How much excitement/romance etc to realistically expect in marriage?

[Thinkalot]

Lately my husband and I have been discussing our marriage, which is only in its first year (married about 7 months- together for about 4.5 years, and living together most of that time).

 

We feel comfortable and reasonably happy most of the time. We talk openly, we agree on longterm life goals etc and are heading in the same direction, sharing common interests and so on. We support each other in things and are friends.

 

But, we both feel like our marriage seems to lack spark, excitement, romance. It has moments of course, when we both try hard, or organise a weekend trip or something...but on the whole, it doesn't have a great deal...it seems a bit flat. We also dont make love nearly as much as we should. But while we both notice that, and wish there was more sexual excitement, and miss it in that sense, on a physical level, i dont really miss it much. I guess the more you have it, the more you want it?- the less you have it (if you are a woman moreso) the less you want it? My husband certainly is in the mood more than me, and tries to initiate. I wish I was in the mood as often as I used to be!

 

I am not sure how much more to expect from a long term relationship? I dont want to expect too much (as i have in the past) and then be dissapointed, or cause stress, by simply demanding more than is realistic to expect. But at the same time, I dont want to lower my expectations too far, and come to accept something average or less, and neither does my husband.

My husband told me last night that at the moment he is unhappy with how things are (this surprised me, as I have been feeling, well, content, if not overly thrilled, with how things have been).

 

The upside of this slide into a comfortable, non-exciting kind of rut, has been that we have calmed down together, we fight less than we used to, and there is less volatility. We dont have the low lows anymore...but neither do we have the high highs which used to characterise our relationship.

 

I honestly think we have found a sort of middle line, but a line which is sitting too low...I think things need to lift, and so does he. When we both talked last night, we said we didnt want this to be it, for life. That there needs to be more. And like I said above, he told me he is unhappy with the marriage at the moment.

 

How do we get to that place? Just keep trying to do more for each other (gestures, touch, gifts, acts of kindness, quality time together etc), without setting the bar too high? And can anyone else relate? I feel quite down about this today (especially after our talk last night).

[slubberdegullion]

I'd like to share with you a bit of a conversation I had with my grandparents that took place shortly before my first marriage.

 

It started out as just a normal how-do-ya-do sort of thing, but soon enough they began reminiscing about their life together.

 

My grandmother described the courtship and first blush of marriage as a kind of intense fire, burning with passion for each other and feeling like they could take on the world and win. Both their eyes were sparkling as they told the story of how they met, the obstacles they had to overcome, their plans for the future and all the rest.

 

After a few years, they said, the fire dwindled from a blaze of flames to a kind of quiet smoldering. The intensity of their passion had calmed, but in its place was a more reasoned love that was less dependent on physical intimacy than it was about raising their family (2 girls and a boy). In those days, women didn't work outside the home, and my grandfather ran his own business which took up most of his time.

 

Their love didn't diminish, it simply was put in its proper place (proper for them, anyway) amongst the necessities of family and career life.

 

After their children had all left home - 2 to university and one to marriage - the fire returned; not the leaping flames of firey passion, but a more measured and focused intensity.

 

As they reached their elder years, physical intimacy was diminished due to ill health and age, but replacing it was a sense of strengthened extended family ties as grandchildren were born.

 

They told me that the first rush of erotic love was a heady and intense time, but it was replaced in time by something more conscious and meaningful; a decision to love, rather than a feeling of love.

 

That conversation took place over 25 years ago, but I remember it as clearly as I have ever remembered anything.

 

At 81, my grandfather died, but my grandmother, rather than being shattered by the loss of her husband of 52 years, chose to be thankful for the time they had together instead of bitter at his death.

 

They're both gone now, but the family they spawned carries on. That's their legacy, and I think they'd be very pleased with the result.

[Tangerina]

That is such a beautiful sweet story, that is what I want....

[Outcast]

If I'm not mistaken, you married after already being together for several years so I think it's unrealistic to expect the 'spark' and 'excitement' to be there all the time. Relationships ebb and flow and now you're maybe in an ebb.

 

As for 'not wanting sex as much', well that's what a lot of people find after they marry - one or the other partner decides they're not as interested as they used to be. There are books, films, games, etc etc to help people rekindle the bedroom fires - avail yourself of some.

[Hot Coco]

It's so true about the ebb and flow in a relationship but it also DOES apply to the sexual aspect. After 10 1/2 years of marriage I can tell you that there are periods where it's still on fire but there are periods when it's a little ho-hum. That's normal. You can spark it up again. Plan a romantic evening. Try new positions, watch a sexy video...there's a million and one things you could do to spark it up. Use your imagination.

