Game of Love - with a Narcissist

[cynicalnlove]

Why is it that love must always be associated with games? When you're in love with one another, should'nt it be easy? Should the games be left to the ones who are confused? Why do our exes contact us for some odd reason if its not to get back together. Why still want to have some control over your ex who you broke up with for some reason. If you care about the person whom you broke up with, why not make it easier for them by not playing games and not calling or sending messages and playing with their emotions.

 

I apologize in advance if this thread is going to be a long one. Thanks [B]JohnJohn for having me realize that my ex who i was hopelessly in love with is a narcissist and the many control games that he plays to toy with my emotion.[/b]

 

 

I met this guy nearly two years ago, and like all men he was so sincere and a great listener. Now I realize my mistake. He was so patient and spent those few weeks while i reluctantly give information of myself and my type of personality, what i was looking for in a romantic partnership, what my hobbies and philosophy was in life. Because he was such an observer, almost to the point of studying my every move, every word. Slowly, he had made his kill. He adapted all of my traits. And here I was thinking, wow! I met the right one. He's so patient and so kind and he wanted to learn about everything that had interested me. For instance if I liked skateboarding, he would take up lessons so that he may join the activities with me. I fell in love because I thought he had tried so hard to win my heart (and I test a lot of men before i would actually give my trust, due to my cheating exes). I thought he was the one so I gave in easily because I had never met anyone like him. He made himself to appear special, that I was special to him.

 

Time passed about 6 months later, his true personality began to show after he knew I was hopelessly in love with him. He became un-interested in anything that i had to do and uninterested in talking to me and played with my trust. We were dating, yet he would ignore my phone calls and would not return mine. If i had called more than 2 times a day, he would accuse me of being insecure and a smothering girlfriend. Ok, so I backed off, and the result was still the same. Although I was painful for me to break it off, I did it because I couldn't handle the thought that there was someone else and by the course of actions of ignoring me and to leave me hanging on a daily basis proved it. He would ignore my calls even when there were things planned for that day. If there was something important for me to talk to him he wouldn't call back, only like days after. This isn't a relationship, this is a chase from my side and i didn't like it. So i broke it off with him and he was pissed off at me accusing me of all sorts of things. I try to be understanding, wondering if there was something important that was going on in his life that he didn't want to share. So I broke it off with him, with a nice clean break. He comes out swearing at me, basically accused me of being crazy and paranoid. How could I not, he wouldn't answer me back ever, so this is what i thought he wanted. Short after, i thought i made a mistake. He made me think about me, i asked myself "maybe he was right. maybe my past had played a part in my insecurities, just maybe..." so i try to work things out, wondering what is it that we could fix to get pass this. How could i help him get over his pathetic life, so that we could be happy? He pulls the NC game - and i became frustrated. Perfect strategy on his part.

 

About 6 months later, i saw him again. He calls later apologizing for the behaviors in the past and that he's "changed." That he is sorry for all the horrible accusations, that he wants to try again. I was understanding, not knowing that this narcissist mistakes was going to be repeated. The first couple of weeks was like how it was when we first met. Carried on conversation, and making me fall in love with him all over again. Well about 5 months later. It continues to be the same thing. He's physically average but to everyone's point of view, i was above his league. We broke it off, and for the first time, I'm now doing the NC.

 

So after reading through the many threads that have started, I'm glad that I am now realizing that he wanted to emotionally blackmailed me into wanting me to be with him, so that he may control me if he had pulled back. He is extremely charming, cunning and manipulative. I like to think that I am attractive due to the many glances and admiration from the opposite sex, and have a high self esteem. After meeting him, he managed to verbally abuse me. He would say something like, those men look at you because you look like someone they just want to sleep with. Then he would turn around to say something nice like, you're amazing and beautiful. He played with my confidence so that i may only want to be with him. The funny thing is, I'm glad we broke it off for good this time around, although his many attempts to get me upset. like all break ups, i do miss the laughters, the good times, but the things he's put me though, outwieghs the good. There are times that i have the urge to break the NC, but it would come out to be the same thing. He would never change, and if i had stayed I would turn into someone i would not like to be. I hope a lot of you realize this too, that sometimes the person who we are in love with could not benefit you, and you did break up for a good reason.

