man, rejected... but cant figure out why

[Butternut]

I'm 18 and a freshman in college, male, and have never been in a relationship.

I'm not really an outgoing guy, and am kind of a nerd, but I'm not really shy, just too serious, most of the time. I'd say im a pretty good looking guy , average height, medium build, asian.

Lately, after getting into school, I've been more active in talking to girls and by now, i think im kind of able to read the signals (but still confused often).

So I met this girl in one of my classes, cute, kind of shy also, not exactly hot, but really sweet, and I started talking to her. We just talked about classes, and profs, and things like that. And then we'd ask each other about, and talk about our boring weekends. I was getting a good vibe from her, and it seemed to me that we might of had something going.

So after about 4-5 weeks of this (I only saw her about once or twice a week), I saw her outside of a classroom type setting for the first time. I was eating pizza outside and semi-studying when her and a female friend came up, said hi and sat kind of close by (like within chatting distance, but not that close). Unfortunately for me, i had a mouthful of pizza, and had to chew for quite a while before i could even greet her back. So after i swallowed the pizza, we chatted for a little while and then there was kind of an awkward pause, and then she started talking to her friend (she didnt introduce us). After a while, i kind of gently nudged my way back into their conversation, and then the conversation turned to what we were doing that weekend. I didnt have anything planned, and told her so. When i asked about her weekend, she said she "didn't really know". I figured this was a good chance for me to ask her out (but i'd never asked anyone out before).

It came out something like: "I actually might go bowling....maybe you'd want to go together?"

Her: "ummm...when?"

Me: "Anytime actually..."

Her: "Actually, I've just moved into a new house and lately all I've been doing is unpacking stuff....thanks though."

(pause ) <--- very awkward, btw

Her: "It would be nice if our whole class could go bowling together though..."

Me: "(weak laugh)....yeah..."

 

So then we eat in silence for a bit, and she starts talking to her friend again after a while. At this point, I'm about finished eating then then, casually as I could (not very), I told her with a weak smile that I had to get to class, gave a slight nod to her friend and left....my nerves fried.

 

Whoo, that was long . I'm just trying to figure out what went wrong.

Feel free to add to these choices:

 

1. She was just being nice to me, wasnt interested from the start.

2. My crappy delivery lost her interest (which part?)

3. I had pizza still in my mouth.

4. Didn't like bowling/Actually busy.

 

Personally, I think it was #2 (and partially #3) and I want to try to improve on that, but dont know how. Any ideas from you guys?

 

 

Oh and btw, new to this forum, Hello everybody

[slubberdegullion]

Welcome, Butternut.

 

Is it safe to assume that she's a freshman too?

 

I doubt that it was your delivery, because you've already established a basis for communication. Unless, of course, you had pizza goop all over your face & shirt...

 

The reason I ask if she's a freshman is because it's likely that she did just move into a new place and is living in chaos right now.

 

Give her a little time, say a week or so, and try again. If you get the brush-off the second time, then she's either not interested or she's trying to play games with you. Either way, you have nothing to gain by attempting a third try.

 

Good luck!

[Panhandler]

Totally bad line...you don't just invite people bowling, girls don't tend to bowl a lot to begin with. You have to initiate an interest in her likes and then say oh yeah I like that too. Then you say boy we have a lot in common, lets keep in touch, you have a number yet? If she blows you off here, then she's absolutely not interested. If she says don't have phone yet, or cellphone isn't working, she's lieing and not interested pretty much hopeless after that.

[Butternut]

slubberdegullion:

yep, shes also a freshman, and its true that she did move from out of state, but its just her excuse sounded pretty lame, and well...very excuse-like.

Oh, and i was thinking about trying again, but decided against it, because things between us have changed, and i can feel the strain just talking to her. But you know, whatever, I'm just trying to work on my game plan for the next one.

 

Panhandler:

I thought it was a good idea just because it would be different and refreshing.

I'm thinking I probably could and should have asked about her interests, but I dont know how to smoothly ask for a number -- without first arranging a date. Any ideas?

 

Also, ive talked to a friend about this, and he says i asked her too vaguely. But he's no lady's man himself so i'd like to get ya'lls opinions on this.

Would it be better to ask:

1. Lets go <bowling> <friday night> at <bowlorama lanes>? (specific)

2. Lets go do something, sometime, somewhere, maybe? (leave it up to her)

 

Ladies, what do you think? Guys, what has worked for you?

[doru]

in my opinion the biggest problem that I noticed... when I've read your post the only thing I was thinking was: do you have a life ? you acted too eager (desperate) to meet her and that did the trick and made her say NO and didn't you learn not to speak with your mouth full ?

 

so yes, the delivery sucked.

 

so next time stop acting like she's doing you the biggest favor possible by going out with you (if you make this look the other way than you'll be a winner)

 

this was my brief answer to your question, hope it helps

[Neptune]

Sometimes there is room for more quantiy and less quality. I think you are just focusing on this one encounter too much. Yeah, it was a strike out. But, until you get really good with gals there are a whole lot more strike outs than home runs.

