Perspective on my brutal toxic breakup? Feel I'm going crazy.

[AlpacaShredz]

So, despite my profession (Psychology), I am struggling with a breakup and the way it ended. Looking for some perspective to try and move forward.

I met this woman at the end of June last year (2023). She being 26 years old and me 34 at the time. Things were (as expected) pretty incredible and she was the first person who I'd had that wow factor for since I was a teenager. She had only had two sexual relationships with her most recent ending allegedly 9-10 months before I met her. They had a house together and she broke up with him twice, the second time for good after 5 years. She had completed the sale of their house in Jan 2023 and brought her own place in May 2023, about 1.5 months before meeting me. She said she he moved on quickly and she asked him if they made the right decision, to which he replied "yes".

There were some warning signs at the start and things I shouldn't have ignored, however, I did push back on them. For example, she was very anticontact (as in no hug hello or goodbye) and 6 dates in I thought it was time to progress a little so rocked a smooth 'what's that on your hand' to put my hand in hers for the rest of our walk. She didn't seem uncomfortable and laughed when I did it, smiling at me, but later messaged me to say that she felt I had forced her to hold my hand and that she couldn't say no as she didnt want to damage my ego. I told her that things were beginning to feel more like a friendship for me, which was why I took the initiative. She really didn't like that and said that we were communicating verbally how we felt toward each other and that should be sufficient. This sent alarm bells ringing in my head, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt and chalked it up to her respecting herself and personal boundaries.

Things eventually progressed and after seeing each other multiple times per-week we ended up in a relationship at the end of 6 weeks of dating, with me asking her out. She presented as this amazing, loving, passionate, intelligent, fitness fanatic, beautiful woman who had her s*** together and liked me for who I was, but, then there would be a wobble and the mask would seem to suddenly slip, but more on that later.

We had an impromptu holiday to Paris the following September (2023) thinking "you only live once, right?" And, despite challenges with tickets and timings and things generally being stressful, we actually had a fantastic time together and we're able to laugh a lot about all the mess ups through my playful humour. Without it she would have been incredibly stressed (I.e. missing trains, missing ticket times, etc.).

As things headed into November, we celebrated her birthday and I maybe went a little overboard with effort. Bought her some thoughtful presents and did a three course meal from scratch, she was appreciative but asked me to take back the earbuds I got her as I was "saving for a house" and she "didn't want me to spend lots of money on her" (they were £60) saying she didnt want to sound unappreciative and thats not what it was and that thoughtful gifts meant so much more to her. On reflection it was considerate but at the time it was like a micro-injury because of the way she said it but I didn't let that show and accepted her opinion warmly.

Come Christmas of 2023, she asked me to move into her house for two weeks, which went so well it ended up being three. We celebrated the new year in fantastic fashion with her colleagues at one of their houses. Again, all going incredibly well. I got on fampusly with her friends and colleagues and we were always able to do our own thing then come together at such events, which she said she really apprecuayed that inwas confident to manage on my own and not be stuck on her side, something her ex could never have done.

From a little before Christmas I was living at hers every weekend at her request and we were gymming together three times per-week (Monday, Wednesday, Friday). I did lots with her family too but she did little with mine, despite them being very welcoming. She did come as my +1 to my brother's wedding in October and that went incredibly well but she was a little reluctant visiting my parents and hesitant to spend too much time there.

I think the beginning of the end and her "checking out" was that her ex would occasionally message her on MS Teams. They worked in the same building for a very big company and crossed paths rarely. They occassionally had to joint work once every year or two, for a day or two at most. When she told me that he had messaged her I communicated calmly that I wasn't keen on it and as it happened more frequently I then shared that my boundary here was that I couldn't accept 'chit chat' but if it was directly related to their joint working then I completely understood. This continued to happen every couple of weeks but it was about the goings on in the work environment and although 'work related' it was 'office chit chat' and again I wasn't enamoured. To be fair she told me every time but struggled to be boundaried with him, as she "didn't want to make things awkward between them again, like they were when they broke up".

There came a final contact shortly after my three week stay at hers, mid January, 2024. She told me he had messaged her again, but this time asking about the cat (they had been together for 5 years, bought a house and lived together for 3 years-ish and had got the cat together a year after they bought their house, which the cat eventually ended up with her). I was calm when she told me but, again, said I wasn't happy about it. Especially when the cat was no longer his and had nothing to do with him anymore. She said she felt he had a right to know because he cared about the cat and we left the conversation there, agreeing to disagree.

Two days later I'm at hers again before we go to the gym and she tells me once back from the workout that there was "a lot more to the conversation than she had initially told me" and proceeded to share that they had laughed and joked, spoken about the gym and his gym buddy being unwell (we occassionally saw him at the same gym as us) and that she felt bad about doing so but didn't tell me two days ago because I "reacted poorly". She says she then shut the conversation down with her ex because she realised things were "too friendly" and it made her feel bad and like she was betraying me. She said she told him the conversation wasn't appropriate as her boyfriend and his girlfriend would not appreciate it - I never understood her saying that I reacted poorly, as I was was very calm when she told me and bent down stroking the cat. I might have had a raised Eyebrow but that was literally it?

Fast forward two days later when we are due to go to the gym again, I had taken some time to reflect on her interraction woth her ex and decided I couldn't accept someone withholding information from me, let alone making excuses to talk to an ex partner frequently and casually. I had talked things through with peers and felt the only way for me to trust her fully was that I either saw these messages or I had to call it a day. In my mind trust had been broken. Well, I sat down with her (shaking with nerves) and rationalised my thinking, laying out why this was a big deal for me and communicating that she would have likely broken up with me already if the situation was reversed, to which she agreed. I then said I felt I had no option but to ask to see the messages or I would have to walk away from the relationship. I communicated that this was not coming from a position of insecurity but from a position of me seeing no way forward from a breach of trust, putside of this, and i'm not going to allow myself to be taken for granted or a muppet again.