[Outcast]

I just can't read that whole thing. Only wanted to say that it's not necessarily 'games' but that you've taken up with someone who has issues - as you seem to realize. They manage lives the best way they can given they only see it through the filter of their issues.

 

So what you need to do is develop a better knowledge of issues and how to spot them in people before they suck you into their influence.

[cynicalnlove]

I just can't read that whole thing. Only wanted to say that it's not necessarily 'games' but that you've taken up with someone who has issues - as you seem to realize. They manage lives the best way they can given they only see it through the filter of their issues.

 

So what you need to do is develop a better knowledge of issues and how to spot them in people before they suck you into their influence.

 

 

So if they don't appear to be until like 2-3 months after, how could you be able to tell? what are the tell tale signs that these people seem to have issues?

[ReluctantRomeo]

So what you need to do is develop a better knowledge of issues and how to spot them in people before they suck you into their influence.

 

Would be great to have a good list... got any references?

[In Sync]

My ex was a Narcissist. Hard-core. Would he ever think of himself as one, probably not but they are people with extreme Personality Disorders. Narcissists and relationships with them have been discussed extensively on this forum.

After everything I've read and experienced, my view is this. They are dangerous to your entire being. They are literally like trying too playing with gasoline and matches. Once you are involved with one, your belief in yourself, your self-esteem is greatly damaged. AND the worst part is, you feel like you are going through this nightmare alone..no one will believe it, the way they talk to you and treat you. The person standing on the outside says, why did you stick around, because it's the same way of being brainwashed..you don't realize what is happening to you at the time. You are basing your relationship at the beginning on the person who was charming and loving at the start...you are in denial as that person disappears and behaves radically different in the form of coldness, distancing and other hostile actions towards you.

 

Once removed from the relationship either by walking away from it or the Narcissist pulling the rug from under you..it's like realizing your entire system (mentally and emotionally) has been consumed by a deadly toxin. POISON.

Some poisons will take a very long time to get out of your system and always a residue is left behind.

How do you know from the beginning, impossible to detect.I say. Only people who have dealt with them will pick up the signs, because the charm and appeal the N's exude to the unsuspecting others is perfect bait for N's.

[cynicalnlove]

My ex was a Narcissist. Hard-core. Would he ever think of himself as one, probably not but they are people with extreme Personality Disorders. Narcissists and relationships with them have been discussed extensively on this forum.

After everything I've read and experienced, my view is this. They are dangerous to your entire being. They are literally like trying too playing with gasoline and matches. Once you are involved with one, your belief in yourself, your self-esteem is greatly damaged. AND the worst part is, you feel like you are going through this nightmare alone..no one will believe it, the way they talk to you and treat you. The person standing on the outside says, why did you stick around, because it's the same way of being brainwashed..you don't realize what is happening to you at the time. You are basing your relationship at the beginning on the person who was charming and loving at the start...you are in denial as that person disappears and behaves radically different in the form of coldness, distancing and other hostile actions towards you.

 

Once removed from the relationship either by walking away from it or the Narcissist pulling the rug from under you..it's like realizing your entire system (mentally and emotionally) has been consumed by a deadly toxin. POISON.

Some poisons will take a very long time to get out of your system and always a residue is left behind.

How do you know from the beginning, impossible to detect.I say. Only people who have dealt with them will pick up the signs, because the charm and appeal the N's exude to the unsuspecting others is perfect bait for N's.

 

Agree completely. He played the "poor me" symptoms so well that I was beginning to feel sorry for him after the "in love" stage. That I wanted to make him happy, because deep down I knew he wasn't that horrible narcissist. I had still clung to the beginning charming nice guy stage I guess. I told myself, that he's not like this. I knew him from before, he's not like this. But still he had continued on, and I still couldn't believe someone like me had let someone knock down my confidence as much as he did. And the thing is, he did so well. It was slow at first, then it had became harder.

 

Yes, everyone viewed on the outside. "just forget about him" but it was really hard to do it because I had felt like he was the victim to my 'evilness. But come to think of it, I was nothing but nice to him. He had always made it seem like everything that went wrong was my mistake. All classic symptoms of a narcissistic.

[In Sync]

But come to think of it, I was nothing but nice to him. He had always made it seem like everything that went wrong was my mistake. All classic symptoms of a narcissistic.

