Another rant on the opposite needs between the sexes.

[Walk]

My bf came home friday night after visiting his grandparents. (I've never met his family) He seemed upset with me, so I asked why he was upset with me. He says it was because I didn't discuss a money issue with him. (money involving less then $60, and it was for food.) So beside this point... after he rants about this for a while, he then says he's frustrated that his grandma was asking why he wasn't married and had kids yet. This was the conversation as I heard it from him:

 

He said, she asked if he was married yet.

"No." he says.

"Are you seeing anyone?"

"Yes." he says.

She asked either if he was going to get married, or if he'd found the one he wants to get married to. (can't remember for sure.)

He said No, not yet.

So she tells him not to worry, he'll find that girl somewhere. And to just keep looking. Then tells him a story of a friend meeting a girl a work and now they're married.

He basically said he knew he hadn't found the right girl yet.

 

I was so hurt. We'll have been together 2 years in December. I've never met his family, except for a brother I knew long before I knew him. I've met his best friend once, right when we started dating. The only time we discuss marriage is when I bring it up, and he tells me he's commitment phobic. He makes comments about how stupid men are to get married.

 

Yet he's told me, only twice, that he has thought of marrying me.

 

The next day, he's distant and moody. Wants time to himself. I went and did other things all day. Told him to call if he wants to spend time with me. I get home that evening to have dinner he starts saying how much I sleep, and geez it must be nice, and all I ever do is sleep. I told him he was just jealous. He says he is, but it's like the hound and the mongrel (?? I have no idea what he was getting at.) I ask what he means by hound/mongrel. He explains. I say, "oh, I thought you meant the hound was... oh, nevermind." He got mad at me. Got up, left the room.

 

Finally he comes back, I ask what he meant when he said he "hadn't found the one". What did he mean by not having anyone he'd want to marry. And saying he just hadn't found the right girl yet... He asks if he has a wedding ring on his finger. I say no. He says, "then I haven't found the right girl. Until I have a ring on my finger then I haven't found the girl." (wtf?) Then asks if I'd be ecstatic if we went and got married right then? (by this point I was confused) We're arguing, why would I be ecstatic?

 

Then he turns the whole converstaion into how I don't fulfill his needs (sexually). And how he fulfills all mine. I explain he doesn't, because what I want are hugs, kisses, and cuddling. Maybe an honest "i love you" of his own free will. He says those aren't real needs. sex is a real need, but the affection isn't a real need. And the only way he'll be more affectionate, is if I fulfill his sexual needs.

 

Then tells me that I don't ask him to go down on me without pushing the issue, or wanting hugs and cuddling. And why can't I just have him go down on me and let him get back to whatever he was doing. Basically have him go down on me, and then he'll immediately get up and go play video games or read the paper or something. That I'm not even trying to meet his needs.

 

I just wish that he could understand that all his effort to meet what he thinks I need, isn't working. But if he'd listen to what I needed, then we'd both be happy. Instead he tells me my needs aren't real. But I have to fulfill his. I don't want money, or gifts, or a free stupid phone. I wanted him to want to hug me, to tell me I'm smart, and beautiful and funny once in a while. He'd rather give me money and tell me I owe him for his effort. Then get mad if I don't meet his need specifically the way he's dictated. But I can't get upset that he doesn't meet mine at all.

 

Why can't men understand this? Woman says I want you to want to cuddle up with me once in a while. Guy decides she must want another gift. I don't want your stupid fake flowers, or cards, or gas station bears. I want a friggin' geniune hug, once in a while. Why do men treat this as though I've asked him to peel his skin off? Is it me? Am I confusing? I ask for more affection, one guy decides I need a new house. I ask for some quality time together, and the guy decides I need a new phone? Where am I going wrong? I don't want your material possesions!! Hello?!? Would you guys take the cotton outta your ears for a moment.

[Outcast]

Why are you with this guy?

[JS17]

Why are you with this guy?

[JS17]

Why are you with this guy?

wow, that was scary:laugh:

[Art_Critic]

I third it....