Reluctantly she got her laptop out and showed me but had already deleted the messages before i had asked to see them. Her reasoning was that she didnt want to see them or him on her laptop. I decided that I wanted and needed to move forward as there was no way for me to know what was said and for me that was the end of it, putting it behind us.

She struggled throughout our relationship to, in her words, "not be so judgemental". She didn't like the fact that I was 7.5 years older than her, didn't like some of my decisions in ex-partners, wanted to know the ins and outs of those relationships and why (this worsened when it emerged that her cousin knew one of my expartners, who I had a two month relationship with approximately 10 years prior, referring to her as the 'town bike' which i didnt know at the time but according to my now ex I "should have seen it a mile off" - then she was upset about my most recent ex who I had spent 5.5 years with, living together for 1 year, but realised we were not going to get married and go the distance so I sadly brought it to an end, she slammed her into the ground too), she didn't like that I vaped (although I did not do this around her and had intentions to stop), and didn't like that I had asked to see the messages between her and her ex or 'I'd walk' as it made her feel 'like a Criminal'. She later said this gave her "psycho vibes". These issues, particularly my ex partners (most recent ex the most), kept coming up from her side throughout the relationship and I spent a lot of time listening and attempting to explain what she needed me to explain and give her the answers she desperately needed but it never seemed enough and would come up time and time again.

Each time things came up she would be venomous and hurtful to the point where I literally communicated that I didn't recognise who the person was in front of me and asked her where the sweet and kind person who I fell in love with had gone. It was heartbreaking. She would tell me "facts" about my relationships that were simply not true, and say them in such a spiteful and hurtful way. This would come up out of nowhere, from her asking a question about an ex, me answering, and it not being the right answer for her. She would tell me that i didnt love my ex and that all it was was a lay (sex) "any holes a goal for men", belittling my most significant relationship to date and would absolutely not shift from that perspective, even laughing when I would tell her it was cruel, hurtful, and wrong. It brought out a side of me in the end that I am not proud of but made me feel i was going mad and made me verbally reactive, almost to the point of point scoring as i had tried and tried to be understanding and give her the answers she needed. It put me on the backfoot and made me feel i had to constantly defend the person i knew me to be, which wasnt what she portrayed in these moments of viciousnous. Silence didnt work either as she just wouldnt stop. Things could be going incredibly well and then BOOM out of nowhere she has a thought about an ex of mine and her tongue woukd just run away from her and she could be vicious. This was all WAY before i asked to she the messages between her and her ex and worsened as the relationship progressed. She had this absolute black and white world view with glimpses of grey when she could rarely reflect on how badly she had treated me. But it seemed to stem from this idealised value of 'love' that she held to be so integral to her being and absolutely could not accept that anyone would accept anything less.

In the beginning and all the way up to January 2024 she did her best to be reflective. We established that much of her difficulties with picking holes in me/my past and being defensive primarily came from her feeling a need to emotionally protect herself. She was quick to snap and go on the defense with gaslighting being a constant issue. I stood by her and helped her to reflect and we managed to move past issues. I pointed out to her that she was softening over time and that we were arguing less and less. I felt things were becoming more positive and she recognised as such, agreeing with my points and showering me with love for being so understanding.

Moving forward, I felt anxiety communicating when something had hurt or upset me because the gaslighting was intense. It was like there was no way she could accept what I was saying without it being my fault or because of something I had done. She could never just accept that something she had done or said had made me feel awful and any attempt to ask her to understand why was met with viciousness and contempt. I told her that she seemed to be constantly defensive, could never be wrong, never see my side, and cherry picked information to fit her narrative. I asked her to fight the problem with me not to fight each other but it was like she was incapable. Even when communicating with her ex, I tried to show that I understood and said that my ex had messaged me in the past a few times (this was from again about 10 years ago) and I had responded cordially, but when I now looked back I realised that doing so was inappropriate so I understood how this might be difficult for her too (trying tonrelate to her in the present). That also became her ammo and I was then a 'hypocrite' for being upset that she was responding to her ex when I had done exactly the same thing with my ex in the past - this pattern was present throughout most of out relationship and constant toward the end. It left me questioning myself but I ended up pushing back and let her know that whilst I had made mistakes in my past I had NEVER done anything to hurt or upset her, quite the opposite, and that i had learned from my past mistakes, happy with the man I had become. However, to her I was still the hypocrite and in the end apparently all her friends agreed with her too. She told me her parents also thought me asking to shee the messages was controlling, which honestly was likely the nail in the coffin.

I felt the need to constantly state that I was a good man and she would agree that I was but her actions and way of treating me made me question that all the time. It was like I was always the villan... I was always reassuring, always looking for a way to fix the issues, always looking for the helicopter view rather than being stuck in my own perception, always trying to navigate a way through ussues for us both. I never had any complaints with her at all and everything and every issue came from her and primarily were about things i coulsnt change (my previous 10 relationships). I did my best to treat her as well as I would want to be treated and we really did have many moments (the majority) that were pure bliss. I would do DIY in the house, she would be cooking dinner, and we would laugh and make jokes about gender roles. It was funny to us both as neither of us saw ourselves naturally falling that way. Not only that but our chemistry was on point and we were magnitising in bed. We wanted each other all the time and every night throughout the whole relationship, it was electric for us both, and her beliefs about what she thought she was capable of in that respect rapidly changed (if you catch my drift). It was fantastic and certainly the best I've ever experienced as we grew sexually together. Even if we had a blip I navigated us toward a resolution and tried my best to understand her view which, on reflection, was so cleverly warped that i started to lose my own perception and ended up agreeing she also had a point when now looking back she really didn't. Yet, many of our arguments ended with us having to agree to disagree.

