JS17 Posted November 19, 2005 Share Posted November 19, 2005 I have two friends that cancel plans at the last minute and it drives me crazy. One I've been friends with since the 6th grade and she is so self absorbed to the point that my family doesn't like me being friends with her and I'm 28! She never thinks of anyone else, it's not just me she has this attitude towards. To be honest, I don't know how we stayed friends this long. I've been struggling with this relationship for years now and I just don't know what to do anymore. It's difficult to trash a 17 year relationship but I can't stand her behavior anymore. How would you handle this situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Brittanyjean06 Posted November 19, 2005 Share Posted November 19, 2005 well you can talk to her about it, and if she cant change...than you dont need that friendship any more...as hurtful as that may sound...and as long as you guys had a 17 year relationship.... some people can be really stubborn and if she doesnt listen to how you feel, than let her do her own thing.. tell her how much the relationship does meen to you to though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JS17 Posted November 20, 2005 Author Share Posted November 20, 2005 I have approached her about it in relation to the way she has treated other people and she just doesn't get it. How do you make someone who is self absorbed see how they're treating other people? I end up getting angry with her and I don't like to get angry. I'm very torn. I go through this every year or two where I promise myself I will make our relationship more casual and never make plans with her because she WILL break them. Then I end up falling back into the same trap. I can't change her and it's not my job to. Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted November 20, 2005 Share Posted November 20, 2005 I have approached her about it in relation to the way she has treated other people and she just doesn't get it. How do you make someone who is self absorbed see how they're treating other people?You can't. All you can do is present them with the evidence and let them decide for themselves. I end up getting angry with her and I don't like to get angry.Your anger is justified. Now, how you manifest it is something else. If you got so mad that you picked up a rock and bopped her in the head, that's probably not the best way to deal with it. (The local constabulary may have something to say about it as well.) But you certainly have the right to get angry. I can't change her and it's not my job to.Well, you pretty much nailed it: you're not her counsellor or psychologist and it's not your responsibility to guide her through a change process, especially if she's not interested in wanting to change. You've done your part. The rest is up to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Topshotter Posted November 20, 2005 Share Posted November 20, 2005 Have you ever had the thought why she may be acting this way, Maybe she has some kind of problem that she can not express, However then again there is a 17 year of friendship, This may not be the problem to her behaviour and attitude toward's people. You done your best, let it go or try accept it as personality. Link to post Share on other sites
Brittanyjean06 Posted November 20, 2005 Share Posted November 20, 2005 if she is really so self absorbed, than not only you will tell it to her like it is.... someone will eventually bring it up to her...and if she doesnt change that ...than she is loosing friendships and one day it will hit her how shes been things do hit people and hopefulyy it will hit her in time and you can see if it is much deeper than that....does she have a bf? Link to post Share on other sites
Topshotter Posted November 20, 2005 Share Posted November 20, 2005 does she have a bf? Hehehe LOL Who would put up with her! Link to post Share on other sites
Author JS17 Posted November 20, 2005 Author Share Posted November 20, 2005 I do know why she acts the way she does, she was physically and sexually abused as a child. She's started therapy again and I think it has made her behavior worse. She is a "happy" outgoing person so she is never short on friends and many do come and go and it doesn't really affect her. She always has a boyfriend. She doesn't get attached to anyone so she never has trouble with breakups and usually starts scouting new prospects before each relationship ends. I don't condone her behavior and I genuinely feel sorry for her boyfriends, lord knows I understand how it feels to be in their shoes. I don't think she wants to be this way I just don't think she understands what she's doing and doesn't understand real feelings. It's hard to turn your back on a friendship this long when she's trying to change. I think it's just going to be a long time before she hits her selfishness in therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JS17 Posted November 20, 2005 Author Share Posted November 20, 2005 Hehehe LOL Who would put up with her! LOTS and LOTS of guys! Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted November 20, 2005 Share Posted November 20, 2005 LOTS and LOTS of guys! Ouch.... Link to post Share on other sites
Topshotter Posted November 20, 2005 Share Posted November 20, 2005 LOTS and LOTS of guys! Lol ouch yeh, agreed... got me there, She was abused! So it could be the reason, She was abused in the past it leads her to genral odd behaivour, I guess not that she want's to act that way but because of the background and the thing's she's been through... Link to post Share on other sites
Author JS17 Posted November 20, 2005 Author Share Posted November 20, 2005 she knows it, she'll admit it. I'm ok with it because it really doesn't affect me except that all of our friends have a rule that we don't meet a boyfriend until they've been dating for a certain amount of time. But this is not the source of OUR relationship problems. This is the same girl that asked me if I could make my birthday party on a Friday night since she had plans on my actual birthday which was that Saturday. Now she wants everyone to go away on a ski trip for her birthday. So she shouldn't bother stopping by a bar in the city where we live but I should drag my @ss to the mountains to go skiing? She has canceled plans with me at the last minute more times than I can count. This is the problem that I have with her, I don't really care how many guys she's with. Link to post Share on other sites
Brittanyjean06 Posted November 20, 2005 Share Posted November 20, 2005 than there is nothing you can do, if she does know than she will have to change on her own, im sure its hard to give up on a 17 year relationship but youve been trying .......your not really giving up she kinda is....dont let her past dictate who she is though.... she will learn in time Link to post Share on other sites
Yamaha Posted November 20, 2005 Share Posted November 20, 2005 She sounds like a female version of an alpha male. Accept her as she is and learn to deal with it or not; the choice is yours. Don't expect her to change to fit your needs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JS17 Posted November 20, 2005 Author Share Posted November 20, 2005 She sounds like a female version of an alpha male. Accept her as she is and learn to deal with it or not; the choice is yours. Don't expect her to change to fit your needs. Yes, she is the female version of an alpha male. She runs men over like a freight train. Like I said, I feel sorry for them. I do realize that she won't change. I know it is my decision to cut the friendship or not. Like I said, I have pulled back and made it more casual in the past but we always end up becoming close again. Obviously we share a lot of friends so I will always see her, it's not like I could make a clean cut, but I'm not sure I would want to anyway. I do believe she cares about me as a friend and she has been there for me at my hardest times. These are the thoughts that keep me in this friendship. I try to look at the bigger picture with her. I think I will try again what I have in the past, making our relationship more casual. Thanks for your advice everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 20, 2005 Share Posted November 20, 2005 To be honest, I don't know how we stayed friends this long. I've been struggling with this relationship for years now and I just don't know what to do anymore. It's difficult to trash a 17 year relationship but I can't stand her behavior anymore. How would you handle this situation? I ditched my best friend since 5th grade about 3 yrs ago. He was one of those ppl who f***ed up almost everything he touched but he had a heart of gold and good intentions. A lot of ppl did not like him and he could be a total dickhead sometimes. I introduced him to his now ex-wife and was his best man at the wedding. He totally mishandled the marriage and she left him after he became physically abusive. About 3 yrs ago i could not take it anymore being friend w/ him. It came down to my own mental health and well being so i basically told him we cannot be buddies anymore. He could not believe it and kept pestering me and calling me and then when he discovered i was serious he stopped trying to contact me. this is what you need to do JS17. it is her or you, period. drop her like a hot potatoe and find new friends to "hang" with. good luck alpha Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted November 21, 2005 Share Posted November 21, 2005 Your options: 1) Get angry with them each time they do it. Most people don't like facing anger, so tend to modify their behaviour if something they do consistently causes it. 2) Treat her the way she treats you. Then when she flips, just ask how it feels and say that's how you make me feel. 3) Ditch her Talking doesn't work - people don't change habits because of other people's words. Link to post Share on other sites
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