[whichwayisup]

There are some serious communication problems. Each of you have needs that are not being met. He is pushing you into a fight, making you feel bad and I personally think him telling you more or less that you're not the girl for him (you know what I mean) could be his way of trying to get YOU to break up with him.

 

Can you see yourself married to this man? How does (did) he treat you most of the time when things are OK?

 

Both of you need to sit and sort this out, really talk and really listen to what the other person says...To understand and work together to fix the issues and problems. IF you both can't do that then the relationship is going to end. He is pulling back from you, pulling the give me this and I'll give you that game - It's BULLs*** and immature.

 

The other choice you have is to tell him YOU need some space to think, call a girl friend and stay at her house for a week. Then do some thinking about what you want from him and if he is marriage material for you. (How old are you both?) You doing this will make him stop and think too.

[Walk]

Why are you with this guy?

 

Wow.. that made me laugh. Not that your asking is funny, but that you all said it at once.

 

whichwayisup: As far as age goes, I'm way too old for this crap. I've had two "real" relationships in my life (one 9yrs. and this one) Both relationships have had the same problem. And I can't figure out if he's just being a jerk, or if I'm not expressing myself clearly. Or if I'm expecting too much? Both relationships I asked for more affection, and both times I've been told I'm being selfish. I don't feel that I am. I really don't believe that I am, but I don't want to close myself off to the possibility if it's going to ruin all my relationships.

 

And lastly... Will someone please.. please reassure me that a healthy loving relationship is out there. Someone who's been with their partner for at least a year. I need some reassurance. All I see and read is how everyones unhappy, they're treated like objects, or not respected as human beings, and no one is happy whether they left the jerk or not. Because the next ones a jerk too.

 

I hate giving up. and I hate quitting. I've offered solutions, but he says they're unrealistic. Or that I'm not thinking long term. Not seeing the "bigger" picture.

 

And how do you break up with someone? If I did.

[JS17]

All I see and read is how everyones unhappy, they're treated like objects, or not respected as human beings, and no one is happy whether they left the jerk or not.

 

You're going to read about a lot of people here who are unhappy with their relationships present or past, otherwise they wouldn't be on here looking for advice, support, or venting. There are a handful of people here that are in happy relationships, if you want to read about the happy relationships start reading the sex threads.

 

How do you break up with someone? Nice and clean. Have all of your things just about ready to take back from him and vice versa. Be calm and prepared, he may not see it coming and could get emotional or angry.

[Lishy]

Walk honey you need to get away from this guy!!!!!! He is a tumour in your head and he will grow until your head explodes.

 

I have said this to you before babe but you have to get away from him

 

I have to say why did his nan ask if he was married? Surely she would have been pissed if he was and she wasnt invited! haha

 

He isnt worthy of you he is self centred and horrible .... You are an intelligent, hilariously funny girl and you need to make yourself happy. This man will chip at your self esteem until it is at zero and then you will just put up and shut up until he meets the girl of his dreams!!!!

 

You are worth so much more hon, I wish you could see that!!

[Walk]

I'm scared. And it hurts so damn much. I just wanted to be accepted for who I am. And he says he only brings all this stuff up, because he wants to fix our relationship. That he wants the best for us. That I am attractive, etc, but that I'm not doing the things he's asked me to do. That I'm being unfair in taking everything and not giving. And that his being with me proves he loves me, because he just leaves women when he's not in love, or doesn't think they're worth it. He says I'm too sensitive, and i need to be smarter in how I deal with his mood swings and frustration. That I have to be the "nurturer/bonder", to recreate that connection after he's been gone all week. But that I'm not doing that, so he gets more frustrated.

 

I'm scared to death, and I feel like a failure. And I don't know what's right anymore, or if we're both wrong. And I keep thinking if I'm just smarter, or more attentive, or more loving, less sensitive, less hurt by what he says. That I'm just being petty because if I didn't have a low self-esteem then his comments shouldn't hurt. Because I'd be strong and capable and wouldn't care. He says he's joking, or I took it wrong, and that I need to stop focusing so much on how I feel, and more on how he feels.

