Work it out,Separate,Divorce-What to do?Help Please

[Tricia]

So Long I have wanted to post an thought I could handle my marria

ge on my own.I can't anymore,I am going insane an in need of help.This will be kinda long,I will try to keep as short as possible.

My Husband an I have been together for 11 yrs and married 6(we got married on our 5th anniversary)Since we have been together it has been nothing but 1 problem after another an I'm not talking lil things.Death,Murder,disease.

He has been thru at least 12 deaths with me in the last 11yrs and 2 murders.My best friend and Ex Fiance ,Also closet friend I have ever had were both killed on the same day.I have never been the same.He went thru it all with me.

We have always fought,some fights worse than other,nothing physical.I have told him to get out more times than I can count.I never meant it,I know it's wrong but I really just want to scare him an try to make him see what

 

he was/is doing to me.He verbually and emotionally abuses me,he ofcoarse does not think so.There is nothing about me that has not been attacked or thrown in my face,even things before him.No Matter how big the fight,I really believe we were meant to be an we would always be.

Everytime we get into one of the biggies,it is always me crying an pleading for him not to leave me,I feel like I am making the total fool out of myself and would lose all respect for another person doing this.I never have been this way with anyone else before.He brings out a very intense personality trait in me when we fight bad,it ,I'm sure is from all the hurt in the past I have yet been able to forgive him for.

All these fights thru the yrs I felt like we were worth working out our problems not only because we have an 8 yr.old son,But I was widowed at 19 and waited 15yrs to remarry..I didn't want to marry a just anyone,another words an dis-respect my 1st husband.It also means the world to me for 1 of my children to be raised by both parents.With all the problems,there was no infidelity or so I thought.( at least for 8-9 yrs,I thought it was gonna kill me.)

 

 

 

We have always said we were soul mates.In my heart of hearts I do believe we are meant to be,I can't imagine my life without him,others say we are soulmates,gotta be something to it.

Anyway,I found out a yr.ago Dec.5th that he had cheated on me 2 yrs prior.He cheated with the town skank who had also destroyed my best friends 10yr marriage.Her an I have been friends for 33yrs,so this scum knew me well an knew my husband.2 weeks later,he does it again with another girl.Drives to her house in MY car an does his business,she ofcoarse knows he is married with kids an could care less.After telling me all this,he is trying to "come Clean"no secrets-hummm-------He also lets me know Months,maybe a yr later I am taking care of my dying grandma(who is like a mom)out of town.He carries on with a chick online in Cali and told me he "thought"he was in love with her,using her to replace me,because I wasn't there for him(almost a yr.I was gone,came home a day or 2 a week)

All of this is told to me with-in 1 week,I was a basket case.The biggest problem I had with the first was besides what she helped to do to my best friend,she was my arch enemy.He knew I was sick but thought I was faking,turned out I have Lupus,made him feel like a real heel.

Back to the online chick,he, e-mailed her told her he was never in love with her,it was all fantasy and he was just using her to replace me,-----------OK,thats has all been a yr ago,that I found out,after much fighting and crying(The 1st time I ever seen him really cry)we decided to try,he has gone back to his cold ways.I do alot for him and run myself ragged for my family,to the point because of my illness-I am worn out,no desire for sex an can be The Queen B***H.I get very upset because everyone depends on me,an I am only 1 person.I get NO help from my husband,he has washed dishes 1 time in 11 yrs-enough said.

If EVERYTHING is not the way he wants it,depending on his mood,it can get ugly an I fight back,usually making matters worse in my anger.

I Love this man with every fiber of my being and he knows it,like I said it is always me begging an crying.He told me tonite he is desensitized to my crying and hurt b/c there is always "something"with me.

I knew this already.I get so emotional or mad,an mad I say very ugly things I don't mean,usually in response to a put down,mocking me or name calling.The biggest, him letting me think he is gonna leave me and not talk to me for days,even a week at the time.I panic,an alway make matters worse.

