fomerlyniceguy Posted November 21, 2005 Share Posted November 21, 2005 Well my wife moves out tomorrow. I had to say goodbye to my step son last night. I knew it was coming but God it was hard. He's six and seems to be taking it well. I wish I could take it as easy. I assured him that I would be around if he missed me and hoped that we could still be friends. I love him as if he were my own and now I feel like it is all gone. He is a great kid and I hope he doesn't forget me. fng Link to post Share on other sites
slubberdegullion Posted November 21, 2005 Share Posted November 21, 2005 Oh, man, I'm so sorry for this. It's one thing to lose a partner, another thing entirely to lose a child (or step-child... I don't distinguish the two). Will he still be living relatively close to you? Have you worked out some sort of visitation with your STBXW? Stay strong, my friend. You will be OK. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fomerlyniceguy Posted November 21, 2005 Author Share Posted November 21, 2005 Yeah they will be living fairly close, 10 minutes or so. All in all it is up to him whether he wants to see me. It hit me hard a week or two ago when my stbxw were having a discussion about something related to him and she blurted out "It's not your his step dad anymore". I felt like like I had been hit by a 2x4. My only response was that, yeah but that doesn't mean I don't care anymore. fng Link to post Share on other sites
scobro Posted November 21, 2005 Share Posted November 21, 2005 I am going through the opposite as you. I have a daughter that was my ex's step daughter.My ex still wants to see her but I have refused to let her take her when its my visitation weekend(i see my daughtyer every other weekend).I also said to her "you left the family and with that comes consequences like not visiting the dogs or my daughter".I did say to make arrangements with my daughters mother if she wants to see my daughter but has made no attempt yet other than e-mails to my daughter.I feel its hard enough without having to see my ex to give her my daughter for the day etc... she was the one that wanted to leave but wants no consequences.My daughter doesn't really mind either way.Its hard when kids are involved especially with me not being with my daughters mother and now a break-up of her step mom. I talk about it a lot with my daughter so she doesn't get confused or messed up and she has taken it well. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted November 21, 2005 Share Posted November 21, 2005 I am going through the opposite as you. I have a daughter that was my ex's step daughter.My ex still wants to see her but I have refused to let her take her when its my visitation weekend(i see my daughtyer every other weekend).I also said to her "you left the family and with that comes consequences like not visiting the dogs or my daughter".I did say to make arrangements with my daughters mother if she wants to see my daughter but has made no attempt yet other than e-mails to my daughter.I feel its hard enough without having to see my ex to give her my daughter for the day etc... she was the one that wanted to leave but wants no consequences.My daughter doesn't really mind either way.Its hard when kids are involved especially with me not being with my daughters mother and now a break-up of her step mom. I talk about it a lot with my daughter so she doesn't get confused or messed up and she has taken it well. It is a shame that you are punishing your daughter for the marriage failure.. It seems to me that you are acting out of pain and anger.. As a former step parent myself I know what it must be like for your wife.. she has lost a daughter and a husband.( even if she did choose to leave the marriage she still has the loss ) You need to put aside the punishing of your wife and let her see your daughter.. for your daughters own health and well being.. You guys are not legally divorced yet either.. that makes it even worse for your daughter.. Think of the pain that you are causing your daughter. Link to post Share on other sites
scobro Posted November 21, 2005 Share Posted November 21, 2005 I have no problem with her seeing my daughter but I am not going to give her my daughter during my visitation times why should i? thats less time with me.If my ex wants to make arrangements for visitation her mother has no problem with that and would be more than happy to oblige but so far she has not made any attempt other than to have me give up my time on my weekends with her.It also took me many years to get over the breakup of my daughters mother and me because I had to see her every second weekend and I am not about to go through that agony again with my ex when she can easily make arrangements on alternating weekends to see her. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted November 21, 2005 Share Posted November 21, 2005 I have no problem with her seeing my daughter but I am not going to give her my daughter during my visitation times why should i? thats less time with me.If my ex wants to make arrangements for visitation her mother has no problem with that and would be more than happy to oblige but so far she has not made any attempt other than to have me give up my time on my weekends with her. that is just being petty and hurtful.. you are hurting your daughter in the end.. not your wife why would your wife go to your ex to make arrangements ?? That is nuts.. Your wifes connection to your daughter is thru you not your ex.. you set that up that way because you know it would hurt her more .. Your hurting your daughter Link to post Share on other sites
Author fomerlyniceguy Posted November 21, 2005 Author Share Posted November 21, 2005 Yeah it is hard because technically I have no rights whatsoever. My stepson already spends half the time with his real dad and half with my stbxw. Although I hope he wants to spend time with me I can't make him. My stbx says she still wants to be friends so that I can maintain a relationship with him and that her and I can still be friends. Not sure how I want to go about it though. I really feel I need time away from her to get on with my own life. I guess minimal contact between her and I unless it has to do with my stepson. He wanted to make sure he had my number, so at least that is something. I just feel I have to repect his wishes. There have been so many people in and out of his life, I hope I am not another that just seems to fade into the background. Link to post Share on other sites