 

And part of me feels he's right. Which confuses me.

[Art_Critic]

He says he's joking, or I took it wrong,

 

so he blamed you ....That's mature..

 

Walk.. you need to figure out if this is what you want and if he doesn't start taking your feelings seriously then you have part of your answer.

[Lishy]

Hey baby

 

Click this link and brouse the topics - Tell me after if you can see what he is doing and why he is doing it, look all over the site and you will understand what you are dealing with hon

 

http://www.drirene.com/abuserpages.htm

[Outcast]

Both relationships I asked for more affection, and both times I've been told I'm being selfish

 

What are the chances that you're attracted to 'bad boys' or 'macho' type men?

 

I'm scared to death, and I feel like a failure.

 

There is nothing to be scared of. Plenty of people live on their own quite successfully. And you're not a failure - he is. He's a jerk and that's a failure of personality.

[JS17]

What are the chances that you're attracted to 'bad boys' or 'macho' type men?

I highly doubt he started out that way. I bet he didn't let this side of him out until half a year to a year into the relationship.

 

Walk, do what's right for you. If you want to get out then get out. If you want to stay then you need to make him see that your feelings are valid and he needs to approach any problems in a more mature way. Why does he think that you're being selfish? Is there any truth to his criticisms or are they unfounded?

[Outcast]

I highly doubt he started out that way. I bet he didn't let this side of him out until half a year to a year into the relationship.

 

But she's fallen for a few of this sort. I'm thinking she's attracted to 'macho' which can also equate with 'insensitive' and 'emotionally unavailable'.

[alphamale]

I'm thinking she's attracted to 'macho' which can also equate with 'insensitive' and 'emotionally unavailable'.

Well OUTCAST, we are all "insensitive" and "emotionally unavailable" to some extent. Its more if one is a little bit like this or a lot like this....

[JS17]

But she's fallen for a few of this sort. I'm thinking she's attracted to 'macho' which can also equate with 'insensitive' and 'emotionally unavailable'.

I didn't know that. I was speaking out of my experience not hers (I don't know her background). I stand corrected. I was with a guy like this and on the front end of the relationship, he seemed like the most sensitive guy I'd ever come across. Never saw it coming and as many times as I tried to break up with him it never stuck. I probably wouldn't have had the strength to leave if he didn't force me to. It takes a strong person to leave this kind of a relationship. I hope you can find the strength to be with someone who will make you happy.

[NYCmitch25]

I was so hurt. We'll have been together 2 years in December. I've never met his family, except for a brother I knew long before I knew him.

Wow, walk, that is pretty messed up. I can see how you are so upset. However, after 2 years I have to wonder why you had no idea that he felt this way? Seems like you have been in a little bit of a denial about your relationship or perhaps you feel you 'deserve' this kind of treatment. To be honest, every minute you spend with him is just another wasted minute of your life. I know that financially and emotionally it's difficult but I highly suggest you take this as a moment of clarity and end it. You haven't met his family and friends and also a good guy doesn't try to pick fights over nothing like the (60bux) because he's feeling presure from his family. Obviously he's not happy and you aren't either, can you tell me why you want to try to work things out ?

[mini696]

It sounds like you both ahve a lot of pent up frustrations in your relationships.

 

I have nothing to add other than not all guys are like him. In fact I have the same problem you have. But because I am the guy in the relationship, I feel needy and clingy if I sak my GF for more hugs and cuddles etc.

 

Your guy is an a**h***.

[oh_what_am_I_doing]

And that his being with me proves he loves me, because he just leaves women when he's not in love, or doesn't think they're worth it. He says I'm too sensitive, and i need to be smarter in how I deal with his mood swings and frustration. .....I'm scared to death, and I feel like a failure. And I don't know what's right anymore, or if we're both wrong. And I keep thinking if I'm just smarter, or more attentive, or more loving, less sensitive, less hurt by what he says. That I'm just being petty because if I didn't have a low self-esteem then his comments shouldn't hurt. Because I'd be strong and capable and wouldn't care. He says he's joking, or I took it wrong, and that I need to stop focusing so much on how I feel, and more on how he feels. And part of me feels he's right. Which confuses me.