I never had anything to complain about to her other than the gaslighting (and eventually the contact with her ex) and even then I navigated us through it as best I could. She admitted her parents had influenced her in the present and that they had had a previous argument where her and her father almost came to blows, both saying things they could never take back after she and her ex broke up, with her moving back in with her parents. She had also fallen out with her brother and turned up on his doorstep after this monumentous argument with her parents, but he only let her stay one night due to, in her words, "comments she had made in front of his friends about how skinny his dog was?" That never made sense to me as i spent a great deal of time with her family and they were all wonderful, especially her parents, and her father was very supportive. However, on reflection, i wonder if her parents were treading on eggshells too, as she told me that "things were said between them that could never be taken back" and that she "had learned that she needed to put distance between her and her parents as they were too involved" (red flag when her parents were clearly very loving toward her?). She also had repeated dreams of her physically fighting with her father, which we ocassionally discussed when she wanted to and was upset.

She presented to me like Jeckle and Hyde. 75% of the time she was exactly what I was looking for then 25% of the time brutal, cold, and cruel and left me questioning my sanity. The gaslighting got to me but I did stand my ground, despite always questioning the ground I stood on. She slammed my most significant relationship telling me it wasn't significant simply because I had "lowered my standards, didn't want to marry her, etc" and couldn't understand why I had invested so much time. I tried to explain time and time again that I had been significantly hurt by the person before my ex (my ex ex who it emerged cheated on me with multiple men, contracted a sti, then made out she couldnt sleep with me due to the ghost of her grandfather watching - a whole different story) and that my most recent ex offered complete safety which was what I needed in that moment, but she could never understand that no matter how many times I explained. There were glimpses of understanding then the next day it was like she was suddenly back to her view and ignoring mine, telling me i was wrong and invalidating my experience.

She had a very 'all or nothing' mentality when it came to relationships and would only date if that person to her seemed outstanding; quite the reassurance for me. However, this very much left me doubting myself when she would be so vicious towards me, after initially putting me up on such a pedestle and then devaluing me over time, from around the 5 month mark. To the point that one night when I was over hers, feeling very unwell (stomach sickness), she had made me a hot water bottle but then proceeded to talk about exs again, berating me for my past choices. I felt it coming and tried to stop her but she couldnt stop herself. It got so bad that I literally asked her to stop a million times over and when she wouldn't I snapped. I told her that I felt like I was going crazy and that I had to go home. She would enforce her opinion upon me when she knew nothing about my relationship and what it was really like, telling me things that were her opinion and adament that those opinins were facts, unwilling to listen to anything I said to the contrary. This was the first time I ever left her to go home, as I just couldn't take the emotional beating anymore, and grinding me and whonibwas into the ground with her cruel fantasy about my character. It was making me feel so much worse when I was already so unwell. I went home.

Another night, i forget if this was before or after the above incident, she was again slamming me for my exs and past relationships, but really focused on my recent ex (the one that was the most significant relationship of my life) things got heated and I again felt entirely attacked. She would always blow up things I had shared about my relationship and make the narrative her own when she wasn't there or in it. So, I tried to give her an example to help her see what she was doing to me... she had previously told me that her ex partner had hurt her during sex (yanking her arms back and pulling her hair back, snapping her neck hard). She said she had told him to stop doing that as he hurt her and he apologised but it kept happening frequently. Of course at the time when she told me I did nothing but offer empathy, understanding, and apologies for her having experienced that (you know, like a normal person would, as it was a horrible thing she was telling me and my heart hurt for her!). She made the excuse for his behaviour saying that he just got carried away and was rough but it didn't sit right with me at all. She kept saying how everything with her ex was so perfect but cherry picking mine apart. So, this night, I desperately wanted her to understand how her enforced gospel invalidating opinions on my personal experiences and relationships felt and why it was difficult for me to accept. So, I explained that if I took her line of thinking, and blew up what she had told me, like she did every vulnerable thing I shared with her, I could be adamant that her ex had raped or sexually abused her and judged her for it again, and again, and again, like she did everything with me. I told her that I could have judged her for remaining with an ex parter who was sexually abusive, but I never did and never would because I was listening to what she said, her perspective, and taking it in so that I could be supportive. I explained that her telling me her awful experience made me want to be there for her not judge her so I couldnt understand why she always did this to me. it beat me down and made me feel progressively worthless. I felt a shell of my former confident, playful, extrovert self by the end of our 8 months together.

This example (above) was EXACTLY what she would put me through weekly and, to me, at the time, I thought this a perfect example fornher to relate to and then understand. I wanted her to get how awful she made me feel and how sad I was all the time because of the cruel things she said. I didn't want to hurt her I just wanted her desperately to understand and stop doing this to me. Anytime I would push back on her opinions on the vulnerable things I told her and say "but it wasn't like that" she would tell me I was wrong. Wrong about my own relationships and experiences? Like she was there and I wasn't. She would belittle my past relationship and tell me I was "just there for a lay and because it was easy" adamant on that, ignoring the fact that I lived with this woman, was with her for 5 years, and at one point was considering marrying her. It was all incredibly hard to swallow but once she started it was like a demon took over and she just absolutely couldn't stop her tongue. She could go on for HOURS and when she did she was vicious. She later told me that she was fixated on my ex partners and struggled to move past them as the fact that I had been with them and now with her "didn't make her feel special" (aka, in her mind I had been with people that she didn't think someone of my caliber should have been, and she said that to me too). Anyway, she raged when I made the comment about her ex (but making similar comments about mine was fine) and told me the next day that she had never been closer to kicking me out.

