Game of Love - with a Narcissist

[cynicalnlove]

Ask yourself what good would come out of it. Would you want to go back to an unhealthy relationship? Don't do yourself this indignity. It's normal to have a relapse and have the urge to contact. Really think about what you'd be doing. And why. What would you be trying to achieve?

 

 

I know, I'm trying every method to not do it. but the impulse is still there, I just figured it would be a decent thing to do, as a decent person.

[cynicalnlove]

I know, I'm trying every method to not do it. but the impulse is still there, I just figured it would be a decent thing to do, as a decent person.

 

 

jj, this is sooo awful; this feeling. I never had it been this strong before.

[JohnJohn]

Why be decent to a person that was not decent to you?

[In Sync]

cynicalnlove

 

I completely understand that impulse to want to call your ex, in my case also a narcissist personality. As JJ has often pointed out to me, no do not do it.

The impulse is tension, it's uncomfortable tension, but nothing you will do or say will be appreciated by him. And if you do, it will confirm to him that you still need him. It will also tell him that you've no pride. HE WILL NOT SEE YOUR

CALL AS AN ACT BY A DECENT PERSON. Are you paying attention. Therefore you will further cause more heartache for yourself. You can endure the sensation and let it run it's course. Write here every time you feel the urge. Better to write out your feelings than risk rejection. He may be nice or he may not..but the price of finding out is too high.

You will get through this.

[cynicalnlove]

cynicalnlove

 

I completely understand that impulse to want to call your ex, in my case also a narcissist personality. As JJ has often pointed out to me, no do not do it.

The impulse is tension, it's uncomfortable tension, but nothing you will do or say will be appreciated by him. And if you do, it will confirm to him that you still need him. It will also tell him that you've no pride. HE WILL NOT SEE YOUR

CALL AS AN ACT BY A DECENT PERSON. Are you paying attention. Therefore you will further cause more heartache for yourself. You can endure the sensation and let it run it's course. Write here every time you feel the urge. Better to write out your feelings than risk rejection. He may be nice or he may not..but the price of finding out is too high.

You will get through this.

 

 

Wow - thanks so much. I made it through. There were just doubts, and the tension was high at the moment. I just went out, and felt much better. Thanks.

[Zetter]

Regarding the ownership issue, my hopefully-soon-to-be-ex-wife actually told me that she couldn't be with me because she "...used to look at me and be happy that she OWNED me, and now she doesn't want to OWN me." And as a sucker, I was upset that she didn't feel like that anymore. And then I was made to feel bad that I, uh, pushed her into cheating on me with my friend. Oh, but it wasn't an affair because she told me that she wasn't happy. Right. And the definition of narcissist is someone who tells you that you caused her to throw a mug at your head by asking her if everything is OK.

 

She told me she loved me after 2 weeks, we got married after 6 months. I think the camoflauge came off after 7 months. Then I "caused her unhappiness for the next 2 years." My advice is to wait on Vegas. I now have implemented the one-year rule. And while the rose-colored glasses do come off typically within 48 hours of getting married, healthy confrontations are not one person causing every issue in a marriage, no matter what. I've been told that I'm the sole cause of my divorce. And the hits just keep on coming.

[mememememe]

I think I may be able to add some insight here. I have dated a few of these men, and thankfully none of the situations lasted longer than 6 months (the first was six, the other was 2 and the other barely made it out the door).

 

First, I will say, that no, it does not "start" soon after they feel you love them or admire them. They have a sick over-confidence in themselves from the beginning. Of course, you know, that deep down they hate themselves and HAVE to behave like this just to stay alive, I believe. They HAVE to draw you in with their magnetic behaviors, sex appeal, words, charisma.

 

I will say that these Ns come in MAAANNNYYY different masks. Some simply sit there calm and quiet, gather info about you. others won't shut up, talk constantly and don't care if you listen because they like to hear themselves.

 

I don't know if you can read my post, but I JUST posted on a guy I met a few weeks ago. The light bulb has just gone off and I realize he is an N.

