Having mixed feelings

[Terry]

Hi. I would really like some advice from anyone who has the time.

 

I will be leaving Thursday on a two week trip to Europe. I have had this trip planned for about six months. I have been pretty excited about going until the last few weeks. I have begun to feel some anxiety about the whole trip.

 

I think I know why but I don't know what to do about it. You see, about seven months ago I started dating a lady. We are now dating only each other and see each other almost every day. It's a good thing. We enjoy each other immensely. She is not going on the trip with me due to several factors.

 

When I first began planning the trip, she and I had not known each other long and I had no idea I would become so attached to her. Well now, I am not looking forward to being without her for the next two weeks.

 

I should be happy about this trip, but I am now having mixed feelings. I am really sort of depressed.

 

Any thoughts or comments?

[Tony T]

Well, it's sweet that you feel you will miss her but it is extremely unhealthy that you feel the sort of attachment to her that you will be uncomfortable on vacation for two weeks by yourself.

 

Yes, it would be nice if she was with you but a truly healty attachment would permit you the space to spend some time with yourself, in collective thought, enjoyment, etc., without your beloved. The greatest relationships in the world thrive in both togetherness and separateness.

 

If your separation anxiety becomes intolerable, see a counsellor. Even if you weren't going on vacation, you're feelings of anxiety about being away from your lady for a short period of time may be signs of deeper issues that should be explored.

 

Now if this has to do with guilt, a relationship with healthy communication and respect would be perfectly OK with going on a trip by yourself that was planned before you started seeing each other seriously. There is no reason why you shouldn't expect understanding from your lady and no reason to feel guilty.

 

You should appropriately expect to miss her...and even to call her once or twice from your vacation. Don't go sickeningly overboard by writing or calling every day. But to go into a depression because you'll be away from her for two weeks is problematical.

 

Some separation now and then is actually very good for a relationship. It'll make both of you appreciate each other a lot more. Of course, assure her she'll be included in your next journey. If she really cares about you, she should be very happy that you're able to get away to Europe for a couple of weeks. If she's not, she's very selfish and immature and you should review the relationship.

 

If she has tried to make you feel bad or guilty in any way regarding your vacation, she isn't worth your time. Being away from her is an excellent way to see just what quality of a relationship you have.

 

Celebrate your vacation and feel great about it.

[Terry]

Thanks for your insight!

 

She is not trying to lay any kind of guilt trip on me. She is glad that I have this opportunity and wants me to have a good time. She seems to be taking this much better than I am right now.

 

I totally agree that a couple should be able to spend time apart, in a healthy way, without any negative effects. As a matter of fact, she was just recently out of town for a week and I didn't have any problem with that at all.

 

This has really caught me off gaurd and is rather irritating considering how much time I have spent saving and planning for this trip. I have never been on a trip like this before. Maybe it's just trip anxiety and will diminish once I am in the air.

 

I have been wondering how much I should try to contact her while I am gone. This can be one of those touchy situations where too much contact would be "sickeningly overboard", and too little contact would mean "I havn't even thought enough of you to care".

 

Tony, this question goes for my upcoming vacation and for anytime a couple are away from each other for an extended period of time - How do you know how much contact is "too much" and how much is "not enough"? Is that an appropriate question to ask your girlfriend or is this something that people are just suposed to know the answer to without asking? Should I ask her how often she expects to hear from me while I'm gone?

 

Thanks

 

Well, it's sweet that you feel you will miss her but it is extremely unhealthy that you feel the sort of attachment to her that you will be uncomfortable on vacation for two weeks by yourself.

 

Yes, it would be nice if she was with you but a truly healty attachment would permit you the space to spend some time with yourself, in collective thought, enjoyment, etc., without your beloved. The greatest relationships in the world thrive in both togetherness and separateness.

 

If your separation anxiety becomes intolerable, see a counsellor. Even if you weren't going on vacation, you're feelings of anxiety about being away from your lady for a short period of time may be signs of deeper issues that should be explored.

 

Now if this has to do with guilt, a relationship with healthy communication and respect would be perfectly OK with going on a trip by yourself that was planned before you started seeing each other seriously. There is no reason why you shouldn't expect understanding from your lady and no reason to feel guilty. You should appropriately expect to miss her...and even to call her once or twice from your vacation. Don't go sickeningly overboard by writing or calling every day. But to go into a depression because you'll be away from her for two weeks is problematical.

 

Some separation now and then is actually very good for a relationship. It'll make both of you appreciate each other a lot more. Of course, assure her she'll be included in your next journey. If she really cares about you, she should be very happy that you're able to get away to Europe for a couple of weeks. If she's not, she's very selfish and immature and you should review the relationship.

 

If she has tried to make you feel bad or guilty in any way regarding your vacation, she isn't worth your time. Being away from her is an excellent way to see just what quality of a relationship you have. Celebrate your vacation and feel great about it.

[Tony T]

YOU ASK:

 

1. "- How do you know how much contact is "too much" and how much is "not enough"?

 

I've already answered this for you but here goes again. Calling her a couple of times over two weeks is fine...and sending her a couple of postcards is just about right. Send the postcards in the first week after you arrive because they will take five to seven days to arrive in the states.

 

Don't tell her how much you'll call her. It is best that she doesn't expect anything in particular. That way, if you fail to get to a phone she won't be pissed off. But do call her two, maybe three times tops.

 

If you contact her more than that, the calls will be pretty much meaningless.

 

2. "Is that an appropriate question to ask your girlfriend or is this something that people are just suposed to know the answer to without asking?"

 

Hell no, don't ask her. You're the boss here. It's your vacation. You are the one who will be taking time out from your good time to call her. You call her when YOU want to. GEEZZZEEEE...I can see who's going to wear the pants in this deal if you marry her. You better start being a man in this thing and making decisions for yourself.

 

3. "Should I ask her how often she expects to hear from me while I'm gone?"

 

You are obsessed with this. I mean, you are acting like you are about to separate from your siamese twin. Chill out. I hate to tell you this but this girl's life will be absolutely fine without so get off the ego trip. Your life will be fine too.

 

These questions indicate a pathology you may need counselling for. Being obsessed with contacting her is definitely not normal. As for frequency, how about letting things in the relationship be a bit more spontaneous.

 

Why don't you relax, PLEEEZZZEEEEE. Have a good time on your vacation.