Moving forward from this and toward the breakup...  January was absolutely fantastic. The new year, as I said, was the best of my life. We were closer than we had ever been. Toward the end of january and after I had moved out of hers again (after the 'trial period' where we lived together for three weeks) we had a couple blips (of a similar nature to the above) but then had two brilliant weekends together (after I has asked to see the messages) before the breakup occurred. We had real quality time doing things and going places together. When we lived together for three weeks we were the ultimate power couple then when I moved out the issues all came back. Early January she had started preparing her parents for her plan to move me in with her the following october-ish, and been very understanding about why i couldn't buy my own house until mid march (results for uni applications for my doctorate), and a while host of other reasons why it made more sense for me to move innwith her instead. Then, Monday night on Feb 12th it all went entirely crap...

We had gone to the gym together as usual and upon leaving she commented on 'a girl with the best body she had ever seen' being in the gym, insisting that she had mentioned her to me before, because I wasn't sure who she was talking about (honestly I didnt have eyes for anyone else, not in the slightest). I instinctively asked if she was referring to the one next to me on the bench in the gym - big mistake as this wasn't who she was talking about. I was accused of looking at this girls backside and she then insinuated that i thought this anonymous girl had a fantastic body. I absolutely didn't do this at all and what I thought was just us having a conversation rapidly became her accusation, blowing up (thisnisnwhat i mean when i said i felt inwas treading on eggshells all the time). This continued when we got back to hers and I flat out denied her accusation. Things escalated where again she was talking about my ex not being a significant relationship and I snapped saying "well if your ex was such a SIGNIFICANT relationship then you would still be with him, wouldn't you?" - She then asked me to leave, got me to give her her key back, and proceeded to change her WhatsApp photo of us both within 15 mins of me leaving, then sending me a message about all the things she couldn't accept about me (a list of five, covered a little later). She said she had some thinking to do and would give me her answer after valentines on Thursday. I had already taken annual leave to do valentines shopping, got balloons, presents, card, flowers, and booked a meal for us both. We had already bought a couples meal deal but i thought we could just have that at the weekend instead and it would be a nice surprise but instead she cancelled on me over what seemed like another regular blow up of hers? I really didn't understand and I had told her that valentines was my favorite day of the year. It felt like a punishment.

I gave her the space she asked for and went no contact for the two days then on Thursday 15th Feb I showed up. She was cold, detached, had eaten our valentines meal deal the day before with her friend, and told me she had "fully checked out". She said she no longer wanted to be in the relationship, that I was a really great guy, but that we were on different wavelengths. She said she needs a partner much closer to her age, someone who doesn't vape, someone who preferably has their own house - despite me waiting on doctorate application results before i know where i can buy and having £30,000 saved, that she couldn't stop these thoughts bubbling up and they had ebbed and flowed for a long time. I asked her if she thought it was brutal that she had eaten our valentines mealdeal and she said no, her justification that she didn't want it to be wasted and that she would ping me the £7.50 (she never did). I told her I had booked a surprise meal out at the restaurant we had considered after walking past it the previous weekend. She told me that this was an issue for her as she knew I would see that as a lovely gesture, but it was like I was saying her plan and the meal deal wasn't good enough, and that she could hear how that sounded unappreciative and mean but she didn't mean it like that, but that she was concerned I should be saving for a house and then that was also more money she didn't want to spend. She said this is what she means when she says she "doesn't like the person she is becoming around me" because she can "hear how she sounds" (that didn't make any sense to me).

I said I wouldn't try to change her mind but that I wanted to share a few things with her. I asked if we could sit down to do so but she refused, saying she had washing up to do and that she could listen to me whilst doing that. She had her back to me the whole time whilst I was sharing how I felt and the difficulties I had experienced in our relationship (in a very calm and controlled way) it felt incredibly dismissive. 

When i finished, she picked up on a few points telling me that she "feels that she convinced herself that she loved me but she doesn't love me and doesn't think she ever did." She thinks she just felt "a hell of a lot for me and if she actually had loved me then it wouldn't be so easy for her to walk away." She had confided in two friends and her parents who had apparently all agreed with her points (her parents opinion means an extortionate amount to her and she is terrified of disappointing them. She told me previously that she had made her ex get his car cleaned when her parents had mentioned in passing that it was dirty  <- This is how much she worried about what they thought). She went on to say that I gave her 'psycho vibes' 'forcing' her to show me the messages (the ones she had deleted that were not available to be seen between her and her ex on MSTeams) and then listed the things about me which in not so many words were her saying she could do better. She went on to say that she doesn't think she did anything wrong talking to her ex, that I was a hypocrit for having an opinion on it (because 10 years ago I responded to an ex 6 times) and that she had been completely transparent with me (despite withholding information when she had the opportunity to tell me and deleting the messages anyway). So, in her words, I think she F-ed up and she doesn't think she did at all and "that will never change". She informed me that she had cancelled my birthday the following week too, refunding all she could (airB&B), and had cancelled a meal on my birthday that she had organised as a suprise with my family without notifying any of them , despite them all making plans to attend (thankfully I was able to rebook). She gave me the tickets she had bought for us to go to Harry Potter Studios and said she wanted me to go with someone else because it was "the least she could do after all the lovely things I had done for her and treated her so well", but I later found out she couldn't refund them which is probably why she did it (really felt like charity), and then basically said she no longer wanted me to be at the same gym as it would just be awkward, pressing and pressing about me changing gym to which I replied I needed a little time to figure out what I was doing as whilst she had had a few days/weeks thinking about the breakup and I had only just found out. I told her I would likely change my membership so I could go at different times but then later decided against this as felt I shouldn't have to pay more to meet her demands and didnt care if she was there too.

The whole breakup was emotionless on her part, cold, switched off, and heartbreaking for me but I refused to show it and accepted that her decision was final. I tired to explain that my ex before her had been my best friend and I feel that is partly where her and I went wrong. I felt she never tried to be my best friend and felt she always treated me with love and then sudden contempt, almost a hatred that i never could explain. She then told me that maybe I should try to rekindle something with my ex (after slamming her so much... it made me feel worthless). It was very apparent that she didnt like me saying that my ex had been my best friend. She then said that she knew what that was like because she had said to her ex "I'm your best friend right?" To which he replied "Well... 'anonomous' is my best friend but yes you're my BEST friend." 