 

I was totally twisting myself to be nicer more loving agreeable, anything not to be the cause of upsetting or triggering his rage. I had come todeny my own feelings because any display of hurt emotions was labeled by him as "whacko" "psycho-" "oh here we go you're going to be whack-job now"

I was always the enemy. I was the at fault. I get upset thinking how he was great at doing this mind bending game. I know truthfully that like any abusive/ and addictive relationship I have a long road to recover.

I do honestly wonder though will he behave like this to others or was it just me that got his wrath?

[cynicalnlove]

I was totally twisting myself to be nicer more loving agreeable, anything not to be the cause of upsetting or triggering his rage. I had come todeny my own feelings because any display of hurt emotions was labeled by him as "whacko" "psycho-" "oh here we go you're going to be whack-job now"

I was always the enemy. I was the at fault. I get upset thinking how he was great at doing this mind bending game. I know truthfully that like any abusive/ and addictive relationship I have a long road to recover.

I do honestly wonder though will he behave like this to others or was it just me that got his wrath?

 

 

Exactly. He managed to twist things so that i would feel guilty about things. That during this whole time, i manage to think that he was some extremely brilliant guy because he was so well spoken, he was so insightful. I would always make excuses for his behavior. only when i noticed my folly.

[JohnJohn]

I do honestly wonder though will he behave like this to others or was it just me that got his wrath?

 

If he is a true Narcissist, then he will do it to others. Have no doubt about that. Try not to worry too much about what he is doing or will do and concentrate on your recovery.

 

He played the "poor me" symptoms so well that I was beginning to feel sorry for him after the "in love" stage.

 

This is typical of emotional abuse and is calculated in advance, which is what makes these people so dangerous. They are looking for absolution in advance and are trying to hook you in by having you feel sorry for them. That way later on when they do something bad, you're supposed to let it slide or understand because of their troubled past. And if you don't understand, then look out. I now know it's a big red flag when someone wants pity for their past. We've all been through our share of stuff, but when one goes on and on about it, beware.

[whichwayisup]

You're very strong and very brave. I read your post twice and I'm still blown away by what you went through.

 

Remember each and every day you're better without him - NO matter what good feelings he brought (brings) out in you - He is POISON. Like, he looks good but tastes like s***! LOL!

 

Good luck and post more if you need to.

[cynicalnlove]

That way later on when they do something bad, you're supposed to let it slide or understand because of their troubled past. And if you don't understand, then look out. I now know it's a big red flag when someone wants pity for their past. We've all been through our share of stuff, but when one goes on and on about it, beware.

 

 

You know the funny thing is what I didn't realize is that he was upset with me because of my past. There were just a lot of "out of control" tragedies that happened back then, and one recently while i was dating him. He seemed to get upset with me because of those misfortunes, as if he had wanted to blame me for tragedies as if i had control over it..etc. etc. At the same time, he would soak in the "poor me" stage, and expects sympathy; and i fell for every trick and move.

 

 

You're very strong and very brave. I read your post twice and I'm still blown away by what you went through.

 

Remember each and every day you're better without him - NO matter what good feelings he brought (brings) out in you - He is POISON. Like, he looks good but tastes like s***! LOL .

 

Thank you for your kind words. Yes, i felt that he was the puppet master when I look back now. The longing to have the man I fell in love with during the first stage is still there. sometimes I think at night about it, what if that man did exist in him, he just needed a push in the right direction. I still dream about him, recently last night. I mean there's no contact initiated from my side, and I can't believe this man still haunts my mind and dreams. I guess it's what has to be expected during a break up. I hope that one day it will all just disappear .. more like soon.

[NoFaith05]

This is a BRILLIANT thread!!!

 

My ex was just like your ex- and she still does it to me to this day. She made me feel sorry for her in the beginning- because she had such a "troubled past" when it came to boyfriends. She lured me in with her sorrow and self pity. Then, after I had fallen in love with her, she turned on me, and left me for another guy. When I got mad at her for doing this (completely understandable) she turned it around and made ME feel guilty for it! What BS!

 

Yes- stay away from these people! I know that she has most likely lured in the new guy with the same line of BS- this time telling him what a jerk her last ex-bf (ME!) is. It's so ridiculous. I almost wish I could warn the poor guy, but I have no way of reaching him. He does not know what he's getting himself into!