 

Walk, I'm going to go against the grain here. However let me preface it by saying that if you feel verbally or mentally abused in any way, leave him immediately.

 

It sounds like your low self-esteem is something your man doesn't know how to deal with. I say this because your quote above is exactly what I am going through. My boyfriend tells me all the time that he shows he cares because he's still hanging around. He says that he wouldn't put up with this type of thing from anyone else in the world, and that if he didn't care about me, he'd be long gone. It's true, too, because he left his own mother and won't speak to her because she's emotionally unstable. It sounds like your man is very much like mine. He wants to make it work with you but doesn't know how to handle things.

 

I've also thought that if I cared less, if I were a stronger person, I just wouldn't care about any lack of affection I perceived. So what I've decided to do is to seek counseling, and I encourage you to do the same.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

My bf came home friday night after visiting his grandparents. (I've never met his family) This was the conversation as I heard it from him:

 

He said, she asked if he was married yet.

"No." he says.

"Are you seeing anyone?"

"Yes." he says.

She asked either if he was going to get married, or if he'd found the one he wants to get married to. (can't remember for sure.)

He said No, not yet.

So she tells him not to worry, he'll find that girl somewhere. And to just keep looking. Then tells him a story of a friend meeting a girl a work and now they're married.

He basically said he knew he hadn't found the right girl yet.

 

I was so hurt. We'll have been together 2 years in December. I've never met his family, except for a brother I knew long before I knew him. I've met his best friend once, right when we started dating.

 

 

Then he turns the whole converstaion into how I don't fulfill his needs (sexually). And how he fulfills all mine. I explain he doesn't, because what I want are hugs, kisses, and cuddling. Maybe an honest "i love you" of his own free will. He says those aren't real needs. sex is a real need, but the affection isn't a real need. And the only way he'll be more affectionate, is if I fulfill his sexual needs.

 

Then tells me that I don't ask him to go down on me without pushing the issue, or wanting hugs and cuddling. And why can't I just have him go down on me and let him get back to whatever he was doing. Basically have him go down on me, and then he'll immediately get up and go play video games or read the paper or something. That I'm not even trying to meet his needs.

 

I just wish that he could understand that all his effort to meet what he thinks I need, isn't working. But if he'd listen to what I needed, then we'd both be happy. Instead he tells me my needs aren't real. But I have to fulfill his. I wanted him to want to hug me, to tell me I'm smart, and beautiful and funny once in a while. Then get mad if I don't meet his need specifically the way he's dictated. But I can't get upset that he doesn't meet mine at all.

 

Why can't men understand this? Woman says I want you to want to cuddle up with me once in a while. Guy decides she must want another gift. I don't want your stupid fake flowers, or cards, or gas station bears. I want a friggin' geniune hug, once in a while. Why do men treat this as though I've asked him to peel his skin off? Is it me? Am I confusing? I ask for more affection, one guy decides I need a new house. I ask for some quality time together, and the guy decides I need a new phone? Where am I going wrong? I don't want your material possesions!! Hello?!? Would you guys take the cotton outta your ears for a moment.

 

 

This is one of the more baffling posts I've yet seen at LoveShack.org.

 

The only thing that needs to be understood here is that youuuuuuuuuu should turn on your heels and get the heck out of that relationship immediately!!!

 

In some cases it just doesn't matter how much of your own emotional investment is tied up in it. When common sense overshadows the value of the potential emotional loss then you get up and go!!

 

What sort of a person dates a guy for two years without being invited to meet his family???

 

Then, despite that, she expects emotional closeness from (such a person) ????

 

"The best gauge as to how a guy will likely treat his female lover is how he treats his mother".

 

I am beside myself next to a big sign that reads, clearly, "2 + 2 = 4". Only I think I can see the sign and you simply refuse to.