I also explained that i think the reason her and her ex lasted so long (as she would pick holes in his one ex partner and his choice to be with her when she thought she was scum and below him too) was because he would get angry and walk away, shower, and then come to apologise to her for getting angry  so he could have an easy life. I told her I would never do that and always stand up for what I believed in whilst trying to see the other person's view but that I wouldn't ever tolerate my character being brought into question when I'm one of the most highly empathetic people going (I know this as I've done a psychometric assessment ans score in the top 1% of scores on this test). She also told me she didn't want to break up with me on valentines because she "had more heart than that" (lol) and I just thought that so ironic, given how she went about it and how she treated me, and now feel it was so she didn't have to say she ended it on that day so she didnt come out looking bad. Anyway, there is more, but suffice to say it was brutal. She had already packed up many of my things and I got everything out.

She mentioned I had got 'too comfortable' in her home when only two weeks before she was asking me if her house felt like my home and very pleased when I said 'yes, a home from home'. She had also written me a valentines card about 4-5 days before the breakup, saying that she loved me, thanking me for all I had done for her, and the whole 'hopefully forever' 'can't wait to make more memories' rubbish... urgh... anyway, we are nearly there...   So, this face-to-face breakup happened on the Thursday (15th Feb 2024) and both went to the gym after. No words were said. Then the following Monday (20th Feb) I left it until 8:45pm (we used to go together a 8pm) in order to give her space, knowing she leaves at 9pm. This was mainly because i had work the next day and didnt want to go too late but our memberships only allow us to go between certain hours.

Within two minutes of me arriving she stormed up to me and said "Are you here just to piss me off!?" Which shocked me but I immediately denied, but she was having none of it. When i saw her coming over I actually thought she was gping to apologise for how she had been so cold and siscarded me so brutally but no, this was quite the opposite. She must have repeated this a few times before stomping off, asking me why I was there. I continued with my workout.

She then stormed up to me a second time, full of hatred in her eyes. I asked her to go away, telling her that it was over, and that we didn't need to talk to each other. It absolutely broke me but I held stoic and firm, until she said "maybe you should piss off back to your ex"... which hurt after how much she had slammed her again and again throughout our relationship... i reactively said "maybe you should go back to yours". I was in disbelief that this person who I loved so much was full of utter venom and hatred and she even told me on the breakup that she knew it was all her issue with things about me that she couldn't get past after trying to tell herself not to be so judgemental and failing, consequently she felt we were not compatible.

She then came up a third time and said "I just want to ask you one more question" - I had no time for this now and I was far too hurt - I told her the way she had treated me was awful, that i didnt deaerve any of it, and that she was a venomous, narcissistic b**** and I wanted her to leave me alone. She kept saying "No, one more question, one more question, one more question" and I kept telling her to "Just f*ck off" passing off my pain with sarcastic facial expression and mocking laughter. I was in so much pain but couldnt bare to show her after everything she had done and said, especially now. Then, when I wasn't reacting the way she wanted, she said "Well, just so you know my ex (insert name of the guy she had been messaging on MSteams and had the 5 year relationship with) was better in bed than you anyway" and stormed off with a smile on her face. The guy that was sexually abusive. That guy. Okay...

I had to walk past her to then go upstairs after finishing my last set and she flipped me off, which I returned in kind and then I said something I'm not proud of... I approached her and said "you know what, it makes sense that you think he's better in bed, as we all know you love to be abused..." she tried to say something back as I was walking off but I just laughed and said "LOVES TO BE ABUSEEED"... I went upstairs into the gym toilet, sat down shaking and don't know how I held back the tears. Im embarrassed to say but a 90kg guy who has worked out for 10 years consistently, hunched over trying to hold himself together because of a 5ft nothing 64kg woman must have looked hilarious to any fly on the wall. I was in shock more than anything and even now, two weeks later, I'm tearing up inside. I'm trying to move past this but I cannot understand how someone who thought I was so perfect, told me as such, tried on WEDDING DRESSES with me there not one month before the breakup, and prepped her parents for asking me to move in then suddenly hard blocks me on everything the night she breaks up with me (before the confrontation in the gym), tells me she never loved me and it was easy to walk away, then is angry at me for being at the gym because she had told me I needed to leave...  I always felt that I was treading on eggshells and didn't know when the next thing i said might blow things up but now I'm left thinking that I was led down the garden path. I feel this person never loved me but then question why she fought against the things she didn't like from my past and my age so hard to then throw it all in my face and rage at me in the gym. How can anyone be so cold and 'checkout' like this and why the hell put me through 8 months of it when you knew all your "deal breakers" about me not two months in???

I feel the beginning of the true end was when I put a boundary in place and said I needed to see what was said between her and her ex to move forward or I had to walk away. I had NEVER done anything like that the entire time we were together and i think she hated that she complied. She said she showed me because she didn't want me to leave but then later I'm a 'psycho'? I'm not sure what to believe anymore and it's left me doubting myself hard. She said she would never say a bad word about me as I was/am an amazing person but then why rage at me in the gym like that? All i ever did was reassure, support, and love her dearly. I told her many times that my love was not conditional and even if she pissed me off I didnt skip a beat. Ibwas consistent and solid throughout.

I just need some perspective to help me get through this. I can't see anyway back nor am I sure I want it and she was nothing but cold from the moment of the breakup. She wanted to discard me as quickly and fully as possible and I have no idea what happened. I feel awful fkr what i said reactively to her in the gym as its just not me at all. She brought the worst out in me in that moment. I'm sure I'm now public enemy number 1 to her family and all her friends but I'm the one here hurting when all of a sudden she doesn't give a dam. I queried whether she was very high functioning autistic from the start of our relationship but that doesn't make someone vicious, so now I'm also left questioning whether there is some narcissism sprinkled in there too? I've always been a strong individual and have been through difficult times before but, for some reason, this 8 month relationship seems to be playing with me more than anything I've been through before and I don't know why. Can someone offer some insight and tell me I'm not going mad?