scobro Posted November 21, 2005 Share Posted November 21, 2005 that is just being petty and hurtful.. you are hurting your daughter in the end.. not your wife why would your wife go to your ex to make arrangements ?? That is nuts.. Your wifes connection to your daughter is thru you not your ex.. you set that up that way because you know it would hurt her more .. Your hurting your daughter I see your point, but how long do you think it will be before my ex decides not to see my daughter anymore?Then my daughter gets hurt.She can easily go through my daughters mother they know each other, but my ex doesn't because its more convenient to see her on my time.I am sorry, she left and that was her choice I am not making it easy for her.Its not like she can't see her she just wants her when I have her.My daughter keeps in touch with her she is 10 and if they make plans thats fine but not on my time thats all. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted November 21, 2005 Share Posted November 21, 2005 I see your point, but how long do you think it will be before my ex decides not to see my daughter anymore?Then my daughter gets hurt.She can easily go through my daughters mother they know each other, but my ex doesn't because its more convenient to see her on my time.I am sorry, she left and that was her choice I am not making it easy for her.Its not like she can't see her she just wants her when I have her.My daughter keeps in touch with her she is 10 and if they make plans thats fine but not on my time thats all. you are right.. but at least it will taper off slowly..and the hurt your daughter must feel right now must be awful I still see my step daughter on holidays and keep up with her thru cards and such and it has been 4.5 years since we were divorced. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted November 21, 2005 Share Posted November 21, 2005 I agree with AC. You're punishing your daughter..... If your wife decides later on not to pursue a relationship with your daughter then yeah, it's gonna hurt like hell but just because she wasn't a good wife doesn't mean she doesn't love that kid. You put them together when you married this woman- that was your choice and not your daughter's. Don't rip them apart just because things are not the way you want them to be. I understand you don't want to see her when it's your weekend to visit but perhaps you could work it out with the exwife so that she could pick her up or something and see her? I had a friend who went through this, the divorce was not her fault- her husband was a drunk who beat her but she had to give up her step son. It was hell on her. Don't do this Sco- you'll regret it. Link to post Share on other sites
scobro Posted November 21, 2005 Share Posted November 21, 2005 hurt your daughter must feel right now must be awful You know what quite honestly my daughter was never that buddy buddy close with my ex anyways.She even said to me "if you don't want me to see her I wont" and I said she should keep seeing her and stay in touch.So really my daughter is fine, she was more concerned with losing seeing the dogs than with seeing my ex but I got the dogs and she is very happy with that.She is content. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted November 21, 2005 Share Posted November 21, 2005 You know what quite honestly my daughter was never that buddy buddy close with my ex anyways.She even said to me "if you don't want me to see her I wont" and I said she should keep seeing her and stay in touch.So really my daughter is fine, she was more concerned with losing seeing the dogs than with seeing my ex but I got the dogs and she is very happy with that.She is content. I know you think your daughter is fine.. but really.. Your daughter can pick up on your pain.. kids are sponges for negative energy You are making excuses to continue hurting your wife.. What HARM would come from letting her see her whenever ? and not go thru your ex ? NONE Link to post Share on other sites
Author fomerlyniceguy Posted November 21, 2005 Author Share Posted November 21, 2005 I'm mostly with ScoBro on this. I am not sure how old your daughter is but if she is old enough to email she can say whether she wants to see your ex or not. As long as you respect those wishes, and not bad mouth your ex in front of her then he is totally in the right on the situation. While the the line about suffering the consequences seems a little harsh, as long as you respect what your daughter wants that is all that matters. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted November 21, 2005 Share Posted November 21, 2005 Nice guy, I'm assuming you didn't adopt your step-son legally (???) I can imagine how difficult it must be for you. Particularly since you really don't have any biological or legal rights to visitation. Is there any way you can work out some arrangement with both of his biological parents? And I also agree with Scorbo. He should not feel obliged to give up his brief visitation time with his daughter to someone (not a biological or legal parent) who decided to exit the relationship. I think if his ex wife wants to visit with his daughter, she needs to work those arrangements out with her custodial parent (biological mother.) If mom and dad are 'okay' with their daughter spending time with a non-relative, then a separate schedule can be arranged that won't infringe on daddy/daughter time or force Scorbo to have to interact with someone he may (or may not) want anything more to do with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author fomerlyniceguy Posted November 21, 2005 Author Share Posted November 21, 2005 Right now my stbx and I are communicating fairly well. Just a lot of emotion and hurt feelings. She seems like she sincerly wants me to be in his life. So I am sure we can get together from time to time. The hard part will be this in between time letting go of the relationship will take some time. Only time will tell. Link to post Share on other sites
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