Am I expecting too much?

[lovey_411]

I'm not sure what to do anymore. Lately my SO have been fighting a lot and I feel like I'm on a never ending rollercoaster.

 

Last year I found out he he had cheated on me. The woman he was seeing didn't even know that he had a family at home. The pain and betrayal was unbearable, but the last two years of our relationship finally made sense. He always would make me feel crazy for even suspecting him and would constantly run me down and accuse me of cheating. I packed his clothes and shipped them on the greyhound, changed the locks and drained the joint account. When he came home and his key wouldn't work, he went crazy. I guess he thought that I would forgive him like I did for everything else. He cried, begged and tried to lie about the extent of it. I ended up taking him back after repeated promises that he loved me more than anything and this would never happen again. Promised me he would do anything to make this relationship work. And it was great, for about three months.

 

Now he is very cold emotionally and indifferent to me. For example, on Friday night I phoned him around 6 to ask him what time he was going to be home because I felt like getting out of the house. He tells me that he's at a lounge with guys from work but that we could go out for supper and drinks. So as it is 6 pm already and it will take him about a 1/2 hour to get home I tell him that he should leave right now because I was hungry and he says ok. I go and shower and get dressed up, it's now about 7 and he phones me and says he is just leaving. Of course, I get pissed off because by the time he gets home and showers, we'll be leaving about 8:30. I hang up on him because I am beyond pissed off. I try to phone him back about 5 minutes later and his cell is turned off. I wait about another 40 minutes and he is still a no-show. I knew that he wasn't coming home so I decide that I'm not going to sit at home once again. I go to the casino but try to phone him every half hour and sometimes his phone would ring so I know that he has it on but is just not answering my calls. I get home about two and see his truck is parked but when I get inside nobody is home. I am beyond angry at this point so I wait up until about 4:30, try to sleep but I am imagining him cheating on me and sleep evades me. I finally fall asleep and he phones me at 5 to ask me if he is welcome at home. I say no and hang up the phone. Then I hear the key turning in the lock and then the fight is on. He then tells me some bull**** story that he got a DUI and has been at the police station since two. Then after an hour of a screaming match he basically passes out but I am steaming. I am running on a 1/2 hour of sleep and can't fall asleep because I am angry. Of course, he didn't get a DUI, I still don't know where he was.

 

This is not the first time he has done this. When I try to talk to him about this he tells me that I am being stupid and he isn't doing anything wrong. He doesn't understand that since he has cheated on me and he agreed not to go to the bars anymore (since that's where he met all of his whores) that of course I'm going to be upset by this. What did he expect when he comes strolling in at 5 in the morning, that I'm going to be fine with that?? He tells me I am trying to control him and he can do whatever he wants. That is all I ask, that he not go to the bars anymore. I feel like I'm not allowed to have feelings, that all I'm here for is to be his maid. I didn't think that asking him to leave the bar early warranted this behavior. I go to school full time, he works 12 hours a day 7 days of the week, and my daughter (from a previous relationship) keeps me very busy with her activities. As soon as he gets home from work he eats quickly and goes to the gym for two hours. Then when he gets home he plays videogames until I insist that it's bedtime (he plays in our bedroom). I don't say anything about this, but I feel that asking for his time for one night out shouldn't create this drama.

 

I feel like I am going crazy, am I being too controlling by asking that he not go to the bars anymore? Was I wrong to tell him to come home because I didn't want to wait? I don't know what to think anymore, I am sick of the lies and drama, but on the hand I have invested 5 years into this relationship and he is a good provider financially. I don't know what to do anymore.

[d'Arthez]

The DUI is not there - it was just an excuse. Else you would be getting the notification(s), and his license would be revoked after a couple of times. The assumption that the DUI is a lie, is not hard to make.

 

Now if he is not going to explain it, you will mentally fill in the blanks yourself. It took him more than 10 hours on a ride of 30 minutes. Either he had to walk 50 miles, or he used the time for other activities - none of which he seems to be willing to divulge.

 

Are you willing to put up with this, or not? He made promises. But words are easy, and his actions do not match with the promises.

 

You can argue whether or not the not allowing him to go to bars is controlling. But you can even more easily argue that he is not displaying much respect for you and the relationship either. More than 10 hours to get home, fake excuses, and not wanting to tell what he really did.

 

My suggestion:

Either the two of you go to marriage counseling (if that is what the both of you want), in order to try and fix everything. Or consider to break up for good this time. If either of you do not want to live like this - and frankly this is not much of a healthy relationship.

[Enema]

There is no trust in there relationship. (For good reason it seems)

 

No Trust = No relationship.

 

It's over, the sooner you make it official the better.

[Enema]

btw, does anyone know how to edit a message you just posted?

 

I see a spelling error and it annoys the b'jeezus out of me

[jhurtinct]

I don't want to scare you and I could be wrong (but doubt it) I can't beleive reading this I could have wrote it. Its my situation exactly, you feel this way because of what he did not because your going crazy. He made you promises he isn't keeping and when mine was out until 5 am and wouldn't answer the phone he was doing one of two things or both, cheating and a nasty drug habit I knew nothing of. So don't blame yourself and don't listen to the lies.

 

Isn't it said how they come up with rediculous stories you know are so far from the truth but they exspect us to believe them. I'm sorry your going through this right now I know exactly how you feel and it horrible. Just don't be blind and you and myself can learn to provide for ourselves, these men use that against us as a way to say I control you because I provide for us, you need me no matter what I put you through, guess what we don't.

[lovey_411]

Thank you all for your replies. Had I known what I do now 5 years ago I would have run for the hills when I met him. It's true, how do you trust someone that doesn't want to earn it back, just expects it. How do you try to save a relationship like that? You don't, it's a waste of time and energy. I'm tired of being a detective, I'm tired of wondering where he really is, and I'm especially tired of someone thinking I'm so stupid that I will believe anything that comes out of his mouth. My 5 year old can come up with better lies.

 

jhurtinct, I'm sorry for what you have had to go through, I also have been in a relationship with someone who had a drug problem. It's horrible and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

[jhurtinct]

This whole thing started for me 3 yrs ago when one confirmed OW came foward, I left him he cryed and promised then I found out about the drug thing he claims to not have a prob w/but was using behind my back all along.

I took him back of coarse and believed him, he did get better with the going out until all hours thing so I don't suspect cheating as often, but it never leaves your mind.

 

everytime they walk out the door or don't answer their phones, how are we supposed to think anything else. So ofcoarse the relationship is in constint hell. They for some reason can't understand why we can't stop accusding or questioning, in my eyes if you screwed up you should fess up, even if that means answering questions honestly for 10yrs. they caused it to begin with.

 

After trust is broken it is very hard to ever trust again, we are going to counselling now for that very thing, but things arent really getting better.

 

I too if I had knowing what I know now I would have run, he cheated after our son was born so I've just tried so hard to make it work for families sake. I'm just starting to realize me and my son are probably better off alone.

 

Good luck in your situation its a horrible one, why do these "boys" have no feelings for other people?

 

Someone I work with put it really well today he said "J how many **** sandwiches can one person eat in their life" and it's true.

[Becoming]

You are definitely not expecting too much. He is. Two words: lose him. Unless you want to lose your self-respect and dignity. Do you really want your son to grow up thinking it's OK to treat his wife like this.

 

I say change those locks again and don't let him back in this time. You CAN trust yourself.

 

Both you and jhurtinct deserve better. Sorry this has happened to you.