I know this has been an immense post and I thank anyone and everyone who reads, and even more so if you help a guy have some insight. Christ knows how but she's really done a number on me. I've been no contact for a total of 14 days, but crossed paths without saying a word to her once in the gym last Friday. I'm changing gyms tomorrow.

Edited March 5 by AlpacaShredz
New topic title

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. You're doing the right thing avoiding her and staying no contact. It seems the relationship was way too much way too soon and based on intensity more than intimacy.

It also seems like there was an inordinate amount of unresolved baggage from both your pasts.

She was on the rebound and seemed to have a lot of unfinished business with her ex and possibly second thoughts about reconciliation.

You dodged a bullet if she called you "a psycho". Set yourself completely free, sever all ties and delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps 

[AlpacaShredz]

32 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. You're doing the right thing avoiding her and staying no contact. It seems the relationship was way too much way too soon and based on intensity more than intimacy.

It also seems like there was an inordinate amount of unresolved baggage from both your pasts.

She was on the rebound and seemed to have a lot of unfinished business with her ex and possibly second thoughts about reconciliation.

You dodged a bullet if she called you "a psycho". Set yourself completely free, sever all ties and delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps 

Thanks for your reply Wiseman and I appreciate your condolences. It was intense but a slow burn initially as she really took her time to open up. She idolised me and I fell into the shared fantasy trap I guess. We had a hell of a l ot of intimacy but seems in the end lacked compatability as she couldnt get past "my past", "my age" and all the other things that kept cropping up.

I told her I thought she wasn't over her ex but she adamantly refuted that and said she wanted nothing to do with him. She was incredibly headstrong so part of me believes her, otherwise she would have made efforts to be with him but then I also wonder if her arrogance at his initial rejection of her after the breakup would stop her doing so. I do feel incredibly sorry for the guy having put up with this sort of treatment for 5 years, no less. Can't begin to imagine it and I realise that her standards and what she is looking for in a partner are simply not obtainable.

I am gradually breaking down that misplaced hope and going no contact. I'm not the sort to play games and know my self worth. I'm the sort of guy that if you leave me it's your loss but I think the grief I feel is for how much she has lost and I doubt she will ever see it.

Thanks again, I really mean it.

Edited March 5 by AlpacaShredz
additional info

[Weezy1973]

Stay no contact. Do some research on Borderline Personality Disorder with particular regard to the concept of “splitting”. And despite this short term pain, be thankful it’s over.

[AlpacaShredz]

9 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Stay no contact. Do some research on Borderline Personality Disorder with particular regard to the concept of “splitting”. And despite this short term pain, be thankful it’s over.

I diagnose these sorts of disorders in my job and if anything she's much much closer to Narcissistic Personality Disorder but I don't think we diagnose that anymore in the UK. She sits much more closely to undiagnosed very high functioning autism with narcissistic traits, the latter of which is very similar to BPD but with a few marked differences. Reassurance from me was effective for her until it wasn't and I couldn't move her past the "I want to breakup" by redirecting like you likely could with BPD, even if I had wanted to try.

I really appreciate your insight into this and your conclusions about no contact and being thankful it's over are spot on. I think the thankfulness will come with time but for now it's still a little raw.

I'll look into splitting now as I've never heard of it before and it's definitely relevant to my work.

Edit: I read into it and this 'splitting' was a trait of hers and it was exhausting for the both of us. However, she did have periods of reflection and apologise for the way she treated me, not always but sometimes. The issue is that she had a very loving and supportive home and not trauma to indicated BPD. However, she did have a high amount of parental expectation placed upon her and always felt the need to be perfect (which is where those insecurities about her parents view pn her, her life, her decisions, her partner, etc.) Come into play, hence my summizing that this may be more likely NPD than BPD. Thoughts?

Edited March 6 by AlpacaShredz
additional info

[Alpacalia]

Well she basically responds and is consistent based on prompts. Example: You get along and then she gets weird and cold or distant. You bop her in the nose metaphorically.

She seems exclusively secure with dismissive tendencies and does not like you seeing her vulnerability, so deflects with attacks. 

She gaslighted in the relationship, but in most of your lengthy post you do the same trick by flattering her in a way so that you can continue to degrade her.

It's a pretense because none of these things are what's important.

What's important is she was never available for the relationship, not a healthy partner for you.

Edited March 6 by Alpacalia

[AlpacaShredz]

5 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Well she basically responds and is consistent based on prompts. Example: You get along and then she gets weird and cold or distant. You bop her in the nose metaphorically.

She seems exclusively secure with dismissive tendencies and does not like you seeing her vulnerability, so deflects with attacks. 

She gaslighted in the relationship, but in most of your lengthy post you do the same trick by flattering her in a way so that you can continue to degrade her.

It's a pretense because none of these things are what's important.

What's important is she was never available for the relationship, not a healthy partner for you.

That's an interesting perspective and one I hadn't considered. She appreciated my masculinity and allowed her femininity through saying she valued that but then suddenly would fight against it. Felt that she was fighting herself and looking for reasons to devalue the relationship often and throughout with me reassuring when I should have taken more of an"yes that happened but I'm satisfied with my decisions". I very authenticly was that person at the start and told her as such, that I don't regret anything from my past and I maintain that today bit I feel the gaslighting got to me and made me question my whole self-image.

I'm not sure how I degraded her though, I was incredibly supportive and did quite the opposite throughout the relationship, it was only at the very end after the discard in the gym that I stood firm and could be considered degrading toward her, or am I not understanding what you mean?

