How long to try?

[Zetter]

I need some advice. The basics are: 1) wife moves out in September becuase she "loves me but isn't in love with me" 2) she tells me she wants a divorce in October and begins dating somebody 3) We fight for the month of October and I ask her not to contact me unless it is divorce related 4) I leave for work for 3 months in November and ask for the papers 5) she asks for a little longer to make sure this is what she wants, and that we be friends during this trial period

 

I've been gone 2 weeks, and mostly via email we have gotten to a point where my wife believes that I now understand what she wants. However, she indicated that she would need experiences with me to build the trust and love again. She said that she is not ready yet to begin that process, and does not know for sure that she wants to, but she isn't sure she doesn't want to either. She said that she doesn't want to lead me on either. This is probably a very unique situation, but how long would somebody wait to figure out whether or not this is a waste of time? I'm 100% in love with my wife, and at this time i'm not looking at it like we are married, or else I'd go insane. My goal is to get back with her and work on our relationship (I've been to counseling and read a bunch of books and feel differently about relationships at this point), but I don't want to be a fool either. I know she has this newfound freedom, and isn't feeling trapped or unable to communicate with me. I truly believe it would be differnt, but other than telling her that, I can't do much as I'm overseas for a few months. Any advice would be welcome.

[whereismylifegoing]

you are married and she is doing this? f*** her and move on. she is a complete waste of time and don't be a sucker for her. you already know the answer, now follow through with it. it might have been ok if you didn't get married but when you tie the knot, it's not ok. she sucks..............

[Lost434]

On Monday May 17, 2004 I received a call from Eddie. He could barely talk because the emotions continued to choke him up. He told me it felt like someone had both hands pressing against his throat.

 

He could barely breathe...

 

Before Eddie called me he had just got off the phone with his wife Melanie. She delivered the crushing news that she did not love him anymore and did not see the point in continuing their 11 year marriage with a 9 year old daughter Emma and a 5 year old son Jacob.

 

After Eddie left for work, Melanie gathered up the two kids and headed 2 hours south to stay with her mother.

 

Eddie knew that his wife was not happy with their relationship; however, he never imagined that she would actually leave him.

 

She argued frequently that his attempts to change were usually short lived and shallow; nothing he ever did really had an effect on making her happy.

 

And to add to Eddie's confusion, all of his friends told him that Melanie was a typical woman, someone who could never be truly satisfied, a hungry pit that could never fill itself.

 

As a result, he never connected with what the real problem was. He never took the time to understand what was going wrong.

 

Like most of us, he chose denial over reality which resulted in losing the most important thing that he ever found ... love.

 

What went wrong?

 

Eddie's situation appeared to be hopeless to him,

(but not to me...)

 

Why?

 

Because this is not the first time I have see this.

 

I told Eddie that what was going on is not uncommon and that I did not believe his marriage was over.

 

He cursed me when I told him that.

 

'How can you tell me that I can save my marriage when my wife already left? It's over, that’s what she told me.'

 

'“If that were true, then why did you call me?' I responded.

 

The truth, I told him, is that you are in a lot of pain right now and your hopelessness is coming from not knowing what to do.

 

What Eddie needed was a plan

(a plan to save his marriage and his family...)

 

The best thing he could do is become serious about something he had been neglecting his entire life. The problem was not Melanie, the problem was inside of Eddie, and it was there before he ever met Melanie.

 

That really caught his attention.

 

You see, I did not believe that Melanie really wanted to end the marriage. Even though I had never met or spoken to her I knew it was not over.

 

I know in most cases it's not over.

 

Eddie needed to do something different. Most of his life he did the same thing expecting different results. This is the definition of insanity.

 

Almost everyone in Eddie's situation asks the question, 'Okay, I'm ready to fix this ... where do I begin?'

 

If you're serious about Saving Your Marriage,

then you need begin by dealing with two realities...

 

First of all, the reality that you need to successful deal with your existing problem. For example, how Eddie will handle Melanie’s separation from him.

 

Second, the reality that there is a deeper issue here. Melanie left because there is a deep problem that needs to be uncovered and solved. Solve that, and you have a happy marriage. (More on that later in a second)

 

Back to the first reality...

 

When it comes to saving their marriage

This is where most people blow it...

 

After many people find out that their spouse left, or stated that they do not love them anymore, many of us do four destructive things.

 

These four things not only make matters worse, but many times push the other spouse even farther away and closer to the divorce.

 

Here are the four things that Eddie fortunately avoided doing after Melanie left:

 

1) Begging Melanie to come home

2) Telling her he'll change

3) Calling her frequently

4) Making her feel guilty for tearing up the family

 

It was important for Eddie to resist the temptation to fall into these and many other common defenses after Melanie left.

