to keep me happy while he was gone!!

Sometimes I think he a complete A**hole but then I still love him! Sounds crazy but then again most of us feel this way!

 

Bye

Katch22:cool:

[OldEurope]

Peopleover symphatize with the W sometimes.. that they do. Because she's the 'poor helpless victim'.. and we're the horrible human beings. But I do feel bad.. I do. When I was with my MM, I was a waitress and he was the cook. I waited on his family once, and felt awful..here I was, the mistress.. waiting on this woman who had no clue. Then, a few days later, she came in for a key from him.. he made me give it to her. I felt worse. So sometimes, I do feel really bad for them. She didn't really do anything to deserve him doing that to her. If things were that bad, they should've gone to counseling (which they eventually did, after her finding out about me) and TRIED to fix whatever the problem was.

 

 

Yes...in this case, where the wife is totally in the dark and you yourself are "forced" to interact with her in such uncomfortable circumstances, I agree...that is not a great place to be

[erika2610]

Yes...in this case, where the wife is totally in the dark and you yourself are "forced" to interact with her in such uncomfortable circumstances, I agree...that is not a great place to be

 

Not at all.. and that's where I feel bad for them. But I can also see what you're saying too.

[Kaotic Dizaster]

I recently became the O/W and just broke it off today . Although my situation is alot different than others , mine was with my first husband from when I was 16 . And he is not married but lives with his gf and their son . How it started though is we ran into eachother on labor day at a friends house and he sat there going on and on about how unhappy he is aith the gf but doesn't want to leave because of his son ... then tells me in front of everyone how much he still loves me and how good we were together and I was his angel back then that saved him from so many bad things . The reason we divorced when I was 18 was because he went into the Navy and it killed our relationship , we had never been apart so much before and couldn't handle it , and of couurse we were young . But I can say I have always Loved him and will for the rest of my life , but I couldn't bare being the O/W , thats not me . And I could never ask him to leave her because o their son . So I wrote him a long letter telling him it was time for me to move on but that I would cherish the moments we did spend together and wished him luck . For you other woman that can handle it , I give you credit because I just couldn't , but maybe its because he was mine first and that killed me not to be able to actually be able to be together again . Well sorry to bore ya but just wanted to add this!

[Lyubimaya]

For you other woman that can handle it , I give you credit because I just couldn't , but maybe its because he was mine first and that killed me not to be able to actually be able to be together again .

 

See, this is what I meant when I said that if you get involved w/ a MM, you are not to count on him leaving the W. I've been with my MM nearly 5 years now, and I still don't count on him leaving her. Doesn't matter if he does or doesn't, I enjoy it for what it is. I love him, but doesn't mean I need to have a ring around my finger or live with him 24/7.

 

I like things just the way they are.....

[penkitten]

this is the saddest thing i have ever read.

[Lyubimaya]

Sorry you feel that way. Maybe try another forum where there are people who are not so sad....

[Boudicca]

good luck girls! I've got the opposite problem. I've got a stable happy relationship and now have someone on the side. It's wrong to cheat, everybody knows that and as much as i love my SO I don't feel guilty. Guess I'm just a sicko.

[penkitten]

its sad that so many people are in love with people they cant be with all the time because they are spending time with their families or spouses.

 

i honestly dont think i could take knowing that they would go home and sleep beside someone else at night.

 

i honestly do think that is sad.

 

its also sad to know that someone has their spouse come home and lay down beside them to go to sleep at night while they have been messing around with someone else.

[Lyubimaya]

Well, I have a different perspective than you, penkitten. I know it's hard for you to understand. In fact, I'm sure it's difficult for most all people to understand.

 

I am not looking for your approval here for what I am doing or to change your mind, but just trying to explain it from a different point of view.

 

I am not sad - and I've been this way for 5 years now. Concerning his wife, well, her husband is probably pleasant to her now, instead of being miserable, because I bring happiness to him. Again, it's a bizarre way of looking at things, but it actually is a valid point.