religion and relationships

[kel0814]

I've recently begun a relationship with a practicing catholic. This isn't a problem for me, but I'm worried that he might have a problem with the fact that i'm an atheist. Not once has either of us brought up religion. I only recently found out that he was Catholic when I met his parents. Because so much time has gone by without either of us discussing the issue, and because of the fact that I have become quite attached to him, i'm afraid to bring up the subject. I'm not sure how one would discuss such issues. My last relationship lasted five years and he was also an atheist. Any advice on how I should go about bringing up such a conversation? Has anyone gone through a similar situation?

[Laurynn]

Hi!

 

Well for me, that's usually one of the topics I bring up early on in the relationship, in the 'getting to know each other phase'......mostly cuz I just wouldn't be interested in dating someone who was agnostic/atheist (no offense to you!!)...basically because I have in the past and it lead to a lot of disagreements and 'being on different wavelengths'......and I knew that somewhere down the road, if we ever had children, it would really be difficult (I think it's best when parents share similar beliefs...less confusing for the kids, etc).

 

Don't make a big deal of it....cuz it's a good topic to discuss....just mention that you've wondered if he's ever thought about the fact that the two of you have diametrically opposed beliefs (okay, you maybe don't have to put it that strongly lol).....and how does he feel about it/has he given it much thought? Although I'm no longer a practicing Catholic (whoa, wayyyyyy too regimented, I've grown tired or organized religion, quite frankly), I did grow up in a strong Catholic home.......and most practicing Catholic families are pretty much the same........

 

When I was married 8 yrs ago, if my hubby hadn't been Catholic, he would have had to take classes to join the church...now not sure if all churches are like this, but if your guy is a practicing catholic, should you decide to marry one day, not sure how it would go if you're not Catholic....they might not allow you to marry in the church unless you join/convert. Now how do them apples grab ya? LOL

 

And if you were to have children, if he's practicing, he's naturally going to want your children to be baptized (where the parents and godparents make a vow to God to raise the child in the Catholic faith, etc), first communion, confirmation, etc. Do you think you could handle all that?

 

I think it's a really good idea to bring this up now, before you're deeply in love and it's too late! LOL Should you remain in a serious relationship with him, with your conflicting beliefs, there's bound to be some conflicts ahead........and his family might also have a small cow if they find you're Atheist. I'm just warnin' ya!! :-)

 

Talk about it, get it out in the open......see how he feels, find out what his Faith means to him, how he feels about couples with different beliefs raising kids (no, even if you just met, it's still necessary to discuss this NOW because once you're head over heals in love, it's too late), how he'll feel if he has to spend his life attending Mass by himself, etc etc.

 

Laurynn

[Tony T]

It used to be that Catholics felt they were the only ones that would be going to heaven. So it's very likely he would want to marry someone who would most likely end up in the same corner of eternity as him.

 

Maybe his church has eased up on this position, you'll have to check. But everything Laurynn said is right on the mark.

 

Now there are some Catholics who don't give their religion a lot of thought. Attending Mass is pretty much a robotic thing if they do so at all. If he's one of them, you might be OK...in the short term, anyway. People change all the time. One day he could wake up and religion could be extremely important to him. Like Laurynn said, he will surely want his children raised as he was.

 

Most athiests have some form of spiritual base. If you have explored this aspect of yourself, maybe there is enough of a basis of respect and spirituality for some common ground. If not, you can pretty well write this off.

 

Have your discussion with him regarding this immediately...but even if you think it's resolve, understand he can change his mind at anytime. People don't normally become open minded enough to have no problems with this religious difference until they are much older...but he may be an exception.

 

I've also known of anthiests who had brushes with death or other personal trauma and came out of them as God-fearing, religious finatics...so you could change too.

 

What does he say when you sneeze?

[Owl]

As Laurynn and Tony have previously said, have this discussion with him sooner rather than later.

 

I was in a similar situation with the gender roles reversed -- I was not very big on most organized religion, and she was a heavily practicing Catholic (she had actually converted to Catholicism a few years prior to our relationship). I wasn't opposed to her beliefs in any way, but simply felt religion wouldn't play a big role in my own life.

 

This was fine for quite a while, but as the months passed and that self-delusional "new relationship haze" cleared it became obvious to both of us that the situation was not sustainable. We were quickly approaching a point where the issue could NOT be avoided. Unsurprisingly, this was bothering the religious one (her) much more than the indifferent one (me). I could see she wouldn't be truly happy if I wasn't going to church, so we called it off (though we remain friends). At the time it was the single hardest thing I'd ever done, though in retrospect it's clear to me that we made the right decision.

 

I know that's very depressing, and definitely not what you wanted to hear, but there's no reason your situation can't work out a lot better. For one thing, my lady was extremely religious, not just "practicing". Religion was the most important thing in her life, and when it came down to the wire there was no room to compromise. She was, in short, one of the most religious Catholics I've ever met. All Catholic churches and families are not poured from the same mold, you'll be pleased to know. Some practice religion merely as an extension of their heritage -- their family has always gone to church on Sunday, so they just keep going. Most others have a strongly spiritual side, but would never let it interfere with their everyday life, or at least place strict limits on the interference they'll tolerate. Truly devout Catholics are becoming less and less common in North America, as evidenced by the enormous decline in young men and women lining up to become priests and nuns (the Catholic Church is undergoing a real staffing crisis right now). What I'm trying to say is that your man is likely to be far more open-minded than you're afraid he'll be. If he wasn't, he would have already asked you to attend church etc. etc., as my lady did. If you didn't even know he was Catholic until recently (and that from meeting his parents), then that's a very good sign from your perspective.

 

Even if he isn't, you have to find out sooner rather than later, or your relationship will run into a barrier down the road. It's less painful to slow down and take a side road now than to keep going full-tilt and crash into that barrier.

 

I hope this helps.

I've recently begun a relationship with a practicing catholic. This isn't a problem for me, but I'm worried that he might have a problem with the fact that i'm an atheist. Not once has either of us brought up religion. I only recently found out that he was Catholic when I met his parents. Because so much time has gone by without either of us discussing the issue, and because of the fact that I have become quite attached to him, i'm afraid to bring up the subject. I'm not sure how one would discuss such issues. My last relationship lasted five years and he was also an atheist. Any advice on how I should go about bringing up such a conversation? Has anyone gone through a similar situation?