 

Symptoms of an N:

1) the little things --you know what they are...like not walking ahead of you, cutting you off in conversation, worrying more about themselves when YOU are running late than the fact that you might hurt yourself rushing....etc. etc.

2) seems over-confident...to the point that you question yourself, your confidence, looks, etc. generally you feel less confident with them. that is a no-no. they make you self-concious, that is all part of the cycle.

3) they seem to do things they would never like you to do or say. but for them, it's ok.

4) they like to pick weaker people for relationships so they can control them.

5) it always seems like they have "other stuff" going on.

6) they are amazing liars....even about the little stuff....

7) the first time they upset you, you say it....and they learn how to rope you in from then on. there is always a first time they upset you.

8) they make you feel like they are the center of the universe and you need THEM to get high. it's twisted.

9) they almost ALWAYS have some broken home type of situation, with men it is usually major issues with the Dad.

10) no matter how confident you are, you get a general feeling of uneasiness with them, even when you just meet them. like you have to be better, nicer, prettier, whatever. this starts in the very beginning, then you are intrigued somehow and need to "figure them out".

[mememememe]

I didn't want to lose all of the above by hitting delete by accident or something.

 

So, my point is, there ARE initial warning signs. I have been successful enough in getting rid of these characters, but they are everywhere. I have a personality and a character flaw that makes me want to help everyone. And that is like prime bait for these Ns. comes from my childhood and I am working on it.

 

This guy I just met and "can't figure out" I realize is an N. He talks and talks and talks and I can tell isn't REALLY intersted in who I AM. His gestures are soooooooooo appealing they way he moves his face and touches me with his hands (we have been out a few times and haven't kissed...I suspect it is moving slow because he has a victim already, his "ex" -- that story is in my other thread). He is soooooooo alluring. But I have called him out on his bs. Thats why he likes me at this point.

 

These people are addictive, like a DRUG. I have even met Women like this!!! The only thing missing was the attraction!

 

So anyway I was out with this N last night, and I just felt myself getting ANGRY.......and I didn't know why......and it was an immediate flashback to a terrible relationship with my FIRST N 6 years ago! Whoa. This time I know better how to handle it.

[mememememe]

I think sometimes because these people CAN be normal for a few minutes, and you think they are sensitive and nice, that is the hard part. Because over all they are predators.

 

Some Ns don't know they are Ns. Others do. The ones who don't know they are Ns are the dangerous ones because they are in utter denial and it is easier for you to cut them slack.

 

Also, the first couple times you hang out with them, they are very careful about their behavior. They know how to lure you in. Then after a few times, you become gradually and shockingly disappointed. for example, last night, my N said to me (this is like only our 4th time hanging out) "come on, let's go to the bathroom together" then he got in the men's line first, and when he got out i was still waiting....and he walks by and is like "ok i'll meet you out there" !!!!!! ?????

 

They literally think that the universe was created for them. the world is spinning because of them. They get off on controling and manipulting people. For example, my N, on our 3rd time hanging out, tells me all about his "ex" (who i thikn he lives with!) and how he changed her life. How he made her do a 180. How she was like "this" before and now she is like "that". How he didn't trust her and she was such a liar....and how he tricked her into moving out of his place.

 

I'll stop ranting, but I want to say that if I hadnt met an N before, I wouldn't know this guy is one. I hope he doesn't call me again. The sick part of me wants him to, but i will NEVER move forward with a releationship. However it is verrrrrrrrrrrrry tempting...once you get really really screwed over though, you don't put yourslef thoguh it agian!

[In Sync]

I will say that these Ns come in MAAANNNYYY different masks. Some simply sit there calm and quiet, gather info about you. others won't shut up, talk constantly and don't care if you listen because they like to hear themselves.

 

I don't know if you can read my post, but I JUST posted on a guy I met a few weeks ago. The light bulb has just gone off and I realize he is an N.

 

Symptoms of an N:

1) the little things --you know what they are...like not walking ahead of you, cutting you off in conversation, worrying more about themselves when YOU are running late than the fact that you might hurt yourself rushing....etc. etc.