 

If he wanted to save his marriage he knew he needed to avoid making the situation even worse. What he needed to do was to validate her feelings and be very careful about pushing her any further away.

 

Here's the problem with these four almost too common mistakes...

 

Common Mistake Number One...

 

First of all, if Melanie wanted to come home she would not have left in the first place.

 

Asking her to come home would only invalidate her. It would tell her that she does not have the right to be honest about her unhappiness and do something about it.

 

It would tell her that she is not okay.

 

Instead here is what Eddie told her when they talked two days later. (He gave her 48 hours to be alone - again very important)

 

'I understand why you left. You have been asking for a change for 11 years and I have not given it to you. I am sorry. You have every right to be unhappy and I understand why you went to your mothers.'

 

He confirmed that he did not want a divorce, and he understood that very serious changes were needed and he did not blame her for leaving.

 

That's all he said to her.

 

Instead of breaking down, he asked to talk to the children. He reaffirmed to his two children that everything would be fine and that he loved them very much and he would come down on the weekend and take them to the park.

 

Never did he blame their mother and never did he stop being a father.

 

Common Mistake Number Two...

 

Second, telling someone you will change after 11 years feels fake. They know you are desperate. And desperation is unappealing. Melanie wants a strong man.

 

A man who is confident, aware of his needs and her needs.

 

So, Eddie never made the claim that he 'will change' or 'is changing'. Instead he decided that the best thing he could do is move forward and implement the tools he learned in our step-by-step marriage saving system.

 

How did it work?

 

Read an excerpt from Melanie's letter to us.

 

'...It was very strange to me. I saw something in Eddie that I had never observed before, a confident humility. The result of it was a softer more compassionate person both towards himself and his family. At first I was a little skeptical. However, after 9 weeks I started to accept this change. The way he approached me and the children was different. For the first time...' (More from this letter later)

 

Common Mistake Number Three...

 

The third thing Eddie avoided was calling Melanie frequently.

 

He knew that she was controlling the situation right now. He could either fight it or submit to it. So he made a decision to call every night to talk with the children (again, still taking his role as a father very seriously) and only talked with Melanie if she wanted to talk.

 

If she initiated the conversation he engaged. If she wanted to argue, he would let her vent her frustrations without attacking her.

 

He learned how to open her up, getting her to talk by asking open ended questions. A new skill he learned on page 104 of our Saving Your Marriage Made Remarkably Simple System.

 

This was something that he never learned how to do; his father and all the other men in his family were very withdrawn. Very few of them were good at communicating or expressing themselves. Or worse, none of them ever did a good job at helping anyone else feel comfortable or vulnerable.

 

His entire life he thought that this was normal, but after going through our Marriage Saving System, he learned it was anything but not normal, it was a terrible dysfunction.

 

A dysfunction he fixed. (More on that in a minute.)

 

Common Mistake Number Four...

 

The fourth issue he decided to avoid was to make Melanie feel guilty for tearing up the family.

 

Melanie was not perfect. He knew that, and she acknowledged the fact. However, Eddie decided to take responsibility for his own problems. By living in that reality he became compassionate towards Melanie and never used the children to make her feel guilty.

 

By avoiding these four destructive habits, Eddie made it a lot easier for Melanie to see the changes in his life.

 

Why?

 

Because doing any one of the four things I mentioned usually makes the other person defensive and that is the last thing you want to do. He avoided stirring up negative emotions.

 

So on to the second reality.

 

How did Eddie solve the deeper problem...

 

Eddie took my advice and invested his time in our new step-by-step marriage saving system.

 

For almost a year we researched every major problem married couples have and then together worked with three of the country's leading marriage and family counselors. With 76 years of combined experience among these top counselors and thousands of saved marriages, we were able to put together a system that saves marriages.

 

Eddie started at the very beginning of our marriage saving system (over 200 pages of practical tools, steps and methods that work) and used our companion workbook to fix his problems.

 

Here are just a few of the things Eddie Learned:

 

How to understand what the real problem is...

Where our problems come from and how to fix them...

Learning how to fix and eliminate destructive patterns...

A blueprint for a healthy marriage – what it should look like...

5 steps for creating a plan for a healthy marriage...

How to connect emotionally...

How to bring the spark back into the marriage (7 powerful needs we have)...

Surviving an abusive marriage...

How to eliminate painful fighting...

What to do when your spouse is jealous and how to eliminate it...

How to restore the trust after your spouse cheats on you...

10 steps for building an intimate marriage...

To say the least Eddie was as desperate and he was skeptical. 'How can you be so confident that you will save my marriage, even after my spouse left?'