[cynicalnlove]

This is a BRILLIANT thread!!!

 

My ex was just like your ex- and she still does it to me to this day. She made me feel sorry for her in the beginning- because she had such a "troubled past" when it came to boyfriends. She lured me in with her sorrow and self pity. Then, after I had fallen in love with her, she turned on me, and left me for another guy. When I got mad at her for doing this (completely understandable) she turned it around and made ME feel guilty for it! What BS!

 

Yes- stay away from these people! I know that she has most likely lured in the new guy with the same line of BS- this time telling him what a jerk her last ex-bf (ME!) is. It's so ridiculous. I almost wish I could warn the poor guy, but I have no way of reaching him. He does not know what he's getting himself into!

 

Yes, somehow they've managed to make it seem like we were the one's who were the crazy one and they were the victim, when actuallity they were trying to gain attention and sympathy from other people. Then manage to push guilt on us as if we had done something terribly wrong, when we were just trying to work it out and be happy.

[In Sync]

So what you need to do is develop a better knowledge of issues and how to spot them in people before they suck you into their influence.

 

You know this is so true. Before I became involved with my ex, I didn't really look at how and why people behave in relationship the way they do. As I'm learning there are people with real Personality Disorders who appear like wolves in sheep's clothing. What did I know about PD's and Narcissism?. My ignorance in this area just had me assume, it was my fault. In my world he became angry or gave me the silent treatment because I did something. Afterall in front of me was this normal guy who only weeks before when we were having a good time didn't act this way before. AND on top of that I fell for him. Why would I think he had issues? I represented something in his world that said love was bad...I should have realized there was a real problem when he exploded in rage after I told him I loved him. Instead I kept wondering what did I say that was so wrong. I blamed myself.

Now I know...there are alot of unhealthy people who want attention admiration who'll charm the pants off ya, but the second you let your guard down that's a score any shifts of moods from that point on is a warning sign.

[JohnJohn]

Yes, somehow they've managed to make it seem like we were the one's who were the crazy one and they were the victim, when actuallity they were trying to gain attention and sympathy from other people. Then manage to push guilt on us as if we had done something terribly wrong, when we were just trying to work it out and be happy.

 

They're masters at being the Victim. My ex was great at this. And of course the guilt thing. It was unbelievable to see but I just let it go in the end. It's pointless to try to "win" against these people. The best way to do that is to walk away and STAY away.

 

I should have realized there was a real problem when he exploded in rage after I told him I loved him. Instead I kept wondering what did I say that was so wrong. I blamed myself.

 

I had a similar thing happen to me too. To a narcissist, if you ever say "I love you," they'll presume that you belong to them as a possession and treat you very badly right away. The abrupt change from decent treatment to outright abuse is amazing. Once they know you are emotionally attached to them, they expect to be able to use you however they choose.

[OneLove32]

WOW! This is my story too! Congratulations for realizing that he is no longer worth your time and energy! Keep the focus on you and TRUST me, you are going to be so happy that you left that man alone. Not to mention, that you have just created an opportunity for something better to enter your life.

 

The best thing that I have learned is to just completely ignore men like this and keep moving on. Don't chase them, just replace them. But the key is to replace them with men of better quality. Remember, you deserve better and you should never settle for a man's mistreatment. Keep being strong and remain positive at all times and remember...it's HIS loss not yours. Bottom Line! One last thing: If it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck--Then you know..it's a duck...Stay away and pay attention to your gut...Have a blessed day!

 

OneLove32

[cynicalnlove]

I had a similar thing happen to me too. To a narcissist, if you ever say "I love you," they'll presume that you belong to them as a possession and treat you very badly right away. The abrupt change from decent treatment to outright abuse is amazing. Once they know you are emotionally attached to them, they expect to be able to use you however they choose.

 

 

Wow, you know I didn't realize that is when it all sort of began. When he knew that i was in love with him. It's an ownership, and they use your love to their full advantage. You're so insightful, where else could i get more info on this disorder?

 

The best thing that I have learned is to just completely ignore men like this and keep moving on. Don't chase them, just replace them. But the key is to replace them with men of better quality. Remember, you deserve better and you should never settle for a man's mistreatment. Keep being strong and remain positive at all times and remember...it's HIS loss not yours. Bottom Line! One last thing: If it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck--Then you know..it's a duck...Stay away and pay attention to your gut...Have a blessed day!.