 

Just keep working on your game and lay low with this gal for a while. Sometimes a gal will relax a little when she sees that you are not desperate for her attention. Your actions probably spelled desperation to her.

 

Also, a gal will sometimes have one of her friends give her an opinion of you when she is uncertain about a guy. This may have been her intention at that time. Your best bet likely would to have been a little indifferent but polite. Almost choking on pizza may have spelled desperation.

[mini696]

I suggest trying to talk to someone else for a while too... Practice, practice, practice. When this girl sees you talking to other people, and being "out there" her interest might peak.

 

A few points I want to note;

- Yes you were too vague when you asked her out. You need to have a plan and put it across with confidence.

- Get to know her friend. If you dont get introduced, do it yourself.

- Try to do a group thing first, even if its only you and a mate, plus her and her friend.

- Dont ever tell her that you had a boring weekend, or did nothing. Tell her it was flat out, and you were busy, busy, busy.

[tanbark813]

Would it be better to ask:

1. Lets go <bowling> <friday night> at <bowlorama lanes>? (specific)

2. Lets go do something, sometime, somewhere, maybe? (leave it up to her)

 

#1 is always better. If that specific time doesn't work for her and she's genuinely interested, she'll offer up an alternate time. It also gives her an easier out if she's really not interested.

 

In regard to your initial post, I'm sure it was your delivery. Confidence in yourself is 90% of talking to girls. If you're not confident, you're dead in the water before you even get going. All the other stuff--pizza in your mouth, choice of bowling as an activity, etc...--is just fluff. Talk to girls like you're giving them the opportunity to get to know you, not like you're pleading for a chance.

[Butternut]

thanks for the advice everyone

to be honest, i wasnt exactly desperate for her, but thinking back on it, i can see how i probably gave that impression.

so on the next one, i'll be sure to show less interest

[Mary3]

..Hey I hope this genuinely helps you...I offer a womans perspective of what I think it meant........" and then the conversation turned to what we were doing that weekend. I didnt have anything planned, and told her so. " <----

 

Bad move right there . Even if you had no plans, don't ever tell her that. Just say hey, I might have a few hours on Sunday if you would like to B: Go to a movie. If someone asked me to go bowling I am not sure I would say yes...

 

"When i asked about her weekend, she said she "didn't really know". I figured this was a good" ....< ----- She was stalling because she did not want to go out with you and was vague about what she wanted to do.

 

When someone tells you they arent sure or are very vague you can bet they probrobly are not interested : Just for future reference.

 

" kind of an awkward pause, and then she started talking to her friend (she didnt introduce us). After a while, i kind of gently nudged my "....< ---- I don't think she introduced you because you were not that important to her to do so...

 

Her: "ummm...when?"

Me: "Anytime actually..."<-----Wrong answer here . * Anytime * sounds like you have nothing at all going on in your life. Rather better to say :" Well Maybe between 4 and 5 pm because I have alot to do before then. Always show the women that you have a life even if you don't. If we think you don't have a life...we may wonder why ??

 

Her: "Actually, I've just moved into a new house and lately all I've been doing is unpacking stuff....thanks though. <------- Thats the kiss off right there.

 

She is tooo busy. She should be after 5 weeks eager to make plans with you...unless of course she's just not interested and she does not sound very interested.

 

Her: "It would be nice if our whole class could go bowling together though..."

Me: "(weak laugh)....yeah..." <-------- Uh ...Oh... You are in the Friends Zone there....The Group Friends Zone.

 

I think 1. 2. and 4. apply.

 

I would take a look at a revamp of your image if you are up for it. Girls like guys who try new looks, new clothes, new image. You want to remain the awesome person you are but you just need to update it a bit. Start talking to more girls and casually ask them to go do something ( ALOT ) and pretty soon it won't be soo awkward.

 

I know that must have been hard for you but with practice you can get more comfortable with women

[Butternut]

thanks mary3

yeah i should probably get out more, or at least make it seem like i do

but i am working on the image thing...pumping it up at the gym, more personality-ful clothes...I'll be ready once school starts up again...i hope

[CurvyGurl]

I don't think he sounded desperate or eager. People act like it's a bad thing to be excited and attracted to someone. She made a point of coming over to him, sitting within convo distance, involved him in the convo, brought up the weekend, opened herself up to being asked out, and then turned him down.

 

 

"I actually might go bowling....maybe you'd want to go together?"

Her: "ummm...when?"

Me: "Anytime actually..."

Her: "Actually, I've just moved into a new house and lately all I've been doing is unpacking stuff....thanks though."

 

 

Sorry, IMO she is way into herself and a tease. Move on, practice asking people out. Relax. Loosen up. Have fun. Forget this gal.

[Butternut]

haha, i was thinking that too, curvygurl. It was like mixed signals. But, honestly i dont think she's a tease...more like overly nice, but yeah, she's...forgotten