[whichwayisup]

My h and I go through those times too...13 years, well...It's bound to happen. Don't ya just wish we could capture that "intense crush, sexual lust" first felt and bottle it...So when these lulls happen ya crack open the jar abit? Ahh...That would be neat.

 

Right now for us is one of those times...It's okay and I'm happy. So is he. We're talking and hanging out, having fun - But he's been really drained from work and alot of OT, November is an expensive month for both of us, car insurance, house insurance, bills and getting ready for Xmas. I've not been well due to my ovarian cyst in the past 3 weeks so really, the sex hasn't been happening. Some fooling around and cuddling, that's about it. We're both fine with it and actually I told him 2 nights ago, "I can't wait for my sex drive to come back...Watch out!" He loved hearing that and then we fooled around...lol.

 

I find after our lulls, the sex is incredible. I crave it more and want him more. The key is long term...I know he's there in my life forever and the sex is there too...Whether or not a month or two months go by and we're not having alot of sex, I DO know come Spring we're both horndogs and go at it ALOT. There is something about Spring that makes us both frisky.

[Thinkalot]

That was a really sweet story about the grandparents....and insightful.

 

Thanks everyone else. Obviously we've ebbed and flowed before, and done the usual things to change it (ie, the new things in our sex life, more dating again etc)...

i just find it interesting the long term views of how much to routinely expect from marriage in the are of passion/romance/sparkiness. My husband has been married before. He has always maintained that he has never loved another the way he loves me and that he has never had such great sex as he has with me. Although he has admitted, he doesnt ever remember his sex life dropping off us much in his previous marriage, as it does with us now. That hurt.

I guess I'll just put in extra effort and wait for us to hit our flow out of this. And try and figure out where our middle ground will naturally be anyway. I just felt concerned when he expressed his unhappiness. He also put in requests for things he wants me to change ie "nag less, pick less, show more physical affection etc"..so i will try to do those things. He asked me what I would like him to do more of too. So we seem to be communicating at least!

[Hot Coco]

Well, you're doing all the right things. Also, maybe he wants you to initiate it more..that was an issue with us in the past but I do initiate it about half the time now. And don't turn him down too many times. Sometimes I think men don't like to tell you that they want you to initiate it. Not sure about your husband but thought I'd throw that one in there in case that's the case here.

[bab]

Wow Thinkalot--I've been thinking about this question alot lately too. My fiance and I have been together 5 years, and are currently in an ebb. Could be that we are both stressed and busy beyond a reason, but it makes me miss that "newness" feeling. I think it bothers me more than him. I don't have any sage words of advice, just wanted to let you know you aren't alone.

 

Good luck!

[Thinkalot]

thanks for sharing that! Yep, it is easy to miss that whole "new" feeling. I guess we've been living together a long time and it's natural we would have progressed along the path a bit etc...but i suppose before we married we had a lot of ups and downs and things to deal with...it was not smooth sailing, or even great tobe that way (lots of downs and troubles we had to negotiate)..but there was certainly no way it ever got boring, or lacked excitement...it had too much volatility! lol

 

i feel like we are perhaps finding our way now..to a place in the middle. These discussions are a sign we at least care! And I expect it will take pretty much constant fine-tuning and adjusting and effort to keep it in the ideal middle. I feel secure in his love though and in our long term future. Sometimes it surprises me when he says he sometimes feels unappreciated, or unloved by me...it's a wake up call, because i will have simply been assuming he knew how much i love him! but of course, just like me, he needs me to tell him or show him etc. I think being busy and lack of quality time can be a huge factor in getting to a dull ebb. It has certainly been the case for us of late.

 

and also before the wedding...you get so busy and consumed by other things.

[Enema]

This is probably completely irrelevant but I'll share anyway.

 

I started working permanent night-shifts at my job about 3 years ago (around 6 months after i started seeing my now-fiance).

 

I asked to work the night-shifts as I liked the freedom it gave me and the quiet-time. My boss asked me frequently how I was coping as apparently it affects your health. I felt fine.

 

As my relationship with my fiance continued, I noticed that our sex dropped off a lot, but I figured that was normal in longer relationships. What I did think was weird was that it was me turning down sex. My fiance wants it far more than I do, I simply never really in the mood.

 

Recently, to further my career I decided to come off night-shifts and start working days. I'm not sure if it's a phase (has been 5 weeks), but my sex drive has ignited. We've gone from once a week, to once a day (for the last 4 weeks). (and she still wants more)

 

So there you go, no real relevance to your situation, but I thought it was interesting.