 

Yeah, but I'm kind of scared now. I swore that I knew this guy ins and outs; but i was very wrong. It took him 4-6 months for me to see the full effect of it, and that is a long time to invest in someone. By that time you were already falling or fell in love. Well fell in love with a fantasy of who they want you to think who they are. Is there a way to have all these warning signs.

[whichwayisup]

Just curious, JohnJohn - Where did that really LONG thread go, so many of you all were posting on it in the coping section...I can't seem to find it!

 

I think cynicalnlove would benefit alot from what others have talked about on that thread.

[JohnJohn]

Just curious, JohnJohn - Where did that really LONG thread go, so many of you all were posting on it in the coping section...I can't seem to find it!

 

I think cynicalnlove would benefit alot from what others have talked about on that thread.

 

I think the Administrator took it down for some reason. It was getting a little of the subject there for a while, but towards the end it was back on track. We'll have to start from scratch again.

[cynicalnlove]

I think the Administrator took it down for some reason. It was getting a little of the subject there for a while, but towards the end it was back on track. We'll have to start from scratch again.

 

Is it possible that he had loved me? I mean, I can't go on thinking that all of the way he looks at me is fake. I can't really believe that I had fallen that deep, if there was something for me to see. Did I fall in love with my own illusions? Its hard to tell, because now I am wondering what is it about him that had so much control over my emotions. I think about him day and night; although its getting better and I am still initiating the NC. But do you guys miss your narcissistic exes? If so, why? I come to this forum and reading through all of this gives me more the reason to hate them. But then could you really hate someone who is not really mentally balance? I mean it is a disorder, like someone who has OCD. Ok, I'm just making excuses. I guess its a weak moment. But i want to hear of your guy's experiences too, in dealing with people like this, and the necessary steps to get over it.

[whichwayisup]

C, I believe he did feel for you - When things were good and he was happy - He loved you...And even now in his own sick and twisted way - it's there, he just doesn't allow himself to feel it or acknowledge it. IT is a disorder, a certain way of thinking and dealing with things - Almost pathological!

 

He showed you a side of him, you fell inlove...That side does exist, it has to. I don't think it's good for you to belittle what you felt and how he made you feel...TO you that was real - So it's real.

 

Right now it doesn't matter what he thinks or feels - IF he actually told you, would you fully believe him anyway? Maybe for afew mins, but then there would be alot of doubt.

 

Hey, you're allowed weak moments! Don't beat up on yourself...He took your love and trust...So it will take abit of time to let the hole in your heart fill up again to heal.

 

Hang in there.

 

JJ, that sucks that they deleted some of it. (That thread I mean.)

[cynicalnlove]

C, I believe he did feel for you - When things were good and he was happy - He loved you...And even now in his own sick and twisted way - it's there, he just doesn't allow himself to feel it or acknowledge it. IT is a disorder, a certain way of thinking and dealing with things - Almost pathological!

 

He showed you a side of him, you fell inlove...That side does exist, it has to. I don't think it's good for you to belittle what you felt and how he made you feel...TO you that was real - So it's real.

 

Right now it doesn't matter what he thinks or feels - IF he actually told you, would you fully believe him anyway? Maybe for afew mins, but then there would be alot of doubt.

 

Hey, you're allowed weak moments! Don't beat up on yourself...He took your love and trust...So it will take abit of time to let the hole in your heart fill up again to heal.

 

Hang in there.

 

JJ, that sucks that they deleted some of it. (That thread I mean.)

 

 

Would it be bad of me to call and wish him a happy thanksgiving?

[JohnJohn]

Would it be bad of me to call and wish him a happy thanksgiving?

 

Not if you want to go through more pain and suffering.

[cynicalnlove]

Gosh, this is a very bad moment. I'm itching to break NC - and call to say happy thanksgiving. uhm - please talk me out of it

[JohnJohn]

Ask yourself what good would come out of it. Would you want to go back to an unhealthy relationship? Don't do yourself this indignity. It's normal to have a relapse and have the urge to contact. Really think about what you'd be doing. And why. What would you be trying to achieve?