I do have a serious abandonment issue,just about EVERYONE who has ever loved me,or that I have truly loved has died.Ok so in the last 6 months,I have lost my Grandma,who ment more to me than anyone in the world,she loved me unconditionally,A Patient I had gotten close to while taking care of her,My boss of 4 yrs and to top it all off my son left for Iraq this morning by plane.He is 21 and the only son of my an my 1st husband.So right now to say the least----I'm Losing it an feel like I am losing my everything,My Husband.

 

What I am getting at is this,I have been unable to deal with losing my grandma,then when Frances(My Patient)passed it brought it all right back home.Selling my grandma's house is a huge issue with me,I don't want to but everyone thinks its best and my Mom will be giving me a large portion,so with that money we could get the home we want an really get the things he is working so hard for now.He,when I brought it up that this was the perfect time to go,he wouldn't have to worry about me an money,his reply was "well it's true."

I poured my heart out to him this afternoon,face to face an tears rolling down my cheeks,with no response.That hurts.

I believe our love is clouded by everything we have been thru an not knowing how to handle things when they are bad,We turn on eachother.

I have always said,when we get along it is great,but when we don't it is awful.When he's mad,he says we don't think the same and we don't get along.Not true,unless we are fighting.

My question is,I guess----If he is Desenstized to me an my feelings,there is nothing I will be able to say to convince him to try,really try an make our marriage work.I don't know if he is just mad right now or he really means it this time.He has never really taken responsibility for what he has done to me,I don't think he realizes the deep pain he brought to me almost a yr.

ago,an yes,I am still angry about it.

He talks as thou we are already divorced at times.I asked him today if he wanted a separation or divorce,he said he didn't know.Is he trying to tell me he is done with me,without coming right out an saying it?

I realize how lonnnnnng this is an I am sorry,I guess I needed to vent.I am hoping some of you have some good advice for me,I will try anything at this point.In more ways then 1 we are just alike,thats what makes it so hard.

Thanx for any an all help,

Tricia

[Becoming]

Dear goodness, you have simply had too many losses to be sane. No offense or judgment here, but, seriously, you've had so much happen to you that you've probably got unresolved grief issues that affect your judgment.

But I hear your desperate, desperate pain, like that of a child crying for someone to love her and care for her, and it breaks my heart. That someone, though, is your adult self making good decisions that some distance and transcendence might give you.

 

You say you think you and your husband are both alike, and you're probably alike in this: your two hurt children are lashing out at one another because they want to be loved but aren't getting it. Check out http://www.marriagebuilders.com and read the stuff there. Your emotional needs aren't being met, and his probably aren't either because you don't know what these are.

 

But I'm concerned. Why would you stay with someone who treats you so badly? It sounds to me like you need some perspective that distance could give you. You say everyone else wants you to sell Grandma's house, but what do YOU want to do? For what it's worth, I think you should consider hanging onto it if you can and move in there. You need the familiarity and comfort of her memory to help you through all your pain. Surround yourself with good people instead of just people who take advantage of you and see if with some distance you and your husband can work through all of the pain by seeing a marriage counselor or working through the material on marriagebuilders.com.

 

I recommend the book Boundaries. You need some. You need to know what does and does not feel good to you, what you will and will not tolerate. And you need to post these boundaries to others and enforce them to keep yourself safe away from all the toxicity of your life.

 

Your husband has never taken responsibility for the pain he's caused, you say. And this is OK? On what planet?

 

Get away by yourself for awhile and get clear on what Tricia really wants. This is your life. Quit expecting everyone else to make you happy and figure out what YOU want to do, what will make you happiest, maybe not today because separation from someone you're enmeshed with hurts like crazy, but in the long run. Don't you deserve to be sane, healthy, and happy? You can be to a greater extent with some good choices on your part for your sake.

 

Sounds like a good book on codependence might also be in order. You can also look up grief issues online through a search on http://www.google.com. No one but you can really tell you what to do. But really, you have been through so much. A good therapist might be in order to help you through this.

[Lost434]

Once a cheat always a cheat. Get rid of him and move on. You may be able to forgive him, but you'll never forget. I'm losing my wife because I have been...... any way, NEVER has cheating on her crossed my mind in 17 years, I have enough respect for her to end the relationship before I would do that. If someone is willing to cheat on their spouse, that person isn't worth fighting for anyway.