2) seems over-confident...to the point that you question yourself, your confidence, looks, etc. generally you feel less confident with them. that is a no-no. they make you self-concious, that is all part of the cycle.

3) they seem to do things they would never like you to do or say. but for them, it's ok.

4) they like to pick weaker people for relationships so they can control them.

5) it always seems like they have "other stuff" going on.

6) they are amazing liars....even about the little stuff....

7) the first time they upset you, you say it....and they learn how to rope you in from then on. there is always a first time they upset you.

8) they make you feel like they are the center of the universe and you need THEM to get high. it's twisted.

9) they almost ALWAYS have some broken home type of situation, with men it is usually major issues with the Dad.

10) no matter how confident you are, you get a general feeling of uneasiness with them, even when you just meet them. like you have to be better, nicer, prettier, whatever. this starts in the very beginning, then you are intrigued somehow and need to "figure them out".

 

1) yep.

2) yep

3) yep.

4) yep.

5) yep.

6) yep.

7) yep.

8) yep.

9) yep.

10) yep

Oh my God, that list brought back memories of the most insidious relationship I was in, and what was worse I actually thought I loved the guy. I feel

repulsed when I think about some of the things he said, "I'm A Person of Superior Intellect." That's a line that I will always associate with him. And he actually meant it.

People question why did you or how did you get involved with this type. Until you encounter a relationship with one, the only explanation I can offer is of brainwashing in nano-bits.

Their behavior starts out super charming (which everyone likes to charmed and made to feel special).

Then you become hooked (deluding yourself that you are in love) and start to overlook the insults or comments because who would imagine the same person who loved being with you wants to deliberately berate you. So it goes on and on as the self esteem is being slowly eatten away.

When I look back there were signs of self hatred my ex displayed. And I felt it was my duty to boost his ego and make him feel better about himself then he would return the favor by being mean or cruel. My head was completely twisted in that relationship. Now that I'm out..it's like a weight has been lifted from my entiire being. I do not miss him at all.

[mememememe]

the other sick thing is that an addiction to a N comes with a different kind of pain than "real" love.

 

the people that are the Ns make us addicted to them, that is how it works. we can be smart, talented, etc....doesn't matter. we are all succeptible.

 

you begin to value yourself and weigh yourself on their opinion of you and not your own. i consider myself to have a lot of confidence and when around a person like this, i don't feel 100%.

 

we get sucked in because they seem like a dream come true the first time you meet them. that is the high that keeps us coming back for more. as things change little by litte, we keep trying for that person we met for the first time.

 

even now with me, and that N i have only been out with 5 times now, and not even kissed, i feel like i want to give it another shot. i know it is twisted. because although i feel the undertones of the situation, i think maybe there is a chance i am wrong. what i need to do is get over my overwhelming attraction to this character. most Ns, regardless of how "good looking", are overwhelmingly attractive and seductive, almost irresistable.

[Touche]

Just curious...I didn't get that bathroom scenario. What should the guy have done when he came out of the bathroom? I'm not trying to be a wise ass. I'm genuinely curious. I didn't see a thing wrong with the behavior concerning going to the bathroom.. Should he have waited on line with you to get into the women's room?

[mememememe]

well what i meant was, this guy was like, "come on, let's walk to the bathroom area together" and i assumed that just because his line moved faster he wouldn't bolt to the other end of the venue we were at as soon as HE was done. most gentleman i have been out with, always wait until i am done before they bolt to go socialize. especially if you are in a busy night club that is crowded with poor visibility, aggressive men, etc...

[Touche]

Oh, OK. Yes, I see what you're saying now. Yes, it would have been considerate for him to have waited.

[mememememe]

http://www.healthyplace.com/communities/personality_disorders/narcissism/faq_index.html

[reader]

I win the N award. For NITWIT!

 

The main thing I noticed was how the life was sucked out of me, making me want to be fed again. Twisted is right.