 

I told him this...I am so confident that I tell everyone who invests in our system that if it did not work, I will return 100% of their money.

 

Here was his response.

 

'With a claim like that, if it didn't work, I guess you wouldn't be in business...'

 

Not only that, I told him if he were to spend the time to go to a marriage counselor (even though we strongly encourage it) he would have spent at least 20-25 hours uncovering what we systematically outline.

 

For 20-25 hours at the standard $150/hour for an experienced counselor, you would have to spend around $2500. Money he and Melanie did not have.

 

As a result, he made the small investment of $49.95 and invested in our step-by -step marriage saving system.

 

What was the result?

 

Well, read a letter I received from Melanie last Thursday.

 

Dear Jeff and Marc,

 

Yesterday Eddie and I celebrated our 12th year anniversary. As I looked at my husband across from the dinner table I could not believe the change I saw.

 

For 11 years I knew there was a deep problem in our marriage. I knew I had a lot of issues and I knew my husband had many walls, but we could never get through them.

 

We tried the occasional counselor, but no one ever connected to the main problem, which was inside of us. I got to the point where I gave up hope and told myself I was not going to love this man any more because the pain was far too cutting, it was to much to handle.

 

So, after I left and then found out that my husband was working to save the marriage I was mad. I was mad at you. When I came home and saw your book and workbook, inside I knew that if I consented to work on the marriage that I would just get let down once again.

 

However, this time was different it was very strange to me. I saw something in Eddie that I had never observed before, a confident humility.

 

The result of it was a softer more compassionate person both towards himself and his family. At first I was a little skeptical. However, after 9 weeks I started to accept this change. The way he approached me and the children was different.

 

For the first time in many years I started to feel connected to my husband. I could see that there was something going on inside of him. Something that changed him.

 

No one has ever been able to do that in him, but the way you worked your system together opened his eyes.

 

It also opened my eyes too. After being separated for 14 weeks we decided to work it out. After I got home he showed me your workbook. I could barely read it because there were so many notes.

 

Fortunately, I was able to download a new copy off your site.

 

After seeing the change in him, I decided to go through your program too.

 

The result was a change in me as well.

 

It's been almost four months since I left, and I never want to re-live that nightmare again.

 

What the two of you did was simply amazing. Eddie and I appreciate the time, sensitivity and compassion that you showed to us. It was very evident through your writing and personal stories that you care.

 

Eddie and I are now living a new marriage, better than before as Dr. Gunsburg said in the book.

 

Thanks a gain and God bless you both,

 

Melanie

Sacramento CA

[Becoming]

I don't think your situation is unique at all. It sounds like the distance has enabled her to think about what she wants and that she's willing to give it another go because she still wants you--just not the relationship as it was with all its destructive patterns (at least from her point of view).

 

You can check out http://www.marriagebuilders.com for some really great FREE material that my husband and I are working through, and it's working little by little in ways the the $50 jobber says it will. And as a woman, I'm suspicious of what could be the game-playing of not chasing, etc. Maybe she wants you to chase her . . . ??? Who knows?

 

But lack of good attention is the #1 reason why women are seeking divorce in record numbers. And what feels like good attention to her may not be the kind of good attention you want.

 

Seriously, check out http://www.marriagebuilders.com. Great stuff. And you can each do this long distance via the website.

 

I'd definitely go slowly before moving back in if that's what you both want.

 

Aren't you in London, Zetter? or is that someone else. (I lived in London one summer--best time of my life.)

 

You can do this, Zetter, if you're really committed to being married and meeting her needs and she is committed to meeting yours as well. But you've both got to figure out what these are and what's hindering that possibility.

 

All the best, man . . .

[Zetter]

Thanks everyone. I am in London. That is part of the issue. I'm here for up to 3 months. Maybe that is good, maybe it will force us to drift apart. I will get to see her once this week when i'm back for a couple of days for Thanksgiving. And maybe at Christmas. I have accepted that my actions were the cause of this separation, and I'm hoping that she has the ability to see that I'm really trying, and it sounds to me like she is beginning to understand that i am capable of being the guy she thought she married. I know that it's never too late, but sometimes it feels like it, and other times it doesn't. The thing that I can't stand is her indecisiveness. Maybe that is what I'm calling "games," but she will tell me in one breath that she's worried about me finding someone else, and then in another tell me that she isn't ready for me and may never be. Just aggravating and heartbreaking.

[chocolate_boy]

Reconsilling a relationship is never an easy thing to do, it takes a LOT of strength and can be a true indication of your love for the other person, how much extra pain you're willing to go through and patience you have for something that might never happen.

 

Most cannot take it and find it easier to cope with moving on...

 

But if there is still a chance and you want it.. maybe you have to.