Have I made the right decision ?

[gordon_gc]

Hi,

Just thought I would post a new thread and seek advices. Some of you have seen my other threads and what I went and still going through.

In a nutshell, my 13 months gf broke up with me 2 weeks ago. Since then, I have actually been trying to figure out the reasons behind it, the best way to behave to get her back, etc, etc...

 

However, this time, I went with my guts and did go against the whole NC because I needed a clear and honest explanation on a face to face basis. We met this morning for breakfast and finally had the talk I was expecting.

 

She told me she still loves me and has feeling for me but a part of her is away. She didnt want to lie to me and herself by keeping our relationship til she would solves this. I asked where that part was away and we finally ended to something really painful. I could describe our relationship as pre-Europe and post-Europe. Before travelling to Europe together, everything was fine til she met her ex boyfriend living in the UK. She didnt think she would feel that way but actually strong feeling seemed to reappear.

 

After this trip, I think she mostly was trying to forget this and move on but couldnt take this issue out her mind. She felt something strong for this guy and was confused about having me and this guy in her heart.

 

I clearly stated her that she mostly had a fantasy of that guy as he was far away, only in contact with her for good things and not the way I was with her meaning supporting her day in day out.

 

She said that she couldnt do anything further with me because of this feeling.

 

Obviously, I was upset and trying to getting back inot the relationship is not my decision. She obviously has this guy in her head, in her heart. I told her she had to stop lying to herself by thinking about that guy and maybe needed to have a talk with him. That is probably the hardest decision I ever ahd to make : accepting the way she felt and pushing her to get in touch with this guy.

 

It is a big gamble for me. She could get back with this guy. She could also realized he is not the one she thought. Anyway, she has to clear her mind from this. I just hope I made the right decision by supporting her and not getting mad at her…just thought it wouldn’t help me, her, us by using my ego to solve the issue…it might work, it might not work.

 

After all the emotion of the conversation, we started a meaningless conversation about the good time we had, life and kissed. It was a bit awkward and in some way, even more confusing but the feeling were still here and she appreciated my understanding and my kindness.

 

Since then, we are in contact but don’t really know if I should practice NC until she solves her problems with that guy.

Anyway, I have 2 questions: Do you think I made the right decision by supporting her to call that guy and have the talk they should have ?

Then, what should I do with my contact with her, NC or not ? What behaviour should I have ?

 

Hope I have clear to explain the situation and don’t hesitate to ask me details if you want some more.

[kodiak]

Gordongc-

 

I have to adment you for the way that you handled that situation. If my e broke up with bc of un-resolved issues that she had with an ex, i would be alot worse than you seem to be. I give you kudos on telling her to go find out what she needs to know by calling her ex. That shows that you are very secure with yourself. I dont know if i could do that. I say that i could but when it actually came to telling my ex that, I dont know if i would be able too. As far as the NC goes, dont call her. She is obviously very confused right now. She needs to figure out what she wants and if you are in the picture she will not be able to do this, TRUST ME. It will kill you inside not to talk to her as I am going through the same thing. My situation is completely different though. NC is there so that you can get over your ex. Not so they will miss you, not say they will realize that they screwed up, its for you. People have always told me that if two people are meant to be, then they will be. It might be years from now, someday out of the blue (Elton Johns Song, its great, but true). However nothing you can do right now will cahnge the situation. I know that it is tough, i have been fighting it everyday, and its hard. However when you get that urge to contact the ex, divert your attention to something else. Trust me you will be happy you did. Your ex should respect you a whole lot for how you are handling the whole situation. Hope I could help my brother.....

[gordon_gc]

Gordongc-

 

I have to adment you for the way that you handled that situation. If my e broke up with bc of un-resolved issues that she had with an ex, i would be alot worse than you seem to be. I give you kudos on telling her to go find out what she needs to know by calling her ex. That shows that you are very secure with yourself...

 

Hi, thanks for your support.Trust me, the decision I made was not an easy one . But I know this is the big issue right now and without solving it, our relationship is meant to disaster and distrust. I am suffering a lot but...

 

I love her.

 

I just know it.

 

I wouldn't say that I am secure with myself because I am gambling big on this one but I also know that she still has second thoughts (and that I occupy a part of her heart) as I have always respected her, always supported her. Moreover, the way I am now handling the situation illustrates to her eyes that she is important in my life (and not the opposite).

 

I deeply hope she will contact this guy , have a honnest chat and realise all these fantasy she has about him being the perfect man are just illusion someone would have when you see someone 2,5 years down the line.

 

Regarding the NC, I do agree and realise that it is somehow important to the whole process because if we keep having contacts, she will feel good and will not have that thinking process and talk she needs to face. But gosh, it is just so hard. I told her I would be here for her when she would have the answers to all the questions she has but not necessarly waiting for her (I perfectly know I will though...at least for a bit just in case).

[upsetnhurt]

Gordon,

 

You have the right attitude. I am going through the same types of things with my ex as well. I needed to let her go to find herself as she was still having doubts due to a past relationship that she obviously still had some feelings for. Four months later and very little contact, the only advice I can give you is to understand that the worst is yet to come. You are in the hope stage as you are thinking that there is a chance she just might come to her senses and be with you. Know that this is the least likely option here. You will get angrier by the minute and find it hard to maintain these calm feelings you display. Digest them all and don't do anything stupid. Every time you talk with her and be nice to her, you are prolonging her healing process. Show yourself that you can handle everything and keep in mind that you have no power in this situation, you can't change her thought process. Walk away and live your life to the fullest. There is a person out there for you that is as ready as you are to open their heart to you.

[gordon_gc]

It is true that I have some kind of hope...and I do realise that the hope I have actually hurts me.

I know I should get over it but still believe there is a chance. In the worst scenario possible, she'll contact him, they will get back together and I'll be left on the side but then again, by reading the thread in here, we all know that giving a second chances is hard if unsolved issues havent been resolved. In this case, I do hope that their second chances will only be an illusion.

By that time, I might have met someone who actually deserve my love and respect bu at the moment, I cannot give these to anyone else. I'll stick to NC knowing it will be hard.

 

By the way, I just wanted to ask a question: Has anyone lived my situation and got a positive outcome to the whole situation ? Has anoyone lived a second chance and how did it go ?