I'm a dirty cheater

[venus]

I need help! I've found the perfect man and I'm giving up everything to be with him overseas, but I've done something very stupid. I cheated on him with my ex. I think it's because I was more lonely than anything because we only meet every 2 months (my boyfriend and I), and not to mention that I was BEYOND DRUNK. My ex is a serious alcohol and drug addict, which was why I broke off our relationship. I don't understand why I did that and I feel completely horrible because my present boyfriend is everything I've ever dreamed of. Could somebody help me understand what I'm doing and offer some advice on what to do.

[Tony T]

Cut yourself some slack, forgive yourself, don't do it again and don't talk about this to anybody.

 

Get yourself checked for AIDS and other STD's before you have sex overseas.

 

Stop drinking to the point that you do things you don't want to do. Do yourself a favor and stop drinking altogether. Are you a better person for drinking?

 

Now, forget the whole matter, don't put yourself in that situation again, stop seeing your ex, don't talk about this ever again...just forget it...and have a nice time with your guy overseas.

 

Over and out.

[Eric]

I've seen this advice a couple times when I've browsed through here. "Keep your mouth shut and pretend it didnt happen". If you cheat, you should be OBLIGATED to tell your partner. Last I checked (and I'm not a doctor), but it can take up to HALF A YEAR for AIDS to become apparent to tests. Now, I could be wrong, and if your in this field of study and know it, feel free to correct me. So unless you arent planning on having an intimate relationship with him for that long, you shouldnt play the Lottery with his life. If you think its okay to gamble with someone else's life... Well, you know how fair that is.

[Tony T]

The basis for your feeling of obligation to tell seems to be rooted in disease rather than morals. As I told this person in my post, she should get checked for AIDS and STD's. Any competent medical person who performs these checks, by law, must advise the person that the incubation period for AIDs is four to six months.

 

My position, and that of most therapists and newspaper advisors on the subject, is to NOT tell the other person. It creates so many more problems than it settles.

 

I am with you 100 percent that sex should be abstained from until there is NO chance of transmitting disease.

 

In this particular case, her guy is overseas and it may be a while before they get together so some of the waiting for sex will not be difficult.

 

If you have another compelling reason why people who cheat once or twice should just run to their partner, tell, and screw their relationship to hell, please set it forth here. I am absolutely open in every way to having my mind changed.

[sam]

I can understand both opinions on this issue, and the arguments made for why it's better to tell or not to tell, but consider also this: how is it possible to continue a relationship with someone you cheated on, when you know without a doubt that if that person knew about your cheating, the relationship would be OVER. It's almost like the relationship doesn't even exist anymore....because if the boyfriend/girlfriend who was cheated on had all the facts, he/she would most likely break up with the cheater.

The basis for your feeling of obligation to tell seems to be rooted in disease rather than morals. As I told this person in my post, she should get checked for AIDS and STD's. Any competent medical person who performs these checks, by law, must advise the person that the incubation period for AIDs is four to six months. My position, and that of most therapists and newspaper advisors on the subject, is to NOT tell the other person. It creates so many more problems than it settles. I am with you 100 percent that sex should be abstained from until there is NO chance of transmitting disease. In this particular case, her guy is overseas and it may be a while before they get together so some of the waiting for sex will not be difficult.

 

If you have another compelling reason why people who cheat once or twice should just run to their partner, tell, and screw their relationship to hell, please set it forth here. I am absolutely open in every way to having my mind changed.

[Eric]

Thats a good point. Basically, you would know yourself, that if your partner truly knew what you did (which really kind of depicts the type of person you are), they would leave you. Its almost like your tricking them into staying. Anyhow, thats not why I cared enough to open a discussion, mine was based in the disease arena.

 

I'd like to add, there arent alot of relationships out there where a person can abstain from sex with their partner for the duration of the six month incubation period without having a damn good reason to give them. Even this person with an over seas relationship, I'd be willing to bet they wont wait. I mean if I only saw my partner once every two months, I'd want to get laid when I did.

 

=)

I can understand both opinions on this issue, and the arguments made for why it's better to tell or not to tell, but consider also this: how is it possible to continue a relationship with someone you cheated on, when you know without a doubt that if that person knew about your cheating, the relationship would be OVER. It's almost like the relationship doesn't even exist anymore....because if the boyfriend/girlfriend who was cheated on had all the facts, he/she would most likely break up with the cheater.

[Tony T]

First of all, stop calling yourself a dirty cheater. We are not defined as human beings by this kind of rare behavior.

 

Second, you do not have to thank me for your cheating...you did it all by yourself without any assistance from me. Your heading makes it sound like you are thanking me for your dirty cheating.

 

Good luck to you. I think you have made the right decision. Be sure to protect all concerned regarding AIDS and other STD's.