[Alpacalia]

7 minutes ago, AlpacaShredz said:

That's an interesting perspective and one I hadn't considered. She appreciated my masculinity and allowed her femininity through saying she valued that but then suddenly would fight against it. Felt that she was fighting herself and looking for reasons to devalue the relationship often and throughout with me reassuring when I should have taken more of an"yes that happened but I'm satisfied with my decisions". I very authenticly was that person at the start and told her as such, that I don't regret anything from my past and I maintain that today bit I feel the gaslighting got to me and made me question my whole self-image.

I'm not sure how I degraded her though, I was incredibly supportive and did quite the opposite throughout the relationship, it was only at the very end after the discard in the gym that I stood firm and could be considered degrading toward her, or am I not understanding what you mean?

I was referring to some of the comments, which albeit were in the heat of the moment, and some of the things said at the gym - e.g. accusing her of loving to be abused - are pretty degrading, and while I understand you were hurt and angry in the moment, I see patterns of resentment building if she feels like you are criticizing her, as well as feelings of resentment from you if she reacts harshly. She the "avoidant person" as if that would explain everything. And indeed it does explain quite a lot - she may need more space and understanding, while you need more empathy and reassurance, both which can be challenging to satisfy completely. 

The best advice I can give you is to try and find peace with the end of the relationship. It's clear from your post and your discussions with her that you were unable to resolve your incompatibilities, and the further aftermath of angry comments and hurtful behavior just add salt to the wounds.

She may have loved you at moments, then had misgivings, then became resentful and closed off. While you're angry and disappointed in her and her behavior, and are trying to make sense of it to rationalize control of your emotional state. There's really no easy way to explain it, and if you go into the details of why things happened you'll just keep finding yourselves in circles and continuing arguments. 

[Wiseman2]

It's seems like a quite intense 8 months of extreme rollercoaster chaos and conflicts. Please avoid labels and diagnoses.

They just hinder insight by taking the no responsibility stance of "see.... they're crazy". Everyone's ex these days has some sort of cluster B personality disorder. Does that even make sense? 

There are two quite interesting aspects here to heed. One is along the lines of too much too soon and it ending shortly after she told you that camping out at her house was problematic.

The other is that although she was on the rebound and still talking to the ex, you took a controlling stance toward that, especially rifling through her devices making her prove something.

So understandably camping out at her place and policing her devices precipitated the breakup. 

She's gone so please don't waste time on real or imagined mental problems. The only path forward to healing is insight into your role so you can avoid this type of thing in the future.  You're the only person you can change. 

Edited March 6 by Wiseman2

[AlpacaShredz]

18 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I was referring to some of the comments, which albeit were in the heat of the moment, and some of the things said at the gym - e.g. accusing her of loving to be abused - are pretty degrading, and while I understand you were hurt and angry in the moment, I see patterns of resentment building if she feels like you are criticizing her, as well as feelings of resentment from you if she reacts harshly. She the "avoidant person" as if that would explain everything. And indeed it does explain quite a lot - she may need more space and understanding, while you need more empathy and reassurance, both which can be challenging to satisfy completely. 

The best advice I can give you is to try and find peace with the end of the relationship. It's clear from your post and your discussions with her that you were unable to resolve your incompatibilities, and the further aftermath of angry comments and hurtful behavior just add salt to the wounds.

She may have loved you at moments, then had misgivings, then became resentful and closed off. While you're angry and disappointed in her and her behavior, and are trying to make sense of it to rationalize control of your emotional state. There's really no easy way to explain it, and if you go into the details of why things happened you'll just keep finding yourselves in circles and continuing arguments. 

I'm with you on all of your reply and thank you for it. I have spent a good deal of time reflecting upon where things went wrong and I honestly couldn't have been more understanding or empathetic, anything more was beyond my capability. I think the times I snapped during the relationship (twice) were after hours of trying to help her reach a conclusion and berating me, telling me how things were about my life and choices and telling me them as facts. It was pretty abusive on the whole and I recognise that my emotional reactions came at tipping point, but they were always reactions. I never initiated any arguments which left me feeling exasperated. She had little ability to empathise. I'm not proud of those two occasions that i snapped but after the torrent of emotional abuse, what happened in the gym was inevitable. I was sick of being spoken to like dirt and constanly expected to comply. I'm moving forward and resolute in doing so and I've definitely refined what it is I need from a relationship going forward and I hope she now does that too. 🙏

[AlpacaShredz]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's seems like a quite intense 8 months of extreme rollercoaster chaos and conflicts. Please avoid labels and diagnoses.

They just hinder insight by taking the no responsibility stance of "see.... they're crazy". Everyone's ex these days has some sort of cluster B personality disorder. Does that even make sense? 

There are two quite interesting aspects here to heed. One is along the lines of too much too soon and it ending shortly after she told you that camping out at her house was problematic.

The other is that although she was on the rebound and still talking to the ex, you took a controlling stance toward that, especially rifling through her devices making her prove something.

So understandably camping out at her place and policing her devices precipitated the breakup. 

She's gone so please don't waste time on real or imagined mental problems. The only path forward to healing is insight into your role so you can avoid this type of thing in the future.  You're the only person you can change. 

I'm certainly not trying to minimise my part in this and wouldn't want to do so but I feel I must say that she wanted me living with her every weekend and I agreed, going as far as to be frustrated if I took a day out to help friends or family as that was "our time". In hindsight, I should have walked away rather than asking to see what was said in the messages. It was over for me then and I shouldn't have continued to try and be a fixer and find a way forward that worked for me. Thank you again for your response. This does all help as I am trying to be reflective and appreciate the insight from others not involved. I recognise that it's easy to be swept away with the opinions of those who are closest to you so have posted here for exactly this.