 

This is one of those where you just turn and leave, and be ever so glad that you did!!

 

 

P.S. - The good guys do understand those things, and you should've seen the signs long ago that your guy doesn't fit in that classification.

[Walk]

"The best gauge as to how a guy will likely treat his female lover is how he treats his mother".

 

His mother died in '96 of heart failure. She was diabetic, and was going through dialysis. My bf moved in with her, worked two full time jobs while going to college full time to support her. At the same time he took care of his sisters son (4yr old), because she decided that having a child was too much work, but she still wanted the welfare the government sent. His dad died a while after leaving his mom, he was an abusive alcoholic. The rest of his family are his grandparents, and an 2 aunts/uncles. He stopped speaking to his two sisters a long time ago due to understandable reasons.

 

He still visits his mothers grave every year. And he took me last year.

 

Oh, I forgot to say, he was 19-22 during this time.

 

If based on the way he treated, and speaks of his mother still, he is the most wonderful, caring, respetful, get the job done at whatever the cost to himself, type of man.

[Outcast]

The best gauge as to how a guy will likely treat his female lover is how he treats his mother.

 

I disagree. Some mothers are horrid and don't deserve good treatment. Some men are pathologically attached to their mothers next to whom no woman can compare. The best way to know how he will treat you is how he treats you after you've been with him for several months.

[Lishy]

Walk you are in denial. You have ignored all of the advice given and picked up on one small thing which seems positive for him!

 

I am not judging or blaming you. I was at that place for a long time.

 

Did you read the site I posted? You will see what I mean if you do honey!!

[Walk]

The Controlling Caregiver:

Most controllers are among the most giving, care taking people you'll ever meet. After all, these people are just another variety of codependent. That's why once upon a time you thought you met the perfect person. That's why just about everybody (else) thinks your controlling partner is so wonderful... The shirt off his or her back? No problem!

Exquisitely tuned into what other people are thinking of him or her, this controller has many traits of the classic codependent: they can be very empathic and sense their partner's needs.

 

OMG Lishy!! This is him to a T, I swear.

 

Another contributing factor: the controller thinks they know best. Their judgment is infallible; they know what's best for themselves; they know what's best for you.

He set up the new grocery plan on when we're going, and who's paying, and when I said I was going last Friday instead, and using my money, he got upset.

In a split second, they find themselves in a hurtful pity pot; their only solace is licking their wounds. This place is the only sanctuary they could run to when they were hurt in childhood. All they know to do is push away the unloving parent who hurt them...

He even admits that his pushing me away is the only way he knows how to deal with things.

One of our biggest problems comes down to the fact that he feels he gives and gives, and isn't getting as much in return. I keep telling him that there's no way anyone can reciprocate what he's doing. That he makes it impossible. I ask all the time what I can do, or how I can help him, and he always says there's nothing. I buy him gifts, or things he's said he wants, but they get tossed in the corner. I try to make dinners, or find things for us to do that would be fun, and he doesn't want me to. And he HATES surprises.

 

Basically the whole article said I had to keep standing my ground if I chose to stay with him.

 

We argued more last night on his wants/my wants. I suddenly realized that it wasn't losing the relationship that made made me not want to leave. But this overwhelming feeling of making him "see". To be heard, and understood. It was the most important thing to me right then. I couldn't let it go, and it really got me thinking... Why is it so important that he hear me, and understand my feelings? I was like a pit bull that locked on to something and could not let it go. At that point I didn't care if the relationship ended, if I had to sleep in my car.. I didn't care if I never saw him after that evening, and was ready to walk out that door for good. Not a "I need space", but forever. I don't believe in going back. But I couldn't until he friggin' understood me.

 

I read this article once about how people have a "voice", and if that voice wasn't recognized by their parents as a child, then as an adult we continually seek out people who are like the parent. Then spend the rest of our lives trying to make that person hear us. My bf is just like my father was when he was in his 30's, in a lot of ways at least. How do we so uncanily choose replica's of our parents out of 3 billion people?