[Lotsgoingon]

 

Don't feel bad about being a psychologist. Being able to help others can be far easier than applying wisdom to our own lives. That goes for pretty much every profession. I’m a teacher and when I started taking classes years ago, OMG, I found myself getting so anxious.

You ran through a major red flag. And the additional red flag and the additional. I have some sympathy for you. I had an ex who showed signs of borderline personality. The lesson I ultimately learned is that I needed to have some real standards and self respect when I dated people. Sorry to say, it’s time for you, my brother, to set some standards and interact with some self respect.

Example:

There were some warning signs at the start and things I shouldn't have ignored, however, I did push back on them.

Hold on! Push back on a red flag? What are you talking about? You don't push back on red flags. Your entire framework of thinking here is wrong. And not a little wrong. I’m talking galaxy-size wrong. You identify the red flag because it’s a sign of trouble, like a troubled person (in this case) or just trouble in the sense that the person isn’t going to be a good fit for you.

No contact for six weeks. I'm sorry, what planet are you on that no-contact for six weeks is a reasonable position for a potential love partner? That screams abusive history or some type of people or touching phobia. Screams it. There are probably aliens who would have run from this woman. I'm going to be blunt. Don't mean to hurt you. I was in your boat. I really was.

It was spectacularly foolish to keep going through the no contact. And it was spectacularly delusional to persist and to sneak in hand-holding. Sneaking in hand holding with a person who is adamantly uncomfortable with it makes about as much sense as hanging out with killers and then sneakily bringing them into a funeral to try to change their minds about killing people.

Afterwards, she told you she was uncomfortable, that's like a third red flag. Game over!  Say goodbye. You have all the information you need that this person is troubled, deeply so.

You have got some inner work to do pay attention to red flags. You got some boundary stuff going on--why didn't you run at six weeks? Can’t tell if you’re a therapist or not, but if so, you don’t date in order to help people grow. I can't even give someone a hug on a first date?--I'm outta there. And wouldn’t rethink the matter one bit.

And I’m sorry: the fact that you went so deep with someone so troubled indicates you have some deep vulnerabilities as well. I had troubles and worked on them. Time for you to do some serious work or you’ll date another person exactly like this one.

 

 

[AlpacaShredz]

8 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

 

Don't feel bad about being a psychologist. Being able to help others can be far easier than applying wisdom to our own lives. That goes for pretty much every profession. I’m a teacher and when I started taking classes years ago, OMG, I found myself getting so anxious.

You ran through a major red flag. And the additional red flag and the additional. I have some sympathy for you. I had an ex who showed signs of borderline personality. The lesson I ultimately learned is that I needed to have some real standards and self respect when I dated people. Sorry to say, it’s time for you, my brother, to set some standards and interact with some self respect.

Example:

There were some warning signs at the start and things I shouldn't have ignored, however, I did push back on them.

Hold on! Push back on a red flag? What are you talking about? You don't push back on red flags. Your entire framework of thinking here is wrong. And not a little wrong. I’m talking galaxy-size wrong. You identify the red flag because it’s a sign of trouble, like a troubled person (in this case) or just trouble in the sense that the person isn’t going to be a good fit for you.

No contact for six weeks. I'm sorry, what planet are you on that no-contact for six weeks is a reasonable position for a potential love partner? That screams abusive history or some type of people or touching phobia. Screams it. There are probably aliens who would have run from this woman. I'm going to be blunt. Don't mean to hurt you. I was in your boat. I really was.

It was spectacularly foolish to keep going through the no contact. And it was spectacularly delusional to persist and to sneak in hand-holding. Sneaking in hand holding with a person who is adamantly uncomfortable with it makes about as much sense as hanging out with killers and then sneakily bringing them into a funeral to try to change their minds about killing people.

Afterwards, she told you she was uncomfortable, that's like a third red flag. Game over!  Say goodbye. You have all the information you need that this person is troubled, deeply so.

You have got some inner work to do pay attention to red flags. You got some boundary stuff going on--why didn't you run at six weeks? Can’t tell if you’re a therapist or not, but if so, you don’t date in order to help people grow. I can't even give someone a hug on a first date?--I'm outta there. And wouldn’t rethink the matter one bit.

And I’m sorry: the fact that you went so deep with someone so troubled indicates you have some deep vulnerabilities as well. I had troubles and worked on them. Time for you to do some serious work or you’ll date another person exactly like this one.

 

 

Just for clarity. I hould say that date 6 was about 11 days after meeting and not 6 weeks. It was about 11 days of talking and 6 dates that I took her hand. Initially she told me she doesn't do physical contact with strangers and she was still getting to know me. I thought 6 dates was enough to progress to holding hands on a walk, she didn't.

I take your point entirely. In the end, whether she was troubled or not, whether I had insecurities or not, we really were not right for each other and at the moment I am lamenting the loss. Im gradually reframing my thinking and allowing myself to grieve. I invested way too much too soon and got swept away in her narrative. I won't allow myself to do that again and will take what I can from this going forward. Thank you for your input.

Edited March 6 by AlpacaShredz
spelling

[d0nnivain]

You are not going mad.  She turned into an awful person (showed her true colors)  & it's  a good thing you are not together anymore.  Stay NC.  You will heal in time.  

Edited March 6 by d0nnivain

[mark clemson]

I actually didn't read your original post. Judging purely from the title AND the VERY large amount of text there it seems likely to me there was substantial dysfunction and drama.

They say broken attracts broken - to address not only your own emotional recovery, but also perhaps an unconscious tendency to be attracted to "explosive" high drama/dysfunctional women and/or abusers, the best course would probably be therapy with an experienced therapist who specializes in trauma AND who is good with relationships. (From what I understand, a lot of them will indicate multiple specialties.)

So, if therapy is feasible for you, it'll probably be of the most help...

[BreakOnThrough]

She lost respect for you and projected her shady behavior on to you.  Move